Your "Draft Grades" Amuse the Zang Meh Doh

“Good pick…Nice value…Reach!...Great draft!”

The Zang Meh Doh finds these generalizations amusing.

Who, or what exactly, is Zang Meh Doh?

It has been characterized as both wicked-smart and epic. Gordo Ramcyzk, 4-time league champion of his Yahoo! fantasy football league, has called it “whatever the opposite of ass-backwards is”. But enough hyperbole.

In the simplest term; in the most convenient definition, the Zang Meh Doh is a V.A.T., or Value Analysis Tool. And the Zang Meh Doh just happens to be the most innovative V.A.T. around. There’s been at LEAST three hours of actual mathematical exploration put into this already, and the formulae have been verified by our interns, Darcy and Bong Man, who have a combined 4 semesters in engineering from the University of Phoenix and Kansas Technical Institute (defunct), respectively.

Zang meaning “excellent”.

Meh meaning “average”.

Doh meaning “fail.”

WTF are you talking about? What makes the Zang Meh Doh so great?

The Zang Meh Doh is unique in that it creates a customized draft value based on three criteria of candidates: 1) Overall Valuation 2) Positional Valuation, and new for 2014! 3) Perceived Team Need. The round itself is meaningless, similar to most shows on cable.

Seriously, there’s a real formula and everything: 

Math'd.

These two values are then averaged to calculate the score. Anything over 100 is considered positive. A true ZANG! (excellent) is ONLY achieved when the value of the player exceeds both the overall and positional categories. By comparison, a DOH! (fail) results when both overall and positional values are subpar. As a bonus, if that pick qualifies as a perceived team need in the immediate or near future, it receives an asterisk (*).

Do not be overwhelmed! The logic is iron clad; the math bullet proof…trust me.

Last thing. I am getting the silent treatment from the Packers for access to their draft board (very frustrating), and therefore am forced to use the rankings from NFLDraftScout.com as listed on CBS Sports’ site.

Whatever, bro, get to the picks! How did the Packers do?

Settle. And don’t call me “bro”. I will. Here, grab my hand, and I’ll walk you through the Packers 2014 draft picks.

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, taken as the 21^st overall and the 2^nd Safety. Against an 18 OV and 1 PV, and also qualifying as a team need, that makes the pick a true Zang! score of 159*. Ideal first pick.

Davante Adams, taken as the 53^rd overall and 9^th WR. Against a 59 OV and 11 PV, the pick is an 86. MEH. I would not classify WR a team need in the near term, therefore no asterisk either.

Khyri Thornton, taken as the 85^th overall and 7^th DT. Against a 166 OV and 16 PV, the pick is a 48*, or very close to first DOH of the draft. However, he is likely perceived to fill a void in the near-term, hence the asterisk and the MEH rating.

Richard Rodgers, taken as the 98^th overall and the 6^th TE. Against a 210 OV and 11 PV, the pick is a 51 and a team need. 51* is the final score. MEH.

Carl Bradford, taken as the 121^st pick and the 10^th OLB. Against a 54 OV and 4 PV, the pick is a staggering 237*. Mathematically the best value pick of the draft so far. Outstanding.

Corey Linsley, 161^st pick/6^th Center. With a 227 OV and 6 PV, the pick gets an 86* as Center is a position with a lot of uncertainty. It gets a MEH, but at this stage in the draft, that’s very a very good value-upside pick, scientifically speaking of course. 

Jared Abbrederis, 176^th pick/23^rd WR. With a 110 OV and 18 PV, the pick gets another ZANG score of 144 for TT and the Pack. This guy is a helluva player and going to be a fan favorite for sure.

Demetri Goodson, 197^th pick/26^th CB. A 247 OV and 31 PV makes Goodson a strong MEH at 82, nice.

Jeff Janis, 236^th pick/33^rd WR. A 211 OV and 28 PV gives Ted’s last pick a ZANG of 115. What a way to cap the draft!

Wow. This sounds promising! Can you recap the Zang Meh Doh values? KTHXBAI.

Final Zang Meh Doh Scientifically Verified Scores: 4 ZANGS, 5 MEHs, Zero DOHs.

From best draft value down, the results are as follows:

1.                Carl Bradford (237*)

2.                Ha Ha Clinton Dix (159*)

3.                Jared Abbrederis (144)

4.                Jeff Janis (115)

5.                Corey Linsley (86*)

6.                Davante Adams (86)

7.                Demetri Goodson (82)

8.                Richard Rodgers (51*)

9.                Khyri Thornton (48*)

Analysis. The Clinton-Dix pick was epically solid for both the Packers’ value and team need, but the steal of Bradford at pick 121 is just ridiculous. The Zang picks at WR of Abbrederis and Janis coupled with a very solid pick in Adams has to make fans of the offense happy. Linsley and Goodson are great depth guys, and while the Zang Meh Doh may not appear to like the Rodgers and Thornton picks, keep in mind they still qualified as MEHs.

The Zang Meh Doh has spoken! Good-day.