When Gift-Giving Goes Wrong

Hat-tip: @michaelcainlaw

Psst…Have We Got a Deal for You

Close your eyes and think about the last time you traveled to Green Bay for a Packers’ game. You’re filling up your tank for the journey home, probably grabbing some beef jerky and a coffee, the former for sustenance, that latter to ensure you are an alert and attentive driver. Now, picture yourself pulling out your wallet or your purse. You’re looking inside. What do you see? A ticket stub, Pro Shop receipt, maybe a phone number from that fetching laddie or lassie you met at Stadium View after you were thrown off the mechanical bull like Mike Daniels throws off an offensive guard. What else? Yeah, I thought so. Not much. Trips to Lambeau Field get expensive. A large part of these expenses is accommodation. The artificial inflation of prices by hotels and the mandatory minimum night stays can really drain a Packers fan’s funding. Spending $200 a night to say at the EconoLodge is not right, Michael.

Robert and I have tried various ways of getting around this expense, with incredibly mixed results. While it can be fun rolling the dice with your sleeping arrangements, it can also lead to sleepless nights, burglary, and vain attempts to reach the bathroom in an unfamiliar, darkened hotel room. For years, we’ve been trying to find the solution. This past year, our investigations came to fruition when we were graciously invited to join a good friend at one those fantastical houses across the street from Lambeau Field. You know the ones. The Party Houses. The houses that are used for eight weekends a year, not including a home playoff game every now and again. The houses that are outfitted for one purpose: enjoy a weekend of revelry in Green Bay with easy access to Lambeau Field. This seems like an easy solution, why didn’t we think of it earlier? Again, it comes back to funding. These places also cost a pretty penny to rent and have the same old mandatory minimum stays, which leaves us right back where we were.

Here’s the difference. We’re going to buy one, WE, as in Robert, me, and you. All of you. We’re going to buy a house and make it a Green Bay Fan Commune (GBFC). I don’t believe in elitism, and neither should you. Every one of us is entitled to sleep in view of the bright lights of Historic Lambeau Field, and we’re going to do it. Why should fancy-pants sauerkraut commodities traders and snobbish Zubaz brokers get to live the good life, while we’re stuck fighting for cabs at 2:00 a.m. to take us to the Motel 6? (Even if they do leave the light on for us). We should be able to take a short stroll from Stadium View to our premium lodging, like the creator of this.

Each owner of the GBFC will be an equal member of the household, with equal responsibilities and equal opportunities for enjoyment of the property. The sleeping arrangements will be dormitory-style, numerous bunkbeds will be installed in an open layout, with maybe a couple hammocks here and there. Outside, tents will be pitched (weather permitting). The house will have separate men’s and women’s lockerrooms for showering and pre-game Packers gear preparing purposes. This will include large mirrors for those inclined to painting faces, bodies, etc. Food preparation will be done as a team, with various groups tasked with different meals and snacks over the course of the weekend. Grills will be used at all times, and each member will be required to undergo a Grill Safety and Competence Training. Refrigerators will line walls of the garage and will be filled with libations that each household member will contribute to and share. All libations, as with the food, are communal. If one member has the gift for crafting martinis or Old Fashioneds, they may be asked to do so, but are not required to if they would prefer to just pound PBR tall boys. Post-weekend cleanup will be done as a GROUP. No exceptions. Also, as part of household membership, you will be given priority placement in the GBFC Fantasy Football League and one day fantasy sports, the winner of which will be given premium sleeping options for the one calendar year.

The house will not be a permanent domicile for any one member of the household. It will be a temporary lodging solution for Packers’ fans in Green Bay. It will be available to all members for Packers’ games, training camp, concerts, and other events, but following these occasions, it will be cleaned (BY EVERYONE) and left in order for the next event.

We will open the application process for the GBFC in the coming weeks. We will ask that you please provide your personal information, an itemized list of Packers’ paraphernalia, a chili recipe, favorite beer or cocktail, and permission to run a credit check.

Robert and I have already begun the house hunt. We are angling to get on “House Hunters: Cheeseheads”, but the producers have not accepted our application video at this time. Our first prospect can be found here. The price is $119,000, but by utilizing Robert’s legendary negotiating skills, fine-tuned during binge card trading marathons, we’ll likely negotiate that down to $110,000. As of today, the rate for a 5-year arm is 3.38%, and with excellent credit, my great aunt Ruby can secure this rate for us, as soon as we want. This comes to a group payment of only $600/month. If we get just 10 others to join us, that’s only $50/month – or $600/year – per person to permanently secure this house for our personal use. How much did you spend last year for a hotel on game weekend?

I'd pay $50/month for this view. Wouldn't you?

With 8 home games, training camp, special events, concerts and playoff games (yes), we estimate about 15-20 party weekends per year, with almost limitless off-season availability as well (depending on schedules of all Party House members, of course.) If you stay just two times a year, it’s more than paid for itself.

It pays for itself. You said so yourself, Dude. 

Don’t Ditch the Kick Just Yet, or How to Improve the NFL PAT

The PAT is apparently automatic and boring, which has led Roger Goodell to suggest the league’s competition committee consider abolishing the PAT altogether. “You want to add excitement with every play,” Goodell recently told the NFL Network.

I don’t disagree with adding excitement, Roger. After all, no fan wants to watch an NFL player do something they feel they are capable of doing. However, pushing the two-point conversion by subtracting the PAT option is neither that innovative nor that creative of a way to solve this. It’s a lukewarm alternative from what we have now, as have been most of the suggestions I’ve heard on sports talk radio.

So how do we keep the tradition of the PAT and kickers while getting radical at the same time? I’ll tell you:

Adjustable goal posts.

I’m serious.

According to the NFL rules, “The goal posts must be 18 feet, 6 inches wide.” We’ve already established there’s nothing impressive about a chip-shot PAT through a space as wide as an industrial shipping container. What WOULD make it interesting is if that space was narrowed to, say, 6 feet, 2 inches – exactly one-third of the original goal post width.

Now we’re talking some serious kicker skill involved. A confined kick like this is no longer a gimme. In fact, I’d say the success rate would be closer to 60% than 100%. Now, Roger, we’re talking about a legitimate dilemma whether to attempt the PAT or go for two. And guess what – it’s now exciting either way.

We could even take this concept of adjustable goal posts one step further and apply it to field goals as well. For instance, FG attempts 25 yards and under retain the suggested PAT goal post width of 6’ 2”. For FG attempts 26-40 yards, double that to 12 ft. 4 in., and anything longer gets the max/current goal post width of 18’ 6”. By doing so, you’ve made the kicking game more exciting and given teams a LOT more to think about on 4^th down in the enemy’s territory.

Give it some thought and your reaction in the comments – good or bad – and tell me WHY.

5 Tips to Stay Warm During the Packers Game

Sunday's home playoff matchup against the 49ers is expected to be one of the coldest games of all time. But don't let the weather keep you down. Here's five ways you can stay warm and better enjoy the Packers' win.

1. Dress Appropriately. We’re talking fleece-lined denim on top of fleece-lined denim (I’m sure Fleet Farm has an entire department for this), leg warmers, even mittens from kittens if necessary – whatever you can get your hands on. Keeping warm not a fashion contest, people, so don’t treat it like one.

Clark Griswald improvised. So can you.

2. Cuddling. What could bring two Packer fans closer together than in the warm embrace that lasts over three hours in the freezing cold of Lambeau Field? I recommend setting the ground rules early. If Larry in section 112 foresees issues with playing footsie, maybe Bill in 110 won’t. Take your time finding your perfect cuddle match – it’ll make the game that much more enjoyable for you both. And for those seamstress savants out there, it’s not too late to sew two snowmobile outfits together before Sunday…

3. One Word: Superhydrophics. It’s no secret if you get wet in below-freezing conditions, hypothermia can set in immediately. And since hypothermia’s symptoms include sleepiness, clumsiness and even slurred speech, you don't want to be mistaken for a drunken fan instead of one who needs immediate medical attention. Before you arrive, spray yourself from head to toe with a superhydrophic coating. You’ll not only stay amazingly dry despite nature’s best efforts, but you can also charge $1 every time someone wants to watch nacho cheese slide off your back.

4. Move! Imagine being in a literal frozen tundra sitting on a block of ice. That’s pretty much EXACTLY the experience of watching a game on Lambeau’s metal benches in winter. Try high-fiving your entire row when Sam Shields picks off Kaepernick for the second time, or take a loop around the stadium and prance the entire way. Moving around is one of the easiest ways to generate body heat, and you’re only limited by your imagination. (Continuous shivering does not count.)

5. Bowel Play. If you are truly in a dire, last-resort situation, call your best friend and have him ride to you on his tauntaun. Once they arrive and the tauntaun subsequently keels over and perishes, you have permission to slice open its body and spread the warm bowels upon you until an appropriate shelter can be made. It may smell bad, but it’ll keep you warm.

Stay toasty, Packer fans.

Please Fund Our Aaron Rodgers Kickstarter Project

Joe Friday Would Be Proud

Yesterday, Josh Sitton caused a stir with some of his inflammatory comments about the Detroit Lions. In my opinion, these statements are about as inflammatory as a wet book of matches. This is just one more example of “the media” taking someone’s comments, comments stemming from a much larger conversation, out of context and rearranging them in such a way as to condemn the subject. Taken out of context, *maybe* these comments are somewhat inciting, but added to full the discussion Josh had on the radio program, they may not be. Robert and I obtained the full transcript from Josh’s discussion, and we thought it would be important to share with you to provide you, our loyal four readers, with the full picture. Hopefully, this allows you a more to draw more informed conclusions on whether this should be considered bulletin board material.

Radio personality A: “You’ve got to make the trip to Detroit on Thursday, Josh. Are you looking forward to your trip across Lake Michigan?”

Josh Sitton: “Lake Michigan? Well, I’m a fisherman, so I like lakes. You know what is an impressive lake? Lake Superior. It is the largest of the Great Lakes, and the largest lake by volume in North America. As far as surface area, it is the largest in the world. I gotta get up there and catch some take trout sometime.”

Radio personality B: “Interesting. What else do you know about bodies of water, Josh?”

Josh Sitton: “Umm, you know, I also know a fair amount about rivers. The Nile is obviously the longest river in the world, but the Amazon, which is the second longest, has a much larger waterflow. As far as the U.S., many people think the Mississippi is the longest, but it’s actually the Missouri River that holds that title and is a tributary of the Mississippi.”

Radio personality B: “Did you know Thanksgiving Day is Thursday, and the time you played on Thanksgiving was in 2011?”

Josh Sitton: “Yes, I did know that. It was November 24^th, 2011. Thanksgiving is always the fourth Thursday of November in the U.S. but it is the second Monday of October in Canada. Pretty interesting, no? My favorite Thanksgiving dish is stuffing, and the 2nd is pumpkin pie with homemade whip cream.”

Radio personality C: “You’re playing Detroit on Thanksgiving. What can you tell us about Detroit?”

Josh Sitton: “Detroit is commonly known as ‘The Motor City’ due to its history as being the center of the American automobile industry. Its inception began with Henry Ford’s creation of Ford Motor Company in 1903. Detroit is also known as, ‘Motown’ which is a combination of the words, ‘motor’ and ‘town’ and is a style of soul music that has its origins in Detroit. Berry Gordy formed Motown Records and had some amazing artists signed to his label, such as: Diana Ross & the Supremes, Stevie Wonder, The Jackson 5 and Marvin Gaye. Just really great tunes.”

Radio Personality B: “Man, I love Stevie Wonder. Now, Josh, what’re your thoughts on Aaron Rodgers’ collarbone?”

Josh Sitton: “Well, I can’t speak to his specific clavicle, but all clavicles run between the scapula, or shoulder blade, and the sternum, or chest. Fractures usually occur when someone falls on an extended arm or on their shoulder, which I believe is what occurred in Aaron’s case. Speaking of falls, Angel Falls, in Venezuela, is the highest waterfall in the world. Just another little fact for you guys.”

Radio personality A: “You seem to have a lot of facts stored in that head of yours. Any other facts you can share?”

Josh Sitton: “Like about waterfalls?”

Radio personality A: “Not necessarily about waterfalls or water in general, just any facts…”

Editor’s note: Now here is where Josh begins his initial discussion of Jim Schwartz and the Lions’ defense.

Radio Personality A: “So you think if Aaron Rodgers were playing, the Lions would try to take out Aaron Rodgers?”

Editor’s note: This portion of the discussion is where the certain quoted remarks in question were made. Remarks that were shared across the interwebs and *might* possibly, *maybe* be considered inflammatory. Unfortunately, these were the only remarks that everyone heard, thus, not allowing for the full picture. The conversation continues below.

Radio Personality B: “Yeah, I think everyone would agree that, probably pretty factual.”

Josh Sitton: “Yeah, I really like facts. Just random ones such as: Jim Carrey chipped his tooth many years prior, but he had the cap removed to play Lloyd Christmas in ‘Dumb and Dumber’. Also, despite Harry and Lloyd’s assertion, the Rocky Mountains were created due to tectonic shifts and are made up of metamorphic rock, and are, in fact, quite rocky.”

Radio Personality C: “Well, thanks a lot for your time, Josh, this may get edited down due to time constraints.”

Josh Sitton: “I understand that. Speaking of time, kickoff is at 11:30 Central Standard Time. Did you know that 20 states and 4 Canadian Provinces observe Central Standard in part or in whole? Just another fact for you fellas.”

So, dear reader, after hearing the statements in the proper context, you are better allowed to make your own judgments on Josh Sitton’s comments.

Holding Out for a Hero (The Matt Flynn Tribute, Part 2)

Blast this video as loud as you can. The lyrics will match up with the song. Part 1 can be found here.

Where has Aaron Rodgers gone

With the season on the line?

Can a castoff quarterback

keep playoff hopes alive?

Will you be our green knight upon a fiery steed?

Late at night we toss and we turn and we dream of destiny

[Chorus]

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero for Thanksgiving’s fight

He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero for Thanksgiving’s fight

He’s gotta be sure, and it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life… larger than life

Sometime midday Thursday

On that crummy Ford Field

I’ll be reaching toward my big screen

To give you the courage that you need

With Lacy as the thunder, will you provide the heat

To be our superman and beat that loser team?

[Chorus]

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero for Thanksgiving’s fight

He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero for Thanksgiving’s fight

He’s gotta be sure, and it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero for Thanksgiving’s fight

Across the lake somewhere deep in Michigan

Close to where 8 Mile was filmed

You can bet that Lombardi will be watching over you

Through the crowd and the noise and the turf

Let them feel your approach

With a fire in your blood! With a fire in your blood! With a fire in your blood! With a fire in your blood!

With a fire in your…RAWR!!! KILL!!!

[Chorus]

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero for Thanksgiving’s fight

He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero for Thanksgiving’s fight

He’s gotta be sure, and it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life

Great and Possibly Not-So-Great Rivalries

This morning, as I was staring at the leaves in my front yard, a yard that I had just raked yesterday, I started thinking about rivalries. Rivalries like the one I was currently engaged in with my neighbor's maple tree. Unfortunately, the maple tree won this round, but the thing about rivalries is that they are not decided by a single battle, they play out over time, each side taking victories and defeats. Unfortunately, the ranking got a little congested at number two, however, number one was never in doubt.

379) Cowboys vs. Washington D.C. football club (this one is funny)
296) Packers vs. Vikings (only one side views this as a rivalry, the other side thinks it's cute)
178)

2oo.) Nirvana vs. Pearl Jam
2nn.) Switzerland vs. no one
2mm.) Superman vs. Luthor
2ll.) Donner Party vs. mountains
2kk.) Al Czervik vs. Judge Smails
2jj.) Michigan vs. Ohio State
2ii.) Me vs. bratwurst & sauerkraut
2hh.) My dog vs. rabbits
2gg.) Internet vs. productivity (if you're reading this, the internet has won)
2ff.) Jonas Salk vs. polio
2ee.) Kirk vs. Khan
2dd.) Union vs. Confederacy
2cc.) Coke vs. Pepsi
2bb.) Jerry vs. Newman
2aa.) Marie Antoinette vs. guillotine (this may not have been a rivalry, more of a single battle)
2z.) VHS vs. Betamax
2y.) Tallahassee, Rick Grimes, Shaun & Ed vs. zombies
2x.) Celtics vs. Lakers (Bring back the short shorts)
2w.) Mac vs. PC
2v.) Brett Favre vs. Warren Sapp, John Randle, Brian Urlacher (this would have been fair if the latter had all been on the same team)
2u.) The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones
2t.) Democrats vs. Republicans
2s.) Lance Easley vs. reality
2r.) Wile E. Coyote vs. Road Runner
2q.) Montagues vs. Capulets
2p.) MacGyver vs. Murdoc
2o.) Mario vs. Bowser
2n.) Don Quixote vs. windmills
2m.) Hatfields vs. McCoys
2l.) Homer vs. Flanders
2k.) Rommel vs. Patton
2j.) George & Marty McFly vs. Biff Tannen
2i.) Moses vs. Ramesses II
2h.) Manchester United vs. Liverpool
2g.) Batman vs. Joker
2f.) Miller Lite vs. Itself (This is the height of advertising, truly a must watch.)
2e.) Ghandi vs. British Empire
2d.) Fried vs. fresh curds
2c.) Nikola Tesla vs. Thomas Edison
2b.) Galactic Empire vs. Rebel Alliance
2a.) Red Sox vs. Yankees

Now that you've seen some of the lesser rivalries in history, you know what it is number one.

1) Packers vs. Bears

Go, Pack, go.

Packers Street Art Concept - Packers/Bears Week

Packers Street Art Concept - Albert's Other Side

Because I don't feel like writing. Oh look - it's the perfect screensaver size;)

22 Reasons the Lions Haven't Won in Wisconsin in 22 Years

We all know the Lions haven’t won in Wisconsin in 22 years. Robert and I are trying to figure out why.

1. Cheese is Lions’ kryptonite. It weakens them and will ultimately kill them if they are exposed to it for a long enough period of time.
2. Matt Millen.
3. Barry Sanders’ early retirement.
4. Brett Favre.
5. Aaron Rodgers.
6. …even Matt Flynn.
7. The long flight over Lake Michigan induces terrible and debilitating jet lag. 
8. Robert’s double-jointed knuckle hexing.
9. Matt Millen.
10. I once saw a sticker where Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes fame, not Johnson) was micturating on a Ford insignia. That must have something to do with it.
11. It’s incredibly difficult to leave the lovely city of Detroit. Once you are there, you never want to go anywhere else. Seriously, beautiful.
12. The Appleton nightlife causes curfew issues. It has for me.
13. Seriously, though, Matt Millen.
14. Lions’ natural habitat is not frozen tundra. They prefer the savannah and grasslands of sub-Saharan Africa, or in captivity in Ford Field.
15. Because...aliens?
16. The palpable intimidation of playing in the greatest sports arena in the world.
17. The palpable intimidation of playing in front of the greatest fans in the world.
18. Detroit may have invented the actual tailgate, but Packers’ fans perfected its use. Witnessing parking lots full of their invention being used against them is just too brutal to see.
19. The Lions’ intense desire to be in the record books for something, even if it is futility. Any publicity is good publicity.
20. “I don’t know why either, guys.” 
    
21. Well, you see, when one team scores more points than the other, that team is going to win. The Packers have scored more points than the Lions. This is a classic Maddenism, and would seem to me to be an accurate assessment as to why the Lions can’t win.
22. They’re the Lions and always will be. I think this might be the correct answer.

If    If you’ve got any ideas about why the Lions constantly fail in Wisconsin, please let us know.

Don’t Hate. I Was a Just a Boy.

Two weeks ago, my mother delivered five plastic tubs containing items from my childhood that she had been holding onto for one reason or another. As she explained, the remodeling of her basement had inspired her to get rid of a lot of the things in storage. I could do with the items as I pleased, she told me.

I spent half a day going through those tubs, discovering things I literally had not seen in twenty years. There were school projects, books that I never read, and clothes galore that maybe my future little Greenfield would enjoy wearing if only for the photo opportunity before I donated the item.

The fifth and final tub I opened was filled with sports equipment, including my triple-threat cleats (I used them for soccer, baseball and football), two original Laser Tag guns and sensors in very good condition, some uniforms and these vintage children’s Chicago Bears slippers.

I owned Bears slippers? Really?

I took them out and held them in my hands. Were these really mine? I’ve been a Packer fan my whole life, or at least as far back as I remember. And now, I’m a Packer Ranter for crying out loud. Needless to say, I was highly confused and slightly agitated. This couldn’t be! It was then I became disoriented and passed out.

When I awoke, I felt the wetness. That’s because before my spell I had poured a pint of Guinness, set it next to me and subsequently knocked it over. While I was cleaning the carpet, it all came back to me. Yes, these were my slippers at one point. I can’t remember where I had gotten them, but I do know that I enjoyed wearing them. In fact, they were my favorite slippers for at least one winter of my youth.

It made sense, at least practically speaking. With plastic bottoms, they were durable enough to be worn outside, and stitched with warm, blue yarn, they were comfortable enough to be worn to bed. It didn’t have anything to do with the team, I told myself. Sure, Walter Payton was great and all, but it was still the archrival team’s logo sewn on there. Maybe I didn’t know about the rivalry?

In the end, I think I deserve a lot of credit. Why? Well, these Bears slippers indicated that I was presented with CHOICES as a child. And in the end, I chose the Packers, and that has made all the difference.

2013 Secret Team Concussion Protocol Test Memos

The Ranter was anonymously sent some internal NFL memos that we would like to share with you.

Memo

September 1, 2013

To: All NFL Referees

From: NFL Injury Protocol and Player Safety Department

Re: 2013 Secret Team Concussion Protocol Test

As you are well aware, the NFL truly values the safety of its players, and in our continued efforts to ensure that all players are evaluated per NFL concussion protocols, we will be instituting a secret testing program for the 2013 season. We will be using this test to determine if teams correctly follow all procedures for a player who may have suffered an in-game concussion.

You, as an NFL referee, will have a key role in instituting this testing program. We are asking you to decline from interfering on questionable plays where player A suffers a blow to their head delivered by a player B. If no penalty is called on player B, it forces player A’s team to evaluate and determine whether player A should be removed from the game due to concussion symptoms. Unfortunately, A penalty on player B’s team would give an unfair advantage to player A’s team in determining if a concussion has occurred due an illegal hit. For the purpose of this test, we would like them to arrive at this decision on their own without outside influences such as penalties called by you, the referee.

It is imperative that you do not throw a penalty flag on player B who delivered the blow.

One team has been selected for this year’s protocol test, the Green Bay Packers. Please refrain from penalizing Green Bay’s opponents if, and when, they may hit Packers’ players’ heads in an illegal manner. We will handle any illegal hits through our player fine system.

This test will further the safety of our league and protect all our players today, and in the future.

  

Memo

September 25, 2013

To: All NFL Referees

From: NFL Injury Protocol and Player Safety Department

Re: 2013 Secret Season Team Concussion Protocol Test – UPDATE

We would like to provide you with an update on the ongoing Team Concussion Protocol Test. We are pleased to announce that it has been successful through the first three weeks of the season.

The information we have gathered has been incredibly valuable, and the Green Bay Packers have followed the Concussion Protocols to the letter of the rule book. In two instances, Green Bay players, Eddie Lacy and Jermichael Finely were struck in an illegal manner, but no penalty flags were thrown. This allowed the review team to monitor the actions of the Packers as they dealt with these potential concussion situations. Both players were determined to have concussions from these illegal hits, and Green Bay proceeded to adhere to the policies on player concussions.

Subsequently, in the Washington game in which Eddie Lacy was concussed, the same player who illegally hit Eddie Lacy, also illegally hit Green Bay running back, James Starks, by leading with his head. The Washington player suffered a concussion, but again, no flag was thrown for the illegal hit. This allowed us to also monitor Washington and their adherence to the concussion policies, as well.

We thank you for your continued participation in the 2013 Secret Team Concussion Protocol Test. And remember, player safety is paramount.

*****

Interesting, no? Well, I think these memos clear up the issue as to why no penalties were called on the plays when Lacy and Finley were struck illegally. It’s all in the interest of player safety.

For Sale – One Aaron Rodgers Jersey

What you see here is a gently worn #12 jersey size 50 with stitched letters and numbering. Although it has Reebok tagging and feels every bit authentic, I believe it to be a knock off (albeit a very nice one).

Here’s the deal: I’ve had enough of this thing. This was my first jersey I ever purchased. Before this, I had never considered myself a “jersey guy”, but when a co-worker talked me into going in on a group discount, I caved and I never felt quite right wearing it. That’s probably because I believe it to be cursed by a Wiccan Bears’ fan living in China.

You see, this jersey has been worn JUST THREE TIMES.

1)  11/1/09 – Packers lost 38-26 to the Vikings

2)  1/15/11 – Packers lost 37-20 to the Giants

3)  9/8/13 – Packers lost 34-28 to the 49ers

That’s right. I wore it three times and was subsequently the cause of both a devastating loss and severe emotional damage to Packer nation each and every time, with last weekend's loss cementing this decision. No other cause for these losses can be ascertained without attributing them to wild speculation or superstitious nonsense. These losses were on me, and I accept that.

However, I would like to emphasize that just because the jersey is clearly cursed for me does NOT mean it will be cursed for you. In fact, it may have the exact opposite effect and result in a string of championships as long as the jersey remains wearable! Or, more likely, it will simply provide you with that traditional game-day flair that will make your football viewing that much more enjoyable. It just needs to be worn by someone who would appreciate wearing it. Again, I’m just not a jersey guy and I can’t stand having cursed items in my closet. #Petpeeve

And to sweeten the dealio even more, I will DONATE all the money to charity (after shipping charges). This is not a joke – I will send you a screen capture of the charity receipt and post it on this site. (Right now, I am thinking the MAAC Fund due to Rodgers’ public support of the organization.) So, you’ll not only receive a great jersey, you’re helping support a great cause. It’s a win-win-win with more epic win upside if you wearing the jersey does in fact result in Super Bowl wins.

Please, I invite you to send your best offer to packerranter at yahoo dot com, below in the comments, or on our Facebook page, etc. and I will get back to you.

Would also consider trades for well-preserved/packaged specialty meats or cheeses, or for a generous spin through your tailgate libations at Throwback Weekend. We’ll be there, BTW.

Hillside's Hamstring Helper

You. You there. Step right up and take a gander at what I have to offer you. This item right here will change your life...for the better, my friend, for very much the better.

Son...son, come back here. I can tell you're a man of substance and character who wants some facts before he opens his wallet.

Are you tired of strains, pulls, twinges, tics, twitches, tears, rips...explosions? Do you dislike sharp, dull, throbbing, stabbing, or intermittent pain? Are your thighs so massive and full of rippling muscles that your epidermis is stretched beyond it's limits? Do you wake up in the morning with your legs feeling tired, sore, jelly-like, tingling, or even like they are being stabbed by invisible ninjas?

Whoa, whoa, whoa...okay, okay, sir, come back. Sir, come back. Please. I can see now, that you know your ninjas. "Invisible ninjas" is, indeed, redundant. You are correct.

But I digress, young man. Do any of these symptoms affect you, or your loved ones, or acquaintances, or possibly teammates? Or more specifically, yours and the many hamstrings you may care about?

They do? I thought they may. Then you need to solve your problems with this.

What is it, you ask? This, my friend, is what I have come to call, "Hillside's Hamstring Helper". I have traveled the globe talking to doctors, trainers, shamans, healers, medicine men, massage therapists, soccer moms....and even butchers about the infamous and often misunderstood hamstring. I have taken their wisdom and their warnings and combined their various methods of hamstring care, mending, and protection into this vial right here.

Son, this little bottle of liquid will cure, heal, repair, pamper, guard, treat, and even armor your valuable Bicep Femoris, Semitendinosus, and Semimembranosus. You will be virtually impenetrable in the posterior section of your upper legs.

How much is it? Weeeeell, you just have to think about how much you would be willing to pay for invincibility in your hamstrings? A thousand dollars? Five hundred dollars? Ha! I'm going to practically give this away to you for the low, low price of ninety-nine, ninety-nine.

What? You're leaving? All that I just told you, and you are still walking away? I can see you are a tough customer, but toughness won't keep those hammies of yours safe. You're gonna want, nay, you're gonna need Hillside's Hamstring Helper.

Okay, okay, son. Tell you what. You give me ninety-nine, ninety-nine, and I will throw in another bottle of Hillside's Hamstring Helper absolutely free. No charge whatsoever.

You can't beat that deal anywhere, my friend. Not anywhere.

That's what I thought. I knew you were smart man and a fierce competitor. A man who cares about himself, but also cares about his compatriots, his teammates.

You won't regret this purchase, young man. This product is guaranteed, or your money back, and I give you my word, as a Packers' fan, that it will work.

Oh? I didn't mention that I was a Packers' supporter? Well, I guess it just slipped my mind. Shucks, I was just so busy trying to help you out, son. Nevertheless, I will not forget, and neither will you, that those two vials will be the best purchase you ever made.

You take care now, my friend.

Oh, you're welcome.

...Oh, son? You wouldn't happen to be a Packers' supporter, as well, would you?

You are? Well, is there any chance you would want to drop my card off at 1265 Lombardi sometime? I'd be much obliged, and it might help us all out.

No, thank you, son, and take care of those hammies. Go, Pack.

Annie's Analysis

In an effort to cheer up, talk off the ledge, and/or calm the rage of some Packers' fans after a loss, I thought I would get some in-depth analysis of the week's game from everyone's favorite ginger, orphan, Packer fan, Annie. I think sometimes a little positivity could go a long way toward saving someone from trying to drown themselves in their Cheerios following a defeat. It always helps to remember that, because of science, the sun will, in fact, come out tomorrow.

In an effort to be fair-and-balanced, heh, I may do a similar piece after each win to satisfy the doom-and-gloomers who can't be happy with a victory. We're all about representing ALL Packers' fans here at The Ranter. I think I may call it "Eeyore's Examination".

Here's the sunshine:

• Aaron Rodgers looked in mid-season form despite the hand-wringing that he may not have gotten enough preseason action. Yeah, preseason.
• A screen pass. An honest to goodness screen pass. Brilliant.
• Okay, it's not game-related, but on cloo Network, Mondays are #MacGyverMondays. Nothing but wall-to-wall episodes of Angus MacGyver's exploits for Pete Thorton and the Phoenix Foundation. I'm watching it right now.
• A healthy Jordy Nelson who just made big plays. The toe-drag catch gave me goosebumps. Truly a beautiful thing. Follow the green and gold brick road because there's no place like home.
• Where did the 49ers make their hay? The middle of the field. And while Vernon Davis and Anquan Boldin may have made enough hay to feed every warhorse, nag, and cow in Westeros, the Packers were missing Morgan Burnett and Casey Hayward who both happen to play in the middle of the field.
• Hey, at least the run was stopped.
• I had an amazing wild-rice bratwurst during the game. Then I had another.
• The Packers went on the road, in the first game, against arguably the best team in football, turned the ball over twice, were the victims of the refs handing the 49ers another down which led to a touchdown, and still only lost by six points. If you can't see the positive in that, I think you should just crawl deeper into the cave you dwell in with your precious and keep playing riddles in the dark.
• Clay Matthews was all over the field...maybe slightly too all over the field...but outside of the momentary lapse of reason, he looked like the dominant defender he is. He was fired up, and I think he is single-handely trying to shed the "soft" label.
• The next game is at Lambeau Field. That is an incredibly positive thing. Plus, the Packers get to get right against the Washington Team Who Shall Not Be Named. (Seriously, how the !#$% do they still have the name that they do? Come on, NFL.)
• Despite making errors, that directly affected the game, Jermichael Finley and Eddie Lacy both came back and made plays. You gotta have a short memory.
• What were talking about?
• Cheer up. You got to watch the best game of the week, and it is football season again.
• No injuries. No injuries. No injuries.
• The Lions and Bears are in first place, and there is nothing more fun than knocking those teams out of first place...unless maybe it's the Vikings, but that won't be a problem this year.

Keep your head up and out of your Cheerios, folks.

Increased Regulations for Packers’ Children’s Bike Ride Must Be Implemented NOW

It’s one of the greatest traditions in all of sports, and one the biggest injury risks I can think of. As many of you know, since the Lombardi era, Packers players have been riding children’s bikes to practice. Since the Lombardi era, Packers players have also been risking their careers on the hopes of thin metal rod likely manufactured overseas.

All bikes have a weight capacity. On 26” bikes, for instance, the average weight limit is 250 pounds. Did you know the weight limit of Trek bikes is only 275 pounds? This begins to question the general common sense of some of pairings of player and bike.

Let’s imagine a scenario when little Jane VandeHey, a 3^rd grader from Highlands Elementary in Appleton, brings her Dora the Explorer bike to training camp with one goal in mind – that her favorite player, Josh Sitton, will ride it during practice. There’s only one problem:  Jane VandeHey is 42 pounds, and Josh Sitton is well over 3 bills. Well, being the good sport that he is, Josh gladly obliges the young girl’s request and sits on her bike – WHICH IMMEDIATELY CRUSHES UNDER THE WEIGHT OF AN NFL LINEMAN!

The bike rods contort awkwardly from the immense pressure, sending a spear-like aluminum rod straight through Josh’s thigh, ruining his career. The chain is jolted off the sprocket and flies through the air off into the crowd like a metal flying death, striking the Grand Poobah of the Pewaukee Packer Backers in the jugular. Women and children scream at the horror. Josh Sitton holds his leg, wailing in agony, while unsuspecting paramedics get the unexpected call.

It’s Josh’s fault and it’s little Jane VandeHey’s fault. In fact, it’s all of our faults for not recognizing that, generally speaking, human giants should not ride atop bikes adorn with cartoons. From now on, I want these bike rides regulated by the natural pairing of a bike’s and player’s size. Backs, Receivers, Kickers, Speedsters, Gunners, Streakers, Blasters, and those under 225, congrats, you have free reign on everything from BMX to Treks. Offensive and Defensive lineman, stick to the mountain bikes. And everyone in between, just use common sense. I think you’ll agree that we’ve had enough preseason injuries.

In the interest of safety, if not in the interest of coolness, maybe some of the players might consider riding one of these:

If you look at the specifications, this bike-thingy is rated up to 880 lbs. That means BJ Raji (337) and Ryan Pickett (338) could ride comfortably, and more importantly, safely, and still have enough structural soundness to give DuJuan Harris (203) a lift.

Not to cause further alarm, but in addition to the weight specs of bicycles, there is also an ever-present risk of head injury from biking accidents. According to the Center for Head Injury Services, 85% of head injuries while biking could be prevented by wearing a helmet. Helmets are standard issue for all NFL players. In fact, as you may or may not know, they are actually required to wear them.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Free Playboy Was Nice. This Season Will Be Better.

In 7^th grade, Matt Nackers had a big reveal for the 12-year-old boys at the lunch table – whilst checking box scores in the paper the night before, he found an ad for free trial of Playboy television. All you had to do was call your cable company, mention the ad and Playboy would be yours during for 24 glorious hours starting TONIGHT.

The thought of scrambled TV on forbidden Channel 99 coming in crystal clear was a thought too amazing to fathom. (This was pre-Internet, people, so those born before 1987 might actually understand the reference.) And therefore, as immature middle-school boys, we geeked out for a good 2-3 minutes before re-conversing.

“This will NEVER work!” someone said.

“Oh, but it already HAS…,” Matt reassured them. “I called last night and pretended to be my dad. They TOTALLY BOUGHT IT!”

Another milder, yet equally intense geek out. It was settled: each of us would follow in Matt’s pioneering footsteps and have a childhood fantasy come true.

My conversation went something like: “Hello, I’m calling about this (sweet) deal for free Playboy I saw in the paper / Haha, of course I’m over 18! / Great, so it’s all settled then? / You also have a nice day. / YES!”

I waited on pins and needs as my parents went to bed to sneak downstairs and turn on the TV. It fricken worked. Unreal. The only thing I could compare that initial moment to is this scene in Animal House:

OK, so the free trial turned out to be a much tamer/stranger version I what I was hoping for, including a rather lengthy, unexpected montage of LaToya Jackson dancing around and some weird interviews with a non-attractive swinger group. Even then, I was like, “Really?” It actually got boring and I went to bed. But STILL, I had gotten away with it and it’s all we could talk about the next day at school. “Yeah, that one lady did look like Matt’s mom!” LOLOLOLOL.

I know what you’re saying: “Great anecdote, Robert. It was mildly amusing and perhaps little too long, but what the hell does this have to do with the Packers?” Well, kind reader, as the post title suggests, that was nice, but I believe this season will be much better.

Truth be told: I’m insanely optimistic heading into each season – this is true for most of my teams. Hell, I even thought the Bucks could put something together. But I see a lot that gives me reason to feel this way.

I see a secondary filled with competition and players ready to assume leadership roles.

I see a dynamic running game brewing unlike anything I can remember.

I see key guys on defense returning from injury and fresh talent that will get newfound pressure on the QB.

  

I see a three talented wideouts and a tight end who would not shock anyone by having Pro Bowl years.

I see the premier NFL quarterback at the top of his game who hears your lofty expectations and throws them back in your face, saying, “YOU KNOW NOT WHAT I EXPECT OF MYSELF!”

Most of all, I see a team with a collective chip on its shoulder and some unfinished business that it is more than capable of closing out with glorious proficiency.

Get on the wagon, Packer fans, because despite the doubters, I for one believe it’s going to be one sweet ride in 2013. In fact, I’d go as far as saying this season will be at LEAST ten times better than a late 80’s LaToya Jackson in a nightie.

Can You Hear That?

As I was running with my dog this morning, I had to stop, one, because she needed to take care of some business, and, two, because I heard a sound that I had never heard before. As I stood there listening, my dog staring at me with her head cocked to the side, I could only assume this sound had slowly built to a crescendo over the past couple of weeks, and I had simply failed to notice it being preoccupied with other things.

Letting the sound wash over me, I tried to find a way to characterize the sound. It was at the same time, deafening, yet soothing. Startling, yet exceedingly comforting.

I raised my arms, tilted my head back and closed my eyes, simply enjoying the noise and the feeling of peace it brought me. I have no idea how long I stood there listening, but after some time, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. Oblivious to anything around me other than this glorious, auditory outburst I was experiencing, I had failed to realize a man and woman had been asking me for some time what I was looking at.

“Looking at? I’m not looking at anything.” I smiled.”I’m listening.”

The couple looked at each other, puzzled looks on their faces.

“What are you listening too? We don’t hear anything.”

Now it was my turn to look puzzled.

“You can’t hear that? Seriously?”

“No, we don’t. Hear what?”

‘That sound. That amazing, fantastically beautiful, sound. Listen. Can you hear it now?”

“Ummm…no. Are you okay?”

‘Am I okay? I’m ecstatic. You really can’t hear it? It’s how I imagine the tails of 1,000 unicorns’ swishing with Led Zepplin, The Rolling Stones, and The Beatles playing live in the background would sound.”

The couple slowly backed away. Puzzlement had now turned to concern, for themselves or for me, I couldn’t tell.

“Okay, well, you have a nice day with your unicorns.”

‘Thank you. I really hope you can eventually hear it because it really is wonderful.”

I continued my run, a wide smile on my face, the sound echoing in my ears. I began to notice that others along my route didn’t seem to share my elation much like the couple I had talked to. Was this true? Was I the only one that was able to hear it? I began to ask people I passed. “Do you hear it?” or “Can you hear that sound?” No one could, and they all seemed to shy away from me when I asked. Maybe they were scared to admit it and admit how great it made them feel. Or maybe they were just scared of me and my slightly deranged look, sporting my bedhead and covered in sweat. Regardless, not one person I passed was able to hear this sound.

So, I now ask you, do you hear it? I have to know. Listen closely. Can you hear that? It’s brilliant. It’s magnificent. If you try harder, maybe you can. Just concentrate. Now?

No? …seriously? You can’t hear it?

It’s the sound of not one single Packer fan complaining about Jermichael Finley. If you can’t hear it, then I feel sorry for you because it’s truly one of the best things I’ve heard (or not heard) in a long time.

Go get ‘em, 88.