I Choose the Ranter!

In what can only be described as a questionable dating move, let this Rant show that Robert Greenfield is officially choosing his dedication to the Packer Ranter over his on-again/off-again ladyfriend relationship.

Some may recall my dating adventures with diehard Bears fan Connie a while back. While it was quite the psychological hurdle to even consider dating someone who idolizes Jay Cutler, I was willing to jump it for a chance at a little-known thing called love. I chronicled some of it here and even more here and here. The entire time, I concealed my identity as Head Cheese of the Packer Ranter because a) it may have been improperly labeled as dorky and b) this is not something I share with everyone.

Well my friends, don’t make the same mistake I did and write about your personal life on the Interweb – especially with real names. A friend of a friend told Connie about my stories and let’s just say she is really ticked off. Like angry badger kind of thing. I got 3 email-fulls so far and a rather nasty voicemail to boot. Turns out that women don’t like that sort of thing EVEN THOUGH you could be totally complimentary toward them (as I tried to explain).

Things have quickly turned into what feels like a simple decision I have to make: Connie or the Ranter? Well Connie, if you are reading this, I have your answer and it goes something like:

Connie,

We had some good times. We had some fun times. I will never forget that time you tried to get my barber to shave my eyebrows to “just thin them out a little” and we had the subsequent conversation about manscaping becoming more popular than MMA among the U.S. male populus (which I still disagree with, btw). Then there was that time you made my Uncle Orlo that cheeseburger surprise for his birthday and he threw up. Thrice. Those were wonderful memories I will cherish and I hope your takeaways from our time together are equally filled with fond laughter. You are a genuinely nice person and I think you will in fact make it one day as an interior designer if you stay focused and lay off the Peach Schnapps. However, I think we can both agree this was never going to work out for reasons known to you and I. I do wish you the best and will genuinely miss the smack talk. I’m sure I’ll see you at the bars.

~R.G.

P.S. The Bears still suck. Sorry, but they do. Cutler is overrated too. You’ll see. Devin Hester, also not good. Go Pack!

Some may think it cruel or just plain weird to write a “Dear John” letter like this and I’ve decided I’m generally OK with that. We only went on 4 dates (5 if you count the bass fishing expo) and I’m doing my best to be a gentleman otherwise. I hope you agree.

My 2nd Date With a Bears Fan

Occasional Thought: There are things in life that are flexible. The Packers are not one of those things.

You see that watch pictured? I have one exactly like it – given to me on my 30th birthday by my godfather Stew, who used to take me to games when I was growing up. Fun fact about Stew – he has no hair from the knees down. As an insurance salesman for 20 years, he wore long, black dress socks and I think they rubbed off all his leg hair. His brother Arnie is the total opposite…hairiest legs since George the Animal Steele. Anyway, it’s my nicest (and only) watch and I thought it was an appropriate for a date night. Didn't think it would lead to the bar heckling my date.

Last we left off, Connie and I had just finished our first blind date after meeting online. We had dinner, watched a movie and played a little get-to-know-ya (no, not that kind). All of this happened with neither her affinity for the Bears nor my dedication for the Packers ever coming up. It was the polar opposite the second time around at Anduzzis. Halfway through the second High Life, I’m rambling on about this invention I once had for an office army knife and she busts out of nowhere, gesturing toward the watch, “So just how big of a Packer fan are you?”

“Pretty damn big,” I reply. “Just how big of a Bear fan are you?” I ask.

Connie smiles, stands up and announces, “Jay Cutler! Best quarterback in the division!”
She was immediately met by an entire bar of BOOS from the Green Bay locals, including me. “I’ve been living in Green Bay for two years. I’m used to it. It’s all good fun most of the time,” she tells me.

We debate Rodgers versus Cutler for another half hour and all she can hang her hat on is the 4500+ yards he threw for last year. I nail her in every other stat imaginable and top if off with Rodgers’ outstanding professionalism for three years as Favre’s backup whereas Cutler basically whined his way out of Denver. Game. Set. Match.

It was fun because it never got ugly. Maybe this will work out? After all, just think of all the odd couples over the years. Ashton and Demi. Billy Bob and Angelina. Madonna and A-Rod. Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. Michael Jackson and McCaulay Culkin. OK, forget the last one.

My Date with a Bears Fan

A couple weeks ago, I opened the cyber door to my dating life. Things had been on the slower end and my normally golden charm at the bars was being met with rudeness and complete ignorance (as in I was being ignored completely). I will admit that maybe I was reaching by frequenting St. Norbert’s and UWGB bars, but it feels like yesterday that I was right in the mix with the twenty-somethings. (Just when did I become so uncool?) Little did I realize that there were thousands of singles in the greater Green Bay area alone who shared my frustrations with today’s scene. Enter the world of internet dating.

Within a week of posting my profile, I had already gotten almost 100 views (chicks still dig the hair!), several questions and even an invitation to play some sort of real-life Dungeons & Dragons in Oshkosh (do I look like I play D&D…wtf!). Despite some lame inquiries and casual interest, I still hadn’t gotten that mutual agreement to meet. That is, until Connie contacted me.

Connie is a 36-year old Taurus with a passion for cooking and a penchant for movies starring Jason Statham. And oh yeah – she’s a diehard fan of the Chicago Bears. Normally I would’ve discarded the email like an empty beer can but Connie was actually pretty smokin’ and the readers unanimously voted that I should give it a shot anyway (amazing response people, thanks). So I bit my lip, traded my Carhartt’s for Dockers and met her and a couple of her friends for dinner to be followed by Death Race on Blu-ray.

During the days leading up to the date, I constantly wavered between how I would react to the first mention of Chicago or some snide comment toward Brett Favre. My Packer pride runs deeper than most oceans so there would definitely be the possibility of a reaction somewhere between agitated and outraged. I decided to challenge myself by not bringing up football lest football be brought up. If it was mentioned, I would sternly yet calmly announce my unwavering allegiance to the greatest organization man has ever known, the Green Bay Packers. This would clearly establish my zealous nature and hopefully deter any negative Packer/positive Bear comments and thus the conversation/date from getting ugly.

Thankfully, it never got to that point. In between the salad, the meatloaf, the high school stories, the impressions of Balki from Perfect Strangers (don’t ask) and Mad Max-like car races, neither the Packers nor the Bears ever came up. Connie was really outgoing and friendly, and she seemed genuinely interested in my theory of comparing high school to the real world and how it’s between the Rock and Vin Diesel as to who’s today’s Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In the end, we hugged and agreed to go out again. “A sportsbar” was decided. This could get interesting…