Time to Send a Message

There comes a time in every warrior’s life when they stand alone on the brink of battle. Thoughts race through his or her mind: “Am I ready?” “Can I do this?” “Will I survive?” “Is my boomstick loaded?” In the end, these questions mean nothing, as the warrior will engage…because that is what they are trained to do.

The Green Bay Packers stand on this brink. They are on a ridge overlooking the battlefield, and they are surveying their bloodthirsty enemies. The prognostificationizers say that their victory is imminent. I like that, but if that is the case, they need emerge from this battle and send a message like all warriors send after victory. That message needs to be clear, concise, and easy for the knuckle-draggers to understand.

I’ve thought long and hard about a message that all will understand…then it came to me while watching Ghostbusters II…specifically the parts with Vigo the Carpathian, Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, Vigo the Unholy, and also Vigo the Butch. In the Middle Ages, armies would put the heads of their fallen foes on spikes and display them for all their enemies to see. I see no reason why this can’t be the message that the Packers send:

Think of the photo-ops for the kids before games. People will be lining up in droves to see The Message. Each week it will grow by 4 to 5 spikes until the Super Bowl…with any luck this display of overt power will scare the AFC team from even showing up. (Every good warrior knows battle should only be a last resort when all other means have been exhausted)

They are the Packers, and you are like the buzzing of flies to them.

Green and Gold Samurai

Samurai. Got your attention?

The warrior-elite of feudal Japan have become the stuff of legend. Known for their battlefield prowess, they were also scholars, poets, and prolific zen-gardeners (You can’t fight all the time; you need a place to tend to your wounds every now and then). They were known for their honor and respect of tradition, both within their own samurai culture and the Japanese society as a whole. But let’s be honest, ultimately a samurai is understood to be a master of combat. A sword, staff, spear, bow and arrows, are all creative tools of their death-dealing trade. Modern fictional versions of the samurai include: Jedi Knights, The Bride, this Dude, not this Dude, and even Wolverine. I could even make a wild assertion that these guys were modern version of the samurai.

The reason this all comes up is because I just watched Ronin again. For those not versed in Japanese, ronin is the term given to samurai who have no master and are motivated by the acquisition of wealth…and possibly women, but I haven’t ever heard that second part, it’s more of a personal inference. Anyway, Ronin... ronin… samurai… Ghostbusters… Nick Barnett. You don’t need to see my connections, but the point being is I got there today. Well, the Ghostbusters are actually irrelevant to this argument, but anytime you can try to justify in your head a claim that Peter Venkman and Ray Stantz are samurai, you know it’s a good day.

Back to Nick Barnett. Green Bay’s very own samurai is having a phenomenal season, which I’m sure you’re all aware of. He leads the Packers in tackles, has four sacks, and he has done all this in a new defense and while recovering from a shredded knee. Barnett must have a pretty sweet zen-garden to meditate and recover in to pull off the recovery that he has. His resume for this season and in years past speaks to the dedication he has to his craft. Yet, something always creeps into the Nick Barnett discussion, and it boggles my mind. Some Packer fans question his samurai sword celebration.

I still read or hear about people being bugged by it, or thinking it’s not being used at the appropriate time. To this I say, you’re lucky you’re not dead already. In feudal Japan, samurai had the right to kill commoners when they saw fit, and it’s lucky Barnett hasn’t seen fit to eliminate you critics with his katana. You are only breathing because #56 is merciful and doesn’t want to waste time cleaning the blood from his blade after he separates your head from your torso for your insolence.

I’ve never questioned the Barnett samurai sword. EVER. In fact, I love it. I can always see it coming, and I stand up and copy it (not nearly as well). I do this for two reasons: 1) it, and samurai, are freakin’ cool and 2) I don’t want Nick Barnett to become angered by my lack of enthusiasm. I like my head attached to my torso, thank you very much.

So, Nick, if you’re reading this, congrats on the great season, good luck in the playoffs, and here’s to many, many more samurai sword celebrations this postseason and beyond.

The Alert Level is Green and Gold

Packer fans, there is an enemy on the horizon far greater than any you have ever seen. This man is not a member of the Rams and most definitely not Adrian Peterson. Nay, this man is more dangerous than the evil love-child of Darth Vader, Freddy Krueger, Norman Bates, Keyser Soze, and Gozer the Gozerian, (the Goze is freaky like that). This man is not a member of the Axis of Evil and probably isn’t a member of Al Queda…I say probably because I can’t be sure, and even if I was, I’m not authorized to share that information with you, need to know basis and all that. He may not be on the FBI’s most wanted list, but he has made Wisconsin's persona non grata list in my book. And, you all know how important my lists are.

This dastardly human, who may or may not be a mixed-breed Bears/Vikings combo fan, is Charlie Radtke, owner of Phoenix Marketing Group of Milwaukee. My motto has always been never trust someone in marketing and that seems to hold true…once again. You see, Charlie Radtke has plans to change the Green Bay Packer logo into some gross, bastard-child logo that includes a “B” presumably from "Bay", but it could signify "bastard," no one knows. Combining these letters into a new logo would be comparable to combining Nickelback, Creed, John Mayer, The Jonas Brothers, and the Eagles into a supergroup for a Christmas Album. Just imagining that made me decide not the celebrate Christmas this year….and I LOVE presents.

Lucky for us, no one really cared, that is until something called Jim Stingl returned his call and gave a level of credence to this whack-job, although I’m not sure what level of credence the Opinion section of the Journal Sentinel really gives anyone (I'm actually probably giving it more by writing about it here at The Ranter). Radtke claims he doesn’t “want to see torches and pitchforks, angry villagers”. Well, Charlie, there’s an easy fix to that, shut your mouth, delete/burn/bury your designs, and disappear for awhile.

On a positive note, the designs are so awful that a drunk eight year-old could have done them with an Apple IIe, so I think we are safe from any uniform changes in the near future. However, people like Charlie are dangerous in that they can work in secret, behind the scenes and suddenly there is an ugly “G-B” on the helmet of Cullen Jenkins. You think I’m paranoid? Ha! Ron Wolf thought about changing the uniforms (then came to his senses). Also, I must remind you: never underestimate the power of the vocal minority…Prohibition and the Patriot Act are prime examples.

Please practice constant vigilance, Packer fans. Constant vigilance.