Summer Rubber Had Me a Blast

Some things are not easy to admit.

Like the time I soiled my pants very badly in junior high after eating a moldy bologna sammy on a triple-dog-dare.

Or the day my mom walked in on me kissing a mirror when I was seven (it was practice for the big game someday hopefully with Greta Heinemann).

However, the summer when I was five became more than just an embarrassing moment, it was a season of shame. You see, I had these reoccurring dreams – night terrors, really – of Darth Vader chasing me up the stairs. I would try and climb as fast as I could, but the stairs turned into quicksand and I got stuck. Right before D.V. would grab me, I would wake up. And the bed would be wet.

This happened 2-3x/week, my mom tells me, for a good month before my parents did something about it. No, they didn’t get me a therapist or apologize for letting me watch Star Wars too young, they got me a twin-size rubber sheet… with a giant Packers “G” logo on it.

You see, my parents knew the one thing in my life that I would never try and harm in any way would my turtle Mortimer or the Packers. They must’ve been out of the ocean-themed rubber sheets so they got the Packers ones instead. And I’ll tell you, they worked like a charm. No, they didn’t stop the Vader dreams right away but after we started using the rubber sheets, I would only wake up screaming… the bed was dry!

My nighttime confidence grew so much that one night I gave Vader a swift kick to the helmet and he stopped chasing me. It was the last Star Wars nightmare I would ever have until the real-life nightmare that was Jar Jar Binks.

Out of curiosity, I emailed my mom to ask where they bought the Packer rubber sheet. Apparently, it wasn’t a sheet at all – it was an all-weather XL grill cover that they cut up and bungee-corded to the bed. Well played!

Quickie Makes the Team... and my Heart

In only my 2nd Rant ever, I declared Donald Driver my favorite player on the Packers. This has not changed one bit – in fact, with his recent achievement as the Packers all-time receptions leader, I like him even more than ever right now. I can’t decide whether he is the Ron Popeil or Carrot Top of the NFL. Just when you think his career might be done, he blows your mind with another amazing performance.

Another reason I’m such a big fan is that The Dip Nipper also dabbles in doodling. Driver wrote two books. I fingered through the first, “Quickie Makes the Team” last time I was at Barnes & Nobles picking up my reserved copy of Star Wars: Lost Tribe of the Sith. (Both books are sweet – don’t make me choose a favorite.)

The story was drawn from the Don’s real-life childhood experiences as a small but speedy youngster who wants to try out for the football squadron despite his parents’ concerns he’ll get hurt. The cool thing is that all the proceeds benefit the Donald Driver Foundation. The really cool thing is that we learn Driver was actually called “Quickie” growing up. I will have to add this to this list of nicknames I have given him over the last decade. These include, but are not limited to: Double Dipper, The Dip Nipper, The Don, Bald Bull, The Mad Dasher, Awesome McCool, Sticky Fingers, Moonshine and of course, Mister Shimmy Pants.

Here’s to another ten years of #80 in Green Bay.