Free Playboy Was Nice. This Season Will Be Better.

In 7^th grade, Matt Nackers had a big reveal for the 12-year-old boys at the lunch table – whilst checking box scores in the paper the night before, he found an ad for free trial of Playboy television. All you had to do was call your cable company, mention the ad and Playboy would be yours during for 24 glorious hours starting TONIGHT.

The thought of scrambled TV on forbidden Channel 99 coming in crystal clear was a thought too amazing to fathom. (This was pre-Internet, people, so those born before 1987 might actually understand the reference.) And therefore, as immature middle-school boys, we geeked out for a good 2-3 minutes before re-conversing.

“This will NEVER work!” someone said.

“Oh, but it already HAS…,” Matt reassured them. “I called last night and pretended to be my dad. They TOTALLY BOUGHT IT!”

Another milder, yet equally intense geek out. It was settled: each of us would follow in Matt’s pioneering footsteps and have a childhood fantasy come true.

My conversation went something like: “Hello, I’m calling about this (sweet) deal for free Playboy I saw in the paper / Haha, of course I’m over 18! / Great, so it’s all settled then? / You also have a nice day. / YES!”

I waited on pins and needs as my parents went to bed to sneak downstairs and turn on the TV. It fricken worked. Unreal. The only thing I could compare that initial moment to is this scene in Animal House:

OK, so the free trial turned out to be a much tamer/stranger version I what I was hoping for, including a rather lengthy, unexpected montage of LaToya Jackson dancing around and some weird interviews with a non-attractive swinger group. Even then, I was like, “Really?” It actually got boring and I went to bed. But STILL, I had gotten away with it and it’s all we could talk about the next day at school. “Yeah, that one lady did look like Matt’s mom!” LOLOLOLOL.

I know what you’re saying: “Great anecdote, Robert. It was mildly amusing and perhaps little too long, but what the hell does this have to do with the Packers?” Well, kind reader, as the post title suggests, that was nice, but I believe this season will be much better.

Truth be told: I’m insanely optimistic heading into each season – this is true for most of my teams. Hell, I even thought the Bucks could put something together. But I see a lot that gives me reason to feel this way.

I see a secondary filled with competition and players ready to assume leadership roles.

I see a dynamic running game brewing unlike anything I can remember.

I see key guys on defense returning from injury and fresh talent that will get newfound pressure on the QB.

  

I see a three talented wideouts and a tight end who would not shock anyone by having Pro Bowl years.

I see the premier NFL quarterback at the top of his game who hears your lofty expectations and throws them back in your face, saying, “YOU KNOW NOT WHAT I EXPECT OF MYSELF!”

Most of all, I see a team with a collective chip on its shoulder and some unfinished business that it is more than capable of closing out with glorious proficiency.

Get on the wagon, Packer fans, because despite the doubters, I for one believe it’s going to be one sweet ride in 2013. In fact, I’d go as far as saying this season will be at LEAST ten times better than a late 80’s LaToya Jackson in a nightie.

Anything for the Kids

A young, fairly promising student recently contacted the Ranter for help on his school project. Below is the transcript of our communication. His name and school have been withheld to protect his identity, therefore do not try and find him.

Hello sirs. My name is Timothy (Name Withheld). I am a 6th grader at (School Withheld) Middle School. I am doing a report for my english class on sports bloggers. Would you please answer a few questions for my report? I would be very thankful.

Salutations, young Timmy. We’d be happy to answer your questions. Fire away, lil’ sailor, and don’t be shy! We’re here to help.

What does it take to be sports blogger?

Can you wrestle a groundhog and beat him 7 times out of 10? That’s pretty much all it takes. Keep it personal, it allows others to relate to your fandom, and it tends to mean more to YOU that way. For example, talk about how you pinned the groundhog and then stood up and did The Belt followed by The Raji. You also have to be able remember at least one password, or at least have it written down in your wallet.

What credentials do you need to have?

In 1994, Robert chiseled a turtle out of a 2x4. Franklin has a cheese drawer in his fridge.

Do you need to be a good writer to be a blogger?

LOL.

What inspires you both to write?

Franklin rubs the head of his Lynn Dickey bobblehead in a counterclockwise motion then….boom! Idea. Robert listens to the Packerena on repeat while staring at the wall until he’s ready to burst.

Who is your audience?

Well, outside of moms, crazy uncles, and presumably Ted Thompson, I think there are about 6-10 Packer fans (and even a Viking, Lion, and Bear fan or two) that check in every once in a while to either agree, or simply shake their heads with what we post. One thing we have learned: keep posting. People will leave if you get lazy…and The Dude is most certainly lazy (ask your dad what that reference means, Timmy).

Where do you prefer to create?

Within hands- or hairs-reach of the computer.

My English teacher is also a sports blogger. She has a powerlifting blog. She told me ask how much you two stringbeans squat?

Like how many times each day…or what? That hardly seems relevant.

By the way, you guys have really funny hair! Thanks for helping me out.

Please rephrase the question, Timmy. Also, what sort of citations will you be using? We both prefer footnotes.