EPIC FAIL

Feel free to post your own caption in the comments section, but I think EPIC FAIL really sums this one up.

Douche United (2009-10)

A team is a group of individuals working together.

Tango and Cash, for instance, were just a couple of supercops who liked to work alone; one had a refined style and the other was a little rough around the edges. When they were forced to work together, they were able to accomplish some pretty amazing things, including but not limited to, escaping a maximum security prison and taking down a criminal mastermind.

My point is that these were no ordinary tandems – they were great. That’s because great teams are comprised of those with complimentary abilities (sometimes opposite) who combine forces to achieve a common goal. Just think of the incredibleness illustrated in seemingly polar opposite duos such as Gimli and Legolas (dwarf/elf), Kid ‘n Play (little hair/tall hair) or Hall and Oates (mustachioed/non-mustachioed). Another good example is C3PO and R2D2; a tall, uppitty robot with legs and a British accent paired with a short ‘n stubby robot with rollers who only communicated through beeps and whistles. By themselves pretty forgettable, but together… a part of history.

So what happened to Favre and Childress? On paper you have a couple of guys who look different, talk different and definitely have differing abilities. One would think that their combined powers would leave them dominating for years, but Childress was fired and Favre is having a horrible year.

For the purposes of academia, I turned to Dr. Google where I immediately discovered the root problem. As you can see, a simple query of each man’s name into the search engine reveals major overlapping themes: they are both idiot jerk douches.


Science tells us that when there are too many like qualities, you cannot achieve harmony. It’s the perfect recipe that results in chaos or useless, homogeneous matter. Just look at New Coke or the Olsen twins. Chalk it up to a failed experiment.

R.I.P. Douche United

D-OH!

My buddy Dave is a die-hard Lions fan who’s been living with his girlfriend Darcy in Chicago for a few years. On Sunday during the Bears game, Dave had planned to jump off a 250 downtown watertower with a parachute that read “The Bears Still Suck” during the game. I just got the email – he (epic) failed.

This does not surprise me. Dave is a wild thrillseeker (cars, motorcycles, explosions, swingers parties, spicy foods), but just not a very good one. To enhance the experience of his extreme endeavors, he takes drugs (another addiction) and it’s because of this that things usually go wrong.

According to his master plan, this was going to be a standard “hop and pop” off the tower and into his dropzone – a nearby parking lot at Northwestern Law School that Darcy found on Google maps and figured would be fairly empty on gameday. Apparently, he climbed the tower with relative ease (it only took four Pink Floyd songs on his iShuffle, although one song was a 15-min. live version of “Shine on You Crazy Diamond”). Feeling good and powerful and literally atop the world, he popped more mushrooms. This turned out to be a bad idea.

While he was checking his chute one last time, a quarter mile above the streets, his vision got really blurry. He became overwhelmed by the situation and began hyperventilating. He tried to harness his Chi by standing on one leg and meditating but something broke his concentration – the sudden and intense roar of the crowd from Soldier Field. Well, Dave fell over and slid right off the side of that f#cking water tower. As he flailed around like a wounded duck, instinct took over and he pulled the chute and passed out. No joke.

Dave said he was awakened by a “wrecking ball to the chest/face”. He had plowed into a chimney in Cicero, five miles from the tower. Dave learned via his helmet cam that his arms tangled in a way that perfectly positioned his elliptical canopy to catch the wind and propel him at speeds of over 50 mph west through the city. Elliptical canopies, apparently, are used in highly competitive cross-country parachuting.

The email was sent by Darcy, who says Dave is currently in the hospital. Handcuffed to the bed. Seeking legal recommendations.

The roar of the crowd? The Calvin Johnson touchdown being overturned.