These are a Few of My Favorite (Packers) Things

Rainbows from Rodgers to Jordy or Randall

Favre speculation and outings to Lambeau

Pro shops and tailgates and parking for free

These are a few of my favorite things

Ted Thompson pressers and crisp charcoaled bratwursts

Throwbacks and fullbacks and Super Bowl curses

Face-value tickets with no hidden strings

These are a few of my favorite things

Color-coded mock drafts made in Excel

Angry young trolls who can’t even spell

Pictures of Packers on bikes meant for tweens

These are a few of my favorite things

On a bye week

In the offseason

When I’m feeling sad

I simply remember my favorite things

AND THEN I JUST YELL “GO PACK!!!”      

[Repeat all verses.]

It really works. What things do you like?

Fields of Green and Gold

These are a few random thoughts in no particular order.

*I am in a good mood. Not too overfed with the many sweet tastes of victory – still need to perform the daily functions of jerky tenderizing, managing the DVR and emailing news organizations regarding the under-reported groundswell of rabid, malicious squirrels in the area. I mean, they’re not even scared of us anymore! But I’m also not too stubborn to hide this perma-grin, either.

*There was little doubt in my mind this would be the biggest Super Bowl of all time. All the elements were in place. Huge, rabid fan bases. NFL stars galore. Storied franchises. A billion-dollar stadium. A million-and-one angles. Lockout on the horizon. Google. iPhone. Twitter. To my knowledge, this is the only event in history that could bring together the likes of A-Rod, Harry Ford, Fergie, Aaron Rodgers and Brian Carriveau.

*It is just so damn amazing what happened yesterday… last week… this whole season that I can’t wrap my head around it. I want to relive it all – preferably through a 3D virtual reality, multi-sensory adventure designed by James Cameron. (I will probably just buy Super Bowl XLV Champions DVD instead.)

*I just heard on Green and Gold that this could be the greatest year in Wisconsin sports history. Badger football in the Rose Bowl, Packers SB champs, Brewers may make the playoffs, etc. I find it funny (because it’s true) that the Lombardi trophy can compensate for shortcomings in the other teams.

*The Super Bowl ads were weak, again. I give a lot credit to the ad agencies for this – just how in the hell did you convince your client to spend millions of dollars on such uncreative, retreaded garbage? Next year, call the Ranter. We work for meat and cheese.

*Isn’t it amazing the way we neutralized Troy Polamalu and James Harrison? Polamalu was Defensive Player of the Year and Harrison finished third. They combined for a whopping four tackles and one sack. Folks, that is all about great game-planning and an amazing performance by Rodgers to read, react, avoid them, etc. SB MVP is right.

*I let myself down by not getting around to designing a poster like I did for the NFC Championship game. There were so many great compliments for that one. Make no mistake, it’s on my mind and something I am all but guaranteeing will happen soon. I am currently on the hunt for some inspiration, which will probably come in the form of medieval warrior or futuristic concept art. Be on the lookout!

*Congratulations to the Packers in every way possible. I literally like every single guy (to varying degrees) on the team, and am happy for them all. This was not only a team win, this was also an organizational win. This has class and dynasty written all over it. It's good to be a Packer fan.

Trash Talkin' with Vikings Gab

Once is a while before a big game, I’ll hit up some rival blogs and smack on their comments section. It’s usually pretty fun even if I only get a personal giggle or two out of it. After cracking his team, the editor of VikingsGab.com (and nice guy), Adam Warwas, offered me the opportunity to go toe-to-toe in a smackoff for his last post. It got a little heated there somewhere in between but it was a lot of fun.

As Franklin and I say, the first time a man faces a Packer Ranter is usually their last. You be the judge. Below is an abbreviated version. For the whole smackoff, here’s the story.

RG: I’ve been asked to tell you why the Packers will win MNF. The answer is seventy-fold. No ones knows #4 better than GB – his history, his tendencies, even his tendinitis (both knees, elbows and right thumb, btw). After his best game last year, Favre began a streak of nasty INTs that left Jets fans feeling as though they’ve been roofied. What great timing that the Packers come into the Dome as the top ballhawks in the NFL.

AW: For the most part I agree on your Favre take. But let’s face it, this is an important game to Brett, and he has a way of winning those “special” games. Unfortunately for the Packers, however, Brett Favre does not make or break these Vikings. With players like Adrian Peterson, Visanthe Shiancoe, Percy Harvin, E.J. Henderson, Antoine Winfield, Jared Allen, and the WilliamsWall, our quarterback truly is only part of what makes this team win football games.

RG: If Favre doesn’t make or break the Vikings, why didn’t you stick with T-Jack? Are you now suggesting it was a giant PR stunt to sell jerseys and season tickets? Yes, you’ve got some playmakers and I can’t take anything away from Peterson. Much like Alf, he is other-worldly (except that time we hurt him during a 34-0 thrashing in ’07… hehe). But you followed your list of Vikings playmakers after AP with Shiancoe though? Really? Mr. Six Catches for 49 yards Shiancoe? Pretty sure #81 wouldn’t even make our squad.

AW: You pretty much summed up exactly why I think the Vikings got Brett Favre. Don’t under estimate Shiancoe, either. He’s itching for a big game. And don’t let Adrian’s few (very few) struggles in his rookie year make you think you have some sort of way to stop him. There is no way to stop him, and if you try he’ll just run you over. Just ask Al Harris. Better send McCarthy some Tylenol, because he’s going to have quite the headache trying to figure out a game plan for this one. Or does he even do game plans anymore?

RG: I thought the entire state was already planning for #4’s Viking HOF induction. Mark it down as just another chapter in the never-ending “How Not to Run an Organization” saga, aka the Zygmunt Wilf story. As far as Shiancoe goes, I think he’s been itching for a big game his entire career. I know it’s something foreign to you, but our QB can do more than just throw (Favre) or just run (Jackson). So even if the Turbo Lax Williams boys squeak though, Rodgers can make a play on his feet. I even took your advice and Al Harris still feels bad about tearing the AP’s LCL in ‘07.

AW: Tell Al not to worry, #28 is an incredibly forgiving guy. Even cheap shots from has-beens don’t keep Adrian from churning out the yards. Any day I’d take Wilf over your “share holders” and incompetent putz Ted Thompson. Luck or no luck, we didn’t lose to a team as crappy as the Bungles and the Packers have. We are winning more games, scoring more points, and giving up fewer points than the Pack. That’s all I need to know to think the Vikes have the edge.

RG: Sure, bring Wario on over! They’re opening a new wing of the Pro Shop and we need a good PR guy. And while he’s here, he can stop by Lambeau and take notes on the greatest stadium (and fans) in the NFL and list them under “Things The Vikings Will Never Have.” Instead of inflating victories against three of the worst teams from last year, let me remind you that GB has owned MN as of late, winning 5 out of the last 6.

Robert’s Prediction: Packers 24, Vikings 20
Adam’s Prediction: Vikings 34, Packers 27

Meet Your Neighbor

Won’t you be my neighbor? Hi, neighbor!

In an effort to better understand what makes Packers’ fans tick in our Packer Neighborhood, I have come up with a list of questions that, in my humble opinion, will tell you everything you’ll ever need to know about the people behind the scenes of the numerous and exceptional Packers’ blogs. These are the guys Robert and I read on a daily basis and you should too if you call yourself a fan.

First up, I present to you, Alex, from Packers Lounge. Good humor, a critical eye, and intense passion for all things Green Bay fuel this blog. Without further ado, I give you the Packer Ranter Neighborhood Interview:

1) If you woke up in the middle of the night, and Ted Thompson was standing over your bed watching you sleep, what would you offer him to drink? (that's the polite thing to do) Why?

First off, let me make it abundantly clear that I want Ted nowhere near my bed at anytime. Secondly, if he was watching me sleep it would be hard to offer him anything. This being said, I would approach the situation Santa Claus style by making sure to leave out something every night lest I miss him.

Instead of the traditional glass of milk, I think Ted would appreciate a bottle of True Blood. You know, the stuff the vampires drink in the HBO series. I don’t know if Ted is a vampire, but I do know the guy looks like something straight out of Revenge of the Zombies. Ted Thompson is the living dead at the very least. This is yet another reason for him to stay the hell out of my bedroom.

2) What's your favorite '80s hair band, and how do you relate them to the Packers? (this is relative, you may hate 80's hair bands, but if you had to choose one, who would it be)

Everybody knows that the greatest 80’s hair band is a tossup between Warrant and Winger. With classics like “She’s only Seventeen” and “The Down Boys” both bands reek of spandex and Aqua Net. Granted, Motley Crue, RATT, Tesla, Autograph, Cinderella, Fire House, Poison, Def Leppard, and Whitesnake all deserve high marks, Warrant and Winger simply are unmatched in their ultra lameness.

How does this relate to the Packers? How the hell is anyone supposed to answer that? If I had to take a stretch, Rick Allen, the drummer from Def Leppard had one arm. This immediately makes me think of Justin Harrell, except Rick Allen was good.

3) Which cheddar is beddar: mild, medium, or sharp? Subquestion: How the hell does California think they can make cheese?
Sharp cheddar is the best cheese there is. I should know I eat a ton of it. Little known fact, I drink two gallons of milk every week and eat a block of cheese. Milk is my favorite drink of all time. Being partial to that product, and its production in my home state of Wisconsin, California can take a flying $%^# at a rolling cheese log.
4) If John Rambo, in his prime of First Blood Part II, played for the Packers, which position would he play? Is he Pro Bowl material, or just a serviceable player?
Rambo would never make the Packers squad because he is not Packer people. I mean the guy is tough but he can’t take direction. I mean how many times did Rambo ignore orders from John Murdock? Ted Thompson would never have any of that, look at Anthony Smith. Rambo would most likely be in the secondary somewhere, but due to his height disadvantage he might only be a special teamer. Regardless, after he gutted out a couple players in week one with his big ass serrated Bowie knife, he would probably be cut.
5) Ty Webb or Jeffrey Lebowski?
Caddy Shack is classic of course, but basic cable is ruining the #$%& out of it. I like the dude in The Big Lebowski, but I think bowling is schwag. I will have to go with golf on this one.
6) If you woke up tomorrow and the Packers ceased to exist and no one but you remembered them, how would you convince everyone they are the greatest organization in sports?

If no one knew the Packers existed, they would also not know that I wasn’t President of the World. So, before I addressed the Packers I would make sure world domination was intact first. After that, I could pretty much tell people whatever I wanted as the sovereign leader. I wouldn’t have to do much convincing, but I would leave out the whole Joe Johnson part, and probably omit Favre for the addition that included the lengthy career of Don Majkowksi.


7) Don Hutson basically invented the receiver position, what's your favorite invention: the Cheesehead, the truck-bed tailgate, or the Green Bay Sweep?


For the record, I think Cheeseheads are lame as hell. Being from Wisconsin, whenever you go anywhere else all people do is identifying with that stupid orange foam atrocity. It’s a travesty. Who ever invented that S.O.B. should be tarred and feathered. Dumbass.
I’m not a big fan of the other two either. Best invention in my mind… the Packer Potato Head.


Wow, Alex, I don't know what I expected, but I have to admit you far exceeded any subconscious expectations I may have had in regards to your responses to these questions. It's good to know you're out there sharing your views on the Packers.
RE: the 80's hair band relation to the Packers, if you want to talk sometime about 80's hair bands, I would be more than willing to relate them to anything.

SPEWS Is No Laughing Matter

For two weeks last summer, the library I was working at did not have the use of their air conditioning system due to some remodeling that was being done. As a book restorer, it is important that I actually repair books rather than worsen their condition. This immediately proved to be impossible as the temperature in the building was pushing the high 90’s and my hands were sweating all over the books I was working on. Moisture in any form is the arch-enemy of books…unless of course you’re writing them, in which case booze can be your greatest ally (same with Rants). I tried using paper towels, beach towels I brought from home, sweat bands, and Robert even suggested I put some Old Spice High Endurance on my hands. Needless to say none of this worked, and as a last resort I went to see a doctor to see if there was anything I could do. The doctor informed me I had SPEWS, Sweaty Palms and Excessive Wetness Syndrome, and that there is really nothing I could do.

Flash forward to this summer. By all accounts, Brian Brohm’s improvement from last season has been less than significant, and he is attributing it to having sweaty palms. To combat this, he is wearing gloves. I’m no persperologist, but I can say that his symptoms of overly sweaty hands sounds a lot like a case of SPEWS, and no glove, not even this magical one, is going to stop it. As a fellow sufferer of SPEWS I can fully relate to what Brian Brohm is going through. Society looks down their dry noses at people with sweaty palms, always considering them to be feeling guilty of something or feeling overly nervous. This is far from the truth, as I am in fact ridiculously confident in myself, and I think Brohm is too. Just read his comments after a less than stellar performance against the Browns. This guy is not nervous and doesn’t feel guilty for throwing two picks (they really weren't his fault anyway). The only thing he is guilty of is being born with three times the number of normal sweat glands on his hands, shame on you all for criticizing and making fun of a man’s medical condition.

I’m glad I could help shed some light on Brohm’s predicament and open the eyes of Packers’ fans. Support is the best way of overcoming SPEWS…that, and a waist band towel and wrist bands made of ShamWows! Seriously. It worked for me. Replace after each quarter, Brian, and you should fine…I just don't know if the glove will work against SPEWS. Best of luck.

Raji Chooses Bay View

“Gassers and striders, laps, technique things” – BJ Raji reportedly had been working out by himself for weeks at Bay View Middle School in beautiful Howard, Wisconsin. It’s good to know that the big man was staying on top of his game during the contract negotiations. It’s also interesting that of all the sweet schools in the greater Green Bay area, Raji picked Bay View Middle School. He’s BJ Raji, nose tackle for the Packers, he could have trained at any school. So why Bay View?

Turns out Bay View is fricken awesome, that’s why.

Guess how many schools receive the coveted National Blue Ribbon Award? Like, hardly any. Bay View has one. Guess how many schools have an Anti-Bullying Campaign? Bay View does. They’ve got a principal, teachers, library, summer school, handbook – the works. They actually occupy the building of a former high school, Bay Port High, simply because they rule. This place is so amazing they even have their own Pro Shop, just like the Packers. Wow.

It’s no surprise to this Ranter the school is even listed on Greatschools.net. I mean, come on, it has ‘great’ in the name! But if you’re like me, you’re still a little skeptical. After all, you could have a thousand National Blue Ribbon Awards but the students may think you deserve the National Cow Pie Award instead. Well, this 5/5 star review from an anonymous student swiftly puts an end to that argument.

“Bay Veiw is a great school. It focuses alt on students getting a good educatin and to not get bullied and to make a safe and well learning enviorment to all the students and parents and teachers”

Done. Sold. Bay View Middle School rules. My kids are going there. Yours should, too. Everyone’s should. I just hope the waiting list to get in isn’t as bad as Packer season tickets (but I would totally understand if it was).

Great choice, BJ. GREAT CHOICE.

This just in: NOOOOO!!!!! Their mascot is an eerily familiar and ugly Viking! WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?

AJ Hawkman - Get it?

Yes, superheroes are among things besides the Packers I am also obsessed with (Packers still are #1 mind you). By the end of the year, I hope to Photoshop the entire team into X-Men-like characters - maybe they'll even make a (better) movie out of these someday.

Because his last name is also an impressive animal, I choose AJ as the first (only took like a day). No, I won’t always just be relying on last names of players for inspiration. I will always try and capture the essence of the player. Like Mason Crosby, for instance, might be a robot sasquatch with a laser sight on his foot. Or Aaron Kampman might be a warrior monk, because he is currently an (online) student at Dallas Theological Seminary. I’m thinking Donald Driver will be an insane clown or a dentist, because he is always smiling.

Why do I do this? Because I don’t want to be delivering pizzas forever. I figure if I hone my skills now by the time the job opens up for that big ad agency, I’ll be primed to make a splash. But, whatever happens in life, it's good to know the Ranter is always there.

The Leg Cross

Are you sick and tired of traditional standing? Do you want to look great and be comfortable while observing people, places and things? Or, have you ever just wanted to keep urination at bay for extended periods of time?

Then try the Leg Cross! Founded by Packers GM Ted Thompson, the Leg Cross is a revolutionary way to achieve comfort and style while in the upright position. Forget standing – that started thousands of years ago by Neanderthals. 9 out of 10 people agree, it’s about time for something new.

No assembly required!! If you’re right-handed, chances are you’ll be right-legged too. Without moving your left foot, simply move your right foot over and plant it on the other side – the Leg Cross is that easy!

And the great thing about the Leg Cross is that you can accentuate the casual coolness of the look by either placing your hands in your pockets or behind your back (as shown). But NEVER cross your arms in front. As TT says, “The arm cross in front combined with the leg cross is a contradictory pose. You’re saying ‘I’m relaxed’ with your feet but declare ‘I’m uncomfortable’ with your arms. It’s like drafting a punter in the 3rd round – it just doesn’t make sense and I honestly feel bad anytime I see someone in that ludicrous pose. It’s not necessarily because they look stupid, it’s that they don’t even know any better.”

Take it from the Ranter – the Leg Cross will make you the envy of your peers. You’ll never go back to free standing again.

Stop Smiling, You're Not Happy!

It’s May 29th and as of right now, the Packers season apparently hinges on the happiness of one Aaron Allan Kampman. His refusal to share his feelings with the hordes has taken on a mythic tone. He’s unhappy, nervous, uneasy, scared, terrified, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, rewhlemed, and just plain whelmed. I can’t find anything to read other than speculation as to why he has continued his silence.

Obviously like you, I’m not sure why he doesn’t want to talk, could it be because the questions would be something along the lines of how Kramer visions marriage:“You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know, how about you, how was your day?” That sounds brutal, especially standing at your locker with 40 people lobbing those questions at you. Could it be because he doesn’t have a good enough feel for it yet? Could it be because he’s got about 20 other people answering for him anyway? Ted Thompson, Mike McCarthy, Kevin Greene, Aaron Rodgers…and the list goes on.

Adding fuel to the fire is this. People are worrying about Kampman’s happiness and somehow this would be solved by getting rid of him and adding a prima donna who is demanding to be traded from a team that has taken care of him for his entire career? I don’t grasp the thinking there. Having read CheeseheadTV for awhile, I realize that Aaron says a lot of things tongue-in-cheek, so maybe this is along those lines. Hopefully, it will be addressed in the CheeseheadTV/Packerslounge/Railbird Central/Tundravision - EXTRAVAGANZA tonight. (Hope I got everyone. Seriously, that is awesome. )

The thing that stood out to me in all of this “Aaron Kampman Emotional Well-Being Assessment” doesn’t even directly relate to AK. It came out of Greg Bedard’s notes from Thursday’s OTAs:

“Everybody was raving about the way CB Al Harris is adjusting to the new
scheme.”

WHAT?!? Al Harris was penciled in to be one of the defensive stars to be an immediate casualty of the 3-4 switch, how can he be doing this? He’s old. He’s strictly a bump-and-run cover corner. There is zero chance he can adjust to the zone required in a 3-4. You can choose to believe me or not, but I suspected that Harris would be okay, because it comes down to one simple fact: Al Harris is a good football player. Given time, he can learn to adjust his game and apply his talents to new things. (Apparently he didn’t need much time). Good football players and good athletes in general can change, adapt, and even improve…over time. Kampman is, as you know, a good football player, I'd put him at 2nd best on the defense behind Charles "Ravenswood"son. He needs a little time, and I’m sure this time will be his Zoloft. He will start talking to people again, smiling, and doing his patented one-armed fist pumps with more frequency than ever before. Until that time, I’m not going to worry about the perceived depths of his depression, and I don't think you should either....unless he doesn't talk today, then I'm really going to freak out.

Update: I swear I used the Seinfeld reference before I read this. Dang it.

Franklin Hillside Packer Bar

A wise man once said, "A man's home is his castle." Well, if that's true, then a man's Packer bar is his Bat Cave. With the economy in the tank, the library business is booming, no one wants to buy books, they just want to borrow them. Which means that by extension, the book repair business has been booming. I'm fine with this for two reasons 1) it allows me more time to sit in the library basement working and watching old Packer game tapes and 2) it has allowed me the opportunity to purchase a permanent residence. Unfortunately, it is not this place, (remember that house across from Lambeau Robert?) but it is still a decent home. Since this is my first home purchase, I qualify for the homebuyers' $8,000 tax credit. HI-YO!!! Now some people would use that money to redo the kitchen or bathroom, or put on a new roof, go on vacation or even just save it for a rainy day, but not me. All in good time. I'm taking all $8,000 and putting in a Packer bar in my basement. Since I live in Minnesota, this will be my refuge from the Purple and Gold.

Now for those other homebuyers out there, or even those of you just interested in putting in a Packer bar, I have put together the essentials needed to make it a shrine to Sunday afternoons. It even falls right into the $8,000 budget. For those of you who already have Packer bars, let me know what I've left out that you have found essential. I wish it was September.

If you are going to have a true Packer bar, it starts from the ground up. What's on the ground? Carpet. Pick up a roll @ $4.39/square ft. If it's good enough for the Pro Shop, isn't it good enough for you? I'm going with the 12X14 ft. roll for $778.08.

Next, you"ll need bar stools. I'm getting 4 of these bad boys from the Pro Shop. $139.95 each for a total of $559.80. Plop down on these and you'll want the game to go into multiple overtimes.

Obviously, you need a bar. I'm going with this oak beast, and I love the foot rail too. Not Packer specific, but that will change...It runs $1,599.oo

Everybody needs to see their Leinie's, New Glarus, Lite, or Old Mo'. Not much classier than these Mission-style bar lamps. I'm ordering three at $134.95 for a total of $404.85 of beer-viewing goodness.

In addition to the stools, you'll need somewhere to pass out...or have guests sit. To each his own. I'm going with this cushy sofa and this leather recliner.

The sofa is $699.95 and the recliner is $995.95 for a total of $1695.90.

A good Packer bar needs some legendary images on the

wall. #1 on my list is this framed Ice Bowl Sneak print for $165. I also added two more framed prints of Lombardi to complete the set. $165 each for a total of $495.

A Fathead? Why not? Classic "G". Enough said. $89.

You have to drink out of something right? I love these Lambeau Field pint glasses. I'm going with 10 @ $9.95 for a total of $99.50. Toss in 6 martini glasses for $65.70 and 6 wine glasses for $59.70. Total: $224.90

Gotta keep the hunger at bay, have some chips and dip from this tray for only $14.95. For the healthy eater, here's a veggie tray for $45.95. Got 'em both for $60.90.

Wow, took me awhile to notice this. What better place to spill your drinks cheering for another Rodgers to Driver TD than this helmet coffee table? A steal for $549.95.

If you've been keeping track, you'll notice I (or you) have $1542.62 left of my tax credit. Not anymore. 50" of Packer viewing pleasure for only $1,499.

$43.62 left over....Gone. Come on over, all are welcome.