Fall Internship Challenge Winning Submission

As per tradition, the Packer Ranter's Fall semester intern class battled for the coveted Tracy White Certificate of Excellence. Because it’s been known to catapult average-appearing students into top-notch job prospects, the Tracy White Certificate of Excellence (TWCoE) has grown both in legend and prestige. Former Ranter interns have gone on to exciting careers and time-consuming hobbies in insurance claims, craft store entrepreneurship and social media “specialization.”

While we appreciate the efforts of our four interns throughout the season (they are all invited to join us in Port Washington’s Fish Day this summer), we simply do not believe in participation trophies. Only one truly deserving intern receives the TWCoE signed by both Mr. Hillside and myself while the rest are rewarded by the experience of working for a real website.

After careful consideration, we eliminated Pigtails and Village Idiot from the final round – partly for their uninspiring brainstorms but mostly for their incompetent nacho skills – leaving Cornbreath and Dingleberry to battle it out. (We only use Delta Tau Chi-style names here at Ranter HQ.) The final challenge was laid out as follows via email:

The Packers are playing the Falcons for the NFC Championship Game this Sunday. You have two days to surprise us. Good luck.

We refreshed our emails regularly, expecting clarifying questions galore but they did not come...we knew we had picked our final candidates well. Only 12 hours had passed before I received a knock at my door. A friendly delivery man asked if I was the one whom they called “Greenfield.” I nodded and he handed me a heavy box wrapped in shiny green and gold ribbon. The note attached read, “May this offering be 1/100th delightful as my experience has been. With everything I am, Cornbreath.” Inside was a specially prepared care package of meats and a customized “Run the Table” giant cookie (estimated total value with rush shipping of $450+).

Nod bad, Cornbreath.

No question that Cornbreath had brought his “A” game to the intern championship challenge. But playing to our well-known and storied appetites was also an obvious choice; maybe too obvious?

Time was winding down without word from Dingleberry. If she was a minute late, she would be disqualified and Cornbreath would receive both the Certificate and accompanying cachet. While just about ready to call it off, Franklin and I received a curious message:

Coordinates – it had to be. I copied them into my browser: It was the Georgia Dome – the home of the Atlanta Falcons. So what? 

Google Earth view of the Georgia Dome

As I zoomed in, I realized Dingleberry wasn’t showing me the Georgia Dome but rather the construction area right next door. It was the Mercedes-Benz $1.5 billion future site of the Atlanta Falcons, expected to be completed next year.

Look closer.

There, just south of the Dome in a dirt-flatten area the words “GO PACK GO” surfaced as plain as day. 

Winner winner, chicken dinner!

The most amazing thing was – if you could really pinpoint a single amazing thing in the astonishing stunt – was that from ground level you probably wouldn’t be able to see it. Only from a highly elevated viewpoint could someone take notice, like via Google Earth. And it was all just for a deliberate audience of two Packer Ranters. Simply outstanding. We would eventually have to hear all the details of how this was done in such a short amount of time, but for the moment, we had to let her know immediately:

Five seconds later, she came back with the following:

For Sale – One Aaron Rodgers Jersey

What you see here is a gently worn #12 jersey size 50 with stitched letters and numbering. Although it has Reebok tagging and feels every bit authentic, I believe it to be a knock off (albeit a very nice one).

Here’s the deal: I’ve had enough of this thing. This was my first jersey I ever purchased. Before this, I had never considered myself a “jersey guy”, but when a co-worker talked me into going in on a group discount, I caved and I never felt quite right wearing it. That’s probably because I believe it to be cursed by a Wiccan Bears’ fan living in China.

You see, this jersey has been worn JUST THREE TIMES.

1)  11/1/09 – Packers lost 38-26 to the Vikings

2)  1/15/11 – Packers lost 37-20 to the Giants

3)  9/8/13 – Packers lost 34-28 to the 49ers

That’s right. I wore it three times and was subsequently the cause of both a devastating loss and severe emotional damage to Packer nation each and every time, with last weekend's loss cementing this decision. No other cause for these losses can be ascertained without attributing them to wild speculation or superstitious nonsense. These losses were on me, and I accept that.

However, I would like to emphasize that just because the jersey is clearly cursed for me does NOT mean it will be cursed for you. In fact, it may have the exact opposite effect and result in a string of championships as long as the jersey remains wearable! Or, more likely, it will simply provide you with that traditional game-day flair that will make your football viewing that much more enjoyable. It just needs to be worn by someone who would appreciate wearing it. Again, I’m just not a jersey guy and I can’t stand having cursed items in my closet. #Petpeeve

And to sweeten the dealio even more, I will DONATE all the money to charity (after shipping charges). This is not a joke – I will send you a screen capture of the charity receipt and post it on this site. (Right now, I am thinking the MAAC Fund due to Rodgers’ public support of the organization.) So, you’ll not only receive a great jersey, you’re helping support a great cause. It’s a win-win-win with more epic win upside if you wearing the jersey does in fact result in Super Bowl wins.

Please, I invite you to send your best offer to packerranter at yahoo dot com, below in the comments, or on our Facebook page, etc. and I will get back to you.

Would also consider trades for well-preserved/packaged specialty meats or cheeses, or for a generous spin through your tailgate libations at Throwback Weekend. We’ll be there, BTW.

Curse of Tracy White Lifted

Special teams just doesn't get the attention it deserves, much like Donny Kerabatsos. That said, I have a deep affinity for special teams and special teams players. It might be because special teams play is about hard work and desire as much skill and talent. Ignoring, or at least devaluing special teams last year was a large contibutor to the Packers 6-10 record. The crowning (or actually whatever the negative equivalent to crowning is...beheading?) moment of this neglect was the release of Special Team Player of the Century, Tracy White.

This is why the Clay Matthews' pick is fantastic for the Packers. Not only do they get a starting OLB opposite A. Kampman, they get the best special teams player in the draft, and he immediately becomes the best special teams player on the team...well, outside of Braveleg Crosby. Matthews work ethic and desire trasnformed him from walk-on to star in his time at USC. Special teams play was a huge part of that:

"Obviously, coming in as a walk-on, I knew I'd have to make my name through
special teams. I was able to be co-special teams player (of the year) for
the past three years. And that does sit well with many NFL teams in the fact
that they're only allowed to dress so many players and a lot of them need to
contribute on special teams. And that's what I consider my bread and butter
and that's what got me to where I am today and to be able to play
linebacker. It's just something I really appreciate and understand the value of and would love to do for years to come."

You cannot read that and not get excited to have this kid on the team 1) lining up on D with Kampman, Barnett, and Hawk and 2) flying down the field with reckless abandon destroying all those standing in his way. I mean, he looks like a Spartan...not a Trojan.

Tracy White fact of the day: Tracy White does not get impressed. Ever. He saw Clay Matthews III play and was impressed.