Pregame Prep Talk

TROY: Hello everybody, I’m actor Troy Maclure, star of such Monday Night Football pregame shows as “Hank Williams: Beard of Truth” and “What Will Madden Say?”

But today I’d like to talk with you about rivalries. In the past, the only way to avoid to madness of a Packer-Bear rivalry was to drive to Canada and bask in the beauty of mother nature. But that’s all changed now. Thanks to years of ineptitude on Chicago’s part, even top NFL handicappers have been avoiding this game.

I’d like to introduce Dr. Nick Riveria.

DR. NICK: Hi everybody! Troy, would you like to watch the game and enjoy it, too?

TROY: I sure would, but won’t I have to pay outrageous street prices for a bag of grass that the stoners probably laced with LSD?

DR. NICK: Not anymore! All thanks to Clay Matthews. With six sacks already and a Bears offensive line with more voids than William Perry’s teeth, Matthews has the potential to continue making NFL history tonight!

TROY: Wow, Clay Matthews really delivers!

DR. NICK: That’s right! And be sure to watch Jay Cutler demonstrate that crying on Monday Night Football will not get you nominated for an Emmy.

TROY: As I said in the Erotic Adventures of Ron Jaworski, “I can’t wait to get me somma that!”