G-Men Origins: The Green & Gold Surfer

Born Aaronoldius Rodgers in the idyllic planet California, the Surfer possesses a surplus of gifts that combine otherworldly strength, stamima and accuracy, whether firing leather lasers or scampering about like the boys. His profound accuracy was later discovered to originate from his mental bond to the pigskin, which moves in response to his mental commands, which are vast and fast, much like the women of his home planet.

The Green & Gold Surfer originally made a promise with SilverHair to lead the G-Men after Greybeard’s inevitable exodus. He spent years in a purgartory-like state, biding his time and secretly honing the skills that would eventually dominate the Norse Galaxy.

Despite fears his natural armor would be easily exposed, the Surfer has shown the ability to absorb energy blows, even when his protective shield was acting more like Swiss Cheese (not mentioning any G-Men names though… Barbre Shop). He also displays keen senses of detecting foul beings of mostly purple and blue shades.

The Surfer does not sleep and is known for maintaining a Zen-like balance. He can survive and thrive in almost any environment, whether sub-zero tundra or black holes. The G-Men proved wise in agreeing to terms with the Surfer that would allow him to lead the team for years to come.

The Ranter Needs Your Help!

Some people (especially radio guys it seems) hate it when you ask them, gently suggest, or flat out tell them what to talk about. Here at the Ranter, we take no such stance. We like to think of ourselves as a collective, a commune if you will. We take suggestions, we take questions, and sometimes we’ll even take direct orders, usually not without a snarky comment, but we’ll still take it. Our ultimate goal is your happiness, and not like the happiness created by booze; well, at least a strong pairing for the boozy happiness that so many of our readers, all eight of you, drift along in.

So here’s my request to you, let us know what you want to read about. Because, contrary to popular belief, it’s not easy to come up with the stuff that graces the posts of The Ranter, regardless of how easy Greenfield makes it seem. Let’s be honest, the offseason is too damn long for us to come up with original stuff every day. Hell, it took me ten minutes to come up with the idea of doing a Rant with no idea other than asking for Rant ideas. Brilliant! Thank you!

Do you want more G-Men Origins? Who do you want ‘The Chronicler’ to immortalize next? Classic G-men characters like ‘24 Karat Hornung’ or newer heroes like ‘The Green and Gold Surfer’?

Do you want G-Men Nemesis Rants? ‘The Grey Ghost’, ‘Rodeo Clown’, and ‘The Weeper’?

Do you want more in-depth draft analysis? A mock, mock if you will? For example: would you rather draft Mel Kipers freak-show hair in the first round, or trade down and draft the idiot, over-reactive Jets fans that always make the draft hilarious to watch?

Do you want more interviews with other Packers bloggers? I know Alex Tallitsch and Brian Carriveau really set the bar high, but I think we can get to know some of these people who spend their time writing for the interwebs about all things Packers. Any specific questions you want asked?

Do you want to know how many times Robert rode the mechanical bull outside Stadium View after the Packer/Viking game this year? And why? Or as I like to call it: “Adventures in Tailgating”. Sorry, no Elisabeth Shue…at least not THIS year.

Do you want more Guest Rants by wordsmiths like Lony Olec, D the Dragon, or The Company Man: John Johnson (Ted Thompson’s #1 Fan)?

Do you want something so crazy, that it would violently tear at our sanity, and make us laugh hysterically?!?!? I’m not that clever, so the topic will have to come from you.

Do you want me to stop being lazy and just think up stuff on my own? Fine, but tell Greenfield he has to buy better beer then, the Duff’s is just leaving me sluggish.

If you’ve got an idea or want to have your voice heard and responded to, leave a comment or send an email…it’s a long offseason, so we will get to it. If not, Robert is Director of The Ranter Complaint Department.

G-Men Origins: Iron Thigh

Born Masonathan Gargomel Crosby IV, he is a G-Men specialist and socialite playboy whose right leg was engineered into a high-powered bionic weapon known as Iron Thigh.

As a teenager, Mason’s young thigh showed promise. It was girthier than the other boys and more defined as well. He routinely triumphed in Herculean-like challenges – the Texas leg press, the leg push-up, kick the keg and so on. The legend of Mason’s thigh grew and earned him an opportunity to serve with the Buffaloes of Colorado. There, his leg ego ran wild. He charged women to touch it, convinced the alchemy club to bronze it, and even ordered biomedical department to routinely experiment on his thigh lest he use his legs as a nutcracker and their heads as giant walnuts… or something.

After several failed experiments, Iron Thigh was completed. Upon graduation, he enlisted with the G-Men and proved to be immediately effective. The pressures have since mounted for Iron Thigh and although his leg remains as powerful as ever, it’s less about the length and more about the width these days.

Subsequent re-imaginings of Iron Thigh have placed him in both the Civil War as a cannonball kicker and also as the star of Kicked Off, a dating show where he sends unwanted women into the abyss with an otherworldly booming kick. For now, Iron Thigh seeks to regain his seemingly lost reputation as a mighty leg specialist for the G-Men.

G-Men Origins: Lion King

Lion King is a member of the family Secondarie where males reach upwards of 14 stone. Visually, Lion King is highly distinctive and easily recognized by his Predator-like black mane. With uncanny speed and power to match, Lion King can easily take down prey of similar size or larger.

After seeing limited battlefield action under the Elephant Seal (not to be confused with the Walrus), Lion King was subsequently traded to the G-Men for a quaff of mead and some battle armor in the year of our Lord, three and two-thousand. This proved a very unwise action by the Elephant Seal but extremely fortuitous for the G-Men.

In his time defending the G-Men, Lion King has displayed great feats of athleticism, strength and cunning. Like many in the family Secondarie, Lion King spends half his time resting and the other half in intermittent bursts of activity, usually in coordinated hunts with Woodchuck. He has encountered numerous enemies, consistently rendering them powerless and ineffectual.

Dedicated and highly durable, Lion King recently suffered a rare injury only a level six Liger could heal .This leaves Lion King’s future with the G-Men somewhat in doubt. What is certain is that when Lion King is on the field, the G-Men have an increased chance of victory.

G-Men Origins: Hawkman

Part Midwestern humanoid and part Broad-Winger, the Hawkman is known for his bulkish figure and attacking ferocity. Thought to be the reincarnation of an ancient Nordic prince, the Hawkman’s conspicuous long, blonde hair is reminiscent of a violent medieval warrior but also serves as a female attractor when not in combat.

As a first-class graduate, the Hawkman was believed to have mythical abilities that would help lead the G-Men for centuries. However, success was mixed for the Hawkman, and he was relegated by Silver Hair to serve on special missions instead of patrolling the main battlefield.

The Hawkman remains a controversial figure. There are those who believe he will someday help lead the G-Men to victory while others suggest he would not yield a return more substantial than a skin of goat’s milk from a one-eyed gypsy.