Some Further Reality TV Ideas

I woke up from a dead sleep last night convinced I had a ton of better ideas for a Packers-based reality show than  ‘Cheeseheads’ that may be airing on TBS sometime in the future. Seriously? How long did it take to come up with that title? Probably about the same amount of time it takes for one of the meatheads on The Jersey Shore to get into a drunken brawl. My potential shows don’t even require talentless moneygrubbers to make a sex tape before being cast…I cannot confirm or deny this will be the case for the TBS show.

My shows:

 1) “Athletic Supporters” – 8 rookie equipment managers are followed through the Packers’ season, beginning with initial training and continuing through OTA’s, training camp, and the regular season. Cast members are given challenges and evaluated by grizzled veterans of the equipment manager trade. Packers’ players vote and gradually the Athletic Supporters are eliminated one by one. The winning Supporter gets a permanent job on the Packers equipment staff. “Athletic Supporters” has high potential for product placement and sponsorship by sporting goods companies; it should be easy to sell to a network.

 2) “Keeping Up With the Joneses” – This is the true story of three Packers picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when the Joneses stop being polite and start getting real. Okay, there are probably trademark issues with using that as the intro, but it just sounds so cool…or at least it did 20 years ago. Not so much now. Also the title, which of course refers to trying equal and/or surpass your neighbor’s social status through the accumulation of material goods, is effectively ruined by the aforementioned amateur adult film star with no discernible talents reality show. Basic premise of this program is you put James Jones, Brad Jones, and recent draft pick Datone Jones in a house and film their exploits over the course of the season. This is pretty much cookie-cutter reality TV, but I’d rather watch this than having to suffer through Packers fans getting annihilated in Lambeau parking lots prior to games. Plus, Brad Jones plays the viola, so that’s cool.

 3) “Ball Buster” – This show would follow the exploits of Packers’ Vice President of Football Administration/Player Finance, Russ Ball. Mr. Ball stays very much out of the spotlight, so any glimpse behind the curtain into his work as the Wizard of 1265 would make for fascinating TV. He has a pretty broad scope of work with the Packers, including supervision of various departments. One of which being Equipment, so he could probably be added as a guest judge on “Athletic Supporters” at some point. Seeing how these departments function would be interesting to say the least, but the real drama would come when Mr. Ball is negotiating player contracts, hence the name of the program. Seriously, how exciting and informative would it be to see Russ negotiating with agents? I mean this guy just negotiated the biggest contract in NFL history. I think networks could make this program pay-per-view and charge whatever they wanted, and I would still watch it. Plus, the name is pretty cool.

4) “Top Chef: Tailgate” – I’m not sure Padma Lakshmi has ever been to Green Bay, but I can absolutely picture her and Tom Colicchio strolling the parking lots of Lambeau sampling chef contestants pre-game entrees. Various competitions could include creating tailgate beverages…mmmm, bloody Marys…appetizers, entrees, etc, etc. Picture this: contestants are provided a grill, a piece of beef and tongs and are tasked with a Quickfire Challenge of grilling up a tasty slab of beef before the guest judges make it to the front of the porta-potty line. Or this: each contestant must use an RV kitchen to create an entire tailgate spread for 30 people. Man, my mouth started watering just thinking of porkbelly sliders accompanied by a spicy horseradish bloody Mary. (I, of course, would be a weekly judge). The winner of Top Chef: Tailgate would be able to create one menu item featured at all Lambeau Field Concession stands and wpould take over Curly’s Pub and design and execute a gourmet quality menu for restaurant. It probably could use it.

 5) “Sausage Race” – This is obviously a hat-tip to the Sausage Races at Miller Park, however, this is actually a race. On a road. In cars. Shaped like sausages. Contestants begin the season in the Lambeau Field parking lot and race each other to the following week’s Packers’ game.  Picture Cannonball Run in Oscar Mayer Wienermobiles. Obviously, the safety of other drivers on the roads and highways would be put in jeopardy by this race. However, sometimes the best defense is a good offense, so if you see one of these Sausagemobiles flying by, feel free to spray them with ketchup and mustard, or throw cans of sauerkraut at them. All’s fair in love and sausage. Each race team would receive two tickets to that week’s game except the team who arrived last. They would be eliminated and forced to find their own way home sans sausage vehicle. The season’s winning Sausage team would be given a set of Packers’ season tickets and allowed to keep their Sausagemobile. I actually think I may remove myself from any sort of development credit on this program, so as to be eligible to participate. I’ve seen enough Vin Diesel to know I could win this.

 6) I have one more idea. Well, I have a bunch more ideas, but this one is more of my pet project than anything. Robert and I will probably execute it in my basement regardless of the potential to sell it to ESPN Reality (That’s probably going to be a thing at some point. You know it. I know it.) I’ve always thought that it would be highly entertaining to watch games with an alternate or additional commentary than that of the T.V. or radio. Robert and I would DVR a game and then rewatch part of it adding our own commentary on top of the TV announcers. If you’ve ever watched “Mystery Science Theater 3,000”, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, I feel sorry for you, and you should close this and head here. The potential material is endless…think of the Fail Mary game and what could have been added to the bungling refs and Pete Carroll running onto the field like a crazed moron. I can’t tell if I’m more excited to see a finished “Packer Ranter Theatre 4,371” episode or to sit in my basement and drink beers and watch old Packer games with Robert. Like I said, pet project….

 If you have any other ideas for Packers reality T.V. shows, please share in the comments below. You will be given full producer credits.

In the Lot

She was busty and bubbly and all sorts of feisty. Along with her menthol-smoking meathead boyfriend who supposedly knew Tanker, she had stopped by our after-party tailgate tent. Char was her name. I especially remember that because I jokingly called her “Charcoal” upon meeting her. She scowled and snapped, “the last asshole to call me that was in 7th grade and I knocked him in the nuts so hard he had to go home for the day.” I was in love.

It was week 5 of 2005 and the Packers hadn’t given much to cheer about up to that point. The Saints came into town and we took out our 0-4 frustrations on them by lighting them up 52-3 on a pleasant early October afternoon. The game felt over well before halftime and the Packers put it on cruise control the rest of the way, giving Tanker and I plenty of time to get back to the tent and get things ready for the usual run of maniacs who liked to stop by and have a few and maybe dance and little, too.

“Just look for the boxers!” This is what we told people to look for – the XXXL pair of yellow Packer boxers we strung up atop a twenty-foot pole by the tent. “Or listen for the G&R!” I added, already thinking about popping in Appetite for Destruction as soon as we got back.

Soon, I noticed Char bouncing toward the tent and singing along to “Sweet Child of Mine,” a good sign if there ever was one. She pounded the last third of her beer and flicked the can ten feet whirling into the garbage, another good sign. I popped another one and handed it to her, which she graciously accepted. We introduced ourselves and after she told me about her famous middle-school swift kick to the testicles of yesteryear, we eventually bonded both over our shared appreciation of Tony Fisher catching balls out of the backfield and our hatred of BJ Sander and the pathetic punting situation.

The normal crowd was there, too. Creeper, Lefty, Bowler, Stiffy, Big Pop, Sandypants and Candy Corn had all stopped by as planned and imbibed and ingested and altogether consumed the party at hand. Normally, this would’ve suited me just fine but the bright prospects of this new chick called Char fixated all my energies. Thankfully, the guy she came with seemed more interested in bean bags and beer bongs that he left Char fend for herself among a crowd she didn’t know. But she handled everything like a deep-fried sprinkled cupcake – that is, nice to look at, easy to get along with and tons of fun all over.

I had just cockblocked Creeper’s sloppy advances toward her by blaring “The Bears Still Suck” and motioning her to dance. She started swinging my way and things were looking good with makeout potential when all of the sudden her douche-canoe Newport 100 Neanderthal stepped in and said it was time for them to leave. It was clear Char was bummed because of all the fun but they were late for something else possibly just as great. I got a hug and she told me to stay cool and she hoped to see me down the line. I stood there as she walked away listening “the Bears still suck, the Bears still suck, the Bears still suck” taunting and couldn’t help but think that guy is the one who sucked and her relationship with him sucked and now this tailgate party sucked and now I was going to have a sucky time the rest of the sucky afternoon.

I got ripped and barked around the parking lot for a Roman knuckles match with some beer-bellied bruiser and maybe some pickled perch – something powerful to distract me from the heartbreak I was experiencing. But the buzzkill burned and I scared away the kid from Kimberly by beating my chest like a crazed gorilla. I eventually lumbered back to the tent where Tanker had picked up and was ready to go.

“Where were you?” he asked. I had no response. It didn’t matter. “I’m supposed to give this to you.” And Tanker handed me a receipt for hamburger buns from the Piggly Wiggly.

On the back was a hand-written number, a smiley face, and “Charcoal” written in cursive.

Some Positives of the Game

Lambeau Men’s Room. Nothing against the giant metal splashy room-length pee troughs of yesteryear, but I really prefer a standard urinal. One of the best moves in the renovation. Only things missing were the #4 urinal cakes.

Stadium View. The servers were fast, friendly and dressed like foxy Madonnas Saturday night at this legendary sportsbar. If you haven’t had the deep-fried white cheese curds with a side of ranch, you are seriously missing out.

Novelties. We saw a guy selling $20 pelts; we saw another offering free mustache rides. There were vendors with kitsch galore that were printed with enough obscenities for every divisional opponent and them some. Fun stuff. Still, none of them had a onsie – I knew that was a good idea!

Front Yard Tailgating. Kudos to those Green Bay residents to offer their yards for parking and partying. Saw a sign in front of one house that read “No waiting line for this rest room!” That’s worth the $15 alone if you ask me.

Crowd Noise. Considering the town felt taken over by purple at times, it was even more impressive how loud everyone was yawping. The lungs of the Packer fans were as full and fierce as I can ever recall – great work everyone; glad to be a part of it.

We’ll Never Betray You

Dear Bikini Girls,

Judging from your sign, I gather that you took #4’s departure as hard as anyone. You look so happy right now – if only there was a way to bottle that joy and sell it at Walmart for $9.99 a six pack, we’d all be rich. In the meantime, I think it’s time for you to have some new and enjoyable experiences at Lambeau… with the Packer Ranters!

Why? Cheese. Franklin and I go miles beyond your standard curd-consuming, cheddar-block tailgating chumps. We are totally into the art of cheesemaking/tasting. You haven’t lived until you’ve tried Franklin’s jalapeno and pork-flavored Havarti or my classic semi-soft sheep’s milk cracker smear. Both will be on hand during our Sunday tailgate. We have even discussed testing out to be Grand Master judges for the 2010 World Championship Cheese Contest in Madison. Come tailgate with us and we’ll tell you all about it.

Why? Loyalty. Unlike #4, who was only loyal to the Packers from 1992 to 2008, we have been diehard fans of the Green and Gold since birth. We are not subject to drafting, trades or free agency, and besides a nickel for every ad clicked on, we are not paid either. Our dedication has been and will always be with the Green Bay Packers. If you don’t believe me, I will bring a picture of my headstone, which I purchased around Y2K. It reads, “Here Lies Robert Greenfield, Lifelong Packer Fan and Winner of Anduzzi’s 1997 Packerena Danceoff.”

As you can see, the case for you to party with us Sunday is pretty strong. We’ve already got a sweet tailgating spot picked out, possibly the best in Green Bay. As soon as we get confirmation of your arrival, we’ll give you directions to meet us as well as the combination to the cheese safe.

Looking forward to your response! ~R.G.

The Perfect Tailgate

To kick off the season, Franklin and I have put together our top 5 tips to help everyone's Lambeau tailgating adventures reach their full potential. We have a combined 50 years experience at over 350 Packer games, so you know our advice is a good as the award-winning sausage from Louie's.

Franklin suggests Tunes. Or some kind of audio system. Be it the sweet system in your customized minivan or a boombox with only a cassette option, some kind of music is essential. You’ll need plenty of AC/DC and two musts are Robert Brooks' Jump in the Stands as well as the Packerena.

Robert suggests a Football. No matter what Packer you’re trying to emulate, whipping a pigskin can really bring out the best in a parking lot party. Because there’s cars, bottles, burning grills, drunkards (perhaps you’re one of them), and a million other obstacles, it requires both skill and general knuckleheadedness. Nothing will provide the same levels of exhirliration, comradery and manhood you’re looking for quite like throwing the football.

Franklin suggests Beef Jerky. You need something to gnaw on while sitting in traffic. Nuff said.

Robert suggests the 20% Rule. Whenever you think you’ve finished packing all your food and booze, add another 20%. Here’s why: You never know when you’ll meet some cool fans you’d be willing to share some Leinies and curds with, or maybe a couple of hot chicks up from Madison really dig your style and want to party. Plus, that leftover braunschweiger and kraut after the game can make that Packer win taste even more satisfying.

Franklin suggests Beer from Wisconsin. Get a wide variety of choices, all the way from Miller down to Lake Mills’ Tyranena, Pabst, Old Milwaukee, Milwaukee's Best, Point, and New Glarus. Having any sort of imported beer (in this case, "imported" refers to beer brewed outside of WI state lines) is an insult and should draw derision and scorn from your fellow Packer fans. It may even prove you are a closet Viking fan, you poser. LEAVE THE PARKING LOT AND TAKE YOUR GRAIN BELT WITH YOU!