Keep Yourself Busy Today

There's a saying that goes something like, idle hands are the Devil's....workshop?...playthings?....tools? Well, they're one of those things, or all of those. Either way, the gist of the statement is that idle hands are not good. They are especially not good on Super Bowl Eve Day. If you don't have a plan for how you are going to spend your day, you will most likely 1) find yourself getting into shenanigans and/or 2) going crazy with anticipation. It is best to keep busy today. Put together a to-do list, or have someone you trust put one together for you.  The following is my to-do list, maybe you can draw some inspiration to keep you out of trouble:

1) Make some breakfast. Normally, I'm a cereal guy. Get in, get out, get on with the day, but today, I thought it best to take some time and savor it. I'm putting together an omelet that would make Sheboygan, Tomah, and Hayward jealous. 8 eggs, 2 brats, a brick of aged cheddar, and enough peppers and onions to feed section 112 of Lambeau. Top it off with some hot sauce and kraut, and this should take me about an hour and a half to eat.

2) Watch Rambo on Spike? Hmmm...this new one intrigues me. I'll give it a few minutes.

3) Check out Aaron Nagler's Madden sim to get a feel for how the game will go tomorrow. Wow, looks like Aaron did some extensive sideline reporting from this game.  Green Bay 34 Pittsburgh 7? That's right, indeed.

4) Impatiently stare out the window waiting for FedEx to bring my Charles Woodson Super Bowl XLV shirt...time is running out NFL Shop. You. Won't. Like. Me. When. I'm. Angry.

5) Remove ice dams from roof. Owning a house is a full-time job. I need a vacation from it.

6) Shine my framed Greg Jennings autographed photo. You've got to look sharp for the big game, don't you Greg?

7) Grocery shopping. More brats. More kraut. More burgers. More ketchup. More mustard. More cheese. More avocado for more guac. More chips. More summer sausage. More veggies. More dip. More. More. More. MOAR!

8) Visit liquor store. You know, just to look.

9) See "True Grit". Rooster Cogburn abides, man.

10) Hit up a Saturday afternoon happy hour to calm the nerves that will for sure have built up despite my busy schedule. Ummm... I may need to rethink this item, it is getting dangerously close to getting back to those idle hands that caused this list to be created in the first place. It could have a calming affect, or it could be like throwing gasoline on fire. On the plus side, that fire could conceivably keep me warm right up until game time. I will proceed with caution here.

11) Make game prediction after intensive research and number crunching. Wait, I don't even need to do that, I know the score already. Packers 38, Steelers 0.7

...okay, I thought John Rambo killed a lot of scumbags in First Blood: I, II, and III, but I'm pretty sure I just watched him double his lifetime kill total. FYI - Life expectancy of Burmese soldiers is at an all time low.

12) ....

Wait, what the hell? There's a Rambo family ranch?!?! That just doesn't mesh with my mental image of John Rambo. This is really throwing me off. I'm going to have to put this list-making on hold for awhile and make a 5-alarm spicy bloody mary and contemplate this.

NO, FRANKLIN, STICK TO THE PLAN! STICK TO PLAN!

Damn, too late.

Go Pack!

First Cut

There are flying bunnies everywhere. Cute, white, Cadbury bundles of joy with wings. I’m one of them, I think. The flock of us are flying in a natural V-shape formation somewhere, maybe South, maybe not. Up here in the warm, sundrenched sky, high above the rolling plains, I don’t really care – I’m just happy to be here with my friends. I look over to say hi to one of the bunnies and this one suddenly has red, glowing eyes. He hisses at me, exposing vampire-like fangs and I freak out. The thought of falling enters my mind and I begin my descent. Like an airplane with a dead propeller, I gradually come closer to the Earth until I crash land into a sweet budding mulberry bush that never hurt anyone.

And wake up face-first on the linoleum next to an open can of Bush beans, as hung-over as I’ve ever been in my life and smelling like a special rotting blend of tuna and turpentine.

That was six months ago – and the last time I got together with my former fourth-grade girlfriend, Kristy. Now a welder by trade with a penchant for Jagermeister and crushing beer cans between her boobs, Kristy is proud to be “just like one of the guys.” She is loud, obnoxious, crazy, temperamental and fun to be around – I’ve often thought she’d be a great subject for a reality show or documentary.

I had run into her at Anduzzi’s previously the night in question. After receiving one of her trademark bear hugs and friendly butt grabs, we played bar dice and caught up a little. She said was apparently fired for crushing cans at work (read: betwixt her hooters) the week prior and was freelance welding in the Neenah/Menasha area. I felt bad so I bought her a shot of Jager. She returned the favor. And so on, and so on, until the events that transpired could only be strung together through flashbacks, eyewitnesses and text messages.

I hadn’t intended to get sloppy drunk that night. In fact, I was only stopping by Anduzzi’s because I heard the trophies had come in for their 6th Annual Peg ‘N Keg Cribbage Tournament. I was merely going to scope them out and then go home and watch reruns of either the X-Files or Arrested Development. That’s simply what happens when you get together with Kristy. She recently left me a voicemail.

“Yo, Robbie! What’s up man, it’s Kristy. You recovered yet from that night? Hahahaha! I’ve never seen a grown man puke in a bathtub like that before. Anyway, whad-dar-you-doing for the Super Bowl besides watching the Pack kick the sh!t outta the Steelers? Let’s party! Give me a call.”

I don't think of myself as a popular person, but I do have a few options for the Super Bowl on Sunday. As it gets closer, a decision will have to get made. For the aforementioned reasons, the first to get cut will most definitely have to be Kristy. While watching the Super Bowl with Kristy would undoubtedly be a night of wild craziness fit for the Youtubes, this is one evening that I want to savor and cherish and remember the next day.

Sorry Kristy - you're out/fired. Always, R.G. P.S. Don't beat me up next time you see me please.

SB:45 Packer Fan Shanty Town - Thanks, Packnic

This morning I tossed out this tweet inquiring about yard space in the greater Dallas/Ft. Worth area. In response, die-hard Packer fan, @Packnic, thought it would be a good idea to form a Packer Shanty Town. He dubbed his plan to put it into action "Operation SB:45 Shanty Town".

You might not think that forming a shanty town is an undertaking that requires extensive planning. You would be wrong. Dead wrong....dead wrong like you got trampled by sauerkraut-starved Packer fans, driven mad with Super Bowl excitement. To create a successful shanty town, there needs to be a preparative stage to ensure that all shanty town residents are safe, secure, fed, and properly supplied with ample quantities of beer and jerky.

@Packnic took it upon himself to KNOCK THIS PLANNING STAGE OUT OF THE PARK!

Please see below:

There was some serious thought put into this, as evidenced by the following:

1. First Aid adjacent to the Beer Garden
2. Ample Brat and Beer booths, all located at strategic points within the Shanty Town
3. Cafeteria and BBQ Pit within easy access of the Jerky and Cheese storage
4. Space for Packer fans eager to be near the Texan action, but who would prefer to hang out with REAL fans rather than with corporate big shots at the game and at the glitzy parties (BTW-The Shanty Town can do glitzy. Please see: "Champagne Room")
5. Extensive restroom facilities

The next step...finding someone with a yard big enough to accommodate SB:45 Shanty Town. Please email packerranter@gmail.com with your address. We'll see you sometime next week. I'm only half kidding on this....

Thank you, @Packnic, for your hard work!

Cheese and Bratwurst Can Cause Brain Stimulation

I've been in strange mood since Sunday evening, and I can't really put my finger on what it is. Sure, I am beyond happy that the Packers are going to Super Bowl, but I haven't been as excited as I anticipated I would be. I guess it's the fact that since the Giants game I have been expecting to win. The NFC Championship victory was just a continuation of those winning expectations. When you expect something to happen, and it does, it doesn't lead to stand-on-the-table, beat-on-your-chest screaming or child-like giddiness, it's just...expected.  

Or maybe I'm just old. 

Either way, I have tried hard to figure out my mood. But then all this introspective, self-examination made me feel violated, so I moved on lest I learn something about myself that was better left buried under the massive amounts of bratwurst, cheese, and sauerkraut that I have consumed recently. Then I started thinking about what it took to get here...no, no, no not to the cheese and bratwurst induced reflection on self and psyche, but how the Packers got to the Super Bowl. 

The quick answer is stars got the Packers to the Super Bowl. Guys like Woodson, Rodgers, Matthews, Jenkins, and Jennings. The thing is, every team in the league has stars (some more than others, obviously), so that's not the full answer. What got the Packers to the Super Bowl is the combination of stars and guys like: Desmond Bishop, Charlie Peprah, Jarrett Bush, AJ Hawk, Tim Masthay, John Kuhn, Sam Shields, James Starks, and Erik Walden. These are players who either were previously written off and have come back and excelled, or who were given an opportunity to contribute due to injuries to others. Regardless of how they made it to the field, they have played phenomenally, and the Packers would be sitting at home on February 6th without them. I hope everyone recognizes what these guys have done this year. They have made the 2010 Packers a TEAM. 

A Super Bowl TEAM.

Wow, saying that got me really excited...

WOOOOOO!  Super BOOOOOOOWL! Who's got a place for me to crash Dallas?!?!?

GBP/NFC Championship Poster

My goal was to design a poster/wallpaper worthy of the matchup this weekend's matchup against the Bears - what do you think? It took longer than anything I've ever written for the site - let's just say that. It would be an honor if you used this as your screensaver/wallpaper. In fact, if you do, take a picture and send it to packerranter at yahoo.com - if there's enough, I'll make a montage to a monster ballad from the 80's!

P.S. If you click on the picture it will open in a new window...and be BIGGER.

Go Pack!

No One Should Be Scared

People have been around a long time, and as long as people have been around, they have gotten scared.  (Well, not Robert and me, but I'm pretty sure most other people have gotten scared.)  While talking to some friends recently, I learned people get scared of monsters.  I know that will come as a surprise to Robert as he happens to love monsters. So I asked these quaking ninnies what sort of monsters scare them.

Their answers:

Monster Ballads

Vampires

The Green Monster

Monster Energy Drink

Werewolves

Monsters of the Midway

Cookie Monster

The Loch Ness Monster

I nodded with sympathy while they shared with me the various monsters that they check for under their beds every night. Lucky for me these are the same monsters that I simply do not fear, as my giant sense of self-worth banishes them to their dark dwelling places wherever I go.

"Wait....Monsters of the Midway? What the hell are these?" I asked. "Horned dragons? Soul-sucking demons? Skunk apes?" My friends shuddered as I rambled off the beasts that so often made them cower in fear.

Their only stammering answer to my question, "Well...they're blue...they're ugly as hell..."

This didn't really help me understand their fear much, so I decided to do a little research. The only monster I could find that fit that description:

Ummm....my only conclusion from this, Packer fans, is you do not have to be scared of any blue monsters claiming to be "Monsters of the Midway".

Apology to Herkimer Patrons

Dear Herkimer patrons from last night,

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my actions during the Packers-Falcons game. If you were the unfortunate recipient of splashing beer during my many siezure-like celebrations, I am truly sorry. If you feel that this apology isn't sufficient, I can offer you nothing more, but I urge you to lodge a complaint directly with Aaron Rodgers who was the cause of the majority of these celebrations when he proceeded to go 31 of 36 for 366 3 and 1.

Sincerely yours,

Franklin

PS - I would also like to thank the sweet girl who found my scarf on the floor...four times. You'd think after two times I would have addressed the issue. You would have been wrong.

Bush Bash Has Been Cancelled. NO REFUNDS.

People love to bash.

I don’t like cauliflower. I think it’s evil in its eerie paleness. Cauliflower stinks to high heaven when it’s cooked, just more proof of its massive suckage. Cauliflower is the only food that by adding cheese to it is unimproved. That is no small feat because everyone knows cheese makes everything better. EVERYTHING. Cauliflower should never be placed on a plate for human consumption…unless for some reason you find that you have a living room full of Bears fans. Important tip: If you cook it, the smell should drive them away, or you could also make the jackwagons eat it until they finally give in and finally admit that The Bears Remain an Inferior American Football Squad. I wouldn’t even feed it to a rabbit if I had the misfortune of owning one of those floppy-eared freaks of nature. Seriously, rabbits are weird.

See what I did there? I bashed three things in the span of 142 words. Nice, huh? How about this one: cauliflower, the Bears, and rabbits all suck. That was only 7 words if you’re into the whole brevity thing.

Bashing. It happens. You know who Packer fans loved to bash? Jarrett Bush. You know who they can’t bash anymore? Jarrett Bush. This season it’s like someone added cheese to Jarrett Bush, and then they decided to throw in some extra gorgonzola for good measure. Read Rob Reischel’s piece on Bush if you don’t believe me. (By the way, I promise I started writing this Rant before I read that, the reason will be obvious shortly, but he proves my point with stats, and people use to stats to prove everything. 86% of people know that.)

The reason I started writing this was every blogger’s dream…the “I-Told-You-So” post, and guess who gets to do it? This guy. Okay, okay, okay…so I wasn’t exactly spot on, as Bush is not quite the dimeback the Packers are looking for, and maybe I abandoned the Bandwagon on the side of Highway 29 for awhile in the offseason....but I was the first to the start the Bandwagon, and it's been dragged out the woods and tuned up. And the whole dimeback thing, yeah, he did give up a TD in coverage against the Eagles, but Bush is on the team to be a Special Teamer, and he has turned into a damn good one. Has he reached mythical Tracy White status? Of course not, you insolent fools, no one reaches that pinnacle until Tracy White bestows you with the rank of Special Teams Demi-God (As there is only one God), but the stats and praise from Reischel’s piece are impressive.

Man, I do love it when a plan comes together….and a bandwagon starts getting filled up.

Wait....no one is on here with me yet?!?! COME. ON. Okay fine, people, when Jarrett Bush causes an Eric Weems’ fumble tomorrow, you’re all welcome to jump on. Please remember to keep your hands and feet inside at all times.

There’s no cauliflower on the bandwagon, I promise.

James Starks: A Brief History

James Starks, a name that suddenly conjures phrases like “rookie playoff hero,” “Neo” and “the green Jesus”. He is both the source of newfound mancrushes and budding folklore across Packer nation. But besides being an American football running back for the Packers of Green Bay, what do you really know about this guy? Personally, I didn’t know much so I waded through a bunch of stories to try and give us both a little more about Starks. P.S. Thank goodness this is a blog, otherwise I’d have to cite sources and that crap.

To begin, Starks is from Niagara Falls, New York where he was raised by a single mom along with six other kids in the projects. Not the greatest situation, but the Starks’ family stuck together like Acme glue with the help of his hardworking, dedicated mother who worked two jobs and jockeyed her kids all over the place. James’ older brother described him as the “biggest momma’s boy you’ve met in your life.” I love it already.

For the Niagara Falls Wolverines, James played basketball (alongside T-Wolves’ Johnny Flynn actually) and football. On the field, Starks acted like a young Michael Vick, playing quarterback and rushing for over 1,000 yards and throwing for over 600 yards his senior year. He was recruited by a bunch of big-name schools, but eventually accepted a scholarship at the nearby University of Buffalo to stay closer to his family.

Starks’ college career took some really interesting turns and he initially started as a cornerback. However, when Turner Gill (former Packers quality control and now Kansas coach) took over, Starks briefly assumed his high school position of quarterback. That is until they noticed his crazy skills as a runner and moved him to running back – full time, for good.

It was clear Starks found his niche as a runner and began to kick all sorts of ass, becoming the school’s all-time leading rusher in just three seasons and essentially turning the program around. Here are some highlights. Entering his senior year, Starks was on the map as one of the best college runners and hoping to finish with enough momentum to be a high draft pick in the NFL. Unfortunately, he received a labrum tear in his shoulder during a scrimmage and had to go under the knife, missing his entire senior year.

Entering the 2010 draft, Starks appeared to be over his shoulder injury and performed well enough at the combine (faster 40 than Ryan Matthews and Dexter McCluster) to be labeled a “potential steal.” Experts said he would not get drafted before the 4th round because of the injury, which eventually held true…AS YOU WELL KNOW, READER!

When drafted, Starks seemed very appreciative. "I'm just grateful for this opportunity and I'm going to make the most of it," said Starks. "I didn't even play a year and God blessed me with an opportunity to do something I love, I'm very grateful for it… (The Packers) said they liked my film and they were proud to make me a Green Bay Packer. I said 'Coach I'll be ready, I'm ready to come out there and work and I'll make sure you made the right choice.’”

Of course it took forever for James to get his chance with the Packers because of a hamstring injury, and he began his Packer career on the physically unable to perform list. He finally got promoted to the 53-man roster Week 13 against San Francisco where he rushed 18 times for 73 yards in a solid debut. And we all know how valuable he was against Philly, rushing 23 for 123 and catching a couple of passes as well.

Greenfield’s Analysis: Yep, he’s the chosen one alright! Sign him to a long-term deal now and begin his melon mold for Canton. There’s a few things that put me over the edge, but in the end I think his explosive, unpredictable, “pants on fire” style of running is just really, really, really, really fun to watch. And man, the timing couldn’t be better. James Starks, I salute you. Go Pack!

On Fingernail Clippers.

I've come to know a few hard and fast rules in this world, usually through extensive trial-and-error. 1) You should find your favorite pickle brand/type/flavor and always have a jar on hand 2) When you most need a Packer fan to commiserate with, you will always find one 3) You never get rid of fingernail clippers. There are many more rules I've come to know; ask me about them sometime, and I'll share, but it's the third of "Franklin's Rules for Maintaining a Happy and Healthy Existence" that I want to focus on. Yes, I realize that fingernail clippers are not really things that are discussed in public forums mainly due to the fact that the inevitable flying fingernail clippings resulting from their use are considered to be somewhat gross. Point taken, but bear with me.

Fingernail clippers are an often overlooked, under-considered tool. They are usually taken for granted and tossed willy-nilly in bathroom drawers or medicine cabinets, requiring digging and angry slamming of drawers and cabinet doors to be found. Be honest, you don't think about fingernail clippers...that is, until you don't have a set readily at hand.

Having multiple sets of fingernail clippers placed at strategic locations should be a goal of all people who like to be prepared. When making a purchase of new clippers, the old pairs should never be carelessly discarded. You will soon find out that even though you have a pair of shiny new clippers, the old clippers will invariably be needed. If you abandon your old pairs, you will soon recognize that the new pair were superior in some task than the newer model. Maybe they get the flat part of the nail better, or the corner part of the nail. Maybe they are better-suited at getting rid of painful hangnails. Perhaps they were perfect for cutting off rouge strings from clothing. Point is, they have use. Also, what happens if your brand-spanking-new clippers breaks on the first pressure placed on the lever? You NEED to have backups.

Personally, I own 4 fingernail clippers. Some older, some newer, some more expensive, but all have use. One of these I just purchased this week (at a relative bargain, I might add). Now, did I get rid of my older clippers? Hell no. I kept them around for the reasons listed above. I tossed one in my tackle box to cut fishing line, one in the junk drawer for who knows what. I'll wait and see how these two work out in these roles, but regardless, it's nice to know they're still around. I kept the new model and the expensive one in my medicine cabinet as they have been performing at a high level for me. It's not like my clippers take up a huge amount of space, so I would need to foolishly toss them away. Nope, I understand the value of having a number of them around. Nowhere on the packaging did it say, "You cannot have multiple clippers. Please get rid of other clippers before removing item from this package."

After having read this, I hope you consider how valuable a plethora of fingernail clippers can be the next time you are in need of a trim, or a quick snip of a thread, or even a clip of your 8 lb. test.

Okay, after that weird PSA, back to the task at hand...destroy the Eagles!

Oh, dang! One more thing I almost forgot to mention: congrats to Desmond Bishop on his new contract extension....

Philly, Cream Cheesed

Views from the Hillside
Last Sunday, the camera panned over the crowd and I saw two people wearing earmuffs. Now this wouldn’t be a big deal if they were women, but they happened to be two dudes. Men wearing earmuffs?!?! When did this ridiculous trend start? Men wear hats…or they freeze their ears off. There is no third alternative. The poofy, Princess Leia version and even the weird band one that goes around the back of the head are not acceptable cold weather ear-covering apparatuses. What? You’re trying to protect your hairdo? Look, sir, your hair will never be as simultaneously gorgeous and yet intensely intimidating as mine or Robert’s so don’t even bother. Wear a damn hat.

Erik Walden: 16 tackles 3 sacks, NFC Defensive Player of the Week. 6^th round draft pick released by Cowboys, Chiefs, and most recently Dolphins. Dom Capers ability to plug guys in Bill Beelichekian. (Without the cheating part)

4^th and 26^th …I remember sitting in John “The Company Man” Johnson’s living room and going from a happy-go-lucky-we’re-going-to-win buzz to a did-that-really-just-happen-sulking-drunk?!?! Also, “F#%& YOU!” Freddie Mitchell crossed my mind too.

I cannot get over the fact that the NFL changed the OT rules because Brett Favre didn’t touch the ball in the NFC Championship game. How does he repay them? Well, you watched his season. Oof, talk about ungrateful. Rule changes like this are so stupid, can you imagine the rules changing for your fantasy league playoffs? The commissioner would be duct-taped to a tree and left there until next season’s draft.

Mick Vick wet himself a little when he heard Cullen Jenkins was coming back this week. Okay, I lied…it wasn’t a little.

Ron Jaworski is the honorary Eagles captain Sunday. He just picked Eagles to win. Idiot. Jon Gruden says: “THIS guy is flat-out wrong.”

I can guarantee everyone in the “Fire McCarthy” crowd are really impressed by how the Miami Dolphins conduct their business. $8 million for a college coach? Brilliant. Not complying with the Rooney Rule, so they can’t actually hire him? Brilliant. Interviewing candidates when you still have a coach? Brilliant. “Fire, McCarthy!”

I have a man-crush on Charles Woodson, Tramon Williams, Clay Matthews, BJ Raji, Cullen Jenkins, Nick Collins, and AJ Hawk…and those are just my man-crushes on defense. I’ve also started flirting with Charlie Peprah. Yes, I am a man-whore. Don’t judge.

I believe Captain Kirk said, “Set phasers to ass-kicking.”

Greenfield's Deals
If there’s any kind of Michael Vick/Eagles montage to the theme music of “Rocky” at any time, I may in fact vomit where I sit.

Dom Capers is the effing man. There’s no other D coordinator in the league who could’ve succeeded as well as the Packers have with all the injuries we’ve sustained – no one. I’m sorry I made fun of your hair when you arrived:(

Among other things, Sunday will be a battle of jumpsuits. Rumor is Andy Reid spent a day in Milan with a team of seamstresses as they customized a stunning weatherproof, rabbit pelt-lined Gortex wonderland for the Philly coach. How will McCarthy counter?

It’s Kuhntagious! Don’t be shocked to hear some “Kuuuuuuuhhnnnn” chants from the Philly fans, too. #30 is from York, Pennsylvania and set 27 school records at Shippensburg, where I’m guessing every other play was Kuhn TD (53 in all). Side note: He’s also got a degree in chemistry. Yes, I’m cereal.

You know who else played at Shippensburg? Rob Davis, who retired a couple years ago. His 167 straight games for the Packers is only behind Favre and Forrest Gregg in team history. Nice!

You know who else is nice these days? Mila Kunis. Yowsas.

You know it’s a huge game when you’re planning on the potential for a major hangover Monday, and therefore made the pre-emptive move to schedule that as a vacation day immediately following the Bears game.

Philly is only about two hours from Scranton. It depresses me to think that the characters on “The Office” may be Eagles fans. The show has already gone downhill enough for me.

There are only two outside chances the Eagles take this one: drastically win the turnover battle or Desean Jackson has a monster game on special teams. Neither is likely to happen.
Bum-Bum-Chhhh, Ba-Bum-Bum-Chhhh, GO PACK GO!

Ron Paxton: Stylist to the Stars (or at least Jay Cutler)

One thing I still don’t get…no, it’s not how the Bears have won the NFC North. That’s easy.  They played bush league QBs in 50% of their games and then got really lucky in the other 50%.

The thing I can’t figure out is why Jay Cutler’s hair is so terrible.  

Look at that weird pile of follicles.  It’s like a mop crossed with a helmet and then dipped in reddish orange hair dye.

Does he let a drunk 8 year old cut it? That just seems unsafe…not to mention illegal to provide an 8 year old with booze.

Is he nostalgic? Does he go to his childhood barber? Because I can respect honoring the past, even if the Bears don't. (btw -  It wasn't us, but whoever named that photo is a genius.) But is his childhood barber blind? 

Does he have one of the trainers cut it? With tape scissors?

Does he do it himself?

As I pondered these options, I realized I should take the time to honor the hair gods for bestowing Robert and me with magnificently beautiful locks….done.

Okay, back to Jay Cutler’s head of disgrace. It took me awhile to get there, but I figured it out. Cutler is in Chicago, while there is most definitely a number of qualified hair-trimming technicians in the area, there is only one Ron Paxton.

 Okay, Jay, sit there. He’s going to put that thing on your melon.

  

Yep, Jay Cutler uses the Suck Kut. If there is one thing we all know about Ron Paxton’s Suck Kut, (that actually might be a great nickname for Jay) is that “it sucks, as it cuts.”

It certainly does….resemble the Bears.

From My Goiber to Yours

GOIBER (n.) An acronym, which stands for "Greenfield's Observations, Inventions, Brainstorms & Experiments Room." Also known as my basement.

It’s been said that everyone has at least one great idea. Not to brag, but I’ve had like seven so far. But this isn’t the venue to get into fingerprint identification undergarments. Instead, I’d like the share a few ideas I whipped up in the ol’ GOIBER in honor of the big showdown this weekend with the Bears.

Jay Cutler Interception Slinger
OK, so this is a like an outdoor arcade game shaped in the form of Jay Cutler. Simply load footballs into the chamber on his back and when you’re ready, yell “Hike!” The voice-activated game will begin slinging wobbly, poorly-thrown passes in the vicinity of preset trajectories. Whenever the ball is caught, you’ll hear an actual TV/radio soundbyte of an announcer from one of his career interceptions – over 75 soundbytes in all! On top of that, the Cutler robot will hang his head and cry “real” tears (you need to fill his head with water first).

Lovie Smith Checker Board
Sure, at first glance, there’s nothing odd about this, right? That is until you realize that every other NFL coach has a chess board to his name. Zing!

Oprah Show: Home Team Disadvantage
This would be a reoccurring series about Bears fans who’s hearts have been broken over the years. Figured Oprah is perfect since the show tapes in Chicago. These fans would discuss frustrations with the Bears as well as secret jealousies of Packer fans. Probably the occasional complex with Milwaukee as well.

Chicago Sucks! Toilet Paper
A little crude, perhaps. But just imagine the satisfaction and of wiping your behind with TP embossed with the Bears logo. “That take, b!tches,” you might even say. Talk about a stocking stuffer and I really think a roll of Chicago Sucks! TP offers that little added personal insight for those creepy door-to-door salesmen that come around selling you Vogue subscriptions and then use your bathroom. This will give them something to think about and also lets them know you’re probably not the type of hombre to mess with.

Other ideas are welcome in the comments section…

Merry Christmas!

And a happy New Year!

Vikings/Bears First Half Running Diary

I'm bored, so I figured I'd do a little running diary of the Vikings/Bears game. FYI - The only reason I'm watching this giant, frozen crap-fest is that it's important to the Packers.

7:35 - Man, I hate these two teams...we'll see how long this lasts as there is a South Park Christmas marathon on Comedy Central. Jay Cutler has always reminded me of Cartman.

7:40 - Would a tie help the Packers? I really don't want either team to win.

7:41 - Vikings fans wear some stupid outfits. Eric the Red would not be pleased.

7:42 - Jaws: "Brett Favre, the ultimate warrior." Ummm...no, there was only one Ultimate Warrior..actually maybe there was two.

7:46 - Percy Harvin TD. The. Bears. Still Suck.

7:50 - How long before Gruden says, "These teams don't like each other."?

7:51 - Text from Viking fan buddy: So. Much. Fun. Favre.

8:00 - So Favre's a "wily, old veteran" and "like a 23 year-old"? I'm so confused right now. Make it stop.

8:01 - Favre's healthy. He threw an INT. And I win an online sports betting wager.

8:04 - I wish Toby Gerhart would have blown Julius Peppers up on that interception. Make yourself useful, Tobias.

8:10 - It's like the Vikings are playing the Vikings, they aren't even mentioning the Bears.

8:14 - Bomb to Johnny Knox. Ugh. Double-Ugh.

8:17 - Toby Gerhart is a poor man's John Kuhn....like Bob Cratchit poor.

End of First Quarter

8:22 - Chris Harris just blew up Bob Cratchit. Tiny Tim might have felt that hit.

8:27 - Jay Cutler looks miserable. Then again, doesn't he always have that look on his face? I guess he can't be that miserable, he got away with a blatant intentional grounding.

8:31 - Is there any player in the history of football that Jon Gruden didn't love?....other than Keyshawn Johnson. Now there are coworkers, I wonder how awkward those staff meetings are.

8:32 - Favre got LIT. UP. Joe Webb, strap up. Side note: Bryant McKinnie is terrible.

8:39 - There is nothing to like about the Chicago Bears. I'm trying to think of something...anything...nope, nothing.

8:40 - Favre's return "Doubtful" We know that doesn't mean anything.

8:42 - Thanks a lot, Vikings. You could have at least pretended to show up. 17-7. Game over.

8:47 - The Vikings should start running the option, it might not work, but it'd be fun to watch.

8:48 - Gruden: "He doesn't know anything." I'm beginning to think you have a lot in common, Jon.

8:51 - This game is terrible...let's see what else is on...hmmmm...Bad Santa? (Link contains fairly un-Christmaslike language. Sorry, Grandma) "You want me to make you some sandwiches, Santa?"

8:55 - The Vikings have fallen really, really, really, extremely, drastically far in a short amount of time.

8:56 - Two minute warning. Two minutes until I go find something more worthwhile to do like....well, like anything else.

8:58 - How the hell do the Bears not know that offsetting penalties negate the play?!? Morons....and Jay Cutler pulls out his magic. I love watching him throw interceptions. They really are a thing of beauty. Seriously, that was a perfect throw to Asher Allen.

9:07 - It's a Christmas Miracle. HALFTIME.

9:16 - I don't think I would buy a Dodge Caravan from Dexter Morgan...on the other hand it might be the safe thing to do to stay off his radar....and I'm off to shovel. Night everyone.

Holding Out for a Hero (The Matt Flynn Tribute)

Where has our quarterback gone

With the season on the line?

Who's the unknown champion

To keep playoff hopes alive?

Will you be our white knight upon a fiery steed?

Late at night we toss and we turn and we dream of what we need

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be sure

And it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life

Sometime after 7 pm

Sunday on NBC

I’ll be reaching toward my big screen

To give you the courage that you need

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat

It’s gonna take a superman to beat BELICHEAT

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)!

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be sure

And it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

Up on the coast somewhere in the East

Where the ocean is somewhat blue

Lombardi will be up there above

Watching over you

Through the wind and the chill and the snow

And the New England crud

Let them feel your approach

With a fire in your blood!

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be sure

And it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life

Roary? And You Wonder Why You Fail....

"Hello, my name is Roary. Like all Lions, I have zero football talent whatsoever, but I do have a beautiful head of hair that demands respect in Detroit."

Well, at least he's respected in Detroit....but then again, does that really count for anything?

TurboDumps

I go to one game a year. I wish it were more at times, but I am thankful to get to Lambeau at least once. As if the gratuitous tweeting didn’t already indicate this, Sunday was my game. The seats come via an aunt, who owns season tickets. Like me, she only goes to one game and then sells the rest at face value (very classy). They are also excellent seats – almost eye level with the players, near the opposing bench and within spitting distance of the area where the kicker/punter warm up. On top of the close action, it makes for very intriguing player watching.

A couple of years ago Franklin and I witnessed the Packers blast the Colts in one of the best games of that season. But what I remember most about that day is Marvin Harrison sitting at the very end of the bench near the kickers. No big deal, right? Except that he completely alone, away from the other players, by himself. Quiet and observant. Never talking to anyone the entire game – just like this and this. To be honest, I couldn’t stop watching. On one hand, he might have simply been focused on the game, but to me, he just looked awkward and anti-social. Apparently he was like that in the locker room, too. Again, who knows the reasons for his behavior; all I know is that I couldn’t look away and it offered some unique insight of a player that I might not have seen on T.V.

Sunday I witnessed another player who caught my eye due to some unusual behavior – that of recently acquired 49er kicker Jeff Reed. Look that guy up sometime. Here is one of the most accurate kickers of all time with two rings. If you were a Super Bowl betting person, he would’ve been your guy. But this is not your run of the mill kicker. News outlets have labeled Reed as “quirky” and “eccentric.” Those terms are kind. I Google image-searched him and there are dozens of pictures of him with bleach-blonde wild clown hair looking like he was on spring break in Tijuana. I guess it’s not surprising he has had his share of off-the-field incidents, which probably led him to be released by the Steelers recently. Seriously though, take a look at this guy.

Sunday we saw Reed and at first glance of him in person, you can’t help but notice the size of the guy’s thighs – they are massive. According to his profile, he is 5’11 and 225 pounds. Sure, maybe his rookie year. Each of his legs has to be over 100 pounds – they are that huge. So big in fact that a rather big-boned lady in a tarp next to us cackled, “He’s got more cellulite than I do!” Classic. After gawking a little more at the massivicity (that’s a word, right?) of his bottom half, we nicknamed him “TurboDumps.” Because we’re immature and “ThunderThighs” would’ve been too obvious.

But this alone was not what made seeing TurboDumps so memorable – it was the fact he couldn’t solve the configuration of his jock strap for three hours. On numerous occasions, TurboDumps had his hands jammed down his pants (front and back – mostly back), furiously tugging and twisting and adjusting that of his undergarment puzzle. It was both shocking and hilarious and it went on all game about twenty feet from the lower level of section 125 in plain view. There were times when it appeared ol' TurboDumps had arranged things to his liking, but before you could say, “Yahtzee!” he dove right back into the complicated abyss. It even got to a point where I guess he decided he could no longer fly blind – TurboDumps literally pulled out the front of his pants and looked down at “the situation”. At this juncture, I pleaded, “Come on, man! There’s kids here!” (Tarp lady loved that.)

I wish there were a happy ending to this story, but the truth is, I have no idea if he ever successfully negotiated the mechanism. But he did make all his kicks. Maybe there was some method to his madness, after all.

1929: A Year to Remember

This Sunday the Packers will trot out their 1929 throwback uniforms, and I, for one, am incredibly excited. The 1929 jerseys will be worn to commemorate the franchise's first championship season. Seems like a good enough reason to me. By the way, any talk of jerseys always sends me running to The Green Bay Packers Uniform Database. "90 years of looking good while playing well" HELL. YEAH. Important tip: set aside some time to get lost in the awesomeness, and the blog is a must-read too.

After staring at the beautiful navy, yellow, and tan for longer than I care to admit, I realized that other than the stock market crash putting a screeching halt to the Roaring '20's, I didn't know much about the year 1929. So, I decided to hop in the hot tub, and check it out. Actually, I just headed over to the lazy man's World Book and took a look. Yes, yes, I know that I work in a library with countless volumes of historic information, but 1) plumbers don't like to play in their own toilets when they are done for the day and 2) LAZY.

So according to this venerable internet historian some really fascinating things happened in 1929...you know, other than the Packers first championship):

• Canadian women were invented: If you've ever known any Canadian dames (in the parlance of the times), this is a fantastic thing.
• A German airship flew around the world in 21 days: Up yours, Jules Verne.
• On December 3rd, Herbert Hoover announced that Americans had regained faith in the American economy: I've heard a couple presidents say that recently, the more things change...
• Popeye the Sailor Man first appeared: Spinach shortages worldwide were reported.
• That mustached bastard Stalin booted out Leon Trotsky: Soviet Collectivism was born. "I'll trade you one Lenin rookie card, for three Great Breakthrough cards" Not that kind of collectivism? Oh.

Perhaps the greatest of all events that occurred in 1929, other than Bob Newhart being born of course, is the first demonstration of the COLOR TV! That's right, H.E. Ives broadcast color images between New York and Washington. The rest, as they say is history, and Sunday afternoons have never been the same...well, maybe it took a few years for Sundays to change, but you get my point.

Therefore, to me at least, Sunday's throwback jersey will not only commemorate the first Packers championship, but also the beauty and glory that is the color TV. The color TV that allows me to watch the Packers in green and gold.

....of course it won't really matter, since Robert and I will be at the game watching in living color. So Sunday, enjoy your color TVs, and be glad you're seeing navy, yellow, and brown and not shades of black and white.

Douche United (2009-10)

A team is a group of individuals working together.

Tango and Cash, for instance, were just a couple of supercops who liked to work alone; one had a refined style and the other was a little rough around the edges. When they were forced to work together, they were able to accomplish some pretty amazing things, including but not limited to, escaping a maximum security prison and taking down a criminal mastermind.

My point is that these were no ordinary tandems – they were great. That’s because great teams are comprised of those with complimentary abilities (sometimes opposite) who combine forces to achieve a common goal. Just think of the incredibleness illustrated in seemingly polar opposite duos such as Gimli and Legolas (dwarf/elf), Kid ‘n Play (little hair/tall hair) or Hall and Oates (mustachioed/non-mustachioed). Another good example is C3PO and R2D2; a tall, uppitty robot with legs and a British accent paired with a short ‘n stubby robot with rollers who only communicated through beeps and whistles. By themselves pretty forgettable, but together… a part of history.

So what happened to Favre and Childress? On paper you have a couple of guys who look different, talk different and definitely have differing abilities. One would think that their combined powers would leave them dominating for years, but Childress was fired and Favre is having a horrible year.

For the purposes of academia, I turned to Dr. Google where I immediately discovered the root problem. As you can see, a simple query of each man’s name into the search engine reveals major overlapping themes: they are both idiot jerk douches.


Science tells us that when there are too many like qualities, you cannot achieve harmony. It’s the perfect recipe that results in chaos or useless, homogeneous matter. Just look at New Coke or the Olsen twins. Chalk it up to a failed experiment.

R.I.P. Douche United

It's Thanksgiving....Remember What That Is?

This doesn’t really have anything to do with the Packers other than I’m asking for a Packers scarf for Christmas...

What? Are you surprised at my Christmas list, sir? Strong men also wear scarves... strong men also wear scarves.

　
So... this isn’t even really about Christmas, only tangentially, I just needed a Packer tie-in. Rather this is about Thanksgiving kicking Christmas’ ass back to December where it damn well belongs. A month ago, I was at the Home Despot, and I saw a giant Christmas display. Over the past month, I kept seeing more and more Christmas displays everywhere I went.

This disgusts me.

Thanksgiving, you have gotten soft. You have let elves and fat-men in red snowsuits creep into your lands. Turkey is no longer worshipped as the majestic poultry it is; it now plays second-fiddle to a piece of candy shaped like a hook...for shame. The coniferous trees, lights, and bulbs that are so arrogantly displayed everywhere, have weakened your resolve and made you sickly and fragile. Christmas has wandered without penalty or retribution all the way into mid-October, but still you rest on your fattened backside. You are based on two things that America loves, football and overeating, yet you cannot turn this to your favor, and Christmas continues to roundly defeat you at every turn. You have failed miserably at protecting your most devout followers from greedy invaders from The North Pole, mall gift-wrapping kiosks, and back-alley tree lots. While your people worship false idols, you do nothing. Thanksgiving, you have allowed the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys to stain your hallowed reputation, and now you have invited the Bengals to openly ridicule you on a national stage. Your glorious bounty of potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cranberries, pumpkin pies, and turkey are mocked and scorned as being an antiquated diversion for people to endure while they secretly long to be buying gifts and hanging mistletoe. This is unacceptable.

If I didn’t love you so much, Thanksgiving, I would forsake you and wander away, vowing never to eat myself to sleep again.

But there is hope for you, Thanksgiving. It is time for you to nut-up, or shut-up. You need to grip the carving knife with both hands, hold it to Santa’s throat, and slowly walk Christmas’ ass back to Black Friday…at the earliest. You must purge the awful football that is played, you must put an end to people hanging Christmas lights immediately following their Thanksgiving feasts, and you must put an end to Carols on the radio before YOU decide it is time. It’s quite possible that someday you could force Christmas back to mid-December, but you need to win a battle before you can win a war, so for now, Black Friday it must be.

The time has come, Thanksgiving, to take November back, make it it yours again, and get back to being the kick-ass holiday that you are.

Now where the hell is that Christmas list...

Hillside's Journal: November 21st, 2010...

I'm not a loud, flashy, overbearing fan.

I know what you're saying, "Dude, you and your buddy have a blog, and a strange one, about the team, and you refer to it as 'The Ranter'. Not overbearing? Riiiight." Okay, point taken, but I meant more in the sense that I don't own a ton of Packer clothing, I don't have a jersey, never have, I don't have a giant Packer sticker on my El Camino, I don't have an enormous Packer flag in my back yard, I don't go out of my way to find opposing fans to talk trash to (they seem to find me), and I respect that people may cheer for other teams, as pointless as that may be for them. I've got a small wind sock on the deck, a 2007 NFC North Champs t-shirt covered in paint stains, a beat-up hat, and an 8x10 Greg Jennings autographed photo on my desk courtesy of Robert and Friend of the Ranter, John Johnson. That's about it...oh, and I may have a Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood t-shirt somewhere...okay, okay, fine. I may talk some minor trash on Twitter, but I just figure that since no opposing fans follow The Ranter on Twitter, I'm just entertaining other Packer fans...or at least we're trying to entertain them.

Some cynics out there would claim that I'm embarrassed or even scared to get all Packered up because I live in Minneapolis. I assure you, my friends, that is not the case at all, it's just not my M.O. Plus, in true Ranter-style I tend to spend too much money on beer and food to have any left for other stuff, I set my priorities and stick to them. I've lived in Minnesota for quite a few years now, and I've heard it and seen it all. One thing I've heard from Vikings fans is, "Why do you live here? You're a traitor." Or from Wisconsinites, "How do you put up with all those Viking ass-clowns?" Well, usually I have a good time laughing at the absurdity.

Well, I've decided that that may change this weekend. Why? I'm not really sure, maybe I've seen a few too many purple Favre jerseys, or maybe I've heard a few too many Vikings bloggers refer to Packer fans as "hillbillies" (which is a freaking joke because I've been to rural Minnesota...), or maybe I just had one too many fingers of Scotch tonight. Regardless of what set me off, I plan on adorning myself with every piece of Packer paraphernalia I own, and I may go find some more on Saturday afternoon to be even more annoying to Vikes fans. Then, Sunday, I'm going to the Mall of Ametrodome Field or whatever that dump is called this week. Yep, that's right, I'm going wander the wasteland of violet tailgaters, find a ticket, and attend the game. I plan on being loud and extremely obnoxious too...and I plan on rolling solo.

Having shared this plan of action with a good friend (one who is, in fact, a Viking fan), I was vehemently warned against it. "I wouldn't do it, Frank." "The crowd is brutal." 'The meathead quotient is incredibly high." "There is nothing Vikings fans hate more than a Packer fan...especially a loud one." "At the very least, you're going to get beer thrown at you." "Seriously, man, I know you after a couple tall-boys; you're going to get your ass kicked." "It might be bad for you, like pummeled to a pulp bad."

I contemplated his warnings, knowing he was well-intentioned, but I only responded with THIS.

These fans are afraid of me. I have seen their true face.

Movie Review - A Fan for All Seasons

The folks at Flicker Flacker films were kind enough to send me a preview screener of “A Fan for All Seasons.” In just a shade over an hour, this enjoyable film from Emmy winner Aaron Lubarsky documents Minnesota Vikings diehard fans over the course of the ’05-06 season. To refresh your memory, this was last year Culpepper was the Vikings’ QB and also the year of the Love Boat scandal. (I have to say, that alone brought back some fantastic memories.)

“Please, please, please let the Vikings win,” is the first line of the film, spoken by guy with the most camera time, Jesse. We see him glued to his chair in the basement, intense on the game while his family is elsewhere – they know not to bother him gameday. This scenario may sound familiar to many sports fans, but what separates Jesse (and the other subjects of the films) is that his entire life seems to revolve around the Vikings. Whether he’s traveling eight hours to see his team lose, backing up on the highway to retrieve a flag or as the co-host of his weekly Vikings cable access show, “Testosterone Live,” Jesse’s finger is more than just on the pulse of the team; I’m pretty sure he actually bleeds purple.

The film also follows the stories of other fans, whose life experiences along the way brought them closer to the Vikings. One of these is Vikings’ macot Ragnar, who claims to be the “only human mascot.” Ragnar, who is actually an Assistant Dean of Students and a recovering addict, tells his students not to lie to him or else (re: picture of him on the wall as wild, intense mascot persona at the Dome) and he even tries to counsel fans before a game he believes may have a drinking problem.

In what can only be described as the Super Bowl of their season, the Vikings play the Packers in week seven. Before the game, we get some perspective of the gravity of the rivalry and to further intensify things, the 1-4 Vikings’ season is on the line. Throughout the game, the film cuts between various fans and you get the feeling that this one game means more than anyone could ever know. Their desperation becomes so palpable that I actually found myself rooting for them – not because I want to the Vikings to win, but I somehow wanted their dedication as fans rewarded. And then it happens – the Vikings win 23-20. The reaction thereafter lies somewhere between exuberance and enlightenment. In an outpouring of emotion, there are tears of joy around and families finally come together unlike anything we’ve seen or expect until this point.

But if that game brought out the best in these fans, there are several points where the worst comes out as well – mostly by Jesse (who stereotypes Packer fans as toothless, backwoods rednecks). The irony is that he is the only person in the film who comes across as small-minded. With an accent straight out of the movie Fargo, he seems more than happy to share his bigoted perspectives on life. Like how he quit pursuing becoming a pastor because you couldn’t drink on Sundays, or equating those who don’t like sports to homosexuals, or even contemplating missing the birth of his child to attend draft day. But this is part of the package that can come with an obsessed fan, and part of the total picture Lubarsky paints for us. Sure, diehard fans may be obnoxious, crazy and irrational at times, but chances are your team has them, too.

To learn more or to purchase the film, visit their website.

I've Made Some Lists

I watched High Fidelity for about the 100th time recently, and it inspired me to come up with some top 5 lists.  If you haven't seen the movie or read the book, it's revolves around a record store owner and his failed relationships. He drinks heavily, sits around his store with his two employees nerding-out about music, insults customers, and makes top 5 lists about everything. I like to imagine this is what it would be like to work at the Packer Pro Shop, sitting around and nerding-out talking about the Packers, ALL. DAY. However, I know the reality is that the staff at the Pro Shop are incredibly helpful and would never insult "middle-aged square guy" who is looking for a pink Favre jersey for his daughter. "Do you even know your daughter?!? There's no WAY she wants that jersey!" This is something they would never say...even if they should.

On to the lists....

Top Five Things to do During the Bye Week

1. Wish it wasn't the bye week
2. Cheer against the Vikings
3. Cheer against the Bears
4. Sleep through Sunday because who cares, really?
5. Lament the fact that my homerism essentially makes my fantasy team worthless this week

Top Five Current Packer Celebrations (obviously this excludes the Lambeau Leap, as this is the greatest celebration in all of sports) :

1. The Predator
2. The Handshake
3. The Samurai
4. The Title Belt (yep, I said it)
5. The Raji Finger Flick

Top Five Quotes from Jonathan Ke Quan also known as Shortround and Data:

1. "Hey, lady! You call him Dr. Jones!"
2. "Hey I've got a great idea you guys! Slick shoes!"
3. "No time for love, Dr. Jones!"
4. "Pinchers of Peril... saved by my Pinchers of Peril!"
5. "I'm very little! You cheat very big!"

Top Five Tailgate Foods:

1. Bratwurst
2. Sauerkraut
3. Buns
4. Onions
5. More Bratwurst

Top Five Packers Dream Jobs:

1. Supreme Overlord and Ruler of Lambeau Field and Surrounding Parking Lots
2. QB 1
3. Packers Pro Shop Buyer - so I could get the Pro Shop to carry Don Hutson jerseys
4. McCarthy's Play Sheet Laminator - so I could actually see how many toss plays are designed for John Kuhn
5. Longsnapper....sorry, Brett Goode, I'm coming for you!

Top Five Things About Thanksgiving:

1. Grandma's Pumpkin Pie with real whipped cream
2. Eating until you sleep, waking up, doing it again
3. Football, football, football
4. Stuffing, lots of stuffing
5. Cranberries, not the band, although I do like band too

Top Five All-Time Packers Special Teamers

1. Tracy White
2. Tracy White
3. Tracy White's biceps
4. Tracy White
5. Anyone else on special teams when Tracy White was playing, Tracy White makes everyone better

Top Five NFL Teams (My Power Rankings)

1. Green Bay Packers
2. Everyone else...okay, so there's only two in this list

Top Five Things That Get Packer Fans Talking....or Arguing:

1. Ted Thompson
2. A Loss
3. Ted Thompson
4. The Greatness of Charles Woodson
5. Seeing the Big "G"...anywhere, anytime.

If you're bored, drop some of your own lists in the comments...and enjoy the Bye Week.

Sad Panda Needs a Hug?

In light of this weekend’s game against the trainwreck of team not from MN, I thought I’d do my best Brian Carriveau impression with a twist. I plopped around the Cowboys blogs and such in hopes of tapping into their collective pulse and what I found made me LOL. They are definitely a sad organization in more ways than one.

And here we go!

On Bloggingtheboys.com, we learn the Cowboys promoted Bryan McCann from the practice squad to return kicks. Apparently McCann can run the 40 in 4.32 “against the wind.” “Baked Potato Soup” comments that this new kicker is good, because “we have to return a LOT of kicks.”

Indeed, BPS, indeed. LOL.

Venture over to Cowboyblog.com and you’ll first notice their slogan, “The Dallas Cowboys are America’s Team.” Sure. Whatever. Then, you’ll notice this less-than-optimistic post: “Not going to win many more this season. Season is over. Wade should not finish the night as the head coach. Defense was outcoached on MNF. Don’t really care if Romo takes another snap as a cowboy. Bring in a winner for next year.”

I’m sure Jerry will get right on that.

On the Cowboys blog through ESPN, one scout suggests a secret weapon may utilize Sunday. “Where the Cowboys also had some success against the Packers last season was the slot blitz with Orlando Scandrick.” Really? I don’t remember this at all, so I’ll have to take his word for it. So Packers, you know, be sure to keep their Scandrick at bay… or else I guess.

I’m pretty sure the Fox affiliate for Dallas Fort-Worth may have just conceded the season weeks ago. Their most recent story is that Romo broke his collarbone “Monday night”. LOL.

In addition to the already horrible season, Cowboysgab.com tells us Dallas has released their top two picks (both 3rd rounders) from the 2009 draft: Jason Williams and Robert Brewster. If you recall, the Cowboys traded their first round pick for Roy Williams and then traded down from their second round. Could you ever imagine Ted giving up on two 3rd round picks after just one year? I mean, we finally just released Mike Montgomery after five years – and he was a 6th round pick! Ouch, Cowboys, ouch.

The Landryhat.com quotes a poll as to who will take over for Wade Phillips after this year. The results are as follows:

Jon Gruden — 3/2
Bill Cowher — 5/2
Jason Garrett — 4/1
Wade Phillips — 50/1
Any other coach — 1/1

But the real gem is the quote that follows. “We should all find comfort in the fact that “any other coach” is the leading candidate to replace Wade. Something has to be done to turn this team around and getting rid of the pathetic head coach is a great start.”

In a poll on the Dallas morning news with almost 1500 votes, 40% believe the Cowboys will win two games or less this year. Another 40% believe that can win 3-4. LOL if you’re lucky. In the comments after the poll, Abilene shows he feels pretty strongly about his apathy for the team: “When all things are truly considered, who really cares? I used to be a frequent blogger hoping that these opinions would be heard. They are not even seen by those that make decisions. Whether the Cowboys ever win again, this once proud franchise has been demoralized and become a source of ridicule around the league… Upon further review, I really don't care.”

Concur, Abilene. You (and the Vikings) are the butt of 95% of all jokes around the league.