Put Me At the Kids’ Table – I Don’t Care

Dear Green Bay Packers Representative,

Did you know that recent studies have indicated that it’s almost impossible to coordinate schedules of more than 20 working professionals at a time? Pretty sad state of affairs these days, eh? And while an impactful reminder of the modern proliferation of sometimes fruitless commitments and meetings, this scientific data harkens to a more relevant topic: your trip to the White House this Friday.

With a contingent of over 100 players and personnel in the Packers organization scheduled to attend, it’s reasonable to expect that several people simply won’t be able to make it. This could make for quite the awkward situation with the president wouldn’t you say? I mean, can you imagine the leader of the free world up at the podium, riffing on the Packers/Bears rivalry and then suddenly seeing empty seats in the audience!? Talk about traumarama!

To help you prepare and cover yourselves, I would like to propose a solution: ME. That is, consider my hat thrown into the proverbial ring of substitute attendees. As a lifelong Packer fan, I will gladly serve the organization by assuming one of the empty seats and help you avoid embarrassment.

I can send pics and a resume, but take my word that I would fit in. Physically, I’m no Don Driver, but I am no suburban slouch, either. I can run a mile in under 8 minutes, do 30 pushups (probably) and have been complimented on more than one occasion on my calf definition. In other words, you’ll probably want to put me with special teams. If that doesn’t work, just say I’m an equipment intern. Heck, put me at the kids table – I don’t care. I’ll even bring my own chair and bust out my tuxedo.

In addition, here is a short list of other worthy substitutes, all of whom I have researched thoroughly and possess the qualities being a team player, obedience and major Packer pride you are looking for while being represented at our nation's capitol.

Franklin Hillside. Not only is he Editor in Cheese, his knowledge of vintage Green Bay restaurant uniforms can carry a conversation until the sun comes up over Pennsylvania Avenue.

Alex Tallitsch. Sure he’s ornery and stubborn, but he’s only of only two people who knows what it feels like to wear Tom Crabtree’s Super Bowl ring.

Tracy White. Let’s be honest – he was the best player in the history of special teams. We could all finally be at peace with Ted Thompson’s most egregious mistake by inviting this incredible super-man for a nice meal.

Please confirm my attendance by Thursday night as I would have to withdraw from Anduzzi’s deep-fried butter eating competition and get a dog sitter.

Your loyal servant,

Robert Greenfield

Bush Bash Has Been Cancelled. NO REFUNDS.

People love to bash.

I don’t like cauliflower. I think it’s evil in its eerie paleness. Cauliflower stinks to high heaven when it’s cooked, just more proof of its massive suckage. Cauliflower is the only food that by adding cheese to it is unimproved. That is no small feat because everyone knows cheese makes everything better. EVERYTHING. Cauliflower should never be placed on a plate for human consumption…unless for some reason you find that you have a living room full of Bears fans. Important tip: If you cook it, the smell should drive them away, or you could also make the jackwagons eat it until they finally give in and finally admit that The Bears Remain an Inferior American Football Squad. I wouldn’t even feed it to a rabbit if I had the misfortune of owning one of those floppy-eared freaks of nature. Seriously, rabbits are weird.

See what I did there? I bashed three things in the span of 142 words. Nice, huh? How about this one: cauliflower, the Bears, and rabbits all suck. That was only 7 words if you’re into the whole brevity thing.

Bashing. It happens. You know who Packer fans loved to bash? Jarrett Bush. You know who they can’t bash anymore? Jarrett Bush. This season it’s like someone added cheese to Jarrett Bush, and then they decided to throw in some extra gorgonzola for good measure. Read Rob Reischel’s piece on Bush if you don’t believe me. (By the way, I promise I started writing this Rant before I read that, the reason will be obvious shortly, but he proves my point with stats, and people use to stats to prove everything. 86% of people know that.)

The reason I started writing this was every blogger’s dream…the “I-Told-You-So” post, and guess who gets to do it? This guy. Okay, okay, okay…so I wasn’t exactly spot on, as Bush is not quite the dimeback the Packers are looking for, and maybe I abandoned the Bandwagon on the side of Highway 29 for awhile in the offseason....but I was the first to the start the Bandwagon, and it's been dragged out the woods and tuned up. And the whole dimeback thing, yeah, he did give up a TD in coverage against the Eagles, but Bush is on the team to be a Special Teamer, and he has turned into a damn good one. Has he reached mythical Tracy White status? Of course not, you insolent fools, no one reaches that pinnacle until Tracy White bestows you with the rank of Special Teams Demi-God (As there is only one God), but the stats and praise from Reischel’s piece are impressive.

Man, I do love it when a plan comes together….and a bandwagon starts getting filled up.

Wait....no one is on here with me yet?!?! COME. ON. Okay fine, people, when Jarrett Bush causes an Eric Weems’ fumble tomorrow, you’re all welcome to jump on. Please remember to keep your hands and feet inside at all times.

There’s no cauliflower on the bandwagon, I promise.

The Fall Guy(s)

Following the purge of the Packers defensive coaching staff, special teams coach, and strength coach, a purge that resembled a college freshman’s first introduction to keg stands, Mike McCarthy has been on the lookout for a new Defensive Coordinator. Presumably, this new coordinator will be expected to put a slightly higher amount of pressure on opposing QBs, than outgoing coordinator, Bob Sanders. McCarthy and Ted Thompson have made Sanders and Mike Stock the fall guys for the Packers embarrassing drop from NFL elite to a team to a team with a top ten draft pick.

Being a Fall Guy isn’t easy, the daily grind of being a movie stuntman, a job where the only acknowledgement you get is in the closing credits of movie, followed by moonlighting as a bounty hunter takes its toll. Your bones creak, your face looks like a tenderized piece of beef, your defensive line consistently fails at bringing any type of pressure, you wreck your cars over and over, your linebacking corps is constantly out of position and pushed around, your punter couldn't have beat the 12-13 year olds in the Punt, Pass, and Kick competition, and you used to be the Six Million Dollar Man. This stuff is not easy to deal with. It eats at you.

I may have muddled that up a bit but you get my drift. Do I think it was the right move to let Sanders, Stock, and the other go? Absolutely. But behind every Fall Guy, there should be a more thorough examination of what led to their termination. In the case of Mike Stock and Bob Sanders, you need only look to this man. Now admittedly, Matt Mosley clowns on White a bit (I’m sure he was corrected by people with knowledge of Tracy White’s career and life accomplishments Update: He was suspended for a week by ESPN for this transgression and forced to watch clips of Tracy White’s play), but the quote says it all. Thanks, Jarrett Bush for effing that play up. When the greatest special teams player in the history of football is released mid-season, you know the Special Teams coach is sure to follow once the unit’s production suffers accordingly. Following his forced retirement, Stock had this to say about White, “He was kind of a quiet leader, because he’d take guys into the video room and sit and talk and discuss the various different aspects of the Big Four, if you will, of the return aspects and the coverage aspects of the game with the young guys.”

White’s release also lead to the termination of Sanders as well. Once Nick Barnett got hurt, Tracy White filled in admirably for him on defense….oh wait, that is what should have happened. Oh well, bye-bye, Bob Sanders.

Let’s hope in the future that Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy are better judges of talent AND leadership AND world-dominating play, or at least listen to the new coaches’ opinions on the matter. After all, what’s the point of hiring them if you cut their legs out mid-season?

Tracy White fact of the Day: Tracy White is the reason the Eagles are in the NFC Championship Game.