I Choose the Ranter!

In what can only be described as a questionable dating move, let this Rant show that Robert Greenfield is officially choosing his dedication to the Packer Ranter over his on-again/off-again ladyfriend relationship.

Some may recall my dating adventures with diehard Bears fan Connie a while back. While it was quite the psychological hurdle to even consider dating someone who idolizes Jay Cutler, I was willing to jump it for a chance at a little-known thing called love. I chronicled some of it here and even more here and here. The entire time, I concealed my identity as Head Cheese of the Packer Ranter because a) it may have been improperly labeled as dorky and b) this is not something I share with everyone.

Well my friends, don’t make the same mistake I did and write about your personal life on the Interweb – especially with real names. A friend of a friend told Connie about my stories and let’s just say she is really ticked off. Like angry badger kind of thing. I got 3 email-fulls so far and a rather nasty voicemail to boot. Turns out that women don’t like that sort of thing EVEN THOUGH you could be totally complimentary toward them (as I tried to explain).

Things have quickly turned into what feels like a simple decision I have to make: Connie or the Ranter? Well Connie, if you are reading this, I have your answer and it goes something like:

Connie,

We had some good times. We had some fun times. I will never forget that time you tried to get my barber to shave my eyebrows to “just thin them out a little” and we had the subsequent conversation about manscaping becoming more popular than MMA among the U.S. male populus (which I still disagree with, btw). Then there was that time you made my Uncle Orlo that cheeseburger surprise for his birthday and he threw up. Thrice. Those were wonderful memories I will cherish and I hope your takeaways from our time together are equally filled with fond laughter. You are a genuinely nice person and I think you will in fact make it one day as an interior designer if you stay focused and lay off the Peach Schnapps. However, I think we can both agree this was never going to work out for reasons known to you and I. I do wish you the best and will genuinely miss the smack talk. I’m sure I’ll see you at the bars.

~R.G.

P.S. The Bears still suck. Sorry, but they do. Cutler is overrated too. You’ll see. Devin Hester, also not good. Go Pack!

Some may think it cruel or just plain weird to write a “Dear John” letter like this and I’ve decided I’m generally OK with that. We only went on 4 dates (5 if you count the bass fishing expo) and I’m doing my best to be a gentleman otherwise. I hope you agree.