Pat's Spat

The spirits walk among us – oh yes. Some are good, some are evil and others just wander in a sad existence because they don’t know they’re dead. You may not believe, and that’s just fine, but try telling that to the 41% of people who claim to have had a ghostly encounter or the gifted few who can actually communicate with them.

Most spirits move to the afterlife as seamlessly as bacon does from the pan into the gullet. But once in a while, something upsets them and they return to resolve unfinished business. Such was the case Sunday, when the ghost of Pat Morita surfaced on defense, swept Brett Favre’s legs and prevented his miracle comeback against the Packers.

I know this because last Saturday night/Sunday morning at 3am, a group of paranormal investigators that I found via craigslist and I visited Lambeau Field in hopes of conjuring said Hollywood icon. You see, Morita was a huge Packer fan and coincidentally, there have been numerous reports of a small, warrior-like man practicing Crane kicks on the roof and waxing cars in the parking lot at night. If this were in fact the ghost of Pat Morita, we were hoping his spirit would help settle a bet whether Chuck Norris reportedly turned down the role of John Kreese because he did not want to portray a character that reinforced a negative stereotype of martial arts. If there was time, we’d probably ask what God’s like and stuff, too.

Wearing some makeshift karate robes and Danielsan bandanas, we set up nightvision cameras and motion sensors around the stadium and walked around with voice recorders, asking questions in hopes of collecting some EVPs (electronic voice phenomenon). We received nothing but white noise until a certain sensitive subject was mentioned. “Porkchop”, our medium with limited precog abilities (who also makes one helluva Braunschweiger spread btw), suddenly spoke up. “Quiet noob, he’s here!” he told me. We looked around…nothing. “Now, Robert! Make haste with your inquiries.”

I pulled out my note card with the Norris question, but something compelled me to ask another. “Pat, do you regret appearing alongside Brett Favre in Reggie’s Prayer?” I asked. Then, as clear as the moon was full, we heard the word “Re-venge…” And with that, all of our equipment went dead as if unplugged. It was so loud and distinct and otherwordly that Clint, our tech specialist, freaked out into the night and we have not heard from him since.

That was all we captured. All of Sunday and throughout the game, I pondered the night’s previous events. If finally became clear to me on the very last Vikings’ play of the game when Favre dropped back and fell to the ground missing out on the chance to hit his open receiver in the end zone to win the game. Think I’m kidding? Replay clearly shows (at 6:15) that Favre simply fell, as though he was on the receiving end of a leg sweep from an unseen entity. Was this the ghost of Pat Morita taking revenge against his former favorite player on his favorite team going to their arch nemesis? Put that in your pipe and smoke it.