Packer Draft Grades Are In – And the Zang Meh Doh Says…

I have gone through and scored each pick via the revolutionary patent- and trademark-pending Zang Meh Doh Draft Domination Evaluation Tool we unveiled earlier this month. As with any scientific study, the results and methods must be analyzed to determine validity. Therefore, I holed up in my GOIBER until today...

Before I get to the grades, I must admit I found a significant yet easily fixable flaw in the Zang Meh Doh system that yielded results not commensurable with the selection’s value. Without getting too technical, my baseline was off. If a pick is exactly in line with your pre-draft ranking, as was the case of David Bakhtiari’s positional valuation, the score should be 0 (neither positive nor negative). By subtracting 100 from the previous final score, this outcome was resolved and also provided appropriate scores to the draft selection’s values - whether proportionally positive or negative. Here are the two revised scoring formulas to play along at home. I will also walk you through each pick’s score as well.

As a reminder that a true ZANG! (excellent) value pick is only achieved when the value of the player exceeds both the overall and positional categories. By comparison, a DOH! (fail) results when both overall and positional values are subpar.

Last point. Since I have not yet been granted access to the Packers draft board (call me, guys, this is important), I had to use someone else’s. I found that an NFL Draft Prospect ranking at CBSSports.com that provided me exactly with was I needed – the overall ranking and the positional ranking. I therefore used their rankings in the Zang Meh Doh. Follow this link for those rankings I mentioned.

Ok, Packer fans, Let’s see how ol’ TT did.

RD 1. Datone Jones, DE, taken as the 26^th overall and the 4^th at his position. Jones was pre-ranked as the 27^th overall and the 3^rd at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 29, Meh.

RD 2. Eddie Lacy, RB, taken as the 61^st overall and the 4^th at his position. Lacy was pre-ranked as the 36^th overall and the 1^st at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 369, Zang!

RD 4. David Bakhtiari, OT, taken as the 109^th overall and the 8^th at his position. Bakhtiari was pre-ranked as the 76^th overall and the 8^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 43, Zang!

RD 4. J.C. Tretter, OG, taken as the 122^nd overall and the 9^th at his position. Tretter was pre-ranked as the 189^th overall and the 10^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -45, Doh!

RD 4. Jonathan Franklin, RB, taken as the 125^th overall and the 6^th at his position. Franklin was pre-ranked as the 51^st overall and 2^nd at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 345, Zang!

RD 5. Micah Hyde, CB, taken as the 159^th overall and the 22^nd at his position. Hyde was pre-ranked as the 205^th overall and the 25^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -35, Doh!

RD 5. Josh Boyd, DT, taken as the 167^th overall and 13^th at his position. Boyd was pre-ranked the 171^st overall and the 15^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -15, Doh!

RD 6. Nathan Palmer, OLB, taken as the 193^rd overall and the 14^th at his position. Palmer was pre-ranked the 593^rd overall and the 51^st at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -140, Doh!

RD 7. Charles Johnson, WR, taken as the 216^th overall and the 24^th at his position. Johnson was pre-ranked the 230^th overall and the 28^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -20, Doh!

RD 7. Kevin Dorsey, WR, taken as the 224^th overall and the 25^th at his position. Dorsey was pre-ranked the 416^th overall and the 47^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -93, Doh!

RD 7. Samuel Barrington, OLB, taken as the 233^rd overall and the 16 at his position. Barrington was pre-ranked the 319^th overall and the 14^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -13, Meh.

Final Score: 3 ZANGS! 2 MEHs. 6 DOHs! From the Packers' top Zang to lowest Meh draft values, the results are: 

1. Eddie Lacy (369)
2. Johnathan Franklin (345)
3. David Bakhtiari (43)
4. Datone Jones (29)
5. Samuel Barrington (-13)
6. Josh Boyd (-15)
7. Charles Johnson (-20)
8. Micah Hyde (-35)
9. J.C. Tretter (-45)
10. Kevin Dorsey (-93)
11. Nathan Palmer (-140).

Analysis: It’d be way too easy to get down on the 2^nd half of the draft with all those DOHs taken on the 3^rd day, but let’s be honest, rounds 5-7 are pretty much a shot in the dark. If you get one guy that works out, great. Clearly, Packers don’t mind taking a few extra “swings” with those later picks.

On the positive side – and there’s a LOT that I see – we essentially nailed 4 out of our top 5 picks and hit value HOME RUNS with Lacy and Franklin. It is really hard to find exceptional value in the first round, so to grab Datone Jones there will decent value and to fill a need is about a good as one could hope for. Moreover, to score so highly with your top picks/talent pool is absolutely huge and for that reason, I’ll have to concur with the general feeling of a B+ draft. However, if you’re like me, you needed to see the breakdown to be sure.

Now, please keep in mind these value rankings coincide with for the CBS draft board. In order to get Green Bay's detailed value assessment, I would need their draft board. And I would also need a computer science undergrad who would enter all 500+ draft prospects into a custom program he/she would create for a passionate letter of recommendation and a free cup at the 2013 Ranter holiday party. 

Ted, if the draft is all about value, I'd say you were Zang this draft, especially toward the early picks that matter. As far as day three of the draft, I'll have to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Disclaimer: The Zang Meh Doh Ultimate Draft Evaluation Domination Tool for the Modern General Manager is patent- and trademark-pending and proprietary to the website PackerRanter.com. All media inquiries should be directed to packerranter at yahoo.com. Thank you for your cooperation.

To ALL Ranter Staff – Please Read NOW – Packers Draft Party

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f#cking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this staff, we have been F#CKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with the Bikini Girls. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f#cking AWKWARD and so f#cking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Robert, I've been having so much fun with the other interns this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to f#cking find you and to do it myself.

I do not give a flying f#ck, and the Bikini Girls do not give a flying f#ck, about how much you f#cking love to nerd out with each other over draft prospects. You have 361 days out of the f#cking year to talk to each other, and this week is NOT, I f#cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about socializing with the Bikini Girls while welcoming new talent to the Green Bay Packers, and that's not f#cking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not about our Ranter party. Newsflash you stupid c#cks: THE BIKINI GIRLS DON'T LIKE BORING BLOGGERS. Oh wait, DOUBLE F#CKING NEWSFLASH: THE BIKINI GIRLS ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F#CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F#CKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little sh#ts that have talked openly about post partying at a different Packers draft party IN FRONT OF THE BIKINI GIRLS. Are you people f#cking stupid? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If the Bikini Girls openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Cheesehead TV over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE F#CK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be going to another Packers draft party, I don't give a F#CK if Brian Carriveau is going to be there. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f#cking NOT convince other Ranter staff to leave with you.

"But Robert!", you say in a whiny little b#tch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our team all year, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID F#CKING #SS HATS, IT F#CKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F#CKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN F#CKING UP AT SOBER F#CKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being f#cking WEIRD at games (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's a 2-point conversion?" is not f#cking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F#cking. Team. ARE YOU F#CKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SH#T about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR G#DDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO LAMBEAU? ARE YOU F#CKING BLIND? Or are you just so f#cking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Packers is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE F#CKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY THE F#CKING BIKINI GIRLS. I will f#cking junk punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a f#ck if you SOR me, I WILL F#CKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Robert, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little @sswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird sh#t that does weird sh#t during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO THE DRAFT PARTY.

I'm not f#cking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS BLOG. I would rather have 4 unpaid employees that are fun, talk to girls, and not f#cking awkward than 8 that are f#cking losers. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to girls I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't f#cking show up unless you're going to stop being a damn c#ck block for our blog. Seriously. I swear if I see anyone being a damn b#ner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a f#ck. Go f#ck yourself.

Zang Meh Doh – The Ultimate Draft Evaluation Domination Tool for the Modern General Manager

Ted Thompson, Doug Melvin, professional and fantasy General Managers alike, pay attention, because I have created a simple yet highly effective tool to help you not just succeed – but dominate – your drafts year in and year out.

It is called the “Zang Meh Doh” and it can work for you.

Zang meaning “excellent.”

Meh meaning “OK.”

Doh meaning “fail.”

Do not be fooled by its simple nature! When wielded properly, it’s extremely powerful and effective (that’s what she said).

Here’s how it works. Every potential draft pick is rated using a combination of two numbers formulated by your pre-draft rankings. The first number will be your Overall Valuation (OV) of the draft prospect, and second will be his Positional Valuation (PV).

To determine the Overall Valuation (OV), take your current pick, divide by the overall rank you have the player listed and then multiply by 100. Positional Valuation is done similarly. Take the number of players at his position already off the board, divide that number by you pre-draft positional ranking, and multiply by 100. Anything over 100 is considered positive (+) and under 100 is considered negative (-). The sum of these two numbers is your final Zang Meh Doh.

For the sake of argument, we’ll use former Badgers’ running back Montee Ball’s rankings from the wonderfully extensive and incredibly affordable Cheesehead TV Draft Guide. There, Ball is listed as the 71^st overall prospect and the 4^th-rated Running Back. In this example, let’s pretend Ball is still available for the Packers at the 88^th pick but only 2 Running Backs have been selected.

The Zang Meh Doh would give you a positive outcome for the OV of +124. (88/71 x 100), but a negative outcome for the PV of -50 (2/4 x 100) – again, anything lower than 100 is negative. Let’s enter those numbers in the chart and see the final grade.

As you can see, it would be a good score in the OV, meaning good value for the pick, but this is offset by the negative PV, indicating a possible reach at the position. In other words, very Meh at 74. You probably want to look elsewhere for some clear Zangs or some more-convincing Mehs.

BUT, let’s say there were 5 Running Backs off the board and Ball was still there with the 88^th pick. Re-entering those numbers still gives us an OV of +124 but now we can add on a positive PV of 125 (5/4 x 100). According to the chart, it’s a nice ZANG pick at 249.

Kind reader or professional draft strategist, it truly is that easy. I’ve drafted over 100 times in fantasy sports of kinds. I was the guy who first had the color-coded draft board and or that brave innovator to only bring the single-sided 8.5 x 11 one-sheet and pen to the draft. That’s because come draft time, it’s all about evaluation simplification. Since you’ve already done the pre-draft homework, the Zang Meh Doh is the ONE tool you need come draft time.

Ted, if you want me to act as an advisor for the draft, I am more than willing but please email me ASAP as I would need to find a replacement for my weekend bowling league. I believe we can make this year’s Packer draft a true Zang-Bang instead of a Meh-Fest or worst of all, a disgusting Doh-Show.

Notable ZANGs of the past include Aaron Rodgers at +2500, and at +14,950, Donald Driver is the biggest ZANG in Packers draft history. I don’t generally don’t like to rip on individual players, but let’s just say the Vikings and the Raiders have a lot had a lot of Doh-Shows in their draft histories, respectively.

Guest Rant: Everything I Know About Football from Someone Who Knows Absolutely Nothing About Football

I recently discovered my coworker – the lovely Cecilia Tomahawk – knew almost nothing about Packers or the NFL despite having lived in Wisconsin her entire life. At first, I thought she was joking but after a few simple questions, it was quite clear her personal Packerpedia was remarkably limited. You could fill the internets three times over with the amount of football knowledge Ms. Tomahawk doesn’t know, so instead, I asked her to tell me exactly what she knows – or thinks she knows – about the sport. Here is what she said.

Everything I Know About Football from Someone Who Knows Absolutely Nothing About Football

By Cecilia Tomahawk

·         Football players’ uniforms include some intensely tight pants. They’re super tight and look flipping uncomfortable.

·         During a football game, which team players are on is indicated by the color of the stripe down the side of their intensely tight pants.

·         Televised football games are things that occur between installments of me watching Amy Poehler and Alec Baldwin in commercials.

·         When football games are televised in bars or restaurants, I’ve noticed that there is a direct correlation between the local team playing well and the number of free shots I receive. The general mood of the crowd seems to be affected directly by this as well.

·         When family and friends gather to watch football games my older female relatives are perpetually in search of some heroic romantic figure who goes by the name Donald Driver – although, wait a minute, is he around anymore? I think he left.

·         “Fantasy Football” is a misleading term, if you ask me. It leads a person to believe that the activity so named will be fantastical, intriguing or exotic in nature. It does not imply that people will systematically form fictional teams in their minds and then proceed to lose money in fantasy football leagues.

·         There are things called brackets that people set up so they can track which teams are winning and losing at various points in the season. This is actually not the first type of brackets I was familiar with, however. In college a large group of my friends would play a game that we called Brackets. It was highly entertaining because we would pit random things against each other like Peanut Butter vs. Jelly, or Batman vs. Oprah, or Battleship vs. Connect Four. And I enjoyed it because we conducted lengthy, passionate debates that ended in clear winners and losers with the winning items moving up in the tournament.

·         I love the Puppy Bowl on Super Bowl Sunday, but I don’t like to admit it because there’s nothing more clichéd or stereotypical than a girl yelling, “Oooh! Puppies! They’re so adorable!” in the middle of a football game.

·         This March, my best friend picked her teams for her office bracket using the construct of whose team mascot would win in a fight. I think this is genius. Though now upon second thought, that applied to college basketball and not professional football. I still think it’s a good idea, but do NFL teams have mascots? I honestly don’t have a clue.

·         Clay Matthews’ hair is too long. Some of the ladies definitely disagree with me on this, I know. But it’s not a good look, man. You need to cut your hair.