Zombies, woo-hooo!

In honor of Halloween approaching, I would like to talk about zombie movies and how they relate to the Packers offense. Currently, there are two versions of the Packers’ offense, the Night of the Living Dead offense and the 28 Days Later offense. These two versions should coexist and work together, but unfortunately the only one that has been present is the 28 Days Later version. This analogy seems clear to me, but it might need explaining to the casual football fan or casual zombie movie viewer as to how the offense can be labeled through a reference to zombie movies.

Night of the Living Dead is the greatest horror movie I have ever seen. The reason for its greatness is the simplicity with which it scares the living daylights out of you. There are zero special effects, the zombie makeup just looks like someone is working through a bad hangover (basically, it looks like me today), it’s in black and white, and the goriest part is a girl eating her dead father. What makes this movie so great is the plodding nature of the zombies, they are not in any hurry, they are confident in their quest for brains and flesh, and they simply refuse to be denied. There is nothing flashy about them, and the living can never seem to outwit them even thought the zombies have zero capacity for decision-making. Their single-minded goal makes them unstoppable through the course of the movie. I liken this movie and its zombies to a 95 yard scoring drive, something that has been severely lacking for the Packers. The plodding nature of a clock-eating drive can scare the hell out of an opposing defense. When all the defense can do is slowly back up and retreat, they starts to lose hope and eventually succumb to the flesh-eaters, err offense.

28 Days Later is also a great zombie horror movie, 4th best all-time to be specific. It’s an in-your-face, all-or-nothing, make you jump out of your seat zombie fest. However, somewhere over the 34 years between Night of the Living Dead, and 28 Days Later, zombies gained superhuman strength and the ability to run 4.4 40’s and leap over 10 foot walls. This is how zombies attack you in the modern day and granted it’s fun to watch, but it has its limitations. In 28 Days Later, the zombies can’t sustain themselves and they eventually die (Redie? Unundead?) from starvation. This is the version of Zombie-offense that the Packers are running; it is an all-or-nothing scoring offense. They rely on long pass plays to move the ball and score, but when they don’t, they are forced to punt 28 seconds later. Man, that was bad even for me. Sure, this is fun to watch when it succeeds, but to sustain itself, the Packers’ offense needs to become a much more methodical unit, much like the zombies of George Romero. Those things would last forever outside the Pennsylvania farmhouse if it wasn’t for that damn posse…I guarantee they are still milling around the mall.

Either way, I’m hoping the Packers O starts off Sunday with a singular goal: flesh and brains.

Yeah…I just saw Zombieland and, yeah, I want a Twinkie.