Catching Up on Some Correspondence

Usually during the bye week, I divide my time equally between replenishing my cheese stores, taking bratwurst inventory and telling Robert that I would finally sit down and write a Rant. Well, the bye week is almost gone. I have a house that smells like Gruyere, Gorgonzola and goat cheese, a solid handle on my remaining bratwurst supplies and zero inspiration to weave a cogent, yet brilliant, analysis of the Green Bay Packers. I told Robert this. His reply: "Do it, or you're fired."

He's right. Time to get motivated. I sat down with a brick of Havarti, hit "play" on my Tracy White training montage video and waited for the creative juices to start flowing. Three hours later, I awoke from my cheese coma. The answer had come to me in a dairy-induced dream: "What's the easiest way to find something to write about? Make someone else think of it." I'll sort through some emails and share my responses. I believe it's called a "Mailbag".

Right on. Here we go.

DraftKings, DraftKings, FanDuel, LinkedIn, DraftKings, ESPN Fantasy, LinkedIn, FanDuel, Cheese of the Month Club, FanDuel, Twitter "Follow: @Vikings, @DarrenRovell and @notTedThompson" ...sigh...well, maybe this isn't going to go exactly as...wait a minute, what's this?

To: packerranter@gmail.com

From: pack4life@aol.com
SUBJECT: morons 

Dear Kool Aid Drinkers, 

 You're guys are like all the rest of the "media". People bring up actual points about why our team is not as good as people say, and you think you know better than real fans because you have a blog. Wake up it's 2015, and your the only 2 guys too still blog. You just say, there 6-0 in response to everything. 6-0? Means nothing…NOTHING. How many times have we steamrolled in the regular season now to be caught with our pants down in the playoffs? It’s such a waste of talent. Before you know it, Rodgers will be gone with ONE SB and maybe another regualr season MVP. My question…for what?  And the so called other “playmakers”? Lacy—ha! Everyone puts him in commercials after last year and now look at him!... Hurt? MOre like an overweight, plodding has-been after only two years! GIVE STARKS THE DANG BALL! Play that harris guy too. He had a good run this year. We’ve got ONE guy on defense capable of making a play but guess what? He can’t stay healthy! If you get half a season from Clay consider yourself lucky.  And Cobb? Jordy? Those guys are hurt to, look at all that money you wasted that could’ve gone to getting some real playmakers on defense. SIgn a free agent one time. In case you forgot – DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS. And we’ve been bottom of the barrel for YEARS in that category. So bad in fact an average QB like Patrick Rivers comes in with no run and throws 500 FREAKING YARDS, a week after a ROOKIE running back goes for 150+!!! Meanwhile just wait until the playoffs when we lose at home. Probnably to the Giants again. ELI MANNING will get at LEAST one more because at the Giants know how to build a winner by drafting that Beckman receiver. Ted "trust Me" Thompson needs to take some lessons from a winner. I’ll take a couple crappy seasons in between if that’s what it takes. Wake me up when its over.Then you'll see us real fans were right. 

Fed up with mediocraty, 

[REDACTED]

 I didn't know how to respond. First of all, I'm not used to getting fan mail. Secondly, I know another guy with a blog, so it's not really cool to say we're the only two. Sure, podcasts are sweet because you can listen to them when you're at the gym wailing on your pecs but to write on the internet will never not be cool. Also, I haven't actually written anything here since June (it's pretty accurate though), and the last thing Robert did was give some helpful tips about tailgating, so I'm not quite sure where this is coming from. He must have seen, and obviously been frustrated by, our unwavering positivity on Twitter.

Packers' run defense was good yesterday.

— The Packer Ranter (@PackerRanter) October 19, 2015

I jotted down some initial notes for a response. Labeling anyone who doesn't agree with you as "media" is always a pretty weak start to any argument but comparing them to us is an insult. To them. I mean, they have jobs and are professional, and a lot of times, they are right about things. We usually shoot for a nice 70%, good ol' C average. 6-0? I personally think making it six games into the season is a pretty good barometer of where a team stands, even though things will undoubtedly shift as the year progresses, but to each their own. I'm not sure I know how to respond to the portion on Aaron Rodgers' legacy. I'm not Biff Tannen, I can't consult Gray's Sports Almanac to see what will happen. Falling back to the "Lacy looks big argument"? Well, it could maaaaybe, possibly, slightly be the ankle injury, but I'm no doctor. Defensive playmakers, I'm pretty sure the defense won the Packers a couple games this year, oh well, recency effect of Patrick Rivers, I guess. On Eli Manning...

Ah, forget it, I just take a stab at writing a response.

Dear [REDACTED],
I really appreciate you taking the time to write to us and share your thoughts on the Green Bay Packers, [REDACTED]. I can tell you are incredibly passionate about the team and care about their long term success. Go, Pack. Go! Am I right? Who is your favorite player on the Packers? I really like Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews and Julius Peppers. Do you have any fun gameday rituals? I wear the same socks every game. Hahaha. What is your favorite tailgate food? If you're from Wisconsin, it must be bratwurst, right? I sometimes make chili though too. Do you like sauerkraut? I love it. You know a lot about football, you must have played. High school? I played tight end and punter. Did you know Tim Masthay's nickname is "Ginger Wolverine"? Pretty awesome, right? Wolverine is my favorite X-Man. Haha. Who is yours? Do you like going to Packers' games? Lambeau Field is so cool, right? It's great when everyone yells, "Go, Pack, Go!" and does the wave. I'll bet you have some good ideas about plays the Packers should run. You should send them to the coaches. Hahaha. Bye weeks are so boring, aren't they? Anyway, it was great to hear from you. Keep up the great work as a Packers fan and Get Loud Lambeau, right? Ha! Did you get one of those shirts? You should they are cool. Go, Pack!

Frank Hillside

I really think I matched the sophistication of the initial email. I hope [REDACTED] writes back. Pen pals are fun. Feel free to use this email as a template when responding to other "passionate" fans.

Thwarted!

As dorky as it sounds when I say/type it, I play fantasy football… and I like it!

Fantasy football offers the same kind of love/hate relationship as, say, a bottle of Wild Turkey. Sure, it tastes amazing and can make you feel on top of the world. But too much and you’ll get angry and incoherent and later wake up in the frozen food section of the grocery store by the chuckling prepubescent teenager snapping pictures of you on his camera phone.

Last year I had just about enough of it. Despite my best efforts, I somehow ended up in three leagues and was talked into joining a fourth – with friends from ten years ago who I hadn’t seen for at least five. What’s worse – only half of these guys actually cared to check their lineups more than twice/season. Total slackers, agreed, yet I was committed.

The thing you have to understand is that with four fantasy teams, you essentially have every player worth having. In other words, you root for everyone and thus no one at the same time – this is a TERRIBLE place to be. I became so frustrated by the situation that I chugged a beer, ran into the garage and tried to lift the back end of my Tercel off the ground (I swear it moved).

Then came the revelation. The only way to undermine this stupid league, get guys I wanted, and avoid all responsibility was simple – I had to draft ALL Packers.

However, this turned out to be much harder than anticipated.

All the rankings seemed to agree that Jennings, Rodgers and Grant were the top 20. With the 5th pick in a 12-team league, I was in a baaaad spot to get all three. I knew I could snag #85 and #12 but the big question was, would #25 come back to me in round 3? After my “reach” for Jennings in the first followed by Rodgers in the second, the chat smackers were onto me. Yet Grant was still on the board and suddenly only two picks away! But wouldn’t you know it, the f#@$*#g Muffin Tops grabbed Grant and followed it up with a heartbreaking, “How you like me know Greenfeeld!?” (He is a notoriously bad speller).

I sank into a minor depression as I went to my next best available, Donald Driver, and it was a piece of cake to get the rest of my guys. Yes, I had all Packers but it was just incomplete with Brandon Jackson and John Kuhn in my RB spots. Believe it or not, I did finish 4-9 (that’s with a bye week!) and I did the math and would’ve gone 7-6 and made the playoffs had Grant fallen to me…sigh. This quote from American Beauty (1999) seems to sum things up nicely.

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.”