10 People You Don't Bring to a Tailgate

1. The Sloppy

A little splash here, a broken bottle there – it’s all good for the Sloppy. After all, it’s a party and that’s why they invented napkins and washing machines. It’ll only get worse as the day goes on as you watch the Sloppy’s drink hand flail around in new and unexpected ways with every first down. Anyone sitting within a five-foot radius of this person during the game is going to get wet. I suggest donning your custom Gortex jumpsuit before you head in. If you can’t spot the Sloppy within the first half hour, you are the Sloppy.

Whoopsies.

2. Cell Phone Guy

You tailgate for the comradery. To catch up. To BS. To enjoy each other’s company while sharing the common interest in that of the team. But Cell Phone Guy has never grasped that concept because his head is either buried in his phone or he’s talking to someone (probably quite loudly). If it buzzes, tones or rings, he must give it full and immediate attention.

3. Sir Betsalot

I have no problem throwing a little cash into a friendly wager or fantasy football. But when Sir Betsalot comes along, he’ll want to not only gamble on every game that day, but also every possible spread or statistic he can think of, or that you want to volunteer. There might even be kickers, bonuses or parlay opportunities. Your fellow tailgaters will hear a lot of “You want in?” that day. The odds are usually in his favor if for no other reason than he has the most experience and you just bet to get him to shut up. Just so no one forgets, this walking casino will take copious notes on every bet and remind the group who took what throughout the day.

4. In Ted We Trust Guy

This one is unique to the Packer fan kingdom. At the end of the day, you have no clue what a Packers draft pick will turn into. So amid mock drafts and mass speculation diarrhea, I love the phrase “In Ted We Trust” – you need to just have faith that Ted and the organization know what they’re doing. However, I’ve seen people so pro TT that in their eyes, Ted Thompson is impervious and undeserving of any criticism and only worthy of never-ending praise. Infallible. First round a bust? Not his fault. Just lost in the playoffs? Just part of his plan. Don’t bother to question whether the Packers will win that day because you know the answer you’ll get.

5. The Scab

This person shows up with nothing but a healthy appetite. Maybe they’ll use the excuse “I didn’t know we were supposed to bring anything.” Five minutes later they’ll be sitting in your chair, drinking your beer, and asking what’s on the menu. If you ask for money, he’ll insist he’ll “get you next time.” The ongoing reckless indulgence and subsequent excuses are simply part of this seasoned moocher’s resumé. Do not hesitate to publicly shame the Scab – it is our only hope.

6. Dale Kazwicki

Just trust me on this one, OK?

7. Man of a Thousand Requests (MoTR)

A close relative of the Scab, the MoTR wants you to make him a drink – whatever that yummy-looking thing you made for yourself that probably costs $15 inside. Same goes for your food. He has no boundaries. In fact, he might even ask to go inside your car to pee in a bottle instead of waiting in line at the official bathrooms. He wants to trade places with you at the game. Any time someone leaves a seat at the game, MoTR asks them to pick up another drink, and perhaps some nachos. And at the end of the night, he’ll want a ride home because he got too wasted. But first he wants you to swing through Taco Bell. Oh, and can he borrow five bucks?

8. Agenda Guy

This guy begins to deflate your tailgate before it even begins. Expect numerous emails with itemized lists of responsibilities and well as a tentative schedule disguised as “options.” His OCD carries over in ways you never imagined, and while you appreciate the fact he is prepared for every possible scenario, adhering to his strict timelines and strategic rendezvous points will make your party suffer.

9. Uncle Rico

“Yes, I believe you could throw the ball over that row of cars and hit me in the numbers on the run. You don’t have to prove anything.” For the Uncle Ricos of the world, the football is the first thing in the car and the first thing to come out when you get there. At minimum, there will be lengthy, competitive game of catch. More than likely, there will be play calling and you will run the play as designed and clearly called out by your group’s Uncle Rico. The other tailgaters in the lot will just have to grow eyes in the back of their heads. By the end of the day, you will have apologized to no less than five groups for Uncle Rico smashing their bottles or knocking over their grills. It’s all for the tailgate glory.

10. The Loud Mouth             

Urban Dictionary actually summarizes a Loud Mouth pretty well.

Moreover, while in a group of his so-called peers, he’ll feel that much more empowered to speak his mind and trash talk the out-of-town family with little kids wearing the opponent’s jersey. You’re lucky if he gets away with just offending someone. If you think he’s an embarrassment to be associated with at your tailgate, wait until you get into the game. Note: the Loud Mouth is an equal gender offender.

Did I get them all? Do you think this article could appear on Buzzfeed? Be honest.

Favre-orite Moments: Fan Submissions

In honor of Favre week, I polled my Packer friends for their Favreorite Favre memory. I was not disappointed. Thanks to everyone who responded. Enjoy…

"Who can forget Favre’s touchdown pass to Andre Rison in Super Bowl XXXI when he immediately took off his helmet and sprinted toward the sideline? Pure elation. Although I was only four years old at the time and don’t remember it happening specifically, that’s still one of my favorite Favre highlights."

"Has to be the Monday Night Football game against the Raiders the day after Irv died. 311 passing yards and 4 TDs – all in the first half. The receivers and tight ends catching everything he threw up. One of those games where you remember exactly where you were and who you were with, and you just had that feeling that something special was happening."

"I still remember the snapshot of him running in the TD and BARELY placing it on the corner of the end zone in the Superbowl 31. What a play!"

"End of the season 2003-2004. Felt like we were the team of destiny. We had the Monday night smashing of the Raiders where Favre set records after his father died. We snuck into the Wild Card game when the Vikes lost on a last-second touchdown by the terrible AZ Cardinals. Al Harris makes Matt Hasselbeck's OT dream of, 'we want the ball and we're gonna score!' come true. 52-yard pick six. And finally the heartbreaking, fist mashing, 4th and 26 against Donovan McNabb and Freddie Mitchell (an otherwise utterly forgettable receiver). Though not strictly a Favre moment, the highs and lows of that season make it my favorite time to be a Packer fan." 

"Sure there are a lot of them to choose from, but I still go back to 1994 and the last game at County Stadium. Funny how memory works, up until about a year ago, I had convinced myself this game was against the Bears instead of the Falcons. Well, I was politely, but sternly, corrected by a nice old lady. In sum, Packers are down by three with 21 seconds left, ball is on the nine yard line. Plenty of time to throw to the endzone and score. Plenty of time for an incomplete pass stopping the clock for a field goal. Brett Favre, 'Nah, I’m just going to end this right here.' I’m not sure who jimmylegs06 is, but I like his style." 

"The Raiders game the day after his father died. The initial shock. The speculation whether he’d even play. The nationwide support when he ran onto the field. The explosion of passing offense. The team stepping up like I’ve never seen. The heartwarming walk off the field with Deanna. Sports aside, I’ve never been so glued to the TV."

"I was at Lambeau stadium the day he replaced Don Majikowski (injury), the collective group of 65,000 strong were muttering under their breath...will this guy be any good? I think we know how that turned out..." 

"I had the privilege of sitting next to Brett Favre's father, during a preseason scrimmage one year at Lambeau. Wow what a treat, a true football family from Kiln, MS.  His father was a coaching legend and Brett took his teachings to heart."  

"Favre against the Raiders on Monday Night Football after his dad died is one of the greatest individual performances of all time, considering the circumstances."

"Every time he ran to the end zone after a TD pass and threw DD or another receiver over his shoulder in celebration brought a smile to my face. It was refreshing to see greatness and fun go hand in hand, and made me feel like he could be at the local school with me and my buddies in one of our pickup games."

"Watching the Raiders game with my own Dad after Favre lost his father. Magical performance. I was home from college and the timing of that moment could not have been better for my Dad and me to watch it together."  

"Kind of random but it was a MNF game versus the Jaguars I watched in a bar in Minneapolis amongst Vikings fans. I was proudly decked out in green and gold so the patrons enjoyed giving me crap the entire game. For most of the night, they were reveling in the Packers losing, but Favre slowly chipped away and capped the comeback with a six-yard run with about a minute left. The Vikings fans were stunned and man, did I let them have it."

"I was attending game with my best friend from high school—it was Nov. 12, 1995. The previous week Favre and the Packers lost at dome in Minnesota and Favre severely sprained his ankle and was knocked out of the game. This was the famous TJ Rubley game. No one knew if Favre was going to start the next game. We got to game and sat in our seats….Bears games are always fun and they were getting ready to announce the starting lineups—this week was the Offense’s turn to be introduced. (Coach Holmgren always switched every other home game introducing D and O starters). Well, Holmgren kept all 3 QBs (less Rubley who was cut that week) in tunnel and when they got to the final announcement (QB usually) the announcer said “and starting at quarterback from Southern Miss…..” after that you could not hear a thing….the roar of the crowd at that moment was so deafening. It was awesome and definitely gave me chills. Favre proceeds to beat the Bears that game (even as a light snow came down) and ending up throwing for over 300 yards and 5 TD passes basically all on one leg. One of my favorites that I was fortunate enough to witness first hand. One of the best NFL games I have even been to because of the buzz and energy in the stadium after the starting lineup were announced and to beat the rival Bears was just an overall great game. Packers 35—Bears 28."

"Not an individual memory, but more like a collective appreciation of his time in GB. Was fortunate that Favre took over essentially as my youth began, and got absolute enjoyment just from seeing him have fun out there. Can still remember playing catch after games and mimicking the announcer as we played, saying, 'Favre to Sharpe!'"

Packers in Office Settings