Bob Villa Will Fix It.

The Ranter has been silent long enough. Coma-inducing, memory-wiping drinking sessions have succeeded in keeping Franklin Hillside silent long enough into the week where I have been able to build up false-hope for the weekend’s impending Packer game, which invariably turns into a loss and another coma-inducing, memory-wiping drinking session. You see the pattern here? Well, not this time! I’ve stayed sober enough to collect my thoughts and direct them into a venomous Rant directed at Mike McCarthy.

Coach McCarthy, I know how when plays fail, you are very fond of saying, “Well, it just wasn’t executed on the field.” Quick to toss your players under the bus, aren’t you? It never would be the fact that the play called was suspect or not called at the right time, would it? You also like to say, “Well, {insert player’s name here} looked good in practice.” Or “That play is something we work on in practice all the time.” Which is a backhanded way of saying the players can’t perform in a game situation. However, you never criticize your play calling, or admit you have been wrong in certain instances. I’m not even asking for a lot, maybe just once or twice…a season.

Coach, I haven’t heard your press conference yet, but I’m guessing you didn’t admit that sending in Shippensberg’s finest son, John Kuhn, to get a crucial yard on fourth down in the fourth quarter was a mistake. Nevermind the fact that he has 10 yards rushing on the season with a 1.3 yards per carry average. He does it in practice right? Come on, you say, “He has 27 Shippensburg school records, not to mention 4 Pennsylvania State Athletic Conference Records.” In NFL terms, that’s like saying you’re the world’s tallest little person. “The guy’s a football player, the kind of guy we want on our team.” I won’t argue that, but he’s the guy you want on special teams, or smashing through the hole and leveling a linebacker for Ryan Grant or Brandon Jackson, he’s not the guy to pick up a crucial 1st down. He’s just not.

It’s like sending Maxwell Smart instead of James Bond to kill Scaramanga.

It’s like sending Firehouse to rock out instead of AC/DC because you like monster ballads.

It’s like sending Ty Pennington to remodel your house instead of Bob Villa. Do you trust flannel or goofball?

It’s like sending Jason Seaver to put a “Foot in your ass” instead of Red Foreman.

It’s like sending George W. Bush to diffuse an international incident instead of any other statesmen in history.

It’s like sending E. Honda instead of Ryu to fight M Bison.

In other words, you give it to someone else.