Words of Wisdom From The Butts

Warning! Oversimplification to follow! If you like talk of X’s and O’s, fluid hips, and nose tackle/inside linebacker twists then you may be disappointed…but hopefully slightly entertained.

The defensive scheme shift and overabundance of stories about it prompted me to take a brief, but extremely enjoyable trip down memory lane recently, back to my first practice of tackle football. I vividly remember three things about that day: 1) walking by one of the parked school buses and seeing the driver, Otto before there was an Otto, rocking out, air guitar and all, to Poison’s Don’t Need Nothing But a Good Time 2) the smell of the locker room: a combination of stale sweat, dirt and grass, and Old Spice deodorant and 3) Coach DeWayne Butts. Coach DeWayne Butts (he pronounced it DEEE-wanye) was about 70 years old in everyone’s best estimation, but no one really knew for sure because no one talked to him or even saw him anywhere but the football field. All we knew was that he was our defensive coach, he yelled a lot, and smelled funny (In college, I came to realize that he had smelled like E&J Brandy after I asked a girl I met at a party why she smelled like Coach Butts) That didn’t go well.

That first day, I’ll admit, I was truly green. I knew very little about the X’s and O’s of team football, I watched the Packers on Sundays, but my Grandma Beatrice, whom I was living with, hated all announcers (still does) and made me watch on mute. The only thing I knew was playground football. Through the course of the drills, I somehow got identified as a linebacker, 3rd string. That was fine with me since I didn’t know what I was doing anyway. While the 1st team offense and 2nd team defense were scrimmaging, one of the linebackers got hurt, and I see Coach Butts storm towards me. He grabs my facemask and literally throws me into the huddle while the play is being called. I line up roughly where I thought I should be, the ball is snapped, and I get bowled over by the fullback, Nick Kromlich, the biggest, strongest kid in my grade. Laying on the ground with the wind knocked out me, I hear Coach Butts screaming, “Get up, Hillside! Do it again!” Same play, same result. I didn’t even know where he came from this time. Coach Butts screaming is now getting progressively louder…and angrier. Next play, I avoid the fullback, but get knocked on my ass by the tight end. It’s now becoming a game for the offense, see who can knock Hillside down. Before I can get my feet under me, I’m being lifted off the ground by my facemask.

For the next 3 minutes, I am treated to Coach Butts' face two inches from mine, assailing me with insults, verbally abusing my ancestors, and spraying my giant coke bottle glasses with Copenhagen spittle. I honestly can feel the tears coming, but I hold them back and then he lowers his voice and whispers something in my ear that I’ll never forget: “You smack someone in the mouth, Hillside, he’ll think twice about coming back.” I look up at him and he smiles a crooked, slightly maniacal smile, breathing E&J on me, and screaming, “Do it again!”

I watch him as he trots of the field, and think, ‘That, man, is crazier than a Viking fan believing their own hype, but I’ll be damned if he’s going to yell at me again.” The ball is snapped, and I don’t even wait to see where it’s going, I find Kromlich and make a straight line for him. The next thing I know, his helmet is laying 4 yards away, and he is curled up in the fetal position. I stand up, slightly woozy, and walk toward the huddle, only to have my facemask grabbed by Coach Butts again….Are you kidding me, what’d I do this time?

He screamed, “HILL-side! That’s how you play DEE-fense, kid! It ain’t f#$%ing rocket science! Smack ‘em in the mouth! HI-YO!”

After that, I spent the whole season at linebacker. I rarely knew exactly where I was supposed to be, but I can you tell you that I took his words to heart, and I didn’t do half bad.

Am I naïve enough to think that this is the case in the NFL? Nah, not at all. But sometimes, in the midst of all the hoopla about scheme, position change, and whatnot; we forget that it’s still a game, and sometimes the only way to play D is to line up and smack someone in the mouth, something that was distinctly lacking last year.

I have heard that saying alot since that day, but it never seems to carry the same weight without a semi-crazy, possibly tipsy, 70 year old man screaming it at you. Thanks, Coach Butts.

Stop Smiling, You're Not Happy!

It’s May 29th and as of right now, the Packers season apparently hinges on the happiness of one Aaron Allan Kampman. His refusal to share his feelings with the hordes has taken on a mythic tone. He’s unhappy, nervous, uneasy, scared, terrified, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, rewhlemed, and just plain whelmed. I can’t find anything to read other than speculation as to why he has continued his silence.

Obviously like you, I’m not sure why he doesn’t want to talk, could it be because the questions would be something along the lines of how Kramer visions marriage:“You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know, how about you, how was your day?” That sounds brutal, especially standing at your locker with 40 people lobbing those questions at you. Could it be because he doesn’t have a good enough feel for it yet? Could it be because he’s got about 20 other people answering for him anyway? Ted Thompson, Mike McCarthy, Kevin Greene, Aaron Rodgers…and the list goes on.

Adding fuel to the fire is this. People are worrying about Kampman’s happiness and somehow this would be solved by getting rid of him and adding a prima donna who is demanding to be traded from a team that has taken care of him for his entire career? I don’t grasp the thinking there. Having read CheeseheadTV for awhile, I realize that Aaron says a lot of things tongue-in-cheek, so maybe this is along those lines. Hopefully, it will be addressed in the CheeseheadTV/Packerslounge/Railbird Central/Tundravision - EXTRAVAGANZA tonight. (Hope I got everyone. Seriously, that is awesome. )

The thing that stood out to me in all of this “Aaron Kampman Emotional Well-Being Assessment” doesn’t even directly relate to AK. It came out of Greg Bedard’s notes from Thursday’s OTAs:

“Everybody was raving about the way CB Al Harris is adjusting to the new
scheme.”

WHAT?!? Al Harris was penciled in to be one of the defensive stars to be an immediate casualty of the 3-4 switch, how can he be doing this? He’s old. He’s strictly a bump-and-run cover corner. There is zero chance he can adjust to the zone required in a 3-4. You can choose to believe me or not, but I suspected that Harris would be okay, because it comes down to one simple fact: Al Harris is a good football player. Given time, he can learn to adjust his game and apply his talents to new things. (Apparently he didn’t need much time). Good football players and good athletes in general can change, adapt, and even improve…over time. Kampman is, as you know, a good football player, I'd put him at 2nd best on the defense behind Charles "Ravenswood"son. He needs a little time, and I’m sure this time will be his Zoloft. He will start talking to people again, smiling, and doing his patented one-armed fist pumps with more frequency than ever before. Until that time, I’m not going to worry about the perceived depths of his depression, and I don't think you should either....unless he doesn't talk today, then I'm really going to freak out.

Update: I swear I used the Seinfeld reference before I read this. Dang it.

Great moves!

I visited Robert the other day, and we sat in his mom's basement having Old Milwaukees and and gnawing on venison jerky. Great combo that day, bad the next. He started flipping through the channels, and Saturday Night Fever was on...well, that got us talking about moves. John Travolta had them then, and we started thinking about great Packers' moves. Here's a sampling of what we came up with:

The Hurdle - One of D the Dragon's favorite Packers of all-time is William Henderson, I have a hard time arguing with that. A good fullback is fun to watch, and even more fun when they touch the ball every now and then. It was rare that Will "The Bull" ever took a handoff, but he was a very good receiver out of the backfield. It's hard to stop a freight train that's got a head of steam and Henderson was definitely a freight train, would-be tacklers usually would attempt to take him down by going for the legs. Whoop! You missed! As big as he was, William Henderson was a world class hurdler...of opponents. Rarely did the first guy take him down, he usually had to watch from the ground as Henderson leaped over his prone, embarrassed form. While it may not have been high, rather an exaggerated spread of his legs, it usually got Henderson another few yards. Great move!

The Four-Yard Shimmy - One of Robert's favorite players is Donald Driver, again, no arguments from this guy. Driver is a favorite of mine too. He's tough, hard-working, and is a great example to the young receivers on the Packers. Would Greg Jennings be as good without Driver? Just something to ponder. Like The Hurdle, my favorite Driver move both evades tacklers and makes them look stupid. Driver seems to be able to sense where defenders are all over the field even if they are coming at him from behind, couple this with his tremendous athleticism, and he usually avoids the first two defenders attempting to tackle him. #80 plants his downfield foot, and he jumps back about 2 yards, while chuckling to himself as two guys go flying by in front of him. A quick push-off and Driver always gains four more yards than he maybe should have. This sometimes gets him drilled by the third and fourth tacklers, but Drive feels no pain. Great move!

The Heat-Seeker - While a lot of these offensive moves were done to evade defenders, Ahman Green had another approach...actually, it was the complete opposite to avoiding tackles. The Batman would break through the line and actively seek out other jerseys. If you didn't have Green and Gold on and you were in Green's way, Ahman was going right through you. This is an attitude you rarely see in a running back anymore, and I, for one, miss it. Watch this for some great Ahman Green highlights, The Heat-Seeker is on display at the 0:44 mark, against the Vikings no less. Great move!

The Ten-Yard Pump - Forget the most recent move of waffling on retirement, go back a few years when 'ol number 4 could still take off downfield to pick up a few yards when no one was open or the pocket broke down. This was a toss-up for me, as I used to love when he would hand the ball off but then continue his part of the play by doing a fake jump pass even though everyone in the stadium knew he had handed the ball off. Seriously, did this ever work? I didn't and don't care, I still love it. My favorite Favre move was when he took off downfield, eyes always on receivers, and when anyone took an angle to tackle him he would pull back the ball and fake a pass....when he was ten yards downfield! Invariably, linebackers, linemen, and d-backs would all stop and get ready to make a break on the ball regardless of the fact that Favre couldn't throw it anyway as he was way over the line of scrimmage. He made so many guys look foolish with that move. During one game, I can remember Jon Madden showing the replay of it about 10 times laughing so hard at the defense he was spitting up turducken on the telestrator. Great move!

The Club - This move is legendary, surely a favorite of ALL football fans. When you can sense the split second a tackle is off-balance and then swat him out of the way with one arm like he was a fly, you have perfected a move that few others can attempt, let alone perform with success. Reggie White's signature move's beauty is unparalleled. It really was amazing to watch...I'm getting goosebumps thinking about it. Legendary move!

Got anymore? Let's hear 'em. Fill the offseason void with positives!

Birds of a Feather

I haven’t given the latest Favre nonsense much thought, not real high on my priority list to be completely honest. To be sure, everyone has an opinion and I am no different: Fade away, man, fade away. Certainly didn’t take me longer than 5 minutes to reach that conclusion. However, it took me a full hour to find a parallel individual that has walked/is walking the similarly strange path that Favre is on. I didn’t actively do this, in fact, it was about as passive as it could be in the sense that I was in my living room while the TV was on VH1. Don’t judge me. Anyway, after Rock of Love: Floor of Motel 6 was on, VH1 Behind the Music came on. Too lazy to change the channel, I just left it on and went back to reading this. Gradually, I started being pulled away from the book to the train wreck that was developing on the TV. Behind the Music: Whitney Houston. As I began paying more attention, it became apparent that it is a strange version of deja vu. Laugh if you want, but the similarities between Whitney Houston and Brett Favre are numerous….and sad.

• Both have reached the pinnacles of their respective careers garnering multiple awards and accolades
• Both have been media darlings throughout most of their careers, often having their shortcomings glossed over, until recently
• Both have had brief acting careers, Houston with Dances with Nuke LaLoosh and Favre with Derek Zoolander
• Both reached their peak in the mid-to-late 90s, both being two of the most recognizable and adored people in their respective fields
• Both have battled drug problems, one slightly more than the other
• Both tend to cry when placed in front of a camera
• Both surround themselves with family and hangers-on who have an incredibly negative impact on their lives, decisions, etc., but, hey, that’s their prerogative
• Both are becoming increasing irrelevant, and finding it hard to take
• And last but not least, both are absolutely crazy at this point...

I guess not entirely last, both make me wish I hadn't spent any of my existence thinking about the aforementioned similarities. {Sigh}

There Shall Be No Truce!

Occasional Thought: Growing up I always wondered what it would be like to play for the Packers. Now I wonder what it would be like just to play. Sometimes being an adult stinks.

Brett Favre is apparently meeting with Vikings braintrust Major Dad Childress and Wario this week. Brett Favre is simultaneously destroying whatever good graces still left in the tank with the Packer faithful.

Some fans – notably those in the TT fan club – have already said more than their goodbyes to Favre. Other fans – notably those in the BFF club – will always revere #4 no matter how many rivals he plays for. Me, I’m somewhere in the middle but definitely lean more toward the QB than the GM despite the fact both are VIPs in both GB and the NFL.

But I honestly thought Favre’s career was over after last year’s embarrassing finish with the Jets. I told myself, “I can’t blame the guy for taking one more shot. In fact, it might be kind of fun to see one more run by the Ironman in a non-NFC, non-threatening team.” With the news he is meeting with the Vikings, my tune is rapidly shifting. If he ends up wearing purple this year, you can bet the big screen you will see fans more singularly irate…more ridiculously hell-bent with revenge…more ravenously lust-filled for his destruction…basically, you’d see a stadium full of Bravehearts where Favre’s the evil Longshanks or 60,000+ Glenn Closes where Favre’s the cheating Michael Douglas. Maybe it’s half and half. Whatever, you get the idea.

Please Brett, just walk away from this one. In your quest to destroy TT, you are creating thousands and thousands of fans who would equally want to see you destroyed. Things can end now peacefully and without bitterness. I cannot say the same will happen if you go to MN. As my main man Yoda once said, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” That suffering, for you my friend, will be having to see Green Bay claim another NFC North title in 2009. After all, they are the Vikings, and we are the Packers.

Franklin Hillside Packer Bar

A wise man once said, "A man's home is his castle." Well, if that's true, then a man's Packer bar is his Bat Cave. With the economy in the tank, the library business is booming, no one wants to buy books, they just want to borrow them. Which means that by extension, the book repair business has been booming. I'm fine with this for two reasons 1) it allows me more time to sit in the library basement working and watching old Packer game tapes and 2) it has allowed me the opportunity to purchase a permanent residence. Unfortunately, it is not this place, (remember that house across from Lambeau Robert?) but it is still a decent home. Since this is my first home purchase, I qualify for the homebuyers' $8,000 tax credit. HI-YO!!! Now some people would use that money to redo the kitchen or bathroom, or put on a new roof, go on vacation or even just save it for a rainy day, but not me. All in good time. I'm taking all $8,000 and putting in a Packer bar in my basement. Since I live in Minnesota, this will be my refuge from the Purple and Gold.

Now for those other homebuyers out there, or even those of you just interested in putting in a Packer bar, I have put together the essentials needed to make it a shrine to Sunday afternoons. It even falls right into the $8,000 budget. For those of you who already have Packer bars, let me know what I've left out that you have found essential. I wish it was September.

If you are going to have a true Packer bar, it starts from the ground up. What's on the ground? Carpet. Pick up a roll @ $4.39/square ft. If it's good enough for the Pro Shop, isn't it good enough for you? I'm going with the 12X14 ft. roll for $778.08.

Next, you"ll need bar stools. I'm getting 4 of these bad boys from the Pro Shop. $139.95 each for a total of $559.80. Plop down on these and you'll want the game to go into multiple overtimes.

Obviously, you need a bar. I'm going with this oak beast, and I love the foot rail too. Not Packer specific, but that will change...It runs $1,599.oo

Everybody needs to see their Leinie's, New Glarus, Lite, or Old Mo'. Not much classier than these Mission-style bar lamps. I'm ordering three at $134.95 for a total of $404.85 of beer-viewing goodness.

In addition to the stools, you'll need somewhere to pass out...or have guests sit. To each his own. I'm going with this cushy sofa and this leather recliner.

The sofa is $699.95 and the recliner is $995.95 for a total of $1695.90.

A good Packer bar needs some legendary images on the

wall. #1 on my list is this framed Ice Bowl Sneak print for $165. I also added two more framed prints of Lombardi to complete the set. $165 each for a total of $495.

A Fathead? Why not? Classic "G". Enough said. $89.

You have to drink out of something right? I love these Lambeau Field pint glasses. I'm going with 10 @ $9.95 for a total of $99.50. Toss in 6 martini glasses for $65.70 and 6 wine glasses for $59.70. Total: $224.90

Gotta keep the hunger at bay, have some chips and dip from this tray for only $14.95. For the healthy eater, here's a veggie tray for $45.95. Got 'em both for $60.90.

Wow, took me awhile to notice this. What better place to spill your drinks cheering for another Rodgers to Driver TD than this helmet coffee table? A steal for $549.95.

If you've been keeping track, you'll notice I (or you) have $1542.62 left of my tax credit. Not anymore. 50" of Packer viewing pleasure for only $1,499.

$43.62 left over....Gone. Come on over, all are welcome.

My 2nd Date With a Bears Fan

Occasional Thought: There are things in life that are flexible. The Packers are not one of those things.

You see that watch pictured? I have one exactly like it – given to me on my 30th birthday by my godfather Stew, who used to take me to games when I was growing up. Fun fact about Stew – he has no hair from the knees down. As an insurance salesman for 20 years, he wore long, black dress socks and I think they rubbed off all his leg hair. His brother Arnie is the total opposite…hairiest legs since George the Animal Steele. Anyway, it’s my nicest (and only) watch and I thought it was an appropriate for a date night. Didn't think it would lead to the bar heckling my date.

Last we left off, Connie and I had just finished our first blind date after meeting online. We had dinner, watched a movie and played a little get-to-know-ya (no, not that kind). All of this happened with neither her affinity for the Bears nor my dedication for the Packers ever coming up. It was the polar opposite the second time around at Anduzzis. Halfway through the second High Life, I’m rambling on about this invention I once had for an office army knife and she busts out of nowhere, gesturing toward the watch, “So just how big of a Packer fan are you?”

“Pretty damn big,” I reply. “Just how big of a Bear fan are you?” I ask.

Connie smiles, stands up and announces, “Jay Cutler! Best quarterback in the division!”
She was immediately met by an entire bar of BOOS from the Green Bay locals, including me. “I’ve been living in Green Bay for two years. I’m used to it. It’s all good fun most of the time,” she tells me.

We debate Rodgers versus Cutler for another half hour and all she can hang her hat on is the 4500+ yards he threw for last year. I nail her in every other stat imaginable and top if off with Rodgers’ outstanding professionalism for three years as Favre’s backup whereas Cutler basically whined his way out of Denver. Game. Set. Match.

It was fun because it never got ugly. Maybe this will work out? After all, just think of all the odd couples over the years. Ashton and Demi. Billy Bob and Angelina. Madonna and A-Rod. Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. Michael Jackson and McCaulay Culkin. OK, forget the last one.

Curse of Tracy White Lifted

Special teams just doesn't get the attention it deserves, much like Donny Kerabatsos. That said, I have a deep affinity for special teams and special teams players. It might be because special teams play is about hard work and desire as much skill and talent. Ignoring, or at least devaluing special teams last year was a large contibutor to the Packers 6-10 record. The crowning (or actually whatever the negative equivalent to crowning is...beheading?) moment of this neglect was the release of Special Team Player of the Century, Tracy White.

This is why the Clay Matthews' pick is fantastic for the Packers. Not only do they get a starting OLB opposite A. Kampman, they get the best special teams player in the draft, and he immediately becomes the best special teams player on the team...well, outside of Braveleg Crosby. Matthews work ethic and desire trasnformed him from walk-on to star in his time at USC. Special teams play was a huge part of that:

"Obviously, coming in as a walk-on, I knew I'd have to make my name through
special teams. I was able to be co-special teams player (of the year) for
the past three years. And that does sit well with many NFL teams in the fact
that they're only allowed to dress so many players and a lot of them need to
contribute on special teams. And that's what I consider my bread and butter
and that's what got me to where I am today and to be able to play
linebacker. It's just something I really appreciate and understand the value of and would love to do for years to come."

You cannot read that and not get excited to have this kid on the team 1) lining up on D with Kampman, Barnett, and Hawk and 2) flying down the field with reckless abandon destroying all those standing in his way. I mean, he looks like a Spartan...not a Trojan.

Tracy White fact of the day: Tracy White does not get impressed. Ever. He saw Clay Matthews III play and was impressed.

BJ Raji Haiku

I woke up nervous

I woke up with butterflies

I didn't sleep much

Haunted with bad dreams

Of some more wide receivers

We didn't quite need

But that darn TT

Surprised not only this guy

But most Packer fans

The ninth overall

And first pick for the Packers

Is a guy we need

This is not a joke

This is the real deal my friends

Raji is all ours

This is a dream pick

Which has to please everyone

On many levels

Whatever happens

The day belongs to GB

And some to TT

With the Number 9 Pick.....

My Ranter colleague, John Johnson, affectionately know around here as “The Company Man”, as he has never disagreed with Packers' management under Ted Thompson, recently suggested I use The Packer Ranter as a platform for an incredibly devious draft-altering tactic. Being a man of tremendous integrity (as is Johnson usually), I dismissed him immediately. But after mulling it over for some time, I have become convinced that the idea has significant merit. It seems that Johnson has become enamored with Alabama tackle, Andre Smith....with good reason. Four months ago, he was best player in the draft and the #1 overall pick; a couple bumps along the road in the past few months have tattooed a question mark on his chest. Johnson’s suggestion is as follows: someone needs to drop a little false information to scare off the 8 teams ahead of the Packers.

You’d think it would be hard to scare off 8 teams from a stud offensive lineman, but all these teams are going to need is just a little push, they are already scared as hell of screwing up their pick. Continuing in the vein of fake Facebook friend requests and leaking false failed drug tests, I have already emailed the front offices of the Lions, Rams, Chiefs, Seahawks, Browns, Bengals, Raiders, and Jaguars the following memo:

General Manager:
I feel it is important to let you know that I recently saw a certain draft prospect from Alabama get arrested in downtown Minneapolis along with an official from the Minnesota Vikings. I understand that NFL teams are not allowed to host players at this time, so I am unsure why the Vikings are violating NFL Policy (you may want to contact the Commissioner about this). But I digress, I was driving and saw said prospect trying to run from the police officers chasing him. He was visibly winded and out-of-shape, and could not push a female police officer off his chest when she tackled him (she may have weighed all of 110 lbs.) I feel it is important for you to know this, as you are facing a very important decision for you and your franchise. I implore you to make the right one; do not draft this prospect with your first round pick. Getting arrested a week before the draft should ensure that you remove him from your draft board. Apparently, his new agent has done a good job of covering this story up, but you can never trust an agent, am I right? Good luck to you and your team in the future.

Franklin Hillside
Concerned NFL Fan

My message to Ted Thompson immediately following the above emails:

Ted,
Taken care of. You can thank The Ranter and me for the next 10 years.

Franklin

Sign Up Now

By far, the toughest ticket in pro sports is for the Green Bay Packers. Every game at Lambeau Field has been sold out since 1960. That’s almost 50 years of diehard dedication from the best fans in the world. And that’s despite having the smallest local TV market in the NFL.

With about 80,000 postcards like this one being sent out every year to hopeful fans, there’s over a 100-year wait to receive season tickets. 100 years! I mean, what other team has such dedication that people actually list family members in their will as recipients of their future season tickets? Frankly that impresses the hell out of me.

There’s other NFL squadrons with waiting lists, too. Eight other teams have waiting lists more than five years with the next-longest wait at about 30 years for Redskins tickets. That’s admirable, but nowhere near 100 years admirable. And 13 teams have no waiting list at all, including the Cowboys. And they brand themselves as America’s team? I don’t think so.

So how does one sign up? According to Packers.com, to add a name to the list, send a written request and include the name, address, phone number and the number of tickets requested (limit four) to:

Packers Ticket Office
P.O. Box 10628
Green Bay, WI 54307-0628

Good luck! Our great-great grandchildren will thank us.

Too Much Mandex, Not Enough Football

There are a many ridiculous things that occur leading up to the NFL draft. Team shrinks asking prospects about their parents' divorce and then being surprised when they don't necessarily feel like talking about it. Teams posing as women on Facebook and MySpace to try and learn about prospects' internet presence (this is seriously hilarious: "Oh, yeah, I work as a scout for an NFL team. What do I scout? Ummm...you know.....well, I pretend to be a woman and send them friend requests on Facebook and MySpace; I'm a character scout." Wow.). Leaking of drug test info...that is (allegedly) wrong. GMs trying to mislead other GMs about who they are impressed or unimpressed with. Sure, this all ends up being mildly entertaining (it would be better is they released the results of the friend requests), and it fills the time between free agency and the draft, but there is one utterly ridiculous thing that needs to be eliminated from the Draft Hoopla. This is not negotiable. It happens at the Combine and is even worse at College Pro Days.

Watch this and see if you can guess what I'm talking about.

Seeing one of the great physical comedians of our time and the Swayz' encased like a sausage from the waist down would be painful if it weren't so damn funny (that is seriously one of Farley's best skits, in my not-so-humble opinion). The combine and pro days offer this same painful viewing without any of the side-splitting laughter. Is it too much to ask these guys to wear some looser-fitting gear, like a pair of sweatpants? Spandex is for bikers and swimmers....and cheerleaders, not for grown men and definitely not for grown men who are on TV. That is, unless you are trying to get a laugh or biking through the French Alps like this guy.

In fact as long as we're changing things, why doesn't the NFL make these little show-and-tell days actually worth something? Have these guys strap on a helmet and some shoulderpads. I mean, what difference does it make if you can run fast in a straight line without your gear on? You don't see many game situations where guys are shirtless and wearing bike shorts....thank god. As long as we're at it, why don't we put two other guys out there to chase them, if they catch him, they can tackle him. Game situation here, fellas.

If you can't tell, I'm getting very tired of waiting for the draft. Hopefully, I can think of something more positive for my next Rant than whining about mandex.

Just who is Duke Preston?

For the second move of the seemingly long and uneventful offseason, the Packers acquired guard/center Duke Preston. You might already know a little about this guy – he’s built like a tank (6’5, 326), versatile on the line and McCarthy thinks “he's more of an athlete.” (Glad to hear we’re finally getting the athletes.) But I wanted to get beyond his American beauhunk frame and delve a little into the personal side of Mr. Duke. Like, what’s his favorite color? Mac or PC? Has he ever had a bratwurst? If he could only have one superpower, what would it be and why? You know, the usual.

I’m assuming Duke’s been pretty busy with the offseason workouts and cruising College Ave. in Appleton because he hasn’t responded to my emails yet. That’s OK because I was still able to pluck a few nuggets from the world wide interweb.

His full name is Raymond Newton Preston III (“Duke” was definitely the right call.) He’s a San Diego native, who lettered all four years in football and baseball – even was all-academic, which had to please Packer management. Duke’s dad actually played 9 years in the NFL with the Chargers. Here’s his 1980 Topps rookie card, currently selling for around $10 in mint condition on ebay – that tells you he was a decent player.

While pursuing his speech communications degree at Illinois, Duke played behind an all-American center in Luke Butkus. Luke never panned out as a pro and is a Bears O-line coach now. And if “Butkus” sounds familiar – and of course it does – it’s because Luke is the nephew of Mr. Dick himself. And everyone remembers Dick Butkus as the amiable owner of Klawicki’s, the apartment diner in the hit series “My Two Dads.” According to IMDB and vague memories from the late 80s, Dick left the show after three years (undisclosed reasons) and the show got canned soon after, meaning the Butkus was undoubtedly the show’s ubiquitious impetus. But I’m getting sidetracked here.

So how much of an impact is Duke Preston going to have on the Packers? No clue. But I can tell you he is one of the best golfers in the NFL, his favorite athlete ever in the world was Muhammed Ali, and he frequently dreams about going to school naked. (note: I could not confirm the dreams part, but hasn’t everyone had that dream at one point?) Everybody say, “Hi, Duke!”

You Made a Draft Machine Out of a DeLorean?

Days until the draft.....too many. It is so dead in the Packer news department that Packer nation furiously took it upon itself to analyze the Cutler-to-Chicago trade upside down and inside out and from every angle in between, basically beating it to within inches of its death. The Journal Sentinel has even taken to following Aaron Rodgers' time off (it looks like he's having fun if you are wondering) and comparing him to Jay Fiedler. Gag me.

We are also to the point of the off-season where "experts'" and wannabe experts' third and fourth mock drafts are coming out following the College Pro Days. Do I enjoy these mock drafts? Sort of, and I enjoy mocking them, as well. They are an excellent piece of fiction to peruse while waiting for the real thing. But it has now gone too far with the advent of The Draft Machine. Now every Tom, Bears fan, and Harry can create their own mock draft and submit it to ESPN. I can only imagine the presentation of this idea to ESPN management went something like:

"Have you ever wanted to be as irrelevant as Todd McShay? Have you ever wanted to not have to care about being wrong like Don Banks? Do you wish you could pretend to tell the future and have people listen like to you like Mel Kiper Jr.? Do you believe you can read the minds of 32 NFL general managers like Mike Mayock? Of course you do, and so will the masses, have I got just the thing for you: The ESPN Draft Machine."

Great Scott! PLEASE make it stop! ESPN used to be about sports news, can we get back to that simpler time? Not only did you just have to move the coffin that Kiper Jr. sleeps in during the day deeper into the bowels of The Leader to make room for a new server, you are cheapening all the REAL work these draft guys do. They do excellent research and are very talented evaluators, let them be the "experts" and stop making them do mock drafts, in fact remove mock drafts from your site and programming altogether. They are pointless, rampant speculation. Keep the mock drafts in an arena for mocking, like blogs! At least on a blog, people usually write a defense of their picks, The Draft Machine is just-drag-and-drop. Even for something as pointless as a Mock Draft, that's lazy. Draft Day, where are you????

Thank God for baseball right now!

Update: Don Banks at SI agrees with me, let these guys do more of this. Please!

My Date with a Bears Fan

A couple weeks ago, I opened the cyber door to my dating life. Things had been on the slower end and my normally golden charm at the bars was being met with rudeness and complete ignorance (as in I was being ignored completely). I will admit that maybe I was reaching by frequenting St. Norbert’s and UWGB bars, but it feels like yesterday that I was right in the mix with the twenty-somethings. (Just when did I become so uncool?) Little did I realize that there were thousands of singles in the greater Green Bay area alone who shared my frustrations with today’s scene. Enter the world of internet dating.

Within a week of posting my profile, I had already gotten almost 100 views (chicks still dig the hair!), several questions and even an invitation to play some sort of real-life Dungeons & Dragons in Oshkosh (do I look like I play D&D…wtf!). Despite some lame inquiries and casual interest, I still hadn’t gotten that mutual agreement to meet. That is, until Connie contacted me.

Connie is a 36-year old Taurus with a passion for cooking and a penchant for movies starring Jason Statham. And oh yeah – she’s a diehard fan of the Chicago Bears. Normally I would’ve discarded the email like an empty beer can but Connie was actually pretty smokin’ and the readers unanimously voted that I should give it a shot anyway (amazing response people, thanks). So I bit my lip, traded my Carhartt’s for Dockers and met her and a couple of her friends for dinner to be followed by Death Race on Blu-ray.

During the days leading up to the date, I constantly wavered between how I would react to the first mention of Chicago or some snide comment toward Brett Favre. My Packer pride runs deeper than most oceans so there would definitely be the possibility of a reaction somewhere between agitated and outraged. I decided to challenge myself by not bringing up football lest football be brought up. If it was mentioned, I would sternly yet calmly announce my unwavering allegiance to the greatest organization man has ever known, the Green Bay Packers. This would clearly establish my zealous nature and hopefully deter any negative Packer/positive Bear comments and thus the conversation/date from getting ugly.

Thankfully, it never got to that point. In between the salad, the meatloaf, the high school stories, the impressions of Balki from Perfect Strangers (don’t ask) and Mad Max-like car races, neither the Packers nor the Bears ever came up. Connie was really outgoing and friendly, and she seemed genuinely interested in my theory of comparing high school to the real world and how it’s between the Rock and Vin Diesel as to who’s today’s Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In the end, we hugged and agreed to go out again. “A sportsbar” was decided. This could get interesting…

Positively Lombardi Avenue

My biggest problem with the internet is that is gives everyone a voice. Now bear with me here because that statement has a huge fundamental flaw. Let me clarify, my biggest problem with the internet is that it gives every unintelligent, humorless, unattractive person a voice. You may also see a flaw with that statement, but just look at the picture to your left and you will be corrected. There are voices yammering over every imaginable issue, but I’m confining my editorial to the Packers and those who are sharing their thoughts on them. I’m even limiting this in scope, it’s not the blogs or news sites….it’s the “Comments” sections of these sites. For example, my favorite from yesterday:

“Need MAY play a part? Bafoon.”

Of course there’s the obligatory:

“Your an idiot” Truly.

Seriously, it’s like the Simpson Dumbening out there.

The anger and idiocy that is festering in these comments sections is appalling. I mean aren’t we all, in the grand scheme of things, on the same side? I guess not.

Criticizing, complimenting, or commenting on things in the past was done in such a more thoughtful and classy manner. In the 20th Century, editorial sections of newspapers were full of thoughtful opinions. Then in 1965 Bob Dylan knocked public criticism out of the park when he recorded Positively Fourth Street. Dylan slammed those who had criticized his gradual shift from folk to rock and roll. Seriously, listen to the song again…talk about being harsh. Despite ripping his detractors, he was eloquent and made it easy to listen to, it hit #7 on the Billboard Charts. There is a lesson to be learned from the greatest songwriter ever here, one that I can learn from as well. If you’re going to make a comment about the Packers, or a member of the team, think about if first. Add a fact or stat to your scathing commentary, or make it funny….but at the very least check the spelling. We all have opinions, but people are more likely to listen to you if you have some semblance of intelligence, a catchy tune….or good looks.

Check It Out - We Can Talk!

“Say something,” Mike said.
“OK. Something!” Ted replied. Both men laughed as they played with their new Nokia headsets.

“Ok clever guy. Now say, ‘I think Mike McCarthy is a pimp,” Mike said.
“I think… Ted Thompson is a pimp,” Ted responded, barely able to keep a straight face.
“Cheater!” Mike replied, also on the verge of losing it.

This playful banter apparently continued for a good 20 minutes before the official “Meet the Staff: The Men Behind The Jockstraps” session began. But why not? It’s been all work for two of the biggest faces of the organization this Packer offseason, so it was fitting they got a chance to goof around during a time when human cheddar wheel outfits, green and gold body paint and Leinenkugels flow like Boone’s Farm.

Of course, I’m talking about Fan Fest 2009. Though this Ranter was stuck delivering pizzas Sunday (weekends = $$$ for drivers), I did drive by Lambeau 3-4 times to catch a glimpse of the fun. Also, I wasn’t too concerned because I know like 6 people who went – each of whom I promised a ‘Large 1-topping’ voucher if they emailed me all the juicy details.

So far, only one responded: Tanker, my roommate at wrestling camp in ’87 at UW Stevens Point. Now, Tanker’s got a huge melon (and body to go with it), but as we all know, that doesn’t always translate to a huge IQ (otherwise, blue whales and cows would be geniuses), so most of the information I get has to be taken with a grain of salt. But, he usually comes through in the end. For instance, he told me that McCarthy wore a purple and teal suit. Sound weird, I know, but turns out to be legit. Just look at the picture.

That was pretty sweet gossip, but it gets even better. After Fan Fest, Tanker wound up at Anduzzi’s where Ted Thompson and some other suits (not nec. purple/teal) were gnawing on wings. Tanker tells me that he overheard Thompson, rather tipsy off whiskey/diets, say, “We need bush.” Take that for whatever it’s worth, but isn’t it rather interesting that the Packers officially signed CB Jarrett Bush to a 3-year deal Monday? Hmmm? Thanks for the scoop, Tanker. It's good to have guys like you on the front lines.

The Packer Family Spectrum

At first glance, it would seem that the Packer family is firmly entrenched in two camps, much like the Hatfields and McCoys. Fussin' and a feudin' over one, Theodore Thompson. One side believes he is the Devil incarnate, sent to banish the Packers to season after season of filth and despair. The other side believes he is a man worthy of worship and unquestioning loyalty, and questioning his judgment is sacrilege against the holiest of holies, Lord Lambeau. This is a convenient way of labelling your extended Packer family. I, however, after careful deliberation have devised a more exacting spectrum of the Packer family. This spectrum is a seven-member family, and since most well-run families are matriarchal, it is capped on both ends by strong, opinionated sisters: Great Aunt Florence and Grandma Beatrice.

1. Great Aunt Flo - There has never been anything that has ever made Flo happy. "You didn't buy anything?" "You bought too much." "Why did you get that? It's junk." Pretty much sums up how one extreme side of fans feel about the TT-run Packers. Nothing will be good enough until he is gone, they would rather lose than have him be GM, much like Flo would rather be miserable than not.


2. Cousin Kelly - Unfortunately, Kelly has low self-esteem and to counteract that, she tends to sleep with any guy she meets. She tries to keep up with her boarding school classmates from out East, sometimes she gets a date, but not two. Cousin Kelly is like the Packer fans who want to spend every last dollar on the new free agent class, getting new players just makes them feel better about themselves even for a short time.


3. Dad - Dad is fiscally responsible and sees no need to go out and buy new tools when the ones he has are working fine... and are cheaper. But he just can't figure out young people nowadays and why you would ever rely on them to do anything. Dad is the Packer fan who sees no need to overpay free agents, but he can't get over how damn young the team is, and he is utterly fixated on Justin Harrell. He will never let it go.


4. Cool Uncle Phil - Uncle Phil is the guy you always look forward to seeing at the Family Reunion. He's easy to talk to and can relate to pretty much everybody. Give him a beer and he'll talk Packers for days. Uncle Phil is the Packer fan who never gets too high or too low, he can understand each argument and tactfully present a counterpoint without resorting to petty insults.


5. Younger brother - The younger brother is a sixth year senior at UW, but it's alright. He plays bass in a jam band and gotten busted for possession twice, but it's alright. Classes and his thesis are going alright. Bro' is the Packer fan who is pretty sure things are going alright, he's not in any hurry and he thinks the best things are yet to come. A late night jam session can bring out the contemplative side, like what if we would have gotten Moss? But he forgets about it soon enough. It's alright.


6. Grandpa Ernie - Grandpa Ernie is a product of the Great Depression and veteran of WWII. He believes in saving money and not being frivolous. He also believes in leading through strict discipline, that's how his Sergeant did it and Lombardi too, he should know he watched him. Grandpa Ernie is the Packer fan who believes in sticking to your guns, once you make a choice you stick to it, you don't overpay anyone and run a tight ship. A certain veteran leader would have been nice for Ernie, but no one is bigger than the platoon.


7. Grandma Beatrice - There has never been a happier woman than Grandma Beatrice. She is cheerful and unflappable, even in the face of disaster like a burnt turkey at Thanksgiving or a season-ending injury. "We'll just order Chinese." or "It'll give the backup a chance to shine." Beatrice is the Packer fan who supports the team no matter what. The TT-run Packers are doing great and making all the right moves. "The best thing about 6-10 is we can improve next year."

All Packer fans fit somewhere into this spectrum, where are you?

Update: I had a few fingers of The Glenlivet (really any Glen'll do) while writing this, so I had to change a few typos. I also forgot to mention please, please use this to label any and all members of the Packer family, even if you have to call them a mutant cross between Cousin Kelly and Grandpa Ern.

When did you say this plan goes into effect?

So long, Colin Cole.

Good luck, Chris Canty.

In the challenge to put together the pieces for the new 3-4 defensive scheme, the Packers may not be losing ground, but they’re definitely not gaining any either. According to Thompson, “We try to build our team so that we have a front-line group, but at the same time we want sustainability during the course of a season.” Sounds like a nice plan. Let’s see how we’re doing. Front-line: Thin. Backups: Thin. Hmmm…

Thompson’s undoubtedly looking at several role players with little or no flair. Like Igor Olshansky from the Chargers, for instance, a guy the Journal Sentinel describes as a “sufficient starter or backup.” I’ve accepted the fact we’re probably not going to be getting Pro Bowlers, but doesn’t that description remind you of a player like Jon Kitna... sufficient for the Lions, but a backup anywhere else? At this point, we’re gonna need about three Jon Kitnas, two Igor Olshankskys along with a couple Yakov Smirnovs for some laughs while we wait.

This wait-and-see approach just feels like waiting for the wind to burn the coals hot enough to restart the fire. I’m just afraid this strategy may be more along of the lines of playing your lucky numbers instead of playing like you have a hand.

More sauerkraut? Always.

With the recent news that Michael Crabtree will need surgery to address a stress fracture in his foot, it bears discussion that he may be available to the Packers with the 9th pick in the draft. I personally think that receiver-starved teams like Seattle, Oakland, and Jacksonville will never let him drop that far, but just for the sake of argument let's think about it.

The receiver group of the Packers is unarguably their strongest and deepest group. Greg Jennings early season chemistry with Aaron Rodgers lead to another dominant season for the rising star, and the late season resurgence of Donald Driver proved he is still a great receiver and one of the toughest players in the game. (Side note: These two are having an off-season competition to see who has the bigger TD smile, I've got money on Driver) James Jones suffered through injuries most of '08 season, but he showed flashes of promise even with limited playing time, and Jordy Nelson filled in admirably in his rookie season. Ruvell Martin is a better fifth receiver than most teams third. Now, should Crabtree fall to the Packers due to his injury some would say that there is no way they should draft him due to the current receiver situation and the other team needs. This hasty reaction is why none of us are General Managers, but rather beer-swilling fantasy team owners (proud of it actually). If teams are foolish enough to let a talent like Crabtree pass by, then it might be in the Packers best interest to further strengthen the cornerstone of their line-'em-up-and-chuck-it-around offense.

Hold on now, don't throw your Swingline through your monitor, bear with me. I'm not fond of ever complimenting the Vikings, but in 2006 Chester Taylor, a free agent from Baltimore, finished the season with 1,216 yards and 6 TDs in his first year with the Vikings. Despite this, the next year the Vikings took Adrian Peterson with the 7th pick in the draft. Many so-called experts criticized the move due to Peterson's injury history and Taylor's recent success. However, two years later, I think you would be hard-pressed to find anyone who holds that same opinion. The point being, if you have a chance to get a great football player, you make the pick and ignore the "experts".

For the beer-swillers out there, it's kind of like eating a bratwurst. You get just enough sauerkraut before it's gone, but then someone pulls out another can and offers you some more. Technically you have enough, but deep down, you know without a doubt, that that 'kraut will make your brat even better. So you pile on a mound as tall as the Bavarian Alps.

Having said all this, I hope he's gone by 9, and the Packers won't have to make this decision. Excuse me, I have to go vomit after the positive Vikings' talk.

Dare I Date a Bears Fan?

As some of you know, this “36-year old Party Animal” recently hit the web-dating circuit in search of “good times” and “non-committal relationships.” I’ve gotten my fair share of inquiries from the greater Green Bay area but usually from chicks that either: A) don’t have a current photo or 2) send fake photos and then when I get to the bar they say, “my friend couldn’t make it, so she sent me instead.”

Saturday, however, I get this email with the subject, “Connie has agreed to a date.” Now, since I sent out requests for dates to just about every chick in the upper 75% of good looks within 50 miles, I could not remember who this Connie chick was. I immediately scrolled to her pictures and see that she’s pretty hot. Not Jennifer Aniston hot, but maybe a neighbor from Toledo or something. Even cooler, all of Connie’s additional pictures show her with a beer in her hand or some kind of party situation. Sounds pretty nice so far, right?

Well, before I could respond “Happy Hour at Anduzzi’s?” I see something that stops me in my tracks. The 4th sentence of her “About Me” description says, “Die Hard Bears Fan.” Normally, I would immediately delete the email because I’ve been down that road too many times and Bears fans suck. But there’s something about this Connie chick that really intrigues me. I mean, she obviously likes to party and she thinks I’m good enough looking to drink with. But why would she request a date with a self-described “Green Bay Packer Fanatic, Zealot, Ranter, Enthusiast, Devotee & Aficionado”? Did she even read my profile? I don’t know, there’s a lot of questions floating around.

Since I am undecided, I’m leaving it up to you. For the next week, vote on whether I should embark on this potentially perilous dating adventure using the poll to the left. If it’s a go, I’ll chronicle the whole thing and Rant about it later. Thank you for your help Packer Nation!

The Jet has landed...sort of.

Brett Favre retired...again. Meh. If you, like many, are sick of this story, do not turn on ESPN today.

The Packers' response:

"Congratulations to Brett on a remarkable career. The Packers organization wishes him and his family well. Brett always will hold a special place in Green Bay Packers history, and we remain committed to retiring his number at an appropriate time in the future."

Short, sweet, and to the point (much like this post). The key part of that statement: "at an appropriate time in the future." It seems the Packers have learned their lesson. Get it?

Please? Look at that form.

Like I said a couple weeks ago when Mike Vandermoose was screaming about the sky falling and the Reds invading a high school in Colorado, everybody is 0-0. This offseason has brought much speculation about free agency and here at the Ranter, we are no different. Robert and I have been discussing free agency with a passion. We have also been hearing a lot about who fellow Cheeseheads are clamoring for. The usual suspects come up: Peppers, Haynesworth, Suggs. I'll be the first to admit - signing one of those guys would be fantastic, but I see another guy who could come in and have an immediate impact for the Packers. A guy who will probably be available and at a much cheaper price. Shane Lechler, come on down. You're the next contestant on "The Punter is Right".

Lechler, currently with the Raiders, is a six-time All-Pro and the reigning NFL record holder for punting average (46.5). The Packers probably lost at least two games last year due the terrible punting - punting that wouldn't have made it out of the regional finals of the Punt, Pass & Kick competition. Bringing it Lechler to settle down the gameshow atmosphere that surrounded the punting game last year would be a step toward erasing that 6-10 record from memory. Lechler's average in 2008 was 48.8, 2.3 yards ABOVE the NFL record (the record he holds) for average yards/punt. The truth is, the Raiders are so screwed up at so many places, they can't afford to keep this guy around which means he should be snapped up, as soon as possible.

Now, a plan should always be in place if free agent targets and draft targets are no longer available. This would mean we would go into next season with Jeremy Kapinos as our punter. Recently it was revealed that the Vikings were looking into having Jay Glazer get Tavaris Jackson involved in Mixed Martial Arts to increase his flexibility (yes, Jay Glazer does MMA). Robert pointed out, rather astutely, why not just do yoga? To his credit, Tavaris said he wasn't interested in MMA and being Glazer's dojo partner. But this got me talking to D the Dragon, one-time Ranter contributor and semi-frequent commentor, about who could best be used to mentor Jeremy Kapinos. It was decided that the toughest Zen-Buddhist bouncer ever to set foot in Texas would need to be called in to Green Bay to continue Kapinos' development. A guy who could roundhouse a football sixty yards if he so chose. I know you have supposedly filled out your staff, McCarthy, but if you have any hope of avoiding last year's embarassment in the punting department, you need to call in Dalton and have him bring his roundhouse kick and wicked mullet. He can also work part-time security at Lambeau if you need to justify his salary.

Just sign Lechler, and we could avoid the monster truck issues that would undoubtedly follow Dalton.

What ever happened to… Chuck Cecil?

You remember Chuck Cecil. He was that mad safety that played for the Packers in the late 80s/early 90s – the guy who had a permanent open wound on the bridge of his nose as a result of absolutely demolishing the wide receivers who dared cross his path. He was arguably the hardest hitter in the history of the NFL. Think I’m kidding? Take a look at this SI cover from ’93 that screams B.A.

Chuck crushed players so brutally they had to change the rules because of him – how many players can say that? In an article his wife wrote in 2007, Chuck admits "No, I couldn't play in the National Football League today," he said. "The rules have changed." That’s because of you, sir Charles.

Cecil not only hit so hard that he not only knocked players out of the game, he also knocked himself out of a few as well. In fact, he had so many concussions he was forced to retire in ’95. So what’s ol’ #26 been up to since? Apparently, Cecil played on the Celebrity Golf Tour for a few years before getting back into the league – this time as a coach. For the last eight years, Chuck’s had a series of coaching roles with the Tennessee Titans. Word is he might even be their defensive coordinator in 2009. Along the way he had a child and married a Hollywood writer/producer, who worked on a few movies like Dogma. Not bad, Chuck. Not bad at all.

I’ll leave you with a great quote from #26, which was also in the article I referenced. "I love the game and still get excited on Sundays. I'll always have a spot in my heart for the Green Bay Packers, their fans, and Brett Favre. I was very fortunate to play in Green Bay and the NFL, bordering on the fairytale." Makes me wish we would've nabbed him somewhere along the way as one of our coaches.

There is no cold, only Trgovac.

The Packers’ hiring of Mike Trgovac has sent a serious message that cannot be ignored. Contrary to some who say it was done in an attempt to get high profile assistants because of growing unrest among Packer fans, it was done to address one issue and this one issue only that reared its ugly head last season: For some inexplicable reason, the Green Bay Packers defensive line began wearing long sleeves in the cold. This is not something that should be allowed to continue, and Trgovac will see to it that it stops. Immediately. If you play on the Frozen Tundra, you let the cold seep into your bones until it becomes a part of you, much like the desire to bury a RB three yards deep in the hole or planting a QB like he’s an apple seed should be a part of you.

Whisper the name Trgovac in World War I era Austria, and you would see hardened Axis soldiers visibly shiver with fear. The actual details of Vranzek Trgovac’s legendary feats of battle fighting for the Serbian army against the invading Austro-Hungarians during the winter of 1914 are still not entirely known. But it is said that he singlehandedly defeated two Austrian companies in one of the coldest weeks in European history. The ill-equipped Serbs often had to make do without warm uniforms, and Vranzek took this to extreme. He could often be seen on the battlefield with no boots and no shirt standing on piles of fallen foes. He was also overheard telling fellow soldiers that the heat of battle and the blood of his enemies kept him warm. The family lines get blurry following WWI, but at some point Vranzek Trgovac’s family made his way to the United States and settled near Youngstown, Ohio. I think you see where this is going. I mean how many Trgovacs can there be? It’s not exactly as common as Smith or Johnson.

Mike McCarthy has put a man whose ancestor struck fear into the hearts of his enemies in charge of a group of players who forgot their identity last year (with the exception of Aaron Kampman). The love of cold and an unstoppable battle frenzy has been bred into Mike Trgovac, and he will not quit until his troops embrace this love of frigid temps and combat as their own. The Mike Trgovac Manifesto states: “As MY defensive lineman, you have no need for long sleeves, you feel no cold, and you embrace battle with your very souls. You will crush your enemies in my name, for I am TRGOVAC!”

That’s my kind of guy. Fear Trgovac and fear The Rant.

Rest easy. The end is not, in fact, nigh.

I’m not sure if you’ve read The Watchmen or not, but if you have, you’ve seen the guy who pops up every few pages carrying a cardboard sign that says, “The End is Nigh”. He’s a crazy looking redhead wearing a beat-up trench coat and fingerless gloves. Do you want to know an interesting tid-bit about that guy? Yeah? Okay. His name is Mike Vandermoose and he writes for the Green Bay Press Gazette. His doom-and-gloom pandering to Favre-o-philes, Ted Thompson haters, and Mike McCarthy detesters is legendary in Packer “fan” circles. He is their spiritual leader. I use the term “fan” here very loosely, as no one could read and believe his negative tripe and still claim to be a fan as they undoubtedly prance around their backyards in Bear’s jerseys and tin-foil hats.

It’s sad to say, but I can bet, and feel very certain, that he was happy the Packers went 6-10 this past season, as it actually gave him something he could write about. Say we went 10-6 and made the playoffs. Couldn’t you just imagine him sitting in his office at 1:00am staring at a blank screen while the cursor blinked menacingly at him as he tried to write a positive story? I could. Take this little doozy, or this one. They are so full of anger, spite, and passive-aggressiveness; you have to begin to wonder what the Packers management did to him. “Ooooh, Mikey, did they move your chaiwr into the back duwing pwess confrwences? Ooo, po’ baby.” I mean, even when he tries to say hiring Dom Capers as Defensive Coordinator was good, he just cannot do it without filling the article with backhanded jabs.

Let's get real, in two weeks, everyone is 0-0. Time to be optimistic. But if you read Vandermoose, you’d assume that the Packers would be better off applying to get into the CFL next year rather than even taking the field. I, for one, am increasingly optimistic and excited for next year’s Packers’ squad. Changes on D, no Favre fiasco, it should be fun. As the Electric Light Orchestra said, “Don’t bring me down, Moose!” Err…something like that.

Now, Mike Vandermoose is not really the guy in The Watchmen, he’s nowhere near cool enough. But every time I read something by him, I picture a man in the not-too-distant future, wearing a dirty trench coat, shuffling along Lombardi Avenue carrying a sign saying, “The End is Nigh”. He has a slow, plodding walk and his crazy eyes never seem to be able to focus on the cars driving by and honking, full of Packer fans celebrating a Super Bowl victory.

Ted Thompson: Nice Hair. Questionable GM.

On one hand, you’ve got a GM who’s put together a young and talented team and kept us under the salary cap year after year. On the other, you have the man at the center of Favregate and the mastermind behind numerous questionable moves. When it comes to TT, I’m pretty sure the only thing Packer fans can agree on is that he has really nice silky silver hair. I mean, his hair is like the real world equivalent of J. Peterman. He must use a lot of conditioner – probably Pert Plus. Because it’s shampoo and conditioner in one, Thompson undoubtedly considers Pert Plus a double threat, much like Will Blackmon.

I could go on and on about the good, bad and ugly decisions Thompson has made so far, but in the end it all boils down to wins and losses. So why not compare Ted’s first four years as the Packers’ GM against the first four years of his predecessor, Mike Sherman. Seems logical, fair and controversial.

Ted Thompson (2005-2008)
Record: 31-33 (.484 winning %)
Average Record: 8-8
Playoff Appearances: 1
Playoff Record: 2-1

Mike Sherman (2000-2003)
Record: 43-21 (.672 winning %)
Average Record: 11-5
Playoff Appearances: 3
Playoff Record: 2-3

And Thompson had 6 years GM experience doing this versus Sherman, who had zero experience as a GM?… or as a head coach?… and he did them both, you say? Really? REALLY? Yes.

Are the Packers regressing with Ted Thompson as GM? Was 13-3 a fluke? I certainly hope not but forgive me if I’m not feeling optimistic after looking at the numbers. Say what you want, but Sherman brought us 3 NFC North crowns and we contended every year save one. With Thompson, we had one remarkable year and three flubs. I’m not saying but I’m just saying…

And the irony is that I want Ted Thompson to do well – we all should. Despite all the glaring whiteheads, if Thompson does well, so do the Packers. I could care less who’s our GM as long as the Green & Gold contends and Packer pride swells. But as long as Thompson’s team is doing crappy and he’s pissing people off in the process, he might as well be wearing purple to me.

Final Grade: C

4-Year Grades

Who is the most polarizing figure in recent Packer history? Other than, "He's going to return the punt." "No, he's going to fumble when the ball bounces off his facemask." "No, he's going to return the punt." "No, he's going to fumble when the ball bounces off his facemask" T-Buck. Ding, ding, ding! That's right: Ted Thompson.

I have decided to assign grades to Ted Thompson on his four-year tenure with Packers. I chose to ignore his first stint in the offices at 1265 Lombardi Ave, although you should check out his bio. It is an interesting read.

People Skills: F TT is notoriously prickly and lacks the muscles needed to smile for longer than 3 seconds. He keeps his cards close to his chest and will maul anyone who tries to peek. This is not a bad thing. He is a man's-man, and I would rather have a mean S.O.B. running my team than Sugar Bear (scroll to: Other Uses, #5).
Drafts: C Produced Aaron Rodgers, Nick Collins, Greg Jennings, Braveleg, and if nothing else gets a slap on the back for sheer number of picks accumulated. He drops considerably in grade when you apply his philosophy about building through the draft and then a lack of immediate production by rookies, especially in 2008. Jordy Nelson was the only draftee to see significant time on the field. I think Justin Harrell has gotten about ten second chances – don't you usually only get one? Unless, you're Robert Downey Jr., I guess.
Free Agency: C Charles Woodson and Ryan Pickett earn high marks, but Brandon "I look like Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, please love me" Chillar did little to bolster the linebacking corps, which was obviously a weakness this past season. Other than these guys, it appears TT fears free agency like it's a flesh-eating virus. Fine, stick to what you know I guess, but one free agent can make all the difference. Jordan Gross {a-hem}.
Trades: B Stingy guys don't give up a lot. TT doesn't give up a lot. Read that as you will. He stole Ryan Grant from the bottom of the Giants' RB crew. Well done, I say. Other than that, he gets a whole boatload of draft picks. Fine, when you need them for the shotgun approach.
Salary Cap: B Give it to Jennings. Give it to Collins. You saved it, now do it. If he wants to reward from within, I get that, but lining a free agent's pockets with $100 bills and Johnsonville brats can also be a productive way of spending your money too.
Northeastern WI Ric Flair Lookalike Contest: A+ Every time the camera pans to Thompson in his private suite, I'm certain he is one Rodgers to Jennings TD away from standing up and screaming, "WHOOOOOO!" You've thought of this, I know you have.

Overall: C Could have been better (Randy Moss), could have been worse (we could still have Mike Sherman). If nothing else, he provides a viable topic of conversation among Packer fans which is all anyone can really ask for, right?

The Fall Guy(s)

Following the purge of the Packers defensive coaching staff, special teams coach, and strength coach, a purge that resembled a college freshman’s first introduction to keg stands, Mike McCarthy has been on the lookout for a new Defensive Coordinator. Presumably, this new coordinator will be expected to put a slightly higher amount of pressure on opposing QBs, than outgoing coordinator, Bob Sanders. McCarthy and Ted Thompson have made Sanders and Mike Stock the fall guys for the Packers embarrassing drop from NFL elite to a team to a team with a top ten draft pick.

Being a Fall Guy isn’t easy, the daily grind of being a movie stuntman, a job where the only acknowledgement you get is in the closing credits of movie, followed by moonlighting as a bounty hunter takes its toll. Your bones creak, your face looks like a tenderized piece of beef, your defensive line consistently fails at bringing any type of pressure, you wreck your cars over and over, your linebacking corps is constantly out of position and pushed around, your punter couldn't have beat the 12-13 year olds in the Punt, Pass, and Kick competition, and you used to be the Six Million Dollar Man. This stuff is not easy to deal with. It eats at you.

I may have muddled that up a bit but you get my drift. Do I think it was the right move to let Sanders, Stock, and the other go? Absolutely. But behind every Fall Guy, there should be a more thorough examination of what led to their termination. In the case of Mike Stock and Bob Sanders, you need only look to this man. Now admittedly, Matt Mosley clowns on White a bit (I’m sure he was corrected by people with knowledge of Tracy White’s career and life accomplishments Update: He was suspended for a week by ESPN for this transgression and forced to watch clips of Tracy White’s play), but the quote says it all. Thanks, Jarrett Bush for effing that play up. When the greatest special teams player in the history of football is released mid-season, you know the Special Teams coach is sure to follow once the unit’s production suffers accordingly. Following his forced retirement, Stock had this to say about White, “He was kind of a quiet leader, because he’d take guys into the video room and sit and talk and discuss the various different aspects of the Big Four, if you will, of the return aspects and the coverage aspects of the game with the young guys.”

White’s release also lead to the termination of Sanders as well. Once Nick Barnett got hurt, Tracy White filled in admirably for him on defense….oh wait, that is what should have happened. Oh well, bye-bye, Bob Sanders.

Let’s hope in the future that Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy are better judges of talent AND leadership AND world-dominating play, or at least listen to the new coaches’ opinions on the matter. After all, what’s the point of hiring them if you cut their legs out mid-season?

Tracy White fact of the Day: Tracy White is the reason the Eagles are in the NFC Championship Game.

BRING BRETT BACK!! (as Rodgers’ backup)

Relax! Keep your voice down. Why are you freaking out? Man, I guess the name Brett Favre still conjures a few emotions despite that fact that:

A) He took a dump in New York and won’t be welcome back.

2) Rodgers played like a Pro Bowler.

Here’s the deal. Rodgers is obviously still the guy in ’09. He’s proven he’s very capable, confident and pretty darn tough too. Packer nation is lucky this guy worked out and we locked him in, otherwise we could’ve been 0-16. With Favre as the #2, he might only take a few snaps during blowout games and for those die-hard Favre fans still out there, there’d be that sliver of hope Favre would rally us to victory one more time in the event Rodgers gets hurt.

Because we all know it’s not going to be Brian Brohm. Or Matt Flynn. Or whoever the backup QB is, I can’t remember.

There’s no quarterback controversy. You have a clear-cut decision between Rodgers and Favre for the starting QB and it rhymes with Flarin’ Flodgers, not Flett Blarve.

For Favre, he can take one for the Packers in a backup, veteran role while finishing his career where it matters. It’s a chance to make amends for all the B.S. waffling he put us through. And just for good measure, it’ll be written into his contract to mentor the younger players and have them over for steak and beers or whatever social things Greybeard apparently hasn’t done since the 90s.

The players will be happy. The coaches will be happy. Favre will be happy. And perhaps most importantly, we the fans will be happy.