U-G-L-Y. You Ain't Got No Alibi, You Ugly.

So my coma over, I wake up to a Packers loss to the Lions...no? The Packers won? They just won ugly? Well, I never would have known that after perusing the Twitterverse and blogosphere on Monday. Everywhere I turned, people were throwing themselves off cliffs like lemmings.

In order to talk some people back from the ledge, I tried to come up with some real world analogies that would help to frame what an ugly win means. Enjoy...or don't, the cliff is that way.

An ugly win is like ordering a steak, and getting an angus beef cheeseburger. Not as appetizing, but you still get red meat…and you get cheese too.

An ugly win is like getting busy in a Burger King bathroom. It’s not pretty, kind of nasty actually, but at least you got busy.

An ugly win is like going up to the bar and instead of the smoking-hot bartender in the daisy-dukes and tank top, you get the plain bartender in the sweater and baggy jeans. Not as hot, but she will always get you a drink with a smile, and at least she’s not the meathead bartender with the tribal tattoo armband who calls you “Bro”.

An ugly win is realizing there is a new Rant at the Packer Ranter but instead of being written by Robert, you find out it’s written by Franklin. Not as fulfilling, but at least you have a new Rant to read.

An ugly win is like ordering a PBR tall-boy and getting a Bud Light instead. It’s still wet, and it’s still beer. (Well, I think Bud Light is beer…can’t be sure, but I’m told it is. For this argument, we shall assume it is.)

An ugly win is like a normal win but without the style points…wait, style points mean nothing in the grand scheme of things? Huh. Robert should be alright then. BURN!

An ugly win is like mowing the lawn, yeah it sucks, and sometimes sucks pretty hard, but in the end it’s done, looks alright, and you can forget about it. Plus, you’ve got another week before the possibility arises that you have to do it all over again.

An ugly win is like a failed Lambeau Leap. Yeah sure, you bricked it in front of hundreds of thousands of Packer fans, but you still just did something that a Detroit Lion will never do. Well, two things actually: win and do a Lambeau Leap.

An ugly win is like having sausage or ham with breakfast. Sure, neither is comparable to a pile of bacon, but they are both delicious pork products that compliment a pile of eggs and hash browns.

An ugly win is like banging your head against the wall, it hurts and it probably looks stupid, but hopefully it knocks some sense into you.

An ugly win is something Tracy White…well, an ugly win is something Tracy White has never been a part of…so, bad analogy on my part.

An ugly win is just like a pretty win…they are both damn wins.

Once Upon a Pie

Every industry has its peak season. For those in the business of making pizza pies in the US of A, it coincides with the NFL season. During those four months, you can expect to generate 2/3 of your revenue for the year. If you’ve worked it, you know it’s as chaotic as it gets and definitely not for those who like to dilly dally/fiddle faddle/lolly gag. But if you can somehow grind your way through, it can pay off big.

During the ’96 season, pizza delivery was really booming in Wisconsin, and especially for our store. We had what some call the perfect storm of success. It was beautiful. After cutting ties with some major turdlingers, we realized we had kind of a Pro Bowl Pizza team. That is, we had quality tossers, efficient drivers (yours truly), smooth operators and to top it off, one of the pies we concocted one drunk Tuesday – the Triple Bacon Cheese Dripper – became successful beyond our wildest imaginations.

My store had almost 5,000 deliveries alone (a franchise record to this day, my friends) and I put almost 25k on my Tercel that season (that’s with taking game days off per my arrangement with my boss). Yeah, we were working double and triple shifts but almost always with a smile on our face. After all, we were making unprecedented money (I had a stack of tips smashed as thick as phone book). And almost as good, our customers loved seeing us. Some simply tipped more, others offered homemade knickknacks, and it wasn’t unheard of to be invited in for beers and yes, even the occasional motorboat. Life was good!

Our store performed so well that we each received a bonus from corporate of $150 (before taxes) and five vouchers for a free large one-topping with the expiration date missing (suckers!). It was the kind of reward that dissolved your cynicism and rejuvenated your faith in mankind – it truly felt that great.

But as much as I like to reminisce about that year, we owe it all to the Packers. Without a doubt, they were the hypodermic needle for the greater Green Bay/Wisconsin economy. Our store, like so many others, was simply riding the crest of that magical Packers season. I think that season was best summed upped by my coworker Geoff, a promising young tosser with webbed feet. He said, “Dude. You know what I just realized? When the Packers win, we all win!”

That’s damn right, Geoff.