D-OH!

My buddy Dave is a die-hard Lions fan who’s been living with his girlfriend Darcy in Chicago for a few years. On Sunday during the Bears game, Dave had planned to jump off a 250 downtown watertower with a parachute that read “The Bears Still Suck” during the game. I just got the email – he (epic) failed.

This does not surprise me. Dave is a wild thrillseeker (cars, motorcycles, explosions, swingers parties, spicy foods), but just not a very good one. To enhance the experience of his extreme endeavors, he takes drugs (another addiction) and it’s because of this that things usually go wrong.

According to his master plan, this was going to be a standard “hop and pop” off the tower and into his dropzone – a nearby parking lot at Northwestern Law School that Darcy found on Google maps and figured would be fairly empty on gameday. Apparently, he climbed the tower with relative ease (it only took four Pink Floyd songs on his iShuffle, although one song was a 15-min. live version of “Shine on You Crazy Diamond”). Feeling good and powerful and literally atop the world, he popped more mushrooms. This turned out to be a bad idea.

While he was checking his chute one last time, a quarter mile above the streets, his vision got really blurry. He became overwhelmed by the situation and began hyperventilating. He tried to harness his Chi by standing on one leg and meditating but something broke his concentration – the sudden and intense roar of the crowd from Soldier Field. Well, Dave fell over and slid right off the side of that f#cking water tower. As he flailed around like a wounded duck, instinct took over and he pulled the chute and passed out. No joke.

Dave said he was awakened by a “wrecking ball to the chest/face”. He had plowed into a chimney in Cicero, five miles from the tower. Dave learned via his helmet cam that his arms tangled in a way that perfectly positioned his elliptical canopy to catch the wind and propel him at speeds of over 50 mph west through the city. Elliptical canopies, apparently, are used in highly competitive cross-country parachuting.

The email was sent by Darcy, who says Dave is currently in the hospital. Handcuffed to the bed. Seeking legal recommendations.

The roar of the crowd? The Calvin Johnson touchdown being overturned.