Thwarted!

As dorky as it sounds when I say/type it, I play fantasy football… and I like it!

Fantasy football offers the same kind of love/hate relationship as, say, a bottle of Wild Turkey. Sure, it tastes amazing and can make you feel on top of the world. But too much and you’ll get angry and incoherent and later wake up in the frozen food section of the grocery store by the chuckling prepubescent teenager snapping pictures of you on his camera phone.

Last year I had just about enough of it. Despite my best efforts, I somehow ended up in three leagues and was talked into joining a fourth – with friends from ten years ago who I hadn’t seen for at least five. What’s worse – only half of these guys actually cared to check their lineups more than twice/season. Total slackers, agreed, yet I was committed.

The thing you have to understand is that with four fantasy teams, you essentially have every player worth having. In other words, you root for everyone and thus no one at the same time – this is a TERRIBLE place to be. I became so frustrated by the situation that I chugged a beer, ran into the garage and tried to lift the back end of my Tercel off the ground (I swear it moved).

Then came the revelation. The only way to undermine this stupid league, get guys I wanted, and avoid all responsibility was simple – I had to draft ALL Packers.

However, this turned out to be much harder than anticipated.

All the rankings seemed to agree that Jennings, Rodgers and Grant were the top 20. With the 5th pick in a 12-team league, I was in a baaaad spot to get all three. I knew I could snag #85 and #12 but the big question was, would #25 come back to me in round 3? After my “reach” for Jennings in the first followed by Rodgers in the second, the chat smackers were onto me. Yet Grant was still on the board and suddenly only two picks away! But wouldn’t you know it, the f#@$*#g Muffin Tops grabbed Grant and followed it up with a heartbreaking, “How you like me know Greenfeeld!?” (He is a notoriously bad speller).

I sank into a minor depression as I went to my next best available, Donald Driver, and it was a piece of cake to get the rest of my guys. Yes, I had all Packers but it was just incomplete with Brandon Jackson and John Kuhn in my RB spots. Believe it or not, I did finish 4-9 (that’s with a bye week!) and I did the math and would’ve gone 7-6 and made the playoffs had Grant fallen to me…sigh. This quote from American Beauty (1999) seems to sum things up nicely.

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.”