Thwarted!

As dorky as it sounds when I say/type it, I play fantasy football… and I like it!

Fantasy football offers the same kind of love/hate relationship as, say, a bottle of Wild Turkey. Sure, it tastes amazing and can make you feel on top of the world. But too much and you’ll get angry and incoherent and later wake up in the frozen food section of the grocery store by the chuckling prepubescent teenager snapping pictures of you on his camera phone.

Last year I had just about enough of it. Despite my best efforts, I somehow ended up in three leagues and was talked into joining a fourth – with friends from ten years ago who I hadn’t seen for at least five. What’s worse – only half of these guys actually cared to check their lineups more than twice/season. Total slackers, agreed, yet I was committed.

The thing you have to understand is that with four fantasy teams, you essentially have every player worth having. In other words, you root for everyone and thus no one at the same time – this is a TERRIBLE place to be. I became so frustrated by the situation that I chugged a beer, ran into the garage and tried to lift the back end of my Tercel off the ground (I swear it moved).

Then came the revelation. The only way to undermine this stupid league, get guys I wanted, and avoid all responsibility was simple – I had to draft ALL Packers.

However, this turned out to be much harder than anticipated.

All the rankings seemed to agree that Jennings, Rodgers and Grant were the top 20. With the 5th pick in a 12-team league, I was in a baaaad spot to get all three. I knew I could snag #85 and #12 but the big question was, would #25 come back to me in round 3? After my “reach” for Jennings in the first followed by Rodgers in the second, the chat smackers were onto me. Yet Grant was still on the board and suddenly only two picks away! But wouldn’t you know it, the f#@$*#g Muffin Tops grabbed Grant and followed it up with a heartbreaking, “How you like me know Greenfeeld!?” (He is a notoriously bad speller).

I sank into a minor depression as I went to my next best available, Donald Driver, and it was a piece of cake to get the rest of my guys. Yes, I had all Packers but it was just incomplete with Brandon Jackson and John Kuhn in my RB spots. Believe it or not, I did finish 4-9 (that’s with a bye week!) and I did the math and would’ve gone 7-6 and made the playoffs had Grant fallen to me…sigh. This quote from American Beauty (1999) seems to sum things up nicely.

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.”

Friday Caption Contest #3

Hopefully you know the drill – the funniest caption comment judged by us gets a buck via PayPal. Only your first submission today will be considered. Now let’s have some fun!

Franklin's Grade for Seattle vs. Green Bay

I noticed that everyone enjoys doing a grade of recent Packers games, I mean, this guy even grades the graders…consider my MIND. BLOWN, dude. So, anyway, I thought I would throw my two cents in. I give the Green Bay/Seattle tilt an A+. But like most stuff here at the Ranter, I have a little different take on things…

Many important factors went into this highest of marks.

1) The Company in My Living Room: Unfortunately it is few and far between these days, but my Packer game viewing partner was none other than Robert Greenfield. Yep, that’s right, Robert made the journey across the land of cheese and beer, and spent the weekend maneuvering the enemy territory of Minneapolis.

2) The Topics of Conversation: In addition to being able to watch the game, Robert and I were able to discuss the results of our fantasy football draft that had taken place earlier in the evening. Not much tops watching a Packer game and comparing the rosters of my squad,“The White Outs”, and Robert’s, “Fields of Green and Gold”. (FYI – The White Out’s is better)

3) The Food: Robert and I decided to go whole hog on the meal for the game. Actually, we went whole cow and destroyed two steaks that dripped with juicy goodness. Mrs. Greenfield, just so you don’t worry, even through the meat-drunkenness that soon followed, we still ate our veggie kabobs.

4) The Libations: Generous helpings of beer and single-malt always lead to high marks.

5) The Game: Truth be told, the conversation, the booze, and the meat sweats kind of overshadowed the actual game for me. However, if I can see Aaron Rodgers pilot a bombing run right into Greg Jennings’ outstretched hands, and I can stand and give a guttural, “HI-YO!” at the top of my lungs to start the game, then I’m happy. I’m easy to please, I know.

6) The Grading Process: The fact that so many other people I read and respect give out grades for each game, means I don’t have to. And let me tell you, I am nothing if I don’t have the ability to shirk off work.

Hmmm....interesting, I might have just convinced myself to bump it up to an A++ at this point, and it’s only a meaningless preseason game....it was a damn good Saturday.

Friday Caption Contest #2

Welcome back to Friday...I love Fridays, and you should too because the Packer Ranter is once again giving away a cash prize for the funniest caption comment for the picture below as judged by Robert and myself! Only your first submission received today will be considered, so put your best caption foot forward.

The winner will receive 100 pennies in the form of one dollar payable via PayPal. Yeah, I know it’s only a dollar, but it’s more about the pride of winning and enjoying some Friday fun. Plus, what else are you doing that you can’t spare a minute to submit something? No. Really. What else else are you doing? That's what I thought...

...and, yes, that IS a purse Mooch is holding.

Trash Talking with Vikings Gab

So last year in a shameless attempt to garner more hits, I would occasionally go to opposing team's fan sites and talk a little smack before the game. To my surprise, one of those sites - VikingsGab - contacted me to take things a little further. We had a fun little smackoff and although the Vikes beat us last year, I feel good I won that battle of words.

To my further surprise, they contacted me again for Round 2 and I gladly accepted. Below is the exchange, which definitely got heated...quickly. As my thanks for the invitation, I let him have the last words and man, did he take advantage with some cheap shots. Clearly, I got under his skin - muhahaha. My comments are in green and his are in purple. I'm apparently getting killed on their site in the comments section, so I'd love to know your thoughts.

Before we start this war of Internet words, I’m going to go out on a limb and say we can agree on two things: 1) The Packers and Vikings are the only legit contenders to the NFC North crown and 2) Of those two teams, the Packers clearly have the upper hand. With this year’s NFL MVP at the helm, the reigning defensive MVP on the other side of the ball and weapons across the board, the 2010 Packers have enough firepower and chip on their collective shoulders to make a serious run (while running over the Vikings in the process).

I can agree with your prediction #1, at this point, but #2 is completely ridiculous. If by “upper hand” you mean a pair of over-the-hill corners, an offensive line that will eventually be hated for how often they let your “NFL MVP” get killed, and a #1 rush defense that is sitting in jail… yup, you got the upper hand. I just don’t buy it. The Vikings are oozing with talent. Brett Favre will be back throwing to one of the best pass catching crews in the league, with Adrian Peterson on a war path, and a defense that takes no prisoners. But, the offseason isn’t over yet, and your team can still improve… by picking up some players that the Vikings cut.

I find it interesting that you’re citing age as a factor when you’re pleading for a 50-year old to come and save your team…again. But I admire your willingness to welcome Favre back, knowing full well you’ll get screwed while the window of opportunity gets that much smaller. Isn’t it amazing that “despite” our O-line that Rodgers put up 4400+ yards and 30 TDs? And how much does it just burn you that Ryan Grant had a good of year as your coveted Adrian Peterson? I’d also like to remind you of the hierarchy of castoffs – the Vikings get first dibs on the Packer castoffs followed by the Bears and the Lions. That’s the way it’s always been and always will be.

I agree, it is amazing that Mr. Rodgers had those types of numbers instead of being wheeled out on a cart, the way your O-Line was jumping out of the way of pass rushers. Staying healthy for two years in a row will be a challenge for your “MVP” considering that Bulaga isn’t quite enough attention paid to a woeful O-Line. Grant had 1,253 yards and 11 touchdowns with 11 touchdowns in addition to 197 receiving yards. Peterson? A mere 1,383 yards with 18 touchdowns and 436 receiving yards. Do the math, then consider that Peterson’s numbers were considered a “down year” and you’re still telling me they are just as good as each other? Oh, and Grant’s recent concussion issues should go a long way towards proving that theory. With or without Favre, the Vikes are the superior team. I don’t know that I would brag about your castoffs going to your division opponents only to come back and beat you. On the plus side, though, you don’t have to play the Bucs this year so there’s an extra win and a little less embarrassment, eh?

Like all great teams, our offensive line got significantly better as the season progressed. With Bulaga (stud in the making by the way) now in the mix and Tauscher back at RT, you are going to be surprised. Just wait. I said Grant had as good of year as Peterson in 2009. Sure, AP got all the goal-line carries to stack up the TD totals, but his YPC was exactly the same as Grant’s at 4.4. The big difference was that AP coughed the ball up seven times (losing six!) while Grant only fumbled once all year back in week two. Hell, AP fumbled more in the Saints game alone than Grant did all season. I guess what I’m saying is that #28 fumbles. A lot. You’re telling me that doesn’t enter the conversation when comparing the two? But clearly you’re going to have to pay Peterson like the cover boy he is. And since you’re throwing all your cash at Favre like he’s a cheap stripper, I wonder if you’ll have any left over to pay him (and Rice)?

It is true that the Vikings are a stacked team and NEXT YEAR have some decisions to make as to whom they will pay how much, I must say that it is a good problem to have and that we won’t simply let our best players walk away like the Pack did with Kampman. Plus, we can keep our players out of jail. I think your statement should have read “throwing cash at Brett Favre like a Green Bay defensive back does to hookers.” The fact is that the Packers are not a deep team. If Rodgers, Grant, any offensive lineman, or one of your ancient defensive backs gets injured/suspended/arrested then Packers fans will be screaming the “sky is falling” and rightfully so. The Vikings have incredible depth behind their incredible starting talent and this alone is enough to make them the favorite of the North.

LOL…sorry, but I’m still laughing… OK I’ll stop. For a second there, you managed to make the Vikings sound 2% classy. But then I remembered this the same team known for popularizing the Whizzinator, the Love Boat and diuretic steroids – not to mention proud home to Randy Moss, Jared Allen and now Brett Favre, who played you like a fool, by the way, getting almost $10 million-dollar overnight because of a rumor. Don’t let Sage’s brilliant performance against the Rams 3rd team rosy the view of your backup QB situation…and Tobias Gerhart is no Chester Taylor (speaking of letting good players go). Come what may, the Green Bay Packers do not panic. Just look at how we handled Favre. I completely disagree with your depth statement and you could play the injury card with anybody. The fact is the Packers have players on the verge of breakouts on all sides of the ball – not to mention we are the youngest team in all of football. What does that mean for the rest of the division? Neck pains, mostly. You ever look up for a decade? It hurts.

The Packers fumbled four times, including one from Ryan Grant which was lost, in their first preseason game. Just thought I would point that out. Our hands were tied in letting Taylor go because we were a “final four” team last year, something that didn’t apply to the Packers because Aaron Rodgers decided to play hacky sack with the football in overtime of a playoff game. Gerhart may be a rookie, but he is still a better backup than the Packers have without a doubt. “Verge of breakouts” sounds like preseason hype that will soon be put to the test, and probably fail. In all reality, the Packers are a formidable opponent this year (just like every year) and it will be fun watching the race for the crown. They’re still a bunch of low-life, no-talent, cheese eating losers… but why be uncivil about this? Have a fun season, PackerRanter. We’ll do this again in week six after your O-line has fallen apart, your fans are using injuries as an excuse for your 2-4 record, three more players have been arrested, Aaron Rodgers has followed in his predecessor’s footsteps and forced his way out of that frozen hell hole, your secondary is allowed to start filing for social security, and Ryan Grant has been exposed for the imposter that he is and has fallen back down into the ranks of sub-mediocrity. SKOL!

Friday Caption Contest

That’s right. The Packer Ranter is giving away a cash prize for the funniest caption comment for the picture below as judged by Franklin and myself! Only your first submission received today will be considered, so put your best caption foot forward.

The winner will receive 100 pennies in the form of one dollar payable via PayPal. Yeah, I know it’s only a dollar, but it’s more about the pride of winning and enjoying some Friday fun. Plus, what else are you doing that you can’t spare a minute to submit something? Now let’s get creative and have some fun!

Mythical Beast: Don Hutson

A few days ago, when Jerry Rice got inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, someone tweeted Peter King saying that Jerry Rice was the greatest receiver of all time, and then asked who was second? King responded: “Best WR ever: Don Hutson. Google him. You’ll see.” Well, Packer fans already knew this and Cold Hard Football Facts knows this as well, but apparently much of rest of the world doesn’t quite get it. I pity them.

Don Hutson is the inventor of the receiver position, and he crushed his opponents with zero mercy or tolerance for their inability to stop him. He scoffed at feeble attempts to cover him, and devoured defenses whole. He rolled up mind-boggling stats and records, some that still stand in today’s era of air-it-football. Take a look at his Packer bio if you get a chance. The man was a beast…

This last statement got me think what kind of beast is Don Hutson? I quickly emailed Robert to get his opinion, and I included frequent commenter, Johnny Vicious, as his knowledge of beasts great and small is legendary. Just ask him, he’ll tell you. Robert was stumped, and I must admit even with my extensive knowledge of mythical beasts from playing Heroes of Might and Magic II for days on end, I couldn’t find anything that seemed to fit. Then, I got a response from Johnny.

The email only contained this:

I immediately realized he was spot on, Don Hutson was a giant pass-catching, touchdown-scoring minotaur. Stop him? Not likely. The only way for defenses to have had a chance to stop Hutson would have been to lock him in a labyrinth for eternity, destined to wander the maze alone, appeased only by the occasional sacrifice of defensive backs. RAWR!

Well-played, Johnny Vicious. Well-played, indeed

America's Best Sports Fans. Really?

Just about everything in sports has some sort of ranking or statistic. It’s the ultimate ammo for any debate. But when it comes to quantifying die-hard fandom, the criteria can usually start an argument unto itself.

Like the asshats at Forbes just put out a list of “America’s Best Sports Fans” covering the big four sports (NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL). OK, that’s something I’ll spend a couple minutes browsing through to see where the Packers land. More than likely it’ll be #1 or at least top five. However, as I clicked through the list, it became painfully evident that it was devoid of the Green & Gold. To this I say, “WTF!?” Here is their top 16 list.

16. Chicago Blackhawks
15. Philadelphia Phillies
14. New York Yankees
13. Cleveland Cavaliers
12. Los Angeles Lakers
11. Montreal Canadiens
10. St. Louis Cardinals
9. Dallas Cowboys
8. San Antonio Spurs
7. Boston Celtics
6. Pittsburgh Penguins
5. New England Patriots
4. Indianapolis Colts
3. Detroit Redwings
2. Pittsburgh Steelers
1. Boston Red Sox

Plenty of things wrong with this article. First of all, I get they used the top four from each sport, but who makes a list of the top 16? >Honestly. And what about non-professional sports? There are great stories of insane loyalty and tradition throughout college and high school sports despite decades of futility.

Here’s my other beef: their criteria for this list is three-fold: 1) home and away game attendance 2) merchandise sales 3) in-market popularity (supposedly based on surveys). In other words: money, money, money.

This article completely missed the mark. I have no doubt there are some passionate fans in that list, but what about a team whose sold out every game since 1960? And that same team has a season ticket waiting list that takes about 30 years? And their fans sit in below-freezing weather tempting frostbite for hours upon hours just to see their team in person. Packer fans are the simply the BEST.

I guess what should you really expect from a site devoted to money? Seriously, they don’t have a sports section, rather a “SportsMoney” section – if that tells you anything. I look at most of the teams on this list and all I see is bandwagon marketing and ludicrous payrolls. What a joke.

Perhaps we didn’t qualify because we are the world’s best fans? That must be it.

The Hail Mary

I’m guessing right about now Brad Childress is on the phone with Cameron Crowe, trying to find out what Lloyd Dobbler would do if he were Chili and Diane Court was Favre.

Training Camp and Yard Work...One and the Same

I spent the majority of yesterday in my yard, in the sweltering heat and dripping humidity, doing yard work. Amid the multiple water breaks, due in part to sweating through numerous t-shirts, and in part to a not insubstantial hangover, I thought about things that usually cross my mind: 1) why did I have so much to drink the night before 2) how could I get so lazy as to leave an important job until the last possible time of the weekend to do it and 3) the Packers. During these hydration breaks, I would check The Ranter twitter feed and get caught up on all that was happening at Training Camp.

That’s when I realized that me doing yard work is exactly like going to training camp for NFL players…you know, without the super-athletic, freak show fast, and Andre the Giant-like large men running around in body armor…at least, they’re not at my house. Multiple water breaks, intense sweating, dry heaves…(well, maybe that was just me), and backbreaking work, Training Camp and yard work have them all. Plus, there’s lots, and lots, and lots of grass! In addition, regardless of the feigned excitement by players and feigned excitement by amateur home law care technicians: “So excited for Camp!! Time to get after it!!!” and “Really pumped to get out in the yard today, get my hands dirty, and make it look great!” no one really wants to be out in the sweltering heat, doing what they’ve been doing for years, in the players’ case, practicing football and in my case, trimming back overgrown lilac bushes. Ugh! Damn you lilacs! I get two weeks of flowers for months and months of WHAT exactly?!?!!

You know what else is similar? No one really wants to hear about it unless you have a vested interest in it. This means fans of the team will care as will homeowners like me, who are forced to look at their yard as it starts to resemble a Brazilian jungle. (Okay, maybe that neighbor next door might care who trims his grass with a scissors and ruler, but in the end, he has no involvement other than peering out his windows at your dying rose bush. He's like your Division Rival, points out flaws, but never complimenting) But the problem is, despite the annoyance and downright dislike of the unpleasant nature of yard work and living in a dorm for a few weeks and running your tail off in 90 degree heat, it’s necessary. It knocks the rust off, cleans up your yard, and creates something that will eventually lead to a sense of pride. Just don’t talk to your friends about how much yard work you did, and according to some, don’t tweet how many field goals Mason Crosby misses, because no one really cares. Except…. the people who really care.

Slamming that last glass of H2O also led me to a puzzling question: if Training Camp is exactly like yard work, why the hell does Favre skip out when all he really likes to do is ride around on tractor? Maybe I’ll have to pass this analogy on to him….

Geoff Largefan

Google image search “packer fan” sometime and you get over 80,000 results that overload the green and gold spectrum with chaos and hilarity. You’ll also find several pictures of this guy, whom I have dubbed “Geoff Largefan.”

Now I’m not sure whether he loves the Packers or just loves having fun, but these pictures tell a great story. With his homemade helmet, keg belly and strategically placed stickers, this guy not only makes me laugh and want to party, he also makes me want to be a better Packer fan.

He makes me want to cheer even more. He makes me want to let loose and throw caution to the wind, completely enveloping myself in uber-ultra-Packer-zealousness. We could all take a note from Geoff Largefan. He is so inspiring that he makes me realize that I need to step up and create a good gameday outfit.

If he ever wanted to sell that bomb shelter he calls a helmet, his Packer fan celebrity would lend him quite the negotiating power to the right buyer. I would have to commit a petty crime just to get locked up and remove myself from the table for fear I might lose everything I have in the process.

Understand, readers. I would use this helmet to do great and wonderful things – the smashing of the bottles and the headbutting of the obknoxious Vikings fans come to mind – but its power/weight would simply too great to be wielded by a mere mortal, even one with his own blog. In fact, in the hands of anyone of than its rightful owner, there’s no telling who would get hurt. If he can’t have it, than it must be destroyed!

No, my Packers glory will have to come in another form…that of baby clothes!

The Ultimate Dessert

October 5, 2008. The Packers just lost their third straight game – this time to the Falcons. I was searching for answers at Stadium View, unable to consume any cheese curds whatsoever.

It would’ve taken a crowbar pry me from the bar stool, but when the tube-topped vixen in the Packers hat dropped her keys, I sprinted over to give them to her. There was another guy competing to be her surprise hero, but he was no match for my cat-like quickness that day I tell you!

“Excuse me,” I said. She ignored me. This was the type of Babraham Lincoln that probably gets hit on a lot, so that kind of non-reaction was expected. I put on my cool Don Driver smirk and confidently a-nun-ci-ated, “You dropped your keys.” That got her attention.

“Oh my god, thank you so much! I am always losing those things.” she giggled. I couldn’t tell if there were real thoughts being processed behind those big brown eyes, but it didn’t matter. Damn she was hot. “It’s not a problem, really.” I said.

A blond beauty in jeans and a #12 shirt came up and sat on a stool by us, sizing me up. “Who’s this?” her friend asked. “I don’t know. I dropped my keys again and he picked them up for me.” She said.

“I am Robert of the clan Greenfield,” I said, drunkingly trying to be clever. They shot each other a look of “O-Kay...” The awkwardness was getting awkward. “I’m Robert,” I corrected myself. “Nice to meet you.”

“Hi. I’m Jackie and this is Erica,” the friend said. “Erica is always losing her keys, so thanks a lot. What’s your drink of choice? We got it.”

Score! I couldn’t help but get ahead of myself and began to feel this day would turn out good after all. I imagined that I was the rich, cream-cheese frosted filling between two delicious warm chocolate-chip cookies. But not for long.

As the bartender was bringing back my Spotted Cow, Jackie whispered something into Erica’s ear. They giggled and then kissed. Jackie handed me the beer and said, “See ya later!” They exited the bar holding hands, on their way to a place only the Internet has seen.

And that’s the way the cookie crumbles…

What If?

Have you ever played the “What If?” game? Sure, we all have. You basically take a scenario and throw in a creative “What If?” to the equation. So you could be talking about your meeting, for example, and ask yourself, “What if I spontaneously combusted? Would my coworkers put me out or let me burn while pointing and laughing?” If nothing else, it passes the time.

I recently wondered, “What if... you took the movie ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ and instead of Jodie Foster, Brett Favre played the role of rookie FBI investigator?” Hmmmm… And then since I was really bored I took it a step further and asked myself, “What if you told that story in the form of a poem from Hannibal Lecter’s point of view?” HMMMM…

This is how their first meeting might have gone in Lecter’s cell. I tried to remain loyal to film. If you don’t believe me, you can start watching at 2:30.

I Know the Buffalo

So you’ve come to me, my little trainee
What is it that you want from me?
You say it’s to learn but won’t say what
So I’ll give you subject before it comes up.
You’re after him - the one they call Bill
What’s he done now – had another kill?
I’ll tell you what, what you can do
Stop with the games like I’m some kind of fool.
You know what I see when you look back at me?
A man clinging to some lost destiny.
A redneck boy somewhat brash,
One step removed from poor white trash.
That accent you’ve tried so hard to shed
Reeks distinctly of Mississippi spread.
Oh how you dreamed of getting out
“Anywhere but here!” you would shout.
All the way to where the action swells
A little-known place called the N.F.L.
So before you try and probe my mind
Remember this warning none too kind -
A census taker once tried to test me,
And I ate his liver with a nice Chianti.
Fly back to the farm my dear Brett
My simple Southern aging pet.
But come back if you can find
A man named Moffet, a former patient of mine.
He’s the beginning, you’ll someday see
Of the bizarre affair between yourself and me.
What!?

Franklin, You're an Ace. Everybody Knows It.

I hit the links this weekend for the first time in a long time, and while it was comparable to a lumberjack trying to swing an axe after a week-long bender, I at least got to do it with my grandfather, uncle and dad. I’d like to tip my cap to these gentlemen, they had to bite their tongues so hard to keep from laughing that I’m pretty sure they each had to get stitches. Going golfing always make me think of one thing, no it’s not Tiger’s harem and, no, it’s Phil’s hot wife. It’s Lacey Underall…hmmm, apparently, I relate all golf thoughts to women, but can you blame me? What am I going to think about, club loft? Pfft. I mean she’s rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.

So…Lacey Underall, Bushwood’s resident Siren, niece of Judge Smails, who loves bullfights on acid…(and who doesn’t?) Thinking of Lacey then reminds me what a fantastic movie Caddyshack is. The performances by Chevy Chase and Bill Murray, not to mention Ted Knight as Smails are just fantastic. Danny Noonan sucks, but, hey, the world needs ditch diggers too. My favorite character, though, is one, Al Czervik. Rodney Dangerfield’s real estate mogul, Czervik, is a terribly underrated part of Caddyshack, and should get way more credit for making the movie what it is. In fact, his dinghy is bigger than your whole boat. It’s really true that Czervik/Dangerfield gets no respect. So what? So let’s dance!

I don’t really like stats unless they are for my fantasy team, but I wanted to try to quantify what Dangerfield brings to Caddyshack, taking my subjective opinion, proving it with hard numbers. After hours, days, a week… yeah, yeah, I know it’s been a long time between Rants… I’ve come to the realization that it’s pretty hard to do. However, I refused to sell myself short, even if I am a tremendous slouch. So I figured it out, here are the numbers that prove the value of Al Czervik to the movie Caddyshack:

1,253, 4.4, 11, and just as important: 1.

That’s right, as so much of my life is, I related it back to the Packers. You see Al Czervik is the Ryan Grant of Caddyshack. Neither gets no respect. All the talk is about Webb, Spackler, Smails, Rodgers, Jennings, Driver, and Finley, but both Czervik and Grant are glossed over in discussions.

I want to right this grave injustice. You need to watch this to see what I mean…if you don’t have time to watch all 3:51, just fast forward to the 2:35 mark and view a thing of beauty…on par with this.

Now tell me both guys don’t deserve no respect. You can’t. You may think this a weak comparison, but I don’t keep score. How do I measure myself with other bloggers, you ask? By height.

Confession

There are only other three people in the world that know what I’m about to tell you. Like Lyme disease gone dormant, I’ve been carrying around this deep, dark secret for almost fifteen years that still shames me to this day. Although I try not to think about it, the truth comes knocking more often than not.

We men are easy creatures; drawn to whatever our stomach or eyes are willing to feast. In this case, it was the latter…a babe named Jess. She was foxy and funny and feisty, looked great in jeans and on top of that, she was really into me. You can imagine my excitement when she wanted to come over and watch the Packers in the Super Bowl in 1997.

I orchestrated an incredible setup in my parent’s basement that day I tell you. There were chips and dip and a cooler next to the couch; there was even stool to put up our feet and slouch. Things seemed perfect and she arrived just in time to snuggle, yes snuggle, and watch the great Luther Vandross sing the national anthem.

To recap: The Packers were in the Super Bowl, a hot chick had her hand on my leg, and a three-gallon bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos was within arm’s length…life was good I tell you! And it quickly got even better, or so I thought at the time.

“Wanna make out?” she asked as New England kicked off.

“What? Seriously?” I came back with.

“Would you rather watch the game?”

“I mean… Seriously? It’s the Super Bowl. It’s the Packers. First time in thirty years.”

“Didn’t you say they had a dynasty and they’ll win at least three Super Bowls with Favre?” she asked.

“Well yeah, but…”

“It’s OK, we can watch the game.”

And it’s at that point I made the call to fulfill her request. We then began what will go down as my number #2 epic makeout session of all time with an asterisk. And let me tell you, it was five times better than anything previous or since but I cannot ever put it at #1 because while we were visiting Smoochtown, the Packers were on their way to winning a Super Bowl – the only one of its kind of my lifetime. By the time one of us had to go to the bathroom, the confetti was swarming down on Favre, Reggie and the bunch. I was in complete shock and awe.

Yes, I had my reasons for what I’ve done, as men always do, and as much as I would go back and change the past, this is my journey and I accept that. I’ve come a long way since then and I know it won’t happen again. Jess is married with children now, anyhow, and living in Minnesota last I heard.

Thanks for letting me vent, Internets/readers.

Know When to Hold 'Em

The recent explosion of praise and high expectations for the 2010 Packers has elicited different reactions. It has been welcomed, shunned, echoed, and scoffed at. Personally, and I’ll throw my two cents in after everyone has had their say, I think self esteem is an important aspect in determining overall positive mental health, so praise is always good….unchecked narcissism, however, is just irritating.

My big worry with this is my ol’ buddy from middle school, Aces (yeah he had this name in middle school) McTierney, will take this to the bank…or in his case the bookie. Aces never found something that he couldn’t/wouldn’t/shouldn’t bet on. He set the over/under on number of tater tots we’d get from Maude the Lunch Lady, he’d have lines for dodgeball matches during recess, and somehow ran a roulette game with the merry-go-round. At 14, he got a fake id and would go to Oneida Casino every weekend…ALL weekend. I haven’t seen Aces since he left high school his junior year for Monte Carlo by way of Vegas, by way of Reno. Every once in awhile I’ll get a letter on some hotel stationary asking how I’m doing and telling me, “I’m up. Good run lately.” Enclosed will be some cash, and he will ask, “What are we at now?” as he still owes me some serious cash for a long string of tater tot bets.

This kind of press about his favorite football team may make Aces do something irrational, as his blind love for the Packers always negated his skill and knowledge at gambling. I hope that before he lays out his money he checks the NFL Odds because no one predicts football better than the oddsmakers…if they’re wrong they lose money, if so-called pundits are wrong, they lose...wait….nothing really. What a great job to be at ESPN.

So, Aces, if you read this while taking a break from a cold streak, enjoy the adulation for the Pack, but take these predictions for the Packers for what they are, offseason speculation to fill the void.

Future LB Corp?

I’d like to introduce you to the brothers Zelinski: Bart, Cole and Dane. They are not only Fond du Lac teenagers on the verge of puberty, they are the star linebackers on their Pop Warner football team, Erwin Family Dentistry & Associates.

It’s not too often the powers that be take notice of such young talent – the Tigers and Lebrons of this world are few and far between. But because of their aggressive tackling and otherworldly football instincts, the Zelinski brothers are already receiving unofficial visits from Division 1 schools around the country. And did I mention they are only in middle school?

And this is exactly why the Packers need to take notice now. With a little grooming and maybe a little more protein, these brothers could potentially take the NFL by storm and begin a new era of talent grooming in professional sports. The time to invest is now, Packers organization. Why, you ask?

Brothers. Forget team-building, these guys have lived together for over a decade. They share an unspoken bond that will only get stronger with age. I mean, have you seen Slapshot?

Combination. Look at that formation. You’ve got compact speed in the middle and power/length on the outside. Opposing coordinators are going to lose more than sleep trying to contain these guys.

Attitude. Yes, it’s obvious they were having fun posing for this picture, which goes to show they like to let loose. But look closer. That’s three of the most intimidating thousand-yard stares I’d ever dare to see.

Low Body Fat. Remember Robert Brooks? Besides this sweet diddy, he was known for having the lowest body fat % in like the entire NFL somewhere around 3%. I’m guessing these guys come in around 1% - combined.

Marketing. You’d be a fool if you overlooked the commercial opportunities that could come with this rare trio. Forget the first two movies of the trilogy, we’re going right to Z3: License to Thrill with these guys!

To Barnett, Hawk and whomever the other starting LB is going to be this year, I love you and this Rant should no way be considered disrespect. I’m just looking to build. I’m just looking to the future of my beloved Packers. I’m sure you understand.

Awe.

He has seen...and is now a believer.

Have a great weekend, everyone. And remember...no news is good news.

Please Accept My Apology

At a very young age, I was told by my neighbor, Mr. Gustafson, “Never apologize for greatness.” He would tell me this when I would sit and watch him work on his 500 square foot model train set housed in his basement, and this set was truly great, complete with a model Schiltz Brewery. Old-Lady Gustafson would scream at him to mow the lawn, fix the sink, etc, etc, etc, but he would just look up, smile at me, and say, “Never apologize for greatness, Franky.” Those words make what I am about to say even harder. I have thought long and hard about this, and I have to apologize to someone and get this feeling of guilt off my chest. {Sigh}

Robert and I attended the Packers-Vikings game last season, and since a large portion of season ticket holders sold-out (you know who you are), we were sandwiched between two groups of Vikings fans. Now, the person on my left was fine….for a Vikings fan. The guy sitting next to Robert was a different story. He had a sign referencing Jared Allen’s mullet lifestyle that he claimed took him a week to create, he wore a tragically ugly Jared Allen jersey, and he wore purple pants. However, I am reasonable, I have patience, I could deal with all that. But what started to chafe me from the moment I sat down and through the course of the game, not in the least aided by the Leinies in the parking lot and at the game, was the fact that he was wearing a Cheesehead that he had painted purple.

It’s my feeling that you don’t take a symbol from another team and defile it to make something to support your team. I would never wear a moronic Viking helmet and paint it green and gold, or tip the horns with cheese. 1) Because, as I said, it’s moronic and 2) I could buy 3+ beers for what I spent on said moronic helmet.

Okay, back to my apology… Late in the game, after the Packers had made a valiant effort at a comeback, Favre threw another TD to seal the game. Well, mullet-fan, purple-Cheesehead-boy stood up and cheered like he’d gotten to hold Jared Allen’s hand while they watched Joe Dirt together. I’d had enough…and you would have too. I stood up, knocked the purple Cheesehead off his head, and took a bow for the grateful Packer fans sitting behind us. In retrospect, it was fairly passive aggressive, but at the time it made me, and our green and gold neighbors incredibly happy, despite the result on the scoreboard. Well, being in the front row (Oh, did I not mention that?) his bastardized Cheesehead landed on the field below us. Problem solved, right? Not necessarily. Pam Oliver and the Fox sideline crew were stationed directly in front of us, and Pam being the kind-hearted individual she is, handed back the purple cheese. Well apparently my hat-tipping opened the floodgates on heckling this fan, and people started yelling at him to sit down, and giving him a pretty hard time. His response: throw an empty beer bottle over his head into the crowd. Brown County’s Finest response: escort him from the game. So in the end, I was indirectly responsible for him getting kicked out of Lambeau by the sheriff's department and also for him missing the rest of the game.

So, having shared this story with you, I do feel like I need to apologize despite Mr. Gustason's sage advice. Anyway, here it goes: Pam Oliver, I’m so incredibly sorry you had to pick up that obnoxious guy’s purple-Cheesehead. I’m sure it was disgusting to touch, not to mention the fact that you were trying to work. You deserve better than that. Please accept my apology.

Hmmm....that wasn’t so bad, Mr. Gustafson.

How to Make Money on the Internet

An amazing thing happened yesterday. In between the pesky bills and peskier junk mail stood out a large square envelope with an unfamiliar return address. I knew it was probably one of two things: my membership to The International Federation of Trekkers (IFT) Star Trek Fan Club had arrived or the board at the Wisconsin Cheese Makers Association had finally come around to my repeated requests to judge this year’s World Champion Cheese Contest.

As it turns out, it was even better – a check from Google (yes, that Google) in the amount of $108.47… ladies and gentlemen, the Ranter has officially hit the bigtime!

Now this check was literally the result of hundreds of people clicking ads on the Ranter but in the bigger picture, the check represented two years, 170 (original/sweet) Rants and hundreds of hours of brainstorming and writing by Franklin Hillside and myself. All in all, that averages out to just over .60 cents per Rant and/or mere pennies per hour.

And it’s the hardest money I’ve ever had to earn in my life. Bar none. So much that I don’t know whether we should cash the check and party or just frame and admire it.

With seemingly such little rewards, a lot of people have asked me if it’s worth it (well, no one has yet, but play along anyway). Blogging is not easy, my friends. It takes dedication, consistency and passion. Obviously, you will get paid little if any (seriously, most five-year-olds make multiple times more on allowance and quarters from grandma alone). And it can be a serious chore at times (just ask Alex). But if you can keep plugging away and have fun doing it, it is a rewarding experience. Oh yeah, be sure to be cool to your fellow bloggers, too. It’s a community, after all.

So while those ads that appear around the site may seem annoying or out of place at times, please keep in mind it is likely the only way we’ll ever get a bone thrown our way for what we do. To us, it’s worth it.

To all the wonderful Packer people around the world (seriously, they're everywhere) who make the Ranter part of their interwebs browsings, thank you and keep coming back. And hey, while you’re at it, maybe you’ll click on an ad or two! Just kidding, but not really.

Happy Memorial Day

My great uncle Albert used to look at me, scrunch up his face like he was thinking really hard about something, and practically spit the words, "I've forgotten more about the Packers than you'll ever know, you little punk."

Albert's long dead now, died of anger...and chronic sauerkraut ulcers, or maybe it was the piece of Kraut shrapnel he took during WWII finally worked it’s way from his left calf to his brain, I can’t really remember which, and I didn’t pay attention because he was such a di....Anyway, I only bring up great uncle Albert because it’s Memorial Day weekend, and I used to see him and the rest of the Hillsides this weekend every year while growing up.

As everyone knows, Memorial Day weekend officially kicks off summer...well, except for the Schwetty...er, sweaty weather this past week that got everything jump started. No place is this more true than northern Wisconsin. People drive hours and hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic to be outside and welcome the new season. Well, the Hillside clan was no exception to this tradition, we used to travel from all points of the compass and congregate at Grandma and Grandpa Hillside’s cabin for this most-glorious of holiday weekends. Boats would be gassed repeatedly, docks would be cannon-balled from, lighter fluid would flow, and campfires would burn late into the night. It was around these campfires that the Hillside men would smoke stogies, pound Old Milwaukee, complain about politics, pick on my Uncle Chet, and invariably talk Packers. I remember hearing my grandpa and great uncle Albert recall the Lombardi years, my uncles talk about the 70’s-80’s wretchedness, and I would try and mention Don Majikowski…Ol’ Uncle Albert would put a stop my contributions right away.

Sadly, this family tradition came to an end after my stoner cousin and his girlfriend burned the cabin down while trying to make pot brownies...apparently they forgot they were in the oven while they were swimming. My grandparents thought about rebuilding, but, as is always the case, family members were moving on, getting married (even Brownie Bobby), and passing away, RIP, Albert, you crabby bastard. So they sold the land complete with charred remains, and bought a condo in Florida (not quite the same experience).

So for all of those Packer fans out there making a journey somewhere, anywhere, this Memorial Day weekend, I wish you safe travels. Take the time to think about the veterans you may know. Even though he’s a jerk, I still think about Albert and his service to our country. Also, drive safe, remember to flip your meat, keep your Old Milwaukee on ice, and don’t forget that you’ve got brownies in the oven if you’re into that sort of thing.

And when the talk around the grill or campfire turns to the Packers, just remember that there’s always someone out there who has forgotten more than you’ll ever know.

Oh yeah, don’t pee in the lake from your boat either, that’s gross and no one wants to see it.

Happy Memorial Day, everyone.

Thanks for the Ride, Van Smack

Saturday afternoon I had a surprise celebrity chauffer waiting for me at the Austin Straubel airport. I was a little groggy so couldn’t quite remember where I had come from or where I was going, but since this was a dream, it really didn’t matter.

First thing I remember is the long Crown Victoria. It pulls up curbside and the passenger door opens. I look in at the mystery driver and who looks back at me? None other than the Jungle’s own manliest of mans, the one and only Jim Rome. Without thinking twice, I jump in – almost like Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters 2 when he boards the city bus that Slimer is surprisingly driving.

Louis: Oh, it’s you?
Slimer smiles, welcoming him in.
Louis: OK, but I didn’t know you had your license.

Soon, Rome and I were on our way along the dreamscape highway, while his radio show played in the background. Jim was explaining that he was using one of his vacation days to pick me up. He takes a lot of vacation, you see, because he gets a lot of vacation. Just as I was about to thank him, something struck me to the core on the radio. Someone calling himself the “Packer Ranter” had phoned in and was giving a take on the air!

“WHOTHA!? WHATTHA!?” I blasted incoherently.

“Hadn’t I heard?” Rome asked. The “Packer Ranter” supposedly had been calling in every day for about a week now and was “killing it.” I kind of went ballistic, telling him that no, I didn’t know this because A) I don’t listen to his show all the time and B) I was one-half the real Packer Ranter and C) the other was a close friend of mine, and there’s NO WAY that was Franklin on the air and that CONCLUSION) Someone was posing!

Jim, however, was more interested in something else I said. “So, you don’t listen to my show?” he asked deadpan. “Um, I mean, I do listen to the show, just not every day. I work during your show times usually. It’s good. I listen whenever possible, etc.” I said. But it wasn’t working. Rome had enough of my BS. He shot me a demeaning smile that said, “yeah sure, sport-o”.

And with that, the conversation (and potential friendship?) was over. We just drove the rest of the way (to Dark City I think. I had just watched that movie the week before, so it would make sense.) As we listed to the “Packer Ranter” on the radio, I couldn’t decide if I should be mad about this or not. After all, it was great publicity and could lead to more hits on the site… I then woke up in a puddle of sweat and anxiety.

No more tequila for this guy!

I'm On the Case

In an effort to help the Brown County Sherriff’s Department find whoever shot two holes in the Lambeau Field Atrium glass, I’ve narrowed the list of suspects down to the Packers 2010 opponents. Now I'm no John McClane, but I think my police work is sound. Jealousy is a common motivation among all, but each have their specific motives. All but two have the means, and I think when all is said and done, someone from the list below will be be rotting away in Brown County Correctional Facility very soon.

49ers: You’d be mad too if you had Alex Smith instead of Aaron Rodgers.

Cowboys: Jerry Jones has his dumbeningly (good word, no?) large stadium, but he still realizes that it doesn’t hold a candle to Lambeau.

Vikings: Their stadium dreams are kaput. Plus, Favre, well-know gun lover, hates Rodgers, Thompson, Murphy, McCarthy, etc, etc, etc….

Bears: Well….the Bears still suck. If that’s not a reason to hate Lambeau, I don’t know what is.

Lions: Honestly, I’ve ruled out the Lions. They haven’t been successful at anything in Wisconsin, or in Detroit for that matter, in over a decade.

Eagles: Andy Reid needed to back up the organization’s misplaced bravado for the Kevin Kolb era.

Jets: Rex Ryan is still mad that Charles Woodson is better than Darrelle “$20 mil” Revis.

Giants: Eli, guns don’t make you tough, neither do the Oreo commercials. Put down the Red Rider and let’s talk.

Washington Redskins: All offseason moves by the Redskins fail, so it couldn’t have been them. NEXT!

Falcons: You can’t cut me!! Do you know who I am?!?! I’m Matt Giordano!

Patriots: Bill Beelicheck thinks he can get away with anything.

Bills: Brian Brohm? Really? That’s what we’re looking at for QB? His hands are too sweaty? Who the @#$% drafted this clown?

Dolphins: When you’re as drunk as Ronnie Brown, who knows what you’ll shoot at? I learned this from my Uncle Liam O’Leary and his flask (jug) of Jameson when I was sixteen. It was the opening day of deer season, and that poor mail box never had a chance.

Yippe-Ki-Yay!

Let's Bake!

Sure, football is all about the action, camaraderie and numerous libations, but it’s also about really good food. It’s with that in mind I thought I’d pass along this bombdigitty recipe I’ve been perfecting over the last few months for one of my favorite gameday dishes. Here’s what I like about it: 1) it’s not hard to make (sweet!), B) turns out nice every time (hiyo!) and 3) brushes with greatness on occasion (bonus!). In fact, the hardest part of the whole recipe is simple patience – if you can overcome that, you’ll be thanking yourself as you dig into the tender, flavorful, hearty dish known as:

Robert Greenfield’s Slow-Cooked BBQ Pulled Pork Sammies
You’ll Need: Pork Shoulder, Can o’ Beef Stock, Dry Rub, BBQ sauce, Buns, Sauerkraut (optional), Crock Pot
Prep + Cook Time: approx. 10 hours
Effort Level: Low to Moderate
Satisfaction Level: Elevated to Awesome
Feeds: Several Hungry Humanoids

First, get yourself a nice Boston Butt/Pork Shoulder from your friendly grocer. You should easily be able to find a good size for under $10 (that’s what she said). Tell ‘em the Ranter sent you (this may not get you discount, but it may start up a nice conversation with the hottie behind you in line.) When you get home, trim off as much visible fat as possible. Then, take some dry rub (sweet ‘n smoky = my current fave) and make like paddy cake by smacking it around some with it (that’s what she said. OK, I’ll stop). Now dump that can o’ beef stock into the crock pot and then plop that beautiful pork shoulder in there after it. Nice work.

At this point, feel free to have some beers, browse the interwebs, take a few naps or rewatch last year’s Packer wins because you’re going to let that bad boy cook for eight full hours on high heat in the crock pot. Yes, that’s like, a long time, but it’s called slow cooking for a reason. Lambeau Field wasn’t built in a day as far as I know. It’s totally worth it, trust me. At the end of the eight hours, your entire home should be full with a thick meat scent. That is, unless you remembered to shut the bedroom doors and open the windows beforehand… suckers! Just kidding, but not really.

Now the fun really begins. Poke that pork and pull off a piece. Did you notice how it fell apart faster than the Lions playcalling? Now taste it. Pretty good, eh? Well, it gets even better really soon. Transfer the entire shoulder somewhere where you can really work it. Take a couple forks and pull it apart into sweet shreds of meat. At this point, you should remove any remaining fat as well any bones. Now, drop a fat BBQ sauce bomb all over it and mix ‘er up real good. Hmmm-Mmmm. Serve hearty spoonfuls on a bun (preferably with a small load of Frank’s Kraut) and ENJOY.

Let me know how it turns out!

Blue or Red?

When I was designing my own championship tracks on Excitebike and dominating the Breakers, Eagles, and Ox with the Boston Frogs on Double Dribble, I was pretty sure that video games had reached the pinnacle of their advancement. You couldn’t have convinced me otherwise. Years later, I played the single greatest video game ever: Wayne Gretzky 3D Hockey 98 for the Nintendo 64, and I was again convinced that video games couldn’t get any better. For the most part, I’ve been correct.

However, I have started watching Netflix movies on my Wii. Now, I know the Wii isn’t as cool as the PS3 or Xbox360, but I prefer this to this. Anyway, it’s not a video game advancement, so much as a console advancement, but I was supremely happy about it. I could browse through tons of movies and TV shows without moving from my couch. I may be late to the party, but that’s my M.O. for most things, and I am now, once again, convinced that video games are complete.

Technology advancement is indeed a blessing…but also a curse as I soon realized while watching a documentary through my Wii about how most humans are actually just serving as power sources for a race of machines. A small group of freedom fighters living under the earth’s surface are fighting the machines both in the real world, and in a computer program created to simulate the earth as it existed in the later portion of the 20th Century. Heavy stuff, but apparently, I can’t tell you about this, as you have to see it for yourself.

What? You’re kidding me. The Matrix isn’t a documentary? So, I have to go work on Monday, and can’t just play vids? Sigh…okay.

Watching The Matrix again, a small part stood out, and it related to the Packers, specifically BJ Raji. You know the part where Neo receives his initial training and says, “I know kung fu”? Morpheus then enters The Construct, and Neo proves he can beat him, and then the The Jump Training is loaded which is designed to “free your mind”. Whoa.

Then little exchange occurs:

Mouse: “So, what if he makes it?”

Apoc: “No one ever makes their first jump.”

Mouse: “I know, I know. But what if he does?”

Apoc: “He won't.”

Neo faceplants.

Mouse: “Wha...what does that mean?”

Switch: “It doesn't mean anything.”

Cypher: “Everybody falls the first time. Right, Trin?”

So back to Raji...I’ve heard some complaints about BJ Raji after last season. How he didn’t contribute like a 9th overall pick should. How he didn’t have 20 sacks, 12 batted balls, and 70 tackles while demanding triple teams like everyone was promised. Will Raji bust? Will he not be the beast everyone expected? What does this mean?

It doesn’t mean anything. Everybody falls. The fact that he saw the field in his first year after injuries, holdouts, etc. and showed flashes of dominance late in the season is an encouraging sign. The only thing that can happen is he gets better, so keep the faith.

After all, even The One fell his first time.

Tracy White Fact of the Day: Tracy White knows there is no spoon…but he eats with it anyway.

Amazing Journey!

Lock the doors. Close the windows. Turn on the black light and your favorite Pink Floyd album. Then turn off your phone and fire up the old porn downloader. You are about to embark on an adventure beyond the realm of reason and logic, where mankind’s most beloved treasures are secretly kept and coveted. Load up your PayPal accounts and join me, your trusted guide, as we enter the world… of ebay!

Ok, once you’ve successfully accessed the internets and navigated to the ebays, you’re going to want to start by searching for “Packers.” That basic search will return numerous results ranging from toddler clothing to tickets as well as about 30,000 items in between. Yes, this is getting exciting already, I agree with you there, kind reader.

Now take my hand as we dive into “Fan Apparel & Souvenirs.” This gets us to the part of the journey where Bob Frost once indirectly showed me the way and I feel I should pass on my knowledge. Some people – most actually – get stuck here on all the immediate gloriousness that is jackets and shirts and keychains and such. But me, I choose the category “Not Specified,” and that has truly made all the difference. Here, you’ll enter a Willy Wonka world of Packer wonder only reserved for the clinically insane or your most elite, diehard fans. Nowhere else in the world, not even in the sacred Packer Pro Shop, will you find such rare Packer gems in one place.

Example! Zebra-Striped Toilet Seat. As the listing says, this piece gives your bathroom personality while showing off your team spirit. Couldn’t. Agree. More. What I love about it is that it’s unique, possesses exceptional style and also has practical applications. The fact it is machine washable and fits standard and elongated seats = additional wins! Starting at $15, it’s sure to be the bidding war of the year!

Example! From the bathroom to the workplace we go as we come across this Packers team logo office chair. Before you click away because of the $119 price tag, keep in mind this item ships for FREE = excellent value. And then consider for a second that you know no one at work with a Packer chair like this (you don’t, do you?). You want that promotion, Mr./Mrs. Corporate Worker? I thought so. Then show some passion – it will go miles (subconsciously, good or otherwise) toward getting you to stand out among your peers.

Example! Paul Horning old NFL Pizza Hut collectible glass. Yes, that’s right – Paul “all purpose” Hornung. This goes well beyond the description of “Neat!” in the listing; this closer to “Amazing!” or “Wow!”. At $65, this is not a glass for the common cupboard. Rather, something for the hutch, mantle or display case. Maybe you pull it out during game days, or save it just for the playoffs. If that’s not good mojo for the team, I will never know what is…

Happy bidding.

Hmmm....Can I Ask You Something?

Every now and again, I find a portion of Packers.com that I haven’t visited before. Yesterday it was the FAQ section. Admitting I don’t know something is not a strength of mine, so I never had a need to click on this page. Boredom led me here late last night after watching the Brian Bulaga press conference 4 times (I love this guy). Now, most of these questions I understand, but the “Does the Packers Organization take phone calls regarding fantasy football?” is ridiculous. I hate to tell you this, but if you need help from a pro team about fantasy football, you’ve already lost your league…plus, the Packers have more important things to deal with than The Chmura Pool Cleaner’s start or sit questions. Also, the answer to the cheerleader question which points to “fan indifference” as the reason for no Packers cheerleaders, is a flat out lie. I love cheerleaders.

I’d like to take this time to submit some questions I have (I guess I don’t know everything) that I am flat-out positive other die-hard Packer fans have too.

1. How does Lambeau Field and the surrounding environs not implode under the sheer magnitude of its own awesomeness? (This would likely need a physicist to answer, but I’m sure Stephen Hawking is a Packer fan, he’s a pretty smart guy.)
2. I was unable to find a pair of green and gold, corduroy slacks at the Packers Pro Shop. Are they on back order? How do I get on the waiting list?
3. How the hell did the greatest special teams player in the history of mankind get released? (You know who)
4. How many Leinie’s are sold during each game at Lambeau Field? Brats?
5. When I die, can my ashes be spread on the Visitors’ sideline, so I can feel the fear and sense of futility permeating the Packers opponents for all of eternity?
6. What is the status of my job application?
7. Bill Miller’s title for the Packers is Plumber/Beverage Systems Technician…ummm…WHAT?!?!
8. I have a good friend who has his single-engine pilot’s license, how do we apply to be an aircraft involved in a pre-game flyover?
9. On more than a few occasions, I have seen opposing fans at Lambeau during the games. While I am more than willing to let these misguided individuals study the greatness of the Packers at the Packers Hall of Fame, is there a way to step up security so that these asshats aren’t allowed inside the hallowed halls of Lambeau?

I’m sure you all have questions too. Please feel free to add any questions you may have for the Packers in the comment section, and I will forward them on to the Packers FAQ Department…wait, how do I that?

Pick Him

Green Bay Packers
Human Resources
1265 Lombardi Ave
Green Bay, WI 54307

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my enthusiastic recommendation for Franklin Hillside to be the first-ever Packers Draft Room Hydration and Sustenance Specialist.

Outside of Leinenkugels, hyperbole and the classic movie Willow, I rarely make such passionate endorsements. But Franklin is the exception. He is knowledgeable, considerate and quick on his feet. So fleet are his feet in fact, that he could make a strong case for special teams. (With the sometimes noticeable absence of Tracy White, please keep that in mind.)

Equal parts Grill Master and Master Bartender, Franklin’s expertise is only limited by the imagination. I once saw him roll a string of sausages using only his feet while mixing Mojitos in one hand and resuscitating an albino squirrel in the other. Keep in mind this is all while he was blackout drunk off Everclear and Mad Dog 20/20! Obviously, the man knows how to party, and just as importantly, be productive. Just imagine what he can accomplish sober!

I know what you’re thinking – that there must be a catch. You’re thinking this guy’s either insanely expensive or just mentally unstable, likely to get caught selling Jolly’s jock strap on ebay or start tickling Ted mid-pick or something. These are legitimate concerns and I will answer them in order. 1) Franklin will work for free or close to it and 2) he has not been committed yet to my knowledge (joking, but seriously). To sum it up, Franklin Hillside as your Draft Room Hydration and Sustenance Specialist is an idea so crazy it just might work.

Feel free to contact me for anything further. Just not Tuesdays. And never before 10 am. Weekends are 50/50. Any other time should work.

Regards,

Robert Greenfield

Pick me! Pick me!

Green Bay Packers
Human Resources
1265 Lombardi Ave
Green Bay, WI 54307


To Whom It May Concern:

This past week I have come to the realization that regardless of the obnoxious format of this year’s NFL Draft, I have become overly excited for the event. I fought this enthusiasm with every fiber of my being, but it was inevitable. My desire to be a part of the Draft in some fashion has prompted much contemplation on my part. This brainstorming has brought me to the conclusion that I would like to work for the Packers during draft weekend.

As such, I am writing to express my interest in a temporary position with the Green Bay Packers. I feel that I am excellent candidate for Green Bay Packers Draft Room Hydration and Sustenance Specialist I. I understand that this is not currently a position that exists with the Green Bay Packers, but I feel strongly that it both should be created, and that I would be the best suited candidate.

The hours spent pouring over draft charts, 40 times, and character notes may not be physically draining, but it is most certainly a mental drain. The best way to combat this is proper hydration and a balanced meal of grilled meats, baked beans, and a steady supply of beef or turkey jerky. Also, for those not intimately involved, drowsiness is a very real concern which can be combated by either a strong cup of coffee or a 32 oz. vodka-Red Bull, depending on Mr. McCarthy’s preferences (I have noticed he seems uninterested in the draft process)

I have extensive experience pouring libations both for myself and others. I do not mean to sound boastful, but I am able to perform this task pretty much non-stop for hours on end, which is exactly how long the draft lasts. I am unsure of how Mr. Thompson prefers his brats prepared, but I have numerous methods and am very flexible in that regard.

Currently, I work in a library, so rest assured that I understand the value of being silent. I will not attempt to interact with other Packers’ staff members unless specifically addressed by one. However, I must also point out my extensive fantasy football drafting prowess, so in the unlikely event that Mr. Thompson cannot decide between two future Packers, I am suited to provide a high level of input.

I understand the timeline is too short to be a part of the Packers’ Draft Team this year, but I look forward to hearing from you and beginning in 2011.

Sincerely,


Franklin Hillside


References available upon request

Eat More Lightning. Crap More Thunder.

Occasional Thought: If someone told me Michael Bay randomly decided his next remake would be Rocky starring Shia LaBeouf, I would be devastated. But then I would laugh after learning the movie is really about Rocky the Robot Truck, which Shia is voicing, and not Rocky the greatest boxing/underdog movie series the world will ever know.

Not long ago, Franklin and his ladyfriend came to a pivotal, potential game-changing moment in their relationship. They were about to donate some gently used items to their local thrift store. As they were strapping boxes to his hog, Franklin noticed a stack of records and among them, the Rocky IV soundtrack. Obviously, he had not packed that particular box.

Now, at mere the sight of such an atrocity, some men in Franklin’s shoes probably would’ve gone ballistic in the parking lot, causing a scene so wild and furious the neighbors would’ve been streaming the event live to the Youtubes under the title “crazy neighbors!! wtf!!” Not Franklin. After cracking two Spotted Cows, he sat down and had a long heart-to-heart, explaining that this wasn’t just the greatest soundtrack of all time, it was symbolic of a man – a man who had nothing in this cruel world but heart – a heart so strong it was only surpassed by his courage – courage to defy enormous odds – odds stacked up so high you’d need an elevator. But this man didn’t have a magic elevator. Just some turtles. But that’s beside the point, which is that the man in question wasn’t a man at all – that man was AMERICA!

I can only assume a very sincere apology and epic make-out session took place afterwards. I couldn’t tell you because after Franklin said “America” something inside me clicked and I just started running through the streets humming the choruses of those lengendary tracks (…There’s no easy way out…BOM-BOM. There’s no short-cut ho-ome!... BOM-BOM!…), shadow punching, dipping and dodging along the way.

Being the smallest market in the NFL but with a fiercely loyal fan base, (Green Bay and) the Packers will always have some ol’ Rock in them. (That’s despite what Philly may argue.) Our progress from nobody underdogs to champion over the last 20 years speaks to this. However, we seem to be somewhat stuck in a holding pattern of having mostly very good teams that, for whatever reason, don’t take it to the next and highest level. In other words, we’re like the well-groomed Rocky with the money, the mansion and the badass robot Paulie wants to nail. Our team is downright sexy – like Cindy Crawford circa 1990 wearing nothing but a string cheese bikini. Who’s hungry? WOOF!

Trading passion for glory and losing the dreams on the past and basically everything else that Survivor says can happen. Not saying it has, but it can. I have full faith that we have the talent and personnel to get this done – I think most people are in the same Trans Am. But a little more fight in the dog; a little more us against the world mentality never hurt. In fact, it can bring world peace. I’ve seen it.