Hear That? That's the Sound of Awesome Sauce

GOIBER (n.) An acronym, which stands for "Greenfield's Observations, Inventions, Brainstorms & Experiments Room." Also known as my basement.

GOIBER rule #14: No matter what the purpose of entry, bring enough sustenance* to last eight days – you never know what could happen.

*Acceptable forms of sustenance include, but are not limited to, jerky, water, alcohol, Cheez It’s® and gummi bears.

Good ideas can come from anyone. Great ideas require a little more – ingenuity, passion, the courage to forge ahead despite your family, friends, coworkers and trolls calling you a damned fool. That, and a secret room.

Some time ago, after getting twisted in my vacuum cord for the umpteenth time, I decided to do something about it. I locked myself for a week in my GOIBER, determined to formulate a mathematical solution for cordless electricity based only on the principles derived from the Faraday cage and Mortal Kombat’s Raiden. But I lacked true focus. Theories led to tangents which led to endless streams of disruptive equations. It was ugly. Then the Dirt Devil came out, and life was good again.

As a Packer fan, you are undoubtedly excited about the recently announced stadium expansion, which will create a so-called “wall of sound.” According to the Packers, these new 6,600 seats in the South End Zone will make a “tremendous impact on the noise level of the stadium.” To me it, it’s like sound on steroids (which, at the moment, cannot be tested but once enough stadiums adopt this practice, the regulatory dweebs with surely intercede...groan).

Until we experience this new and improved G-Force for ourselves, it will have to be left to the imagination. But as novice idea generator myself, I want to give the Packers their due props for this concept. It could, in some way, revolutionize the Lambeau experience – a thought so powerful one can only presume it came from the mysterious LOIBER (Lombardi’s Observations, Inventions, Brainstorms & Experiments Room) hidden deep within the bosom of Lambeau Field.

Well done, Packers. Well done indeed.



From My Goiber to Yours

GOIBER (n.) An acronym, which stands for "Greenfield's Observations, Inventions, Brainstorms & Experiments Room." Also known as my basement.

It’s been said that everyone has at least one great idea. Not to brag, but I’ve had like seven so far. But this isn’t the venue to get into fingerprint identification undergarments. Instead, I’d like the share a few ideas I whipped up in the ol’ GOIBER in honor of the big showdown this weekend with the Bears.

Jay Cutler Interception Slinger
OK, so this is a like an outdoor arcade game shaped in the form of Jay Cutler. Simply load footballs into the chamber on his back and when you’re ready, yell “Hike!” The voice-activated game will begin slinging wobbly, poorly-thrown passes in the vicinity of preset trajectories. Whenever the ball is caught, you’ll hear an actual TV/radio soundbyte of an announcer from one of his career interceptions – over 75 soundbytes in all! On top of that, the Cutler robot will hang his head and cry “real” tears (you need to fill his head with water first).

Lovie Smith Checker Board
Sure, at first glance, there’s nothing odd about this, right? That is until you realize that every other NFL coach has a chess board to his name. Zing!

Oprah Show: Home Team Disadvantage
This would be a reoccurring series about Bears fans who’s hearts have been broken over the years. Figured Oprah is perfect since the show tapes in Chicago. These fans would discuss frustrations with the Bears as well as secret jealousies of Packer fans. Probably the occasional complex with Milwaukee as well.

Chicago Sucks! Toilet Paper
A little crude, perhaps. But just imagine the satisfaction and of wiping your behind with TP embossed with the Bears logo. “That take, b!tches,” you might even say. Talk about a stocking stuffer and I really think a roll of Chicago Sucks! TP offers that little added personal insight for those creepy door-to-door salesmen that come around selling you Vogue subscriptions and then use your bathroom. This will give them something to think about and also lets them know you’re probably not the type of hombre to mess with.

Other ideas are welcome in the comments section…

Introducing the Camping Man

There's a new toy in town.

With such positive feedback about the Corey in Madison’s action figure idea, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to develop a 2D prototype of Aaron "The Camping Man" action figure!

As a genuine work-in-progress (that I’m pretty proud of), I would describe the Camping Man as rugged, resourceful and friendly – kind of a GI Joe meets Lambeau. "From the backyard to the North woods, it’s the perfect camping complement for any young Packer fan or any Packer fan simply young at heart," one could say.

You’ll notice he is donned in green and gold attire, and I would assume that any outfit The Camping Man wears would reflect the Packers colors. Underneath that outfit and painted on his plastic body is a manly, black, Under Armor one-piece that showcases both toughness and pride (maybe there will be a limited-edition Green Bay Packers American Gladiators-style suit someday). Possible accessories include the fire, plate ‘o burgers, wieners on a stick, fishing hat and machete for blazing trails through tall grass an’ such.

As far as size goes, I’m thinking the Camping Man would be 12 inches tall. That’s not too small as to get overlooked and not too big that it would fall into doll status. And since this is a camping-specific action figure, either he simply glows in the dark or if you say, “Guide me Camping Man!”, his eyes become two miniature flashlights. Yes!

I honestly believe AK would be proud of this one.

From My Goiber to Yours

GOIBER (n.) An acronym, which stands for "Greenfield's Observations, Inventions, Brainstorms & Experiments Room." Also known as my basement.

It’s been said that everyone has at least one great idea. Not to brag, but I’ve had two so far (the endless bag of money and flying cars). When it comes to ideas related to the Packers and football, I can’t think of a better group to poll than the greatest fans in the world.

A few weeks ago, I requested that our readers volunteer their great Packer inventions to share. I was pleasantly surprised there are so many creative Packer fans out there. I’m happy to say you answered the call. Here is a list of the top Packer inventions as submitted by fans of the Ranter – all equal value in originality and awesomeness.

Ice Cup Holders – Graham, Wisconsin native, now in the Chicago suburbs
Like some of the best Packer ideas, this one was inspired right at Lambeau at the below-freezing 2007 NFC Championship game. Here’s how Ice Cup Holders came about in Graham’s own words:

As I was sitting (standing) sipping my beer and yelling loudly, my beer seemed to get colder. It occurred to me that this is not normally the progression of events when drinking a beer… Then it occurred to me. Sure I’m in Green Bay, the best place in the world, but how could I bring a little Green Bay to others.

Just think of the pleasure to millions of fans whose beer gets colder DURING the game. Then you can go get two beers, put one in your beer cooling cup holder and drink one while your other is getting COLDER.

Now if that doesn’t put you in the mood for a cold one, I’m not sure what will. I’m seriously considering pursuing a prototype for Ice Cup Holders in my GOIBER. Thanks Graham!

Green Bay Packer Crackers – John in Wauwatosa
“Green Bay Packer Crackers” is the only thing that John wrote, and why not? It doesn’t need a whole lot of explanation.

Seriously, this invention is absolutely brilliant in its simplicity. In all honesty, I’m kind of surprised I haven’t seen this anywhere yet. You could be onto something, John. And crackers go with cheese so well!

Aaron Kampman “The Camping Man” Action Figure – Corey in Madison
This idea apparently came from my AJ Hawkman post last month and a lifelong affinity for camping. Corey in Madison noted that Aaron Kampman is from the Midwest, looks like an outdoorsy fellow and is also a very charitable person. This makes him not only a good role model, but also a potential toy.

I always brought my GI Joe’s camping when I was little but my son just isn’t into them. He’s such a huge Packers fan that I think an Aaron Kampman action figure would really make him happy when we go up North.

And what little boy wouldn’t be happy with a toy molded in the form of a future Packer HOFer? What would make this invention even sweeter would be like a series of outdoor outfits you could dress AK in (the Hunter, the Camper, the Hunter/Gatherer, etc.). But maybe dress-up gets a little too Barbie, eh? Thanks, Corey!

40-oz Koozies – John in Wauwatosa
They make ‘em for 12-oz bottles and cans, why not a 40-ozer? This is the second zinger from Wauwatosa John and another gem. Just imagine the envy of your friends as you carry around your O.E. in a mega Packer koozie. Well done, John, well done indeed. Let's party sometime, btw.

Leg-Mounted Brat Holders – Franklin Hillside of the Original Packer Ranter
This isn’t your ordinary Leg-Mounted Brat Holder; this one is mounted right inside your pants! …You know, to help your legs stay warm during cold games.

As each holder would potentially hold four brats, if you double your Leg-Mounts, you’ve doubled your brats (eight!!). Not only will you be saving money from not having to buy your meat at the game, but you can also make new friends as you pass them out to your Lambeau neighbors. (Optional kraut dispenser clips to the inside of your jacket.)

I’ll merely echo Franklin’s words when I say, “Yes!!!!” to the Leg-Mounted Brat Holders.