We Got a Phone. 'Cause We Got a Blog.

“These guys are NFL bloggers!” said Jim, introducing us to his group of friends we had never met before. At this point, Franklin and I just look at each other as in “Did he just…? F#ck.”

I can’t speak for other “bloggers,” but although the Ranter is part of our lives, it’s not something we identify ourselves with – certainly not primarily (lest we would’ve attended TBWII – ah, sweet regrets). In fact, we rarely talk about the Ranter – even with each other (think a weekly “Hey, you Ranting this week?” or “Nice Rant.” or “I can’t think of anything to Rant about. Any ideas?”)

After a couple seconds of uncomfortable silence while this registered, someone asked, “What team do you blog about?”

“The Packers!” said Jim the Helpful. Smirks all around. Franklin and I are silent. We’ve been through this before. That is, having to defend our site against all the stereotypes and implications that come with the label of “blogger.” “So, you live in your parents’ basements?” is usually the underlying thought.

“I wouldn’t call it a blog. We do creative posts once in a while that are Packer-related. What are you guys drinking?” I asked, trying to propel the conversation elsewhere. But these people weren’t having it. They were too intrigued by the idea that two, dare I say “normal” guys “blogged” about the Packers.

“So you like, analyze the Packers?” A girl asked, causing us both to burst out laughing. “No. Not at all actually,” Franklin said. “Then what do you write about?” she asked. “I don’t know – the last one I did was substituting the lyrics of ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ by Billy Joel with names of the Packers players. Franklin just wrote about this dream he had. It’s like the Matrix - no one can be told what it is. You have to see it for yourself,” I responded.

Major confusion at this point, to which both Franklin and I could not have cared any less. We have no desire to sell the Ranter to anyone or even explain it properly for that matter. It is what it is and we have fun with it. We will, however, sometimes get very feisty if someone just can’t leave it alone. And that’s exactly what was about to happen as I looked over to see Sassypants McGee yucking it up.

This time, Jim did turn out to be helpful as he explained to them that we were deemed special enough for to be sponsored. “Yeah, show them your phones,” he insisted. This got them to shut up. “Alright, Jim, I will. See, the good folks at Verizon Wireless gave us these phones – the new Droid Razr Maxx – with unlimited plans. They just ask that we try them out and mention them once in a while. Hell, I’ll probably write about this next week. This could be a post.”

At this point, I felt the need to drive home how sweet these phones actually were/are. And the situation could not have been better. In about a two seconds, I was able to pull up the Packer Ranter (thank you, 4G LTE network!). “Here, pass it around, I’m gonna grab some beers,” I said. “Look at that screen!” I heard as I was walking away, feeling a little better about myself.

Franklin and I, NFL bloggers? That’s damn right.

Disclosure: I am participating in the Verizon Wireless Midwest Fans program and have been provided with a wireless device and five months of service in exchange for my honest opinions about the product.

Be Prepared For When You Hear "Go Pack!"

Outside the friendly confines of Wisconsin, the Packer fan’s natural habitat, it is less common to encounter a Packer fan, than say when one is roaming the streets of Appleton. (While less common, the Packer fan’s habitat still extends further than any other NFL fan’s, I have anecdotal evidence of this, but also quantitative data in the sheer number of Packer bars around the world, estimated to be at 15,000 and counting) Upon discovering a fellow Packer in the wild, the customary greeting is, “Go Pack.” Nothing more is needed, or expected. Both individuals can go happily and proudly on their merry ways, knowing there are kindred spirits wandering the wilderness outside of the Motherland.

I live as close to a Packer fan’s home territory as possible, and I encounter some every now and then in my day-to-day activities. While the greeting is common knowledge, the response and acknowledgement to said greeting is open to interpretation and creativity. I came to realize this when a woman rollerbladed by me the other day, and yelled, “Go Pack!”. She sped off like Greg Jennings before I could acknowledge her. I realized I was caught off guard, and I vowed to be prepared when I come across a Packer fan in the wild again. After serious brainstorming, well, actually it was more of a light drizzle than a storm, I’ve come up with some suggestions for you to use when responding to a heartfelt, "Go Pack!":

The Raji: Notice how when Raji makes a big play he extends his arms and flicks his fingers calling for love from the fans? This is an excellent way to respond when someone gives you a, “Go Pack!”

The Slow Nod: Calm, confident…toeing the line of arrogance. You’ll look smooth with this Go Pack response.

The Shooter McGavin: This is for the highly excitable Packer fan. Upon hearing, “Go Pack!” you draw your six-shooters and start firing away at everything in sight.

The Dual Flex: This is for the intense Packer fan, I can see Robert using this one after 15 Red Bulls and 6 brats…Lift up both arms, and simply flex your biceps…this can be accompanied by a guttural, “RAAAAWR” if one is so inclined.

The Belt: You know it, you love it (or hate it), you just strap on Rodgers’s Title Belt, and nothing else needs to be done.

The Matrix: When Neo is “beginning to believe” he does this fantastic swinging of his arms, stops, looks at Mr. Smith, and beckons him to bring it on. This Go Pack reaction is a favorite of sci-fi and kung fu fanatics.

The Undertaker: This is perfect for when you and a fellow Packer fan are surrounded by enemies. You hear a "Go Pack!" and slowly draw your thumb across your neck while glaring at your opposition. Intimidation factor: HIGH

Of course another perfectly acceptable response to a "Go Pack!" is to just look your fellow Packer fan in the eye, and scream "Go Pack!" right back at them. The preceding are all good options, but I'm going to let you behind the curtain and tell you what my go to response to a "Go Pack!" will be moving forward.

The Bender: Don't you forget about me! Pop in your sweet diamond earring, raise your fist in the air, and just walk away.

Got any other ideas? Leave them in the Comments.

Blue or Red?

When I was designing my own championship tracks on Excitebike and dominating the Breakers, Eagles, and Ox with the Boston Frogs on Double Dribble, I was pretty sure that video games had reached the pinnacle of their advancement. You couldn’t have convinced me otherwise. Years later, I played the single greatest video game ever: Wayne Gretzky 3D Hockey 98 for the Nintendo 64, and I was again convinced that video games couldn’t get any better. For the most part, I’ve been correct.

However, I have started watching Netflix movies on my Wii. Now, I know the Wii isn’t as cool as the PS3 or Xbox360, but I prefer this to this. Anyway, it’s not a video game advancement, so much as a console advancement, but I was supremely happy about it. I could browse through tons of movies and TV shows without moving from my couch. I may be late to the party, but that’s my M.O. for most things, and I am now, once again, convinced that video games are complete.

Technology advancement is indeed a blessing…but also a curse as I soon realized while watching a documentary through my Wii about how most humans are actually just serving as power sources for a race of machines. A small group of freedom fighters living under the earth’s surface are fighting the machines both in the real world, and in a computer program created to simulate the earth as it existed in the later portion of the 20th Century. Heavy stuff, but apparently, I can’t tell you about this, as you have to see it for yourself.

What? You’re kidding me. The Matrix isn’t a documentary? So, I have to go work on Monday, and can’t just play vids? Sigh…okay.

Watching The Matrix again, a small part stood out, and it related to the Packers, specifically BJ Raji. You know the part where Neo receives his initial training and says, “I know kung fu”? Morpheus then enters The Construct, and Neo proves he can beat him, and then the The Jump Training is loaded which is designed to “free your mind”. Whoa.

Then little exchange occurs:

Mouse: “So, what if he makes it?”

Apoc: “No one ever makes their first jump.”

Mouse: “I know, I know. But what if he does?”

Apoc: “He won't.”

Neo faceplants.

Mouse: “Wha...what does that mean?”

Switch: “It doesn't mean anything.”

Cypher: “Everybody falls the first time. Right, Trin?”

So back to Raji...I’ve heard some complaints about BJ Raji after last season. How he didn’t contribute like a 9th overall pick should. How he didn’t have 20 sacks, 12 batted balls, and 70 tackles while demanding triple teams like everyone was promised. Will Raji bust? Will he not be the beast everyone expected? What does this mean?

It doesn’t mean anything. Everybody falls. The fact that he saw the field in his first year after injuries, holdouts, etc. and showed flashes of dominance late in the season is an encouraging sign. The only thing that can happen is he gets better, so keep the faith.

After all, even The One fell his first time.

Tracy White Fact of the Day: Tracy White knows there is no spoon…but he eats with it anyway.

Rob Davis is Morpheus?

"You honor our family with your prescence, Mr. Harrell, you may call me Mr. Xiong. You are a brave warrior, yet something is amiss with in your body... am I correct in assuming this?"

"Umm...yeah. I don't know why I am here really, I should probably go, this is stupid."

"Before you go, let me ask you something. Do you believe that there are alternatives to Western medicine, alternatives that may help your overcome your affliction, so you may return to the field of battle"

"Not really, I've had two surgeries by some of the best doctors in the country. I'm not really into all that Asian stuff, the only Chinese I know is General Tso (side note: General Tso is a bloodthirsty foe, but his chicken is delectable) ... the only reason I came is because Rob Davis said I should try it."

"Ahhh, Mr. Davis, yes. Mr. Davis is a very wise man, and he was also a brave warrior like yourself. Mr. Davis come to us with many injuries, and injuries that we helped him overcome to prolong his days of battle."

"Umm....yeah, that's what he told me. He said go to the end of the street, walk down the path, and stop at the green door and knock twice. Why are you at the end of this path and not in hosptial or clinic...or even a strip mall?"

"It is an important part of the healing process to separate youself from the daily routines you involve yourself in, the mind becomes clear and the body is allowed to relax. Now, please, lay down on this table, so I may begin. I will start by inserting several needles into your back along your meridians, this should begin to relieve your pain."

"Rob Davis really did this? Why didn't team doctors or trainers tell me about this?"

"Ahhh, yes, Dr. McKenzie...Mr. McKenzie is a brilliant surgeon, but he is arrogant and does not believe that alternative cures or treatments can be found. He only wants to cut, cut, cut. I simply seek to heal and relieve pain."

{poke, stab, stick}

"How do you feel, Mr. Harrell?"

"I haven't felt this good in three years! My pain is gone, and I feel stronger. I feel ready to dominate."

"You should seek to contirbute first, the domination may follow. It is not wise to be hasty." (Mr Xiong really said this, I promise. I'm not editorializing at all. I swear.)

"What?"

"Nevermind, nevermind, do not listen to an old man who is not familiar with your style of battle. battle with plastic armor.....ahem, {cough}."

If we’ve learned anything from this exchange between a mysterious Green Bay acupuncturist and Harrell, as well from The Matrix, tried and true Eastern methods work best when battling modern medicine’s shortcomings, as well as human-harvesting machines. “I know kung fu.” Yes, Neo, we know.

Now, 2nd-year man, Pat Lee, has back spasms.

“Sure, Pat, go to the end of the street, walk down the path, and stop at the green door and knock twice…”

Thanks, Brian.

Update: Of course, NOW I read this. The machines have won. Zion is no more. {sigh}