Packer Draft Grades Are In – And the Zang Meh Doh Says…

I have gone through and scored each pick via the revolutionary patent- and trademark-pending Zang Meh Doh Draft Domination Evaluation Tool we unveiled earlier this month. As with any scientific study, the results and methods must be analyzed to determine validity. Therefore, I holed up in my GOIBER until today...

Before I get to the grades, I must admit I found a significant yet easily fixable flaw in the Zang Meh Doh system that yielded results not commensurable with the selection’s value. Without getting too technical, my baseline was off. If a pick is exactly in line with your pre-draft ranking, as was the case of David Bakhtiari’s positional valuation, the score should be 0 (neither positive nor negative). By subtracting 100 from the previous final score, this outcome was resolved and also provided appropriate scores to the draft selection’s values - whether proportionally positive or negative. Here are the two revised scoring formulas to play along at home. I will also walk you through each pick’s score as well.

As a reminder that a true ZANG! (excellent) value pick is only achieved when the value of the player exceeds both the overall and positional categories. By comparison, a DOH! (fail) results when both overall and positional values are subpar.

Last point. Since I have not yet been granted access to the Packers draft board (call me, guys, this is important), I had to use someone else’s. I found that an NFL Draft Prospect ranking at CBSSports.com that provided me exactly with was I needed – the overall ranking and the positional ranking. I therefore used their rankings in the Zang Meh Doh. Follow this link for those rankings I mentioned.

Ok, Packer fans, Let’s see how ol’ TT did.

RD 1. Datone Jones, DE, taken as the 26^th overall and the 4^th at his position. Jones was pre-ranked as the 27^th overall and the 3^rd at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 29, Meh.

RD 2. Eddie Lacy, RB, taken as the 61^st overall and the 4^th at his position. Lacy was pre-ranked as the 36^th overall and the 1^st at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 369, Zang!

RD 4. David Bakhtiari, OT, taken as the 109^th overall and the 8^th at his position. Bakhtiari was pre-ranked as the 76^th overall and the 8^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 43, Zang!

RD 4. J.C. Tretter, OG, taken as the 122^nd overall and the 9^th at his position. Tretter was pre-ranked as the 189^th overall and the 10^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -45, Doh!

RD 4. Jonathan Franklin, RB, taken as the 125^th overall and the 6^th at his position. Franklin was pre-ranked as the 51^st overall and 2^nd at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of 345, Zang!

RD 5. Micah Hyde, CB, taken as the 159^th overall and the 22^nd at his position. Hyde was pre-ranked as the 205^th overall and the 25^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -35, Doh!

RD 5. Josh Boyd, DT, taken as the 167^th overall and 13^th at his position. Boyd was pre-ranked the 171^st overall and the 15^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -15, Doh!

RD 6. Nathan Palmer, OLB, taken as the 193^rd overall and the 14^th at his position. Palmer was pre-ranked the 593^rd overall and the 51^st at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -140, Doh!

RD 7. Charles Johnson, WR, taken as the 216^th overall and the 24^th at his position. Johnson was pre-ranked the 230^th overall and the 28^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -20, Doh!

RD 7. Kevin Dorsey, WR, taken as the 224^th overall and the 25^th at his position. Dorsey was pre-ranked the 416^th overall and the 47^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -93, Doh!

RD 7. Samuel Barrington, OLB, taken as the 233^rd overall and the 16 at his position. Barrington was pre-ranked the 319^th overall and the 14^th at his position. Final Zang Meh Doh Value of -13, Meh.

Final Score: 3 ZANGS! 2 MEHs. 6 DOHs! From the Packers' top Zang to lowest Meh draft values, the results are: 

1. Eddie Lacy (369)
2. Johnathan Franklin (345)
3. David Bakhtiari (43)
4. Datone Jones (29)
5. Samuel Barrington (-13)
6. Josh Boyd (-15)
7. Charles Johnson (-20)
8. Micah Hyde (-35)
9. J.C. Tretter (-45)
10. Kevin Dorsey (-93)
11. Nathan Palmer (-140).

Analysis: It’d be way too easy to get down on the 2^nd half of the draft with all those DOHs taken on the 3^rd day, but let’s be honest, rounds 5-7 are pretty much a shot in the dark. If you get one guy that works out, great. Clearly, Packers don’t mind taking a few extra “swings” with those later picks.

On the positive side – and there’s a LOT that I see – we essentially nailed 4 out of our top 5 picks and hit value HOME RUNS with Lacy and Franklin. It is really hard to find exceptional value in the first round, so to grab Datone Jones there will decent value and to fill a need is about a good as one could hope for. Moreover, to score so highly with your top picks/talent pool is absolutely huge and for that reason, I’ll have to concur with the general feeling of a B+ draft. However, if you’re like me, you needed to see the breakdown to be sure.

Now, please keep in mind these value rankings coincide with for the CBS draft board. In order to get Green Bay's detailed value assessment, I would need their draft board. And I would also need a computer science undergrad who would enter all 500+ draft prospects into a custom program he/she would create for a passionate letter of recommendation and a free cup at the 2013 Ranter holiday party. 

Ted, if the draft is all about value, I'd say you were Zang this draft, especially toward the early picks that matter. As far as day three of the draft, I'll have to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Disclaimer: The Zang Meh Doh Ultimate Draft Evaluation Domination Tool for the Modern General Manager is patent- and trademark-pending and proprietary to the website PackerRanter.com. All media inquiries should be directed to packerranter at yahoo.com. Thank you for your cooperation.

To ALL Ranter Staff – Please Read NOW – Packers Draft Party

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f#cking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this staff, we have been F#CKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with the Bikini Girls. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f#cking AWKWARD and so f#cking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Robert, I've been having so much fun with the other interns this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to f#cking find you and to do it myself.

I do not give a flying f#ck, and the Bikini Girls do not give a flying f#ck, about how much you f#cking love to nerd out with each other over draft prospects. You have 361 days out of the f#cking year to talk to each other, and this week is NOT, I f#cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about socializing with the Bikini Girls while welcoming new talent to the Green Bay Packers, and that's not f#cking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not about our Ranter party. Newsflash you stupid c#cks: THE BIKINI GIRLS DON'T LIKE BORING BLOGGERS. Oh wait, DOUBLE F#CKING NEWSFLASH: THE BIKINI GIRLS ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F#CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F#CKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little sh#ts that have talked openly about post partying at a different Packers draft party IN FRONT OF THE BIKINI GIRLS. Are you people f#cking stupid? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If the Bikini Girls openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Cheesehead TV over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE F#CK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be going to another Packers draft party, I don't give a F#CK if Brian Carriveau is going to be there. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f#cking NOT convince other Ranter staff to leave with you.

"But Robert!", you say in a whiny little b#tch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our team all year, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID F#CKING #SS HATS, IT F#CKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F#CKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN F#CKING UP AT SOBER F#CKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being f#cking WEIRD at games (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's a 2-point conversion?" is not f#cking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F#cking. Team. ARE YOU F#CKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SH#T about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR G#DDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO LAMBEAU? ARE YOU F#CKING BLIND? Or are you just so f#cking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Packers is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE F#CKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY THE F#CKING BIKINI GIRLS. I will f#cking junk punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a f#ck if you SOR me, I WILL F#CKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Robert, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little @sswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird sh#t that does weird sh#t during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO THE DRAFT PARTY.

I'm not f#cking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS BLOG. I would rather have 4 unpaid employees that are fun, talk to girls, and not f#cking awkward than 8 that are f#cking losers. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to girls I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't f#cking show up unless you're going to stop being a damn c#ck block for our blog. Seriously. I swear if I see anyone being a damn b#ner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a f#ck. Go f#ck yourself.

Zang Meh Doh – The Ultimate Draft Evaluation Domination Tool for the Modern General Manager

Ted Thompson, Doug Melvin, professional and fantasy General Managers alike, pay attention, because I have created a simple yet highly effective tool to help you not just succeed – but dominate – your drafts year in and year out.

It is called the “Zang Meh Doh” and it can work for you.

Zang meaning “excellent.”

Meh meaning “OK.”

Doh meaning “fail.”

Do not be fooled by its simple nature! When wielded properly, it’s extremely powerful and effective (that’s what she said).

Here’s how it works. Every potential draft pick is rated using a combination of two numbers formulated by your pre-draft rankings. The first number will be your Overall Valuation (OV) of the draft prospect, and second will be his Positional Valuation (PV).

To determine the Overall Valuation (OV), take your current pick, divide by the overall rank you have the player listed and then multiply by 100. Positional Valuation is done similarly. Take the number of players at his position already off the board, divide that number by you pre-draft positional ranking, and multiply by 100. Anything over 100 is considered positive (+) and under 100 is considered negative (-). The sum of these two numbers is your final Zang Meh Doh.

For the sake of argument, we’ll use former Badgers’ running back Montee Ball’s rankings from the wonderfully extensive and incredibly affordable Cheesehead TV Draft Guide. There, Ball is listed as the 71^st overall prospect and the 4^th-rated Running Back. In this example, let’s pretend Ball is still available for the Packers at the 88^th pick but only 2 Running Backs have been selected.

The Zang Meh Doh would give you a positive outcome for the OV of +124. (88/71 x 100), but a negative outcome for the PV of -50 (2/4 x 100) – again, anything lower than 100 is negative. Let’s enter those numbers in the chart and see the final grade.

As you can see, it would be a good score in the OV, meaning good value for the pick, but this is offset by the negative PV, indicating a possible reach at the position. In other words, very Meh at 74. You probably want to look elsewhere for some clear Zangs or some more-convincing Mehs.

BUT, let’s say there were 5 Running Backs off the board and Ball was still there with the 88^th pick. Re-entering those numbers still gives us an OV of +124 but now we can add on a positive PV of 125 (5/4 x 100). According to the chart, it’s a nice ZANG pick at 249.

Kind reader or professional draft strategist, it truly is that easy. I’ve drafted over 100 times in fantasy sports of kinds. I was the guy who first had the color-coded draft board and or that brave innovator to only bring the single-sided 8.5 x 11 one-sheet and pen to the draft. That’s because come draft time, it’s all about evaluation simplification. Since you’ve already done the pre-draft homework, the Zang Meh Doh is the ONE tool you need come draft time.

Ted, if you want me to act as an advisor for the draft, I am more than willing but please email me ASAP as I would need to find a replacement for my weekend bowling league. I believe we can make this year’s Packer draft a true Zang-Bang instead of a Meh-Fest or worst of all, a disgusting Doh-Show.

Notable ZANGs of the past include Aaron Rodgers at +2500, and at +14,950, Donald Driver is the biggest ZANG in Packers draft history. I don’t generally don’t like to rip on individual players, but let’s just say the Vikings and the Raiders have a lot had a lot of Doh-Shows in their draft histories, respectively.

Guest Rant: Everything I Know About Football from Someone Who Knows Absolutely Nothing About Football

I recently discovered my coworker – the lovely Cecilia Tomahawk – knew almost nothing about Packers or the NFL despite having lived in Wisconsin her entire life. At first, I thought she was joking but after a few simple questions, it was quite clear her personal Packerpedia was remarkably limited. You could fill the internets three times over with the amount of football knowledge Ms. Tomahawk doesn’t know, so instead, I asked her to tell me exactly what she knows – or thinks she knows – about the sport. Here is what she said.

Everything I Know About Football from Someone Who Knows Absolutely Nothing About Football

By Cecilia Tomahawk

·         Football players’ uniforms include some intensely tight pants. They’re super tight and look flipping uncomfortable.

·         During a football game, which team players are on is indicated by the color of the stripe down the side of their intensely tight pants.

·         Televised football games are things that occur between installments of me watching Amy Poehler and Alec Baldwin in commercials.

·         When football games are televised in bars or restaurants, I’ve noticed that there is a direct correlation between the local team playing well and the number of free shots I receive. The general mood of the crowd seems to be affected directly by this as well.

·         When family and friends gather to watch football games my older female relatives are perpetually in search of some heroic romantic figure who goes by the name Donald Driver – although, wait a minute, is he around anymore? I think he left.

·         “Fantasy Football” is a misleading term, if you ask me. It leads a person to believe that the activity so named will be fantastical, intriguing or exotic in nature. It does not imply that people will systematically form fictional teams in their minds and then proceed to lose money in fantasy football leagues.

·         There are things called brackets that people set up so they can track which teams are winning and losing at various points in the season. This is actually not the first type of brackets I was familiar with, however. In college a large group of my friends would play a game that we called Brackets. It was highly entertaining because we would pit random things against each other like Peanut Butter vs. Jelly, or Batman vs. Oprah, or Battleship vs. Connect Four. And I enjoyed it because we conducted lengthy, passionate debates that ended in clear winners and losers with the winning items moving up in the tournament.

·         I love the Puppy Bowl on Super Bowl Sunday, but I don’t like to admit it because there’s nothing more clichéd or stereotypical than a girl yelling, “Oooh! Puppies! They’re so adorable!” in the middle of a football game.

·         This March, my best friend picked her teams for her office bracket using the construct of whose team mascot would win in a fight. I think this is genius. Though now upon second thought, that applied to college basketball and not professional football. I still think it’s a good idea, but do NFL teams have mascots? I honestly don’t have a clue.

·         Clay Matthews’ hair is too long. Some of the ladies definitely disagree with me on this, I know. But it’s not a good look, man. You need to cut your hair.

A Message to Greg and Tom

We would like to wish Greg Jennings and Tom Crabtree all the best on the newest journeys in their respective careers. (Well, we wish them the best when they are not playing the Packers). Greg and Tom are two classy guys who fully represented what it means to be Green Bay Packers. They were great to the fans and they were great on the field.

85 and 83, you will be missed...

...Dang...I'm gettin' all choked up....I'll just let Michael, Nate, Shawn, and Wanya take it from here.

Go Pack.

Doomsday Preppers: When the Brats Run Dry

Lenny Vanden Heuvel is a lifelong Packers fan that just happens to live in Green Bay, Wisconsin. If there’s one thing Vanden Heuvel understands, it’s the concept of supply and demand. Every morning at 5am, Vanden Heuvel arrives at storied ACME Packing Company’s distribution center to load his truck full of meats to be delivered to grocery stores in the greater Brown County area.

“Guys like me keep things orderly and normal for everyone else. The general public are sheep, but these people will turn into wolves when they can’t get their Johnsonvilles. I’m here to make sure they do,” he says.

Vanden Heuvel is referring to what he believes will be a meat disaster of epic proportions.

“I’m preparing for a violent worldwide strain of super flu mad cow pig disease.”

Such an event, Vanden Heuvel claims, would lead to a complete stoppage of all beef and pork supplies to the U.S., causing what he believes will be “brat depression and tailgate chaos at Lambeau.”

“Sure you’d have still chicken, but for tailgating here, brats are – and always will be – king. You ever been to a Packer tailgate without brats? No, you haven’t because it doesn’t exist. Right now…”

In preparation of such an event, Vanden Heuvel has been methodically stockpiling meats in a secret location. He offered to take me to his meat bunker on one condition: he blindfolds me for the trip.

“The secrecy of this location is my most valuable commodity. Don’t worry, I ain’t weird,” he assures me via email. I accept the offer and we meet at a park and ride in De Pere, where Vanden Heuvel is waiting in a non-descript black SUV save for an “I Miss Vince” bumper sticker. For the next hour, we drive through highways and onto several rough roads while listening to classic rock. Vanden Heuvel is a big fan of Meatloaf, I learn, if you consider that classic rock.

When he takes my blindfold off, Vanden Heuvel tells me to be quiet and silence my electronic devices during the walk. As it turns out, the secret meat bunker is still another five hundred yards away through dense woods. Vanden Heuvel instructs me which areas to step on and which to avoid, as to not leave a trackable pattern.

Thirty minutes later, we reach the premises – a small trailer home covered in camouflage netting. He unlocks the door and there’s nothing inside that would suggest anything out of the ordinary. That is, until he pushes away the couch and rug to reveal a trap door.

“Down here’s where I keep everything. I’ve been working on this for twenty years,” he says.

We walk down an entire flight of stairs that lead to a 30,000 square-foot open room filled with hundreds boxes of meat. “Right before the economy took a dump – thanks Obama – I spent half my savings and hired a crew to finish the place. Best decision of my life.”

Vanden Heuvel states that the underground nature of the room lends itself to cooler temperatures but he has installed a climate control system as well. “Right now, in February, it doesn’t even need to run. But even in summer, it’ll only run if it pushes ninety. Did you know that frozen or semi-frozen brats have a shelf life of twenty years?”

“How much have you spent on brats alone?” I ask him. Without hesitating, Vanden Heuvel estimates one-hundred thousand dollars.

“You have to understand, Robert, that’s pre-middle man and with an employee discount. If you want a current street value of my supply, we’re talking a quarter million – easy. And when the brats run dry, these will be more valuable than gold,” he tells me, holding up a six-pack of Hot ‘N Spicy links. There are enough brats here to feed Lambeau for all the home games this year. Think about that for a second.”

I do in fact think about that for a second and concur: that’s a lot of brats. I then bring up an article I read that because of their much healthier properties and relative ease of production that veggie brats were trending in recent years, and even hypothesized that beef and pork ban outage might actually be a blessing in disguise. After all, studies have shown that red meat products such as brats are linked to both cancer and heart disease.

It was at this point in the interview Vanden Heuvel knocked me out with a blunt object. The next thing I knew I woke up in a dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly on Northland Avenue in Appleton.

Talking to the Turtleneck

I've always been fascinated by the neck. My 4th favorite animal and my 6th favorite dinosaur are known for their necks and have earned my admiration, largely in part to their extensive head/torso connectors.

Not to mention, I'm a huge fan of football equipment and its evolution. One of the greatest pieces of football equipment ever invented is designed to protect the neck. Just ask Tim. (Hint: it's behind those beautiful flowing locks)

I think most people know the importance of the neck.

The neck is where two very important pieces of flair for both men and women are secured.

The neck is where awkward teens mark their territory with disgusting hickeys.

The Neck divides Westeros into North and South.

There are some that would argue that the brain or the heart are the most important parts of the human body, but you know what connects them? The neck.

Do you want to dispatch someone? You may yell, "Off with their head!" to indicate this, but what happens? Their neck is bisected. It has noting to do with the head. Just the neck.

Oxygen is transported to the lungs through a windpipe. Where is a windpipe? Usually you can find it in the neck.

Pretty impressive part of the body, no?

Well, I recently had the opportunity to speak with someone who also understands  the importance of the neck. It's probably someone you are familiar with. It is No. 89 for the Green Bay Packers, James Jones, he of a league-leading 14 receiving touchdowns in 2012, also he of a very recognizable neck protector: the t-shirt turtleneck.

I had a chance to sit down and pick James' brain about the neck. He was gracious enough to let me share some of it with you.

Me: "Thanks for your time, James, and congratulations on your remarkable season."

JJ: "You're welcome, and thank you, Franklin. It's always a pleasure to meet a fellow neckophile, also great shirt."

Me: "Thank you. I love a good turtleneck, as I know you do as well. How and why did you become interested in the neck and realize the value of properly protecting it? Also, why don't your teammates seem to grasp this concept?"

JJ: "I sure do. Check out the one I have on. Might be my favorite. [Pictured above]

"You know, it happened a couple years ago. I was traveling and met some women who were wearing neck rings, and I had an opportunity to discuss why they were doing it, and the benefits they got from it. They said that while it was decorative, it was also a source of strength and a form of protection. They explained the vulnerability humans had in the neck area, and why it was important to guard against injury. It got me thinking, 'You know, I play one of the most violent games in the world, maybe I need to think more about my neck.'

"I actually had the opportunity to work with a man named, Lucius Fox to create my t-shirt turtleneck. It could actually survive re-entry into the earth's atmosphere and withstand a direct blow from 2x4...or a 250 pound linebacker {laughs} At the same time, it is incredibly lightweight, breathable, and pretty dang cool-looking if I do say so myself.

"As far as my teammates, I've gotten a hard time from some of them about my gameday attire, specifically, the t-shirt turtleneck.  But, you know, I can't be bothered by that. I need my neck. My neck is more important than my hands, my feet, and my legs. I have found a way of protecting it that allows the rest of my body to function properly and excel, and did I mention it's pretty dang cool-looking? {laughs}

"Also, vampires. You know about vampires, right?"

Me: "Oh, I sure do, man. I sure do."

JJ: "Well, I had the stitching made from high tensile garlic fibers because you can never be too careful. Am I right?"

{fistbumps}

Me: "Absolutely."

"James, do you credit your breakout performance to your increased neck awareness and also your t-shirt turtleneck?"

JJ: "Oh, definitely. With my neck being sheathed in such a piece of powerful armor...I like to consider my turtleneck a form of armor like medieval knights used to wear...I am free to concentrate wholly on making plays and getting in the endzone. It's been remarkable, and I have started to hear from guys around the league who are interested in getting their hands one. I'm not sure I want to share, though. {laughs}"

Me: "I'm sure all Packer fans wouldn't mind if you shared it in the lockerroom but nowhere else."

JJ: "Alright, I'll take that under consideration. {laughs}"

For the next hour, James and I talked about the neck, standard-issue turtlenecks vs. mock turtlenecks, Cousin Eddie, Mike McCarthy catching on, and even James' love of alpacas. (He thinks their necks are great. Look them up, he's right.) It was really a great conversation.

Thank you to James for his time. It's always great to find someone who appreciates the neck as much as I do.

Unmissable Moment from Super Bowl XLVII

Do you have a one yard square spot in your home in need of floor covering? Maybe there's a stain in your carpet, or a scratch in your hardwood floor. Maybe you have a dog or cat who needs a new spot to sleep and they happen to be a huge football fan.

If that's the case, Verizon has got something for you. They are giving you a one yard square of Super Bowl turf for you if you can predict where the Unmissable Moment from Super Bowl XLVII will occur. Click here and select the lucky spot where the deciding unmissable moment will occur. You've still got time to enter, the spot will be selected shortly after the game is finished.

I actually know where the moment will occur, Dr. Emmet Brown is a close family friend, but I can't help you out.  Rule, rules, rules. Good luck.



  Disclosure: I am participating in the Verizon Wireless Midwest Fans program and have been provided with a wireless device and five months of service in exchange for my honest opinions about the product.

Sports Psychology & Our Competitive Advantage

Your mind is what makes everything else work.
-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball player

What is best in life is to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
-Conan, barbarian

NFL teams are basically even. Yes, there are teams who consistently win and those like the Lions who do the complete opposite. There are a handful of reasons for this but the amazing athletes in this talent pool still represent the 1% of the 1% of the 1% of the 1%. So this begs the question that if they are all on the same physical playing field, where does one gain the competitive advantage? By hitting the gym harder? Sure, a focused effort may produce a small degree of separation. Through illegal means? This has proven to work but the inherent risks are too great for most. The answer, my friends, is by mastering the mental game.

If you think about it, players do almost nothing but mentally prepare for games. They watch film, discuss strategy and even as they practice on the field and prepare their bodies, they are being mentally groomed for the action that lies ahead. Professional athletes, especially, should be as mentally strong and focused as a person can get. To compete at the highest level, such as Super Bowl 47, it’s simply a necessity.

But what happens when a player loses his mental edge? Or on a grander scale, what happens when an entire team loses its collective mental strength? Then that player and that team become no more of a worthy opponent than the buzzing of flies is to Vigo the Carpathian.

Nothing I have said thus far can be disputed. This knowledge is plucked from both recognized sources as well as conventional wisdom. However, the means with which I propose the Packers systematically dismantle our opponents’ psyche is indeed far from convention.

To do this, I need your help envisioning the Packers scoring a touchdown at Lambeau. Let’s pretend that Rodgers just hit James Jones for a 50-yard bomb to start off the 2nd quarter. The crowd cheers, Jones spikes the ball and then this video plays on the Jumbotron as loud as it can possibly go…

Yes, they will laugh. Yes, they will scoff and throw tomatoes in your general direction. It is because they do not know and therefore cannot possibly understand. However, do not throw the tomatoes back. Eat the fruit (tomatoes are a fruit, btw). Let them fully digest. Then throw them back in their faces while you laugh.
-Unknown

You may have laughed. And that is OK. But just for a moment, I invite you consider the alternative, and truly embrace this Trololo concept, and think of the rewards. Think of how humiliating this will make our opponents feel when it’s played on the Jumbotron. This video is almost three minutes long, allowing ample time to rub salt in their collective wounds. Upon one single viewing, opponents will be rendered almost completely deflated. And may the Lord have mercy on them on a day when QB1 really goes off.

While 70,000+ fans are all dancing, singing and laughing, the other team will ooze with contempt, waste precious energy through their anxiety, lose focus, discipline and ultimately, assuredly fail. Each score and subsequent Trololo viewing will be another proverbial nail in the coffin of any hope of winning and probably make them lose their damn minds in the process and scream “ENOUGH ALREADY! I CAN’T TAKE THIS.” And we will laugh and play the video again. No, there will be no comeback. After all, how can one come back – or go anywhere – when they can’t even escape their own insanity?

This type of grotesque psychological warfare does not go without consequences. The vision of being laughed at by Trololo man Eduard Khil may haunt opposing players for weeks, or in some cases even throughout their entire careers. For that, I do apologize, because I have no desire to ruin a player’s career. However, in the spirit of my own satisfaction and thirst for winning, I accept this collateral damage with the knowledge that the end justifies the means.

Unfortunately for the Packers and their fans, our season is over. But while you’re placing your bets on the Super Bowl at SportsBetting.com or at your Uncle Eddie’s, I ask you to let this idea marinate. If someone takes the Niners, take the Ravens or vice versa and play this video every time your team scores. If you make it to halftime without getting into it, I'd be shocked.

If you think I’m joking, think again. My agent (and fine auto parts dealer), Tidewater, has made phone calls and emails to the Packers, people. We are looking to have a business meeting with Mark Murphy and Ted Thompson in early spring for a formal proposal. And while I’m there, I’ll be sure to take care of that whole annoying G Force thing, too.

Phriday Phablet Phun

Note: this is not a Packers-related post.

As some of you may know, Franklin and I were each recently given an early Christmas present from the good folks at Verizon – a brand new Samsung Galaxy Note II – with simple instructions to have fun with it. And if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s having fun with things. Hell, I once turned some recyclables and a broken vacuum into a game of the ring toss (true story). I’m not sure if Verizon had heard about this, but I think they were hoping for some sort of creative execution or another.

Now, the first thing you need to know about the Note II is that this is no ordinary smartphone. It’s way too big to be labeled a phone, and yet it’s smaller than any tablet I know of. It reminds me of that whole “is he a linebacker or D lineman?” argument. Truth be told it’s actually a hybrid that’s been dubbed in some circles as a phablet (or if you prefer the lesser-known and much-much-lamer title, taphone). Check out the size of this bad boy next to an iPhone 4s.

Photo via AndroidAuthority.com

Getting to know this smartphone has been as fun as sampling beer and cheese at the farmer’s market. There’s more available features and functionalities than I'll probably ever get around to so I thought I’d just let you know what I’ve been using it so far.

And that is… videos, games and pictures. OK, I’ve made calls, texted and emailed with no issues but what obviously sets this thing apart is the 5.5-inch vibrant display. For me, that means entertainment. So along with tapiture games where you fling imaginary foul fowl through the air, video streaming late night and at work (sorry, boss), I’ve been watching highlights on Verizon’s NFL Mobile app every week. Simply put, it’s ridiculous. The technical term is “HD Super Amoled Screen” aka Bad. Ass.

All of this wouldn’t be available if the Note II wasn’t supported by Android’s 4.1 Jelly Bean OS, a quad-core processor, a rather impressive battery life and of course, Verizon’s lightning-fast 4G LTE network.

Now, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows with this bad boy. It’s definitely a handful (that’s what she said?). A lot of times you’ll need both hands to operate it effectively (too easy) and I found out the hard way that one should definitely remove it from his/her pocket when sitting down. And while I appreciate the capability of the S pen, to me it still feels unnatural and slightly inaccurate although I haven’t used it a ton.

You can learn more about the Samsung Galaxy Note II here.

Disclosure: I am participating in the Verizon Wireless Midwest Fans program and have been provided with a wireless device and five months of service in exchange for my honest opinions about the product.

Frank the Stank and The Old 96er

The playoffs.

I remember playoffs growing up. 7^th grade. October. Crisp air. Coach Dewayne Butts.

We were having our last practice before the first round game at the home of our rival middle school. Nothing was abnormal about this particular practice, but what happened that afternoon really stood out to me. We were running 1^st team defense, and I was supposed to blitz from my linebacker spot. Well, if there’s one thing everyone likes, it’s hitting QBs, especially when the guy running the scout team QB is a jerk. Well, I got a wide open hit, and it was a good one. I mean he got completely blindsided. I hopped up and trotted back to the huddle while he moaned on the ground, and his dad screamed from the bleachers about “illegal hit” or some such nonsense.

As I’m making my way back to the huddle, Coach Butts comes sprinting across the field and slaps my helmet so hard I almost dropped to the ground. He grabs my facemask and screams, “Now that’s a hit Frank! Way to put some extra STANK on it! You know what? I’m gonna call you Frank THE STANK from now on. OOOO-EEEE! Now’s when nicknames are earned, STANK, the playoffs! Get back in the huddle and do it again.”

As you can imagine, I took some heat in the huddle for that one, Frank The Stank, not being the most glamorous of nicknames. But what coach said stuck with me….no, not FRANK THE STANK. STOP CALLING ME THAT! Sorry, I spent a few hundred hours in therapy to get over that, and sometimes I regress…but seriously, don’t call me that. What stuck with me, is the part where Coach Butts said, this is when nicknames are given.

Since that’s the case, I thought I’d share with you a moniker that I find to be incredibly appropriate for a Packer who has a been a real boost to the Packers D-line and pass rush. I don’t know how you all feel about the movie, “The Great Outdoors”, but I find it to be some of John Candy’s finest work. Candy is a happy, go-lucky dad who just wants to spend a week in the Pechoggin, Wisconsin, with his family. And who doesn’t? Problem is, no one wants their brother-in-law, Roman, and his family to join them.

If you've ever been to Pechoggin, you know there's a restaurant called Paul Bunyan's there with a particularly famous menu item. A menu item that takes determination, preparation, inspiration and perspiration to consume, and this item bears a striking resemblance to Mike Neal. The former is 96 ounces of 100% prime, Grade A, American-raised beef, and the later is number 96, 100% prime Green Bay Beefcake. I mean seriously, look at this and look a this: 

One is huge, and the other is huge. 

I think you know where this is going. Mike Neal, it being the playoffs of the year 2000 and 13 of our Lombardi, and the time of year when nicknames are earned, I now dub thee, "The Old 96er". That should fit right in with "Big Grease" on the D-line.

Let's hope the The Old 96er gives Colin Kaepernick some debilitating indigestion today. Listen, if he can bring him down twice, I'll throw in some Paul Bunyan hats for the kids.

Duct, Duct, Gift.

It's sitting there. Under the tree. Resting next to the four-pack of argyle socks and seasons one and two of MacGyver. The bright yellow surface reflecting the twinkling lights, a couple spruce needles stuck to the edge.

It had been tucked in the bottom of my stocking, a stocking that had gotten buried under wrapping paper, boxes and half-popped bubble wrap. As numerous Hillside cousins, nieces, nephews, dogs and two random neighbor kids abandoned their gifts to play with the wadded up wrapping paper and discarded ribbons, the stocking appeared. I picked it up to rehang it on the mantle and felt the cylindrical object jammed in the toe, a yuletide toe jam if you will. I reached in the stocking and pulled out the small item and admired the Peanuts wrapping paper. That tree really did just need a little love.

I slowly unwrapped the last gift of the 2012 Christmas season and not much could have prepared me for what was enclosed by Charlie Brown, Linus and Lucy standing around their little tree. I couldn't have been more surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet, Eddie. In my hand I held what I initially thought was a Green Bay Packers hockey puck, but as I turned the item over in my hands, I realized I was the new owner of a roll of Green Bay Packers' duct tape.

I glanced around wondering who had given me this offering, but none of the Hillside clan seemed to be paying attention...which was fairly typical. I realized that this was the only piece of Packers paraphernalia I had received this year, which may have a been a sign from my family that I have reached green and gold capacity. I said, "thank you," to no one in particular, thinking someone would respond, and I could ask how they intended for me to use this Packers adorned duct tape. Unfortunately, kids went right on playing, dogs went on chasing each other around the tree, and adults went right on spreading good cheer next to the egg nog bowl. I flipped up the roll, caught it, and placed it under the tree.

Two days later, I still have not found out who had given me this gift. Resigning myself to the belief that it may have actually been Santa who inserted this into my stocking, I've moved on to finding uses for it. I'm fully aware that there are hundreds, if not thousands of uses for duct tape, but when you put the "G" on anything, be it shirts, socks, spatulas, garden gnomes, long johns, bathroom rugs, you have a responsibility to conduct yourself in a manner befitting the Packers' organization when using said item. Green Bay Packers duct tape cannot just be applied anywhere. There are rules. It must have a utilitarian  purpose, but it must also be used in a decorative and boasting manner. It must be in full view of others, Packer fans and heathens alike, but it must not draw attention to some sort of embarrassing mishap like a pair of split trousers (Yes, I have witnessed torn trousers "fixed" with duct tape, don't pretend you haven't). So you see, this isn't just an easy stocking stuffer gift, this is a thought-provoking item, and it must be used pridefully, but also prudently and with respect.

As Hillsides slowly remove their presents from under the tree and make their way back to their hillsides of origin, I continue to ponder this Packers' duct tape usage. Then it occurred to me, there's nothing better than a gift that makes you think. Maybe that was Santa's intent the whole time.

Smart guy, that Claus.

PS - If anyone else received Packers' duct tape, let me know how you intend to use it. Unfortunately, I don't think it will repair your broken dreams of becoming a roadie for Def Leopard, it's not magic. Sorry.

We Answer Motown Milton's Questions

Before the last Packers/Lions game, we shot a few questions to Motown Milton who is a lifelong Detroit Lion fan. Because of this fandom, he has gone through more suffering than any Packer fan will ever know. As if that wasn't enough, he is engaged to be married to a Vikings' fan (although he assures me that Minnetonka Tina is now a Lions' supporter). Milton is assuredly a stronger man than I. Anyhoo, in the interest of fair play, Robert and I agreed to answer some of Milton's questions. Enjoy.

What's it like to win in Green Bay? It's been since the early 90's I don't even remember what it's like?

FH: Hmmm....very philosophical question. I have never thought about what it's like to win in Green Bay. It's akin to asking, "What's it like to breathe the air?" 

RG: Wow, getting right into things. Winning at Lambeau is like a living thing – it connects you more to life. I like to think about what was going on with the players in the offseason and what they do right before the game. I like to think about how the sun is shining down, just a little warmer, during a game. I think about all those people who gathered for the experience. Some are old and some are young, and how the tradition will continue after I’m gone. I love how the team continues to evolve, how every season and every win feels just a little different than the last. Winning at Lambeau is like life itself. It feels so f**cking good.

Fresh or fried cheese curds?

FH: Much like the spoon, there is no "or". 

RG: Yes please. OK, fried cheese curds with a side of ranch at Stadium View are as good as it gets. Been known to cure hangovers as well.

If Rodgers, McCarthy, and Calvin Johnson joined forces would they dominate the NFL? I figure 3,000 yds for Calvin and 7,000 for Rodgers.

FH: Throw in Adrian Peterson to that crew, and I would say they could play 3 on 11 and always be favored by +7.5

RG: While likely true, the question is otherwise irrelevant. Rodgers is capable of dominating the NFL by himself. Just ask the people at SportsBetting.ag who they have their money on.

What's the brew of choice at Packer tailgates?

FH: I was tailgating in Green Bay last weekend, and I had Miller Lite, Coors Light, Spotted Cow, Moon Man, PBR, Sierra Nevada, and a bloody Mary. I think variety is the spice of life....and tailgates.

Best food item at Lambeau?

FH: Whatever you eat at the tailgate, or whatever cheese, sausage, and crackers the girls behind you from Marinette give you during the game. Thanks, ladies.

What is a must for a person making their first appearance at Lambeau?

RG: Time. I believe it was Aristotle – or was it Aerosmith? – who once said that life’s a journey; not a destination. The same holds true for Packer games. While Lambeau is the pinnacle of sports venues, nothing compares to the total experience of a game-day weekend in Green Bay, preferably hosted by a Packer Ranter.

FH: What he said. Also, the Ranter even offers short tours of the players' parking lot...on accident.

What if Lambeau had a roof?

RG: I will not entertain this ridiculous hypothetical.

FH: If Lambeau had a roof, I wouldn't want to live on this planet anymore. 

How would you feel if the Pack were winning 3 games in a row with under two minutes to go vs. good teams and blew all three games? Oh wait – that's been the last three weeks for the Lions. Pretty much sums up our franchise. One playoff win since 1957, but at least we didn't lose on a hail Mary that the other guy didn't even catch.

RG: Venting is good for the soul. Just get it all out, man.

FH: I'd feel like a Lions' fan? Too soon for Fail Mary jokes, Milton. I still get a rage headache when I see Pete Carroll and Rusty Wilson. TOO SOON!

What's it like to win a playoff game and god forbid make the Super Bowl?

RG: Like warm apple pie.

FH: It feels like taking that first bite out of a brick of sharp cheddar...wait, you don't eat it right off the brick? 

What’s your take on all the Packer commercials? I can't believe Jennings missed so much time when he hurt himself in the old spice commercial?

FH: Truth is, Greg Jennings wasn't even hurt. Mike McCarthy was just giving Rodgers a higher degree of difficulty. He 's constantly trying to find new ways to challenge him. I believe McCarthy plans on starting Rodgers at safety against the Bears. 

Thoughts on cheeseheads? Manly, ridiculous, tradition, waste of money?

RG: Perhaps all of the above. Hey man, they saved a guy’s life once I heard. You just have to embrace it. Harmless fun.

FH: Of all the things you could spend money on to wear on your head, a foam piece of cheese is the most manly, ridiculous, and traditional.

Brandon Pettigrew or Jermichael Finley vs. the jugs machine? I think jugs machine wins.

RG: Well played, sir. Well played indeed.

FH: I'm in Finley's corner. He has picked it up lately, and he will be a big factor in the playoffs. #uncharacteristicallyseriousanswer

This one’s from ‘Tonka Tina: "How will the Lions blow it in the last two minutes Sunday?"

FH: Don't worry, it won't be close in the last two minutes.

Favorite Lions player?

RG: Barry Sanders was the best running back ever.

FH: Harry Colon. No question.

Rank Suh, Cutler, Vikings' horn, Vikes’ fans, John Randle, Warren Sapp

FH: I will not do that, but Vikings' horn is last, somewhere behind feces.

Milton's Prediction: Either Packers win big – and I mean REAL big – like 38-17 or close back and forth game with Pack again winning at end 27-23. How's Rodgers going to sleep knowing he's going up vs. a secondary of Chris Houston, Drayton Florence, Delmas, Ricardo Silva, Don Carey, and Carlton Banks (and only one of those is made up). Good luck Ranters. I'll be pulling for you in the playoffs. I'm kinda jealous of your franchise.

RG: Folks, we cannot make this up. The jealousy runs deep. You have to give this Lions’ fan credit for his honesty and his humbleness. He might be one of the coolest opposing fans we have ever encountered. And while you don’t need our permission to marry Tina, Milton, you certainly have our blessings.

And yes, the Packers will win.

FH: You're welcome to become a Packer fan, Milton. We will greet you with open arms. You could do a lot worse than green and gold...like navy and orange or purple and yellow.

Prediction? Packers win big. Finley has a TD. #YOTTO