I'm Trying To Be Mad, But I Like The Celery And Olives Too Much

I wouldn't have thought it possible, but the NFL owners and players have pretty much sucked the pure enjoyment and thrill of Super Bowl XLV out of me. The constant bickering, name-calling, and chest-beating has become intolerable. The two sides are about as likable as Hans Gruber, the Sheriff of Nottingham, and Severus Snape combined into one smarmy master villain. A master villain who, instead of taking over Nakatomi Plaza, taxing his subjects to the brink of starvation, or persecuting a harmless schoolboy (all acceptable pastimes for a master villain), just constantly monologues about how he is in the right and his foe is a misguided, money-grubbing fool who is trying to steal everyone's hard-earned cash.

I hate the fact that labor strife has robbed me of my desire to gloat, to wallow in my consider pride at cheering for the Super Bowl Champs while living in the heart of the crumbling Viking empire. I hate the fact that each side thinks they can win a negotiation by leaking items to the media. I hate the fact that both sides have reduced themselves to acting like kindergartners arguing over a box of crayons when there is obviously more than enough crayons to go around if they'd just share.

I've tried to turn this hate into righteous rage, but at this point, it's really just helpless annoyance. It will only turn into a Bruce Banner-like freakout if we lose games.

...or not.

You see, when games are lost, I will be furious, but it will only make me angry in the same way that a long night of tequila makes me angry. You don't know that anger? The nauseous, head-splitting anger of "I'm never drinking again"? See? I knew you knew it. The thing is, eventually, I'll always come back. I'll come back because a spicy Bloody Mary with a celery stalk, pickle, pieces of sausage and cheese, and a few olives will ease the anger and pain. Much like a dart from Aaron Rodgers that threads between two bewildered defenders left shaking their heads and staring at their hands while Greg Jennings leaves them in the dust for six will ease the anger and pain.

This is the reason that both sides continue to do what they do, because they know I, like most fans, will come back. Headaches and nausea will only last so long. Owners and players know I enjoy a little vodka mixed with tomato juice like I enjoy Charles Woodson pick-sixes to help me get through my issues.

For some reason, this makes me disappointed in myself. Disappointed in myself like a morning spent hovering over the toilet worrying that last night's tequila will make a reappearance...

Meh....nothing that a bloody and NFL football won't cure. Eventually.

Charlie Sheen's Speech to the Packers

Below is the transcript from a recent Packers team meeting involving infamous Hollywood bad boy and Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen. Coupled with notes from our insider.

The players casually enter the meeting room and take their seats. McCarthy addresses them.

Mike McCarthy: OK guys, solid workout this morning. We’ve got a lot to look forward to tomorrow. But for now, I’m excited to bring in a very prominent figure recognized around the world. He’s been kind enough to take time out of his schedule to spend some time with us and we’re happy to bring him in. Without further ado, Charlie Sheen.

There’s some heavily sniffling outside the room and in marches Sheen. He looks intense – ready to explode. Even Ted Thompson can’t look directly into his eyes.

Sheen pauses, recalls something and shakes it out of his head.

Charlie Sheen: Sorry. Brain’s firing on more rocket-fueled cylinders these days than an F-18 gone supersonic, you know? There’s enough payload in the chamber to take on God and devil at the same time. BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM! Bring it, trolls.

Let me just clear the air on something here if you don’t mind, huh? Coach? No one brought me here, OK? It’s not like I got a call asking me to stop by. No – I CHOSE YOU. I went hunting through the universe on my ion-charged mercury surfboard for someone who could actually benefit from the magic I’m dishing out. And in the end, I chose YOU. Why? Because you are the Super Bowl Champions. WINNERS. And I ONLY work with people who WIN.

Sheen forcibly writes “WINNING” in caps on the white board and underlines it 4-5x.

Charlie Sheen (cont'd): Say it with me: WIN-NING. Feels good. Wherever we go, whatever we do, that’s just how we roll. Yeah, we’ve been down. I saw your season start to hit the skids with the injuries but you came back and WON. Hell, last month I was bangin’ seven-gram rocks off porn stars. Most people would be dead. Phrrt, amateurs. Not me. Not us. Winners.

Listen. From the moment we willed ourselves out of the womb to that moment when we will ascend to that other galactic realm and beyond, we will forever be winners. Tigerblood, man. That’s for life. And we’re not going to APOLOGIZE or PRETEND like we’re NOT rock stars from Mars. That’s our constitution and we own it. Plain and simple. TIGERBLOOD, MAN! So while you’re winning Super Bowls and I’m making history as the future of evolved human intelligence, the rest of the world can go ahead with their normal, everyday boring lives and their droopy-eyed armless children and watch from a distance in absolute awe as we, WINNERS, feast like gods on the power fruit of another terrestrial realm. Winning. And if that’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye. Ah, excuse us. Out of our way – we’ve got more WINNING to do.

So what? You already know a little about winning and know how totally AWESOME it feels. Well, I will give you one second to brace your minds for a knowledge bomb death blow that could only be dealt by a Vatican assassin warlock overlord like me…. You and I – the Packers and the Sheeniac – we win. And together, we’re BI-WINNING. Boom. For those terrestrial-brained meat puppets who can’t comprehend that – bi-winning means WINNING ON TOP OF WINNING. OK? That’s like, more winning. RADICAL, I know. Together – mainly with my help – we’re going to be BI-WINNING Super Bowls for infinity.

Any questions? You, ginger, over there. I like what you got going on top of your head, you’re a WINNER, what’s your name?

Tim Masthay: Umm…thanks, Mr. Sheen, I’m Tim Masthay. Really, loved Hot Shots, by the way.

Charlie Sheen: Masthay? Thanks. Okay, shoot, what’s your question?

Tim Masthay: Any chance I can get a small bit of your Adonis DNA? I really think it could help me.

Charlie Sheen: You’re RIGHT, it would help you. I gave a bunch to Dr. Pat McKenzie just before I came in here, unfortunately it’s already been deemed an illegal PED by the NFL trolls. Sorry, Tim, but you’re already WINNING. You’ll be fine.

So, here’s my card. You may call me tomorrow between 11-11:15 after I love my Goddesses some more. I can unravel pretty quickly, so get the magic while it’s flowing, man. Just remember: Mercury surfboard. Tigerblood. Super Bowls. F-18. Winning. Vatican Assassin Warlock. More Winning. Tigerblood. Bi-Winning. Super Bowls. Boom. Sheen out.

More Meaningful: the ’96 or ’10 SB Team?

This question was recently posed to myself and a group of Packer fans. It made for such great debate I decided to ask around. Here’s what they said…

Tough question. Initially, I'm tempted to say '96 because it ended decades of futility and put an historic franchise back on the map. But for me personally, 2010 feels more meaningful because I am older and able to have a greater appreciation for how rare a SB victory is. Additionally, that '96 team was stacked and had SB expectations the whole season. Last year's team came in with high expectations, but a lot of folks jumped ship midway through the season when the injuries piled up, so overcoming that adversity and surprising everyone made the run more memorable.
~David

I gotta go with 2010. The way they did it was impressive. People counted them out as late as December. Also, for the simple fact that there's so much info/connectedness to the team as a whole now.
~Marty

2010 all day. We went through growing pains with the release of Favre and the 3-4 defense. However, Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy were strategic in their plans and brought us the trophy. Not to mention, you can't beat The Claymaker presenting A-Rod the Championship belt!
~Johnny Bigtime

I give it to 1996 by the slimmest of margins. That team was special across the board – I’d put them against any team in history. It was so satisfying to reach that point after years of bad teams and finally surpass the Cowboys (although we didn’t play them). I was at the NFC Championship game, too – best game ever I’ve ever been to in my life.
~Scooter

2010, definitely. It was much more of a Cinderella story, and there seemed to be more excitement being the underdog that kept defying the odds. The playoffs really started with the Patriots game in week 15, and even though that was a loss, it started the run of 7 nearly flawless games. What a ride!
~Gregg

Tough call, but 1996. I grew up watching some awful Packer teams in the 80s and early 90s, but it was the 1996 season that solidified the Packers into a Championship team. That title ended a long and frustrating drought of Packers championship football and propelled the Packers into a consistent playoff contender. But my vote goes for 2010 for the better championship gear - how awful were those New Orleans Super Bowl champs hats and shirts?
~Mark

2010 is the winner for me as it was a bit more unexpected with all the injuries that mounted. In ‘96 we built up to that greatness by finally getting past Dallas and making it to the Super Bowl. It was almost expected we were going to win it with our record, etc. 2011 was a year with more chaos, injuries, McCarthy bad clock management and calls, etc. Also to end my point we beat the Chicago Bears, in Soldier Field, to get to the Super Bowl and eventually win it! So we actually won the SuperBowl twice this year!!! Oh and by the way…12 is 3 times better than 4!
~Steven

'96 signified a monumental swing in the history of the Green Bay Packers, Brett Favre in his prime brought the Packers back to respectability, Reggie White showed people playing in Green Bay was not undesirable. It hadn't happened in over 3 decades. I was a freshman in college (in LaCrosse, Wisconsin) and watched it at maybe the best party I ever attended. An amazing experience.
~Alan

'10 means more to me for many reasons. First, doing things the right way pays off. Ted Thompson did things his way – the right way. A program. A Team. A discipline to not over react. A trust in a young, talented, high-character locker room. Honestly, vindication. They were right. The promise of Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews, a high-powered offense and dominant defense. The hope that the Packers can be that next great NFL dynasty. The belief there is no way it will be 13 years before they bring home number 15.
~Tony J.

There you have it – 5 to 4 in favor of the Packers most recent Championship. So who got it right and who's off their rocker? Let us know in the comments.

A Message to Green Bay & Brown County's Finest

I wanted to give a little heads up to the Green Bay Police and Brown County Sheriff's Department. I understand that you need to keep the peace and protect the citizens of Green Bay proper and the Brown County area, but I need to ask you a favor. (I'm being generous here by asking. I could just tell you.) I need you to turn the other way when patrolling the Green Bay street newly named, "McCarthy's Way". I'm not saying let every speeding mini-van or red-light running pickup with the naked lady mudflaps get off scott-free, but I am asking that when you see a 1977 T-Top Trans Am flying down McCarthy's Way, you look the other way and grab another donut or a giant piece of beef jerky.

Please?

Cool. Thanks.

You see, that t-topped, turbo-charged beauty is Mike McCarthy's new ride. Mark Murphy and muscle car enthusiast Ted Thompson gave Coach McCarthy this sweet ride as congratulatory gift after the Super Bowl. Why a 1977 Trans Am? Because as you can see above, 1) McCarthy looks damn good flashing the "Victory" sign in it and 2) his favorite actress is Sally Field, and who can blame him for that?

I appreciate your consideration on this matter. After all, if you have a street named after you, you should be able to enjoy it to the fullest extent, and I hope McCarthy does that....by whipping donuts and outrunning Staties.

PS - To the Green Bay City Council member who opposes this street re-naming as "frivolous spending", I ask that you think about how much money the Green Bay Packers contribute to your city's budget....I'll wait.

Yeaaaah, that's pretty frivolous too right?

Wait, are you a Favre fan? Oh, that explains it....

Displaced Fan’s Account of Super Bowl XLV

Last Sunday over 100,000 fans experienced one of the biggest and most-hyped Super Bowls of all time, live and in-person in Dallas. But for a comparatively unfortunate handful, Super Bowl Sunday turned a super nightmare. Such was the case for a personal friend of mine who made the journey to Dallas with his significant other. Here is what he told me of his experience of his first – and perhaps last – Super Bowl. We’ll call him Mark. (P.S. I know the Ranter isn’t exactly known for journalistic integrity, but I assure you this is a real account.)

Judging from the pictures he was texting me early that day, Mark seemed to be having a great time in Dallas despite the weather. He tells me that he and some friends got to the stadium several hours in advance to walk about the spectacle that is Jerry’s World. After a 25-minute trek through tents and security pat-downs, Mark stepped up to a ticket scanner. And that’s where things started going sour.

His tickets were coming up with a big invalid “X”. Not sure what was going on, Mark was told there might be an issue with the bar code and had to visit the ticket resolution center, a half-mile or more away. Slightly embarrassed and unsure, Mark began walking, trying not to get upset. After all, it was still hours until kickoff. When he arrived at the tent, it was clear he was not alone. There was already a massive line of people who all received the same rejection as Mark at the gate, and they appeared more than just annoyed.

“They were just pissed,” Mark said. “But nobody knew what was going on. We were eventually told our tickets were unusable. I was wondering if Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out and say I was Punk’d.”

Sometime after 3pm, Mark and the others were moved into an area called the Party Plaza, a fenced-in tailgate-style section without bathrooms. Apparently, there was food and drinks, but definitely not free. There, a frustrated Mark and hundreds like him were subject to more idle downtime while those in charge from afar seemingly tried to decide just what to do with the displaced herd of ticketholders without seats.

During the waiting, Mark met a variety of people, including a 91-year old man who had driven all the way down with his grandson to Dallas from Chicago. “We felt so bad for them. We were like, ‘this isn’t the end of the world for us.’ We just felt so bad. This wasn’t right at all.”

At this point (roughly around 4pm) with no reliable information coming, the agitation levels were peaking. People were chanting “Jerry sucks!” and one guy began screaming “class action law suit!” while violently shaking the face that held him in.

The crowd was finally told they were going to be let it. Mark and friend followed the crowd to whatever entrance they were being led. “I never felt like more of a reject in my life,” he said. When they got into the stadium, they tried to flag down anyone wearing an earpiece, thinking they might know what was going on. Without any real explanation so far, Mark was still hoping the situation would be resolved and he could get a seat. Sadly, this wasn’t the case. Now, 45 minutes until kickoff, Mark and others were ushered into an elevator and led to a ground floor area called the Miller Lite Club, again wondering if he was being Punk’d.

“It was more like a holding pen,” Mark said. According to him, this area was actually about five feet below the playing surface, so that they could “only see legs.” Mark said they couldn’t see any of the game and were bunched together several deep, trying to make sense of the game on monitors that had a 40-second audio delay. “We strangely got used to that,” he said.

During the first quarter, these apology letters were handed out.

Sometime during the 2nd quarter, the displaced ticket-holders were then offered vouchers for free drinks. But shockingly, there was a catch – a tab maximum was placed so that twenty minutes and one free drink later, everything was back to normal price ($10 for a 12-ounce beer, he said.) In the 3rd quarter they were given sandwiches and a small buffet including mac ‘n cheese. People were standing in entryways three- and four-deep (apparently allowed) and doing whatever they could to catch a glimpse of live action.

“At this point, we just felt like a nuisance and a reject, like we were somehow ruining it for everyone else… We barely watched the game and saw nothing live at all. It was a complete disappointment. Kids were crying. Old ladies were crying. It was like, ‘this is it? This is what is comes down to?’”

In the 4th quarter, they were given what Mark refers to as a “Sorry Sack,” which included a t-shirt, hat and a program. There were rumblings they would be able to go onto the field after the game. An NFL representative eventually came around and apologized, exchanged emails with the displaced fans, and said they wanted to make it right.

One of the few highlights for Mark came after the game, roughly twenty minutes after the Lombardi trophy presentation when they were in fact allowed on field (in another gated-in area). “That was kind of neat. They were trying to make something right,” he said. He was able to take this picture of John Kuhn.

As I write this, Mark is waiting in the Dallas airport, disappointed from the experience and ready to return home. I give Mark a lot of credit for taking this as well as he has. There are certainly people who went through the same hassles and runaround – who got the same sporadic information and who effectively missed the Super Bowl they traveled to see – who are many times more livid than Mark.

I decided to ask Mark if there anything the NFL could do to make it up to him. He replied, “Yeah – not let it happen in the first place. This shouldn’t have happened. They knew about it. This is like being a kid and going to Disneyworld and finding out it it’s closed. We didn’t get to even see the Lombardi presentation. We could’ve seen this all at home, and been a lot more comfortable. It’s not about the money, it’s about the experience and a lot of people lost out on that. They could’ve let us shake every player’s hand, but they’re not going to fix the fact we missed the Packers win the Super Bowl.”

Update: Since this posting, an NFL representative has contacted me in hopes of reaching Mark to inform him of the new options as announced by Commissioner Roger Goodell. This offer, available to all of the 400 affected ticketholders, now includes a free ticket to a future Super Bowl of his choice, airfare and accommodations. Complete details can be found on NFL.com. While there will surely be several lessons learned from this experience, I applaud the NFL for trying to make things right. Though I cannot speak for him, I believe Mark will be satisfied.

Fields of Green and Gold

These are a few random thoughts in no particular order.

*I am in a good mood. Not too overfed with the many sweet tastes of victory – still need to perform the daily functions of jerky tenderizing, managing the DVR and emailing news organizations regarding the under-reported groundswell of rabid, malicious squirrels in the area. I mean, they’re not even scared of us anymore! But I’m also not too stubborn to hide this perma-grin, either.

*There was little doubt in my mind this would be the biggest Super Bowl of all time. All the elements were in place. Huge, rabid fan bases. NFL stars galore. Storied franchises. A billion-dollar stadium. A million-and-one angles. Lockout on the horizon. Google. iPhone. Twitter. To my knowledge, this is the only event in history that could bring together the likes of A-Rod, Harry Ford, Fergie, Aaron Rodgers and Brian Carriveau.

*It is just so damn amazing what happened yesterday… last week… this whole season that I can’t wrap my head around it. I want to relive it all – preferably through a 3D virtual reality, multi-sensory adventure designed by James Cameron. (I will probably just buy Super Bowl XLV Champions DVD instead.)

*I just heard on Green and Gold that this could be the greatest year in Wisconsin sports history. Badger football in the Rose Bowl, Packers SB champs, Brewers may make the playoffs, etc. I find it funny (because it’s true) that the Lombardi trophy can compensate for shortcomings in the other teams.

*The Super Bowl ads were weak, again. I give a lot credit to the ad agencies for this – just how in the hell did you convince your client to spend millions of dollars on such uncreative, retreaded garbage? Next year, call the Ranter. We work for meat and cheese.

*Isn’t it amazing the way we neutralized Troy Polamalu and James Harrison? Polamalu was Defensive Player of the Year and Harrison finished third. They combined for a whopping four tackles and one sack. Folks, that is all about great game-planning and an amazing performance by Rodgers to read, react, avoid them, etc. SB MVP is right.

*I let myself down by not getting around to designing a poster like I did for the NFC Championship game. There were so many great compliments for that one. Make no mistake, it’s on my mind and something I am all but guaranteeing will happen soon. I am currently on the hunt for some inspiration, which will probably come in the form of medieval warrior or futuristic concept art. Be on the lookout!

*Congratulations to the Packers in every way possible. I literally like every single guy (to varying degrees) on the team, and am happy for them all. This was not only a team win, this was also an organizational win. This has class and dynasty written all over it. It's good to be a Packer fan.

Keep Yourself Busy Today

There's a saying that goes something like, idle hands are the Devil's....workshop?...playthings?....tools? Well, they're one of those things, or all of those. Either way, the gist of the statement is that idle hands are not good. They are especially not good on Super Bowl Eve Day. If you don't have a plan for how you are going to spend your day, you will most likely 1) find yourself getting into shenanigans and/or 2) going crazy with anticipation. It is best to keep busy today. Put together a to-do list, or have someone you trust put one together for you.  The following is my to-do list, maybe you can draw some inspiration to keep you out of trouble:

1) Make some breakfast. Normally, I'm a cereal guy. Get in, get out, get on with the day, but today, I thought it best to take some time and savor it. I'm putting together an omelet that would make Sheboygan, Tomah, and Hayward jealous. 8 eggs, 2 brats, a brick of aged cheddar, and enough peppers and onions to feed section 112 of Lambeau. Top it off with some hot sauce and kraut, and this should take me about an hour and a half to eat.

2) Watch Rambo on Spike? Hmmm...this new one intrigues me. I'll give it a few minutes.

3) Check out Aaron Nagler's Madden sim to get a feel for how the game will go tomorrow. Wow, looks like Aaron did some extensive sideline reporting from this game.  Green Bay 34 Pittsburgh 7? That's right, indeed.

4) Impatiently stare out the window waiting for FedEx to bring my Charles Woodson Super Bowl XLV shirt...time is running out NFL Shop. You. Won't. Like. Me. When. I'm. Angry.

5) Remove ice dams from roof. Owning a house is a full-time job. I need a vacation from it.

6) Shine my framed Greg Jennings autographed photo. You've got to look sharp for the big game, don't you Greg?

7) Grocery shopping. More brats. More kraut. More burgers. More ketchup. More mustard. More cheese. More avocado for more guac. More chips. More summer sausage. More veggies. More dip. More. More. More. MOAR!

8) Visit liquor store. You know, just to look.

9) See "True Grit". Rooster Cogburn abides, man.

10) Hit up a Saturday afternoon happy hour to calm the nerves that will for sure have built up despite my busy schedule. Ummm... I may need to rethink this item, it is getting dangerously close to getting back to those idle hands that caused this list to be created in the first place. It could have a calming affect, or it could be like throwing gasoline on fire. On the plus side, that fire could conceivably keep me warm right up until game time. I will proceed with caution here.

11) Make game prediction after intensive research and number crunching. Wait, I don't even need to do that, I know the score already. Packers 38, Steelers 0.7

...okay, I thought John Rambo killed a lot of scumbags in First Blood: I, II, and III, but I'm pretty sure I just watched him double his lifetime kill total. FYI - Life expectancy of Burmese soldiers is at an all time low.

12) ....

Wait, what the hell? There's a Rambo family ranch?!?! That just doesn't mesh with my mental image of John Rambo. This is really throwing me off. I'm going to have to put this list-making on hold for awhile and make a 5-alarm spicy bloody mary and contemplate this.

NO, FRANKLIN, STICK TO THE PLAN! STICK TO PLAN!

Damn, too late.

Go Pack!

First Cut

There are flying bunnies everywhere. Cute, white, Cadbury bundles of joy with wings. I’m one of them, I think. The flock of us are flying in a natural V-shape formation somewhere, maybe South, maybe not. Up here in the warm, sundrenched sky, high above the rolling plains, I don’t really care – I’m just happy to be here with my friends. I look over to say hi to one of the bunnies and this one suddenly has red, glowing eyes. He hisses at me, exposing vampire-like fangs and I freak out. The thought of falling enters my mind and I begin my descent. Like an airplane with a dead propeller, I gradually come closer to the Earth until I crash land into a sweet budding mulberry bush that never hurt anyone.

And wake up face-first on the linoleum next to an open can of Bush beans, as hung-over as I’ve ever been in my life and smelling like a special rotting blend of tuna and turpentine.

That was six months ago – and the last time I got together with my former fourth-grade girlfriend, Kristy. Now a welder by trade with a penchant for Jagermeister and crushing beer cans between her boobs, Kristy is proud to be “just like one of the guys.” She is loud, obnoxious, crazy, temperamental and fun to be around – I’ve often thought she’d be a great subject for a reality show or documentary.

I had run into her at Anduzzi’s previously the night in question. After receiving one of her trademark bear hugs and friendly butt grabs, we played bar dice and caught up a little. She said was apparently fired for crushing cans at work (read: betwixt her hooters) the week prior and was freelance welding in the Neenah/Menasha area. I felt bad so I bought her a shot of Jager. She returned the favor. And so on, and so on, until the events that transpired could only be strung together through flashbacks, eyewitnesses and text messages.

I hadn’t intended to get sloppy drunk that night. In fact, I was only stopping by Anduzzi’s because I heard the trophies had come in for their 6th Annual Peg ‘N Keg Cribbage Tournament. I was merely going to scope them out and then go home and watch reruns of either the X-Files or Arrested Development. That’s simply what happens when you get together with Kristy. She recently left me a voicemail.

“Yo, Robbie! What’s up man, it’s Kristy. You recovered yet from that night? Hahahaha! I’ve never seen a grown man puke in a bathtub like that before. Anyway, whad-dar-you-doing for the Super Bowl besides watching the Pack kick the sh!t outta the Steelers? Let’s party! Give me a call.”

I don't think of myself as a popular person, but I do have a few options for the Super Bowl on Sunday. As it gets closer, a decision will have to get made. For the aforementioned reasons, the first to get cut will most definitely have to be Kristy. While watching the Super Bowl with Kristy would undoubtedly be a night of wild craziness fit for the Youtubes, this is one evening that I want to savor and cherish and remember the next day.

Sorry Kristy - you're out/fired. Always, R.G. P.S. Don't beat me up next time you see me please.

SB:45 Packer Fan Shanty Town - Thanks, Packnic

This morning I tossed out this tweet inquiring about yard space in the greater Dallas/Ft. Worth area. In response, die-hard Packer fan, @Packnic, thought it would be a good idea to form a Packer Shanty Town. He dubbed his plan to put it into action "Operation SB:45 Shanty Town".

You might not think that forming a shanty town is an undertaking that requires extensive planning. You would be wrong. Dead wrong....dead wrong like you got trampled by sauerkraut-starved Packer fans, driven mad with Super Bowl excitement. To create a successful shanty town, there needs to be a preparative stage to ensure that all shanty town residents are safe, secure, fed, and properly supplied with ample quantities of beer and jerky.

@Packnic took it upon himself to KNOCK THIS PLANNING STAGE OUT OF THE PARK!

Please see below:

There was some serious thought put into this, as evidenced by the following:

1. First Aid adjacent to the Beer Garden
2. Ample Brat and Beer booths, all located at strategic points within the Shanty Town
3. Cafeteria and BBQ Pit within easy access of the Jerky and Cheese storage
4. Space for Packer fans eager to be near the Texan action, but who would prefer to hang out with REAL fans rather than with corporate big shots at the game and at the glitzy parties (BTW-The Shanty Town can do glitzy. Please see: "Champagne Room")
5. Extensive restroom facilities

The next step...finding someone with a yard big enough to accommodate SB:45 Shanty Town. Please email packerranter@gmail.com with your address. We'll see you sometime next week. I'm only half kidding on this....

Thank you, @Packnic, for your hard work!

Cheese and Bratwurst Can Cause Brain Stimulation

I've been in strange mood since Sunday evening, and I can't really put my finger on what it is. Sure, I am beyond happy that the Packers are going to Super Bowl, but I haven't been as excited as I anticipated I would be. I guess it's the fact that since the Giants game I have been expecting to win. The NFC Championship victory was just a continuation of those winning expectations. When you expect something to happen, and it does, it doesn't lead to stand-on-the-table, beat-on-your-chest screaming or child-like giddiness, it's just...expected.  

Or maybe I'm just old. 

Either way, I have tried hard to figure out my mood. But then all this introspective, self-examination made me feel violated, so I moved on lest I learn something about myself that was better left buried under the massive amounts of bratwurst, cheese, and sauerkraut that I have consumed recently. Then I started thinking about what it took to get here...no, no, no not to the cheese and bratwurst induced reflection on self and psyche, but how the Packers got to the Super Bowl. 

The quick answer is stars got the Packers to the Super Bowl. Guys like Woodson, Rodgers, Matthews, Jenkins, and Jennings. The thing is, every team in the league has stars (some more than others, obviously), so that's not the full answer. What got the Packers to the Super Bowl is the combination of stars and guys like: Desmond Bishop, Charlie Peprah, Jarrett Bush, AJ Hawk, Tim Masthay, John Kuhn, Sam Shields, James Starks, and Erik Walden. These are players who either were previously written off and have come back and excelled, or who were given an opportunity to contribute due to injuries to others. Regardless of how they made it to the field, they have played phenomenally, and the Packers would be sitting at home on February 6th without them. I hope everyone recognizes what these guys have done this year. They have made the 2010 Packers a TEAM. 

A Super Bowl TEAM.

Wow, saying that got me really excited...

WOOOOOO!  Super BOOOOOOOWL! Who's got a place for me to crash Dallas?!?!?

GBP/NFC Championship Poster

My goal was to design a poster/wallpaper worthy of the matchup this weekend's matchup against the Bears - what do you think? It took longer than anything I've ever written for the site - let's just say that. It would be an honor if you used this as your screensaver/wallpaper. In fact, if you do, take a picture and send it to packerranter at yahoo.com - if there's enough, I'll make a montage to a monster ballad from the 80's!

P.S. If you click on the picture it will open in a new window...and be BIGGER.

Go Pack!

No One Should Be Scared

People have been around a long time, and as long as people have been around, they have gotten scared.  (Well, not Robert and me, but I'm pretty sure most other people have gotten scared.)  While talking to some friends recently, I learned people get scared of monsters.  I know that will come as a surprise to Robert as he happens to love monsters. So I asked these quaking ninnies what sort of monsters scare them.

Their answers:

Monster Ballads

Vampires

The Green Monster

Monster Energy Drink

Werewolves

Monsters of the Midway

Cookie Monster

The Loch Ness Monster

I nodded with sympathy while they shared with me the various monsters that they check for under their beds every night. Lucky for me these are the same monsters that I simply do not fear, as my giant sense of self-worth banishes them to their dark dwelling places wherever I go.

"Wait....Monsters of the Midway? What the hell are these?" I asked. "Horned dragons? Soul-sucking demons? Skunk apes?" My friends shuddered as I rambled off the beasts that so often made them cower in fear.

Their only stammering answer to my question, "Well...they're blue...they're ugly as hell..."

This didn't really help me understand their fear much, so I decided to do a little research. The only monster I could find that fit that description:

Ummm....my only conclusion from this, Packer fans, is you do not have to be scared of any blue monsters claiming to be "Monsters of the Midway".

Apology to Herkimer Patrons

Dear Herkimer patrons from last night,

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my actions during the Packers-Falcons game. If you were the unfortunate recipient of splashing beer during my many siezure-like celebrations, I am truly sorry. If you feel that this apology isn't sufficient, I can offer you nothing more, but I urge you to lodge a complaint directly with Aaron Rodgers who was the cause of the majority of these celebrations when he proceeded to go 31 of 36 for 366 3 and 1.

Sincerely yours,

Franklin

PS - I would also like to thank the sweet girl who found my scarf on the floor...four times. You'd think after two times I would have addressed the issue. You would have been wrong.

Bush Bash Has Been Cancelled. NO REFUNDS.

People love to bash.

I don’t like cauliflower. I think it’s evil in its eerie paleness. Cauliflower stinks to high heaven when it’s cooked, just more proof of its massive suckage. Cauliflower is the only food that by adding cheese to it is unimproved. That is no small feat because everyone knows cheese makes everything better. EVERYTHING. Cauliflower should never be placed on a plate for human consumption…unless for some reason you find that you have a living room full of Bears fans. Important tip: If you cook it, the smell should drive them away, or you could also make the jackwagons eat it until they finally give in and finally admit that The Bears Remain an Inferior American Football Squad. I wouldn’t even feed it to a rabbit if I had the misfortune of owning one of those floppy-eared freaks of nature. Seriously, rabbits are weird.

See what I did there? I bashed three things in the span of 142 words. Nice, huh? How about this one: cauliflower, the Bears, and rabbits all suck. That was only 7 words if you’re into the whole brevity thing.

Bashing. It happens. You know who Packer fans loved to bash? Jarrett Bush. You know who they can’t bash anymore? Jarrett Bush. This season it’s like someone added cheese to Jarrett Bush, and then they decided to throw in some extra gorgonzola for good measure. Read Rob Reischel’s piece on Bush if you don’t believe me. (By the way, I promise I started writing this Rant before I read that, the reason will be obvious shortly, but he proves my point with stats, and people use to stats to prove everything. 86% of people know that.)

The reason I started writing this was every blogger’s dream…the “I-Told-You-So” post, and guess who gets to do it? This guy. Okay, okay, okay…so I wasn’t exactly spot on, as Bush is not quite the dimeback the Packers are looking for, and maybe I abandoned the Bandwagon on the side of Highway 29 for awhile in the offseason....but I was the first to the start the Bandwagon, and it's been dragged out the woods and tuned up. And the whole dimeback thing, yeah, he did give up a TD in coverage against the Eagles, but Bush is on the team to be a Special Teamer, and he has turned into a damn good one. Has he reached mythical Tracy White status? Of course not, you insolent fools, no one reaches that pinnacle until Tracy White bestows you with the rank of Special Teams Demi-God (As there is only one God), but the stats and praise from Reischel’s piece are impressive.

Man, I do love it when a plan comes together….and a bandwagon starts getting filled up.

Wait....no one is on here with me yet?!?! COME. ON. Okay fine, people, when Jarrett Bush causes an Eric Weems’ fumble tomorrow, you’re all welcome to jump on. Please remember to keep your hands and feet inside at all times.

There’s no cauliflower on the bandwagon, I promise.

James Starks: A Brief History

James Starks, a name that suddenly conjures phrases like “rookie playoff hero,” “Neo” and “the green Jesus”. He is both the source of newfound mancrushes and budding folklore across Packer nation. But besides being an American football running back for the Packers of Green Bay, what do you really know about this guy? Personally, I didn’t know much so I waded through a bunch of stories to try and give us both a little more about Starks. P.S. Thank goodness this is a blog, otherwise I’d have to cite sources and that crap.

To begin, Starks is from Niagara Falls, New York where he was raised by a single mom along with six other kids in the projects. Not the greatest situation, but the Starks’ family stuck together like Acme glue with the help of his hardworking, dedicated mother who worked two jobs and jockeyed her kids all over the place. James’ older brother described him as the “biggest momma’s boy you’ve met in your life.” I love it already.

For the Niagara Falls Wolverines, James played basketball (alongside T-Wolves’ Johnny Flynn actually) and football. On the field, Starks acted like a young Michael Vick, playing quarterback and rushing for over 1,000 yards and throwing for over 600 yards his senior year. He was recruited by a bunch of big-name schools, but eventually accepted a scholarship at the nearby University of Buffalo to stay closer to his family.

Starks’ college career took some really interesting turns and he initially started as a cornerback. However, when Turner Gill (former Packers quality control and now Kansas coach) took over, Starks briefly assumed his high school position of quarterback. That is until they noticed his crazy skills as a runner and moved him to running back – full time, for good.

It was clear Starks found his niche as a runner and began to kick all sorts of ass, becoming the school’s all-time leading rusher in just three seasons and essentially turning the program around. Here are some highlights. Entering his senior year, Starks was on the map as one of the best college runners and hoping to finish with enough momentum to be a high draft pick in the NFL. Unfortunately, he received a labrum tear in his shoulder during a scrimmage and had to go under the knife, missing his entire senior year.

Entering the 2010 draft, Starks appeared to be over his shoulder injury and performed well enough at the combine (faster 40 than Ryan Matthews and Dexter McCluster) to be labeled a “potential steal.” Experts said he would not get drafted before the 4th round because of the injury, which eventually held true…AS YOU WELL KNOW, READER!

When drafted, Starks seemed very appreciative. "I'm just grateful for this opportunity and I'm going to make the most of it," said Starks. "I didn't even play a year and God blessed me with an opportunity to do something I love, I'm very grateful for it… (The Packers) said they liked my film and they were proud to make me a Green Bay Packer. I said 'Coach I'll be ready, I'm ready to come out there and work and I'll make sure you made the right choice.’”

Of course it took forever for James to get his chance with the Packers because of a hamstring injury, and he began his Packer career on the physically unable to perform list. He finally got promoted to the 53-man roster Week 13 against San Francisco where he rushed 18 times for 73 yards in a solid debut. And we all know how valuable he was against Philly, rushing 23 for 123 and catching a couple of passes as well.

Greenfield’s Analysis: Yep, he’s the chosen one alright! Sign him to a long-term deal now and begin his melon mold for Canton. There’s a few things that put me over the edge, but in the end I think his explosive, unpredictable, “pants on fire” style of running is just really, really, really, really fun to watch. And man, the timing couldn’t be better. James Starks, I salute you. Go Pack!

On Fingernail Clippers.

I've come to know a few hard and fast rules in this world, usually through extensive trial-and-error. 1) You should find your favorite pickle brand/type/flavor and always have a jar on hand 2) When you most need a Packer fan to commiserate with, you will always find one 3) You never get rid of fingernail clippers. There are many more rules I've come to know; ask me about them sometime, and I'll share, but it's the third of "Franklin's Rules for Maintaining a Happy and Healthy Existence" that I want to focus on. Yes, I realize that fingernail clippers are not really things that are discussed in public forums mainly due to the fact that the inevitable flying fingernail clippings resulting from their use are considered to be somewhat gross. Point taken, but bear with me.

Fingernail clippers are an often overlooked, under-considered tool. They are usually taken for granted and tossed willy-nilly in bathroom drawers or medicine cabinets, requiring digging and angry slamming of drawers and cabinet doors to be found. Be honest, you don't think about fingernail clippers...that is, until you don't have a set readily at hand.

Having multiple sets of fingernail clippers placed at strategic locations should be a goal of all people who like to be prepared. When making a purchase of new clippers, the old pairs should never be carelessly discarded. You will soon find out that even though you have a pair of shiny new clippers, the old clippers will invariably be needed. If you abandon your old pairs, you will soon recognize that the new pair were superior in some task than the newer model. Maybe they get the flat part of the nail better, or the corner part of the nail. Maybe they are better-suited at getting rid of painful hangnails. Perhaps they were perfect for cutting off rouge strings from clothing. Point is, they have use. Also, what happens if your brand-spanking-new clippers breaks on the first pressure placed on the lever? You NEED to have backups.

Personally, I own 4 fingernail clippers. Some older, some newer, some more expensive, but all have use. One of these I just purchased this week (at a relative bargain, I might add). Now, did I get rid of my older clippers? Hell no. I kept them around for the reasons listed above. I tossed one in my tackle box to cut fishing line, one in the junk drawer for who knows what. I'll wait and see how these two work out in these roles, but regardless, it's nice to know they're still around. I kept the new model and the expensive one in my medicine cabinet as they have been performing at a high level for me. It's not like my clippers take up a huge amount of space, so I would need to foolishly toss them away. Nope, I understand the value of having a number of them around. Nowhere on the packaging did it say, "You cannot have multiple clippers. Please get rid of other clippers before removing item from this package."

After having read this, I hope you consider how valuable a plethora of fingernail clippers can be the next time you are in need of a trim, or a quick snip of a thread, or even a clip of your 8 lb. test.

Okay, after that weird PSA, back to the task at hand...destroy the Eagles!

Oh, dang! One more thing I almost forgot to mention: congrats to Desmond Bishop on his new contract extension....

Philly, Cream Cheesed

Views from the Hillside
Last Sunday, the camera panned over the crowd and I saw two people wearing earmuffs. Now this wouldn’t be a big deal if they were women, but they happened to be two dudes. Men wearing earmuffs?!?! When did this ridiculous trend start? Men wear hats…or they freeze their ears off. There is no third alternative. The poofy, Princess Leia version and even the weird band one that goes around the back of the head are not acceptable cold weather ear-covering apparatuses. What? You’re trying to protect your hairdo? Look, sir, your hair will never be as simultaneously gorgeous and yet intensely intimidating as mine or Robert’s so don’t even bother. Wear a damn hat.

Erik Walden: 16 tackles 3 sacks, NFC Defensive Player of the Week. 6^th round draft pick released by Cowboys, Chiefs, and most recently Dolphins. Dom Capers ability to plug guys in Bill Beelichekian. (Without the cheating part)

4^th and 26^th …I remember sitting in John “The Company Man” Johnson’s living room and going from a happy-go-lucky-we’re-going-to-win buzz to a did-that-really-just-happen-sulking-drunk?!?! Also, “F#%& YOU!” Freddie Mitchell crossed my mind too.

I cannot get over the fact that the NFL changed the OT rules because Brett Favre didn’t touch the ball in the NFC Championship game. How does he repay them? Well, you watched his season. Oof, talk about ungrateful. Rule changes like this are so stupid, can you imagine the rules changing for your fantasy league playoffs? The commissioner would be duct-taped to a tree and left there until next season’s draft.

Mick Vick wet himself a little when he heard Cullen Jenkins was coming back this week. Okay, I lied…it wasn’t a little.

Ron Jaworski is the honorary Eagles captain Sunday. He just picked Eagles to win. Idiot. Jon Gruden says: “THIS guy is flat-out wrong.”

I can guarantee everyone in the “Fire McCarthy” crowd are really impressed by how the Miami Dolphins conduct their business. $8 million for a college coach? Brilliant. Not complying with the Rooney Rule, so they can’t actually hire him? Brilliant. Interviewing candidates when you still have a coach? Brilliant. “Fire, McCarthy!”

I have a man-crush on Charles Woodson, Tramon Williams, Clay Matthews, BJ Raji, Cullen Jenkins, Nick Collins, and AJ Hawk…and those are just my man-crushes on defense. I’ve also started flirting with Charlie Peprah. Yes, I am a man-whore. Don’t judge.

I believe Captain Kirk said, “Set phasers to ass-kicking.”

Greenfield's Deals
If there’s any kind of Michael Vick/Eagles montage to the theme music of “Rocky” at any time, I may in fact vomit where I sit.

Dom Capers is the effing man. There’s no other D coordinator in the league who could’ve succeeded as well as the Packers have with all the injuries we’ve sustained – no one. I’m sorry I made fun of your hair when you arrived:(

Among other things, Sunday will be a battle of jumpsuits. Rumor is Andy Reid spent a day in Milan with a team of seamstresses as they customized a stunning weatherproof, rabbit pelt-lined Gortex wonderland for the Philly coach. How will McCarthy counter?

It’s Kuhntagious! Don’t be shocked to hear some “Kuuuuuuuhhnnnn” chants from the Philly fans, too. #30 is from York, Pennsylvania and set 27 school records at Shippensburg, where I’m guessing every other play was Kuhn TD (53 in all). Side note: He’s also got a degree in chemistry. Yes, I’m cereal.

You know who else played at Shippensburg? Rob Davis, who retired a couple years ago. His 167 straight games for the Packers is only behind Favre and Forrest Gregg in team history. Nice!

You know who else is nice these days? Mila Kunis. Yowsas.

You know it’s a huge game when you’re planning on the potential for a major hangover Monday, and therefore made the pre-emptive move to schedule that as a vacation day immediately following the Bears game.

Philly is only about two hours from Scranton. It depresses me to think that the characters on “The Office” may be Eagles fans. The show has already gone downhill enough for me.

There are only two outside chances the Eagles take this one: drastically win the turnover battle or Desean Jackson has a monster game on special teams. Neither is likely to happen.
Bum-Bum-Chhhh, Ba-Bum-Bum-Chhhh, GO PACK GO!

Ron Paxton: Stylist to the Stars (or at least Jay Cutler)

One thing I still don’t get…no, it’s not how the Bears have won the NFC North. That’s easy.  They played bush league QBs in 50% of their games and then got really lucky in the other 50%.

The thing I can’t figure out is why Jay Cutler’s hair is so terrible.  

Look at that weird pile of follicles.  It’s like a mop crossed with a helmet and then dipped in reddish orange hair dye.

Does he let a drunk 8 year old cut it? That just seems unsafe…not to mention illegal to provide an 8 year old with booze.

Is he nostalgic? Does he go to his childhood barber? Because I can respect honoring the past, even if the Bears don't. (btw -  It wasn't us, but whoever named that photo is a genius.) But is his childhood barber blind? 

Does he have one of the trainers cut it? With tape scissors?

Does he do it himself?

As I pondered these options, I realized I should take the time to honor the hair gods for bestowing Robert and me with magnificently beautiful locks….done.

Okay, back to Jay Cutler’s head of disgrace. It took me awhile to get there, but I figured it out. Cutler is in Chicago, while there is most definitely a number of qualified hair-trimming technicians in the area, there is only one Ron Paxton.

 Okay, Jay, sit there. He’s going to put that thing on your melon.

  

Yep, Jay Cutler uses the Suck Kut. If there is one thing we all know about Ron Paxton’s Suck Kut, (that actually might be a great nickname for Jay) is that “it sucks, as it cuts.”

It certainly does….resemble the Bears.

From My Goiber to Yours

GOIBER (n.) An acronym, which stands for "Greenfield's Observations, Inventions, Brainstorms & Experiments Room." Also known as my basement.

It’s been said that everyone has at least one great idea. Not to brag, but I’ve had like seven so far. But this isn’t the venue to get into fingerprint identification undergarments. Instead, I’d like the share a few ideas I whipped up in the ol’ GOIBER in honor of the big showdown this weekend with the Bears.

Jay Cutler Interception Slinger
OK, so this is a like an outdoor arcade game shaped in the form of Jay Cutler. Simply load footballs into the chamber on his back and when you’re ready, yell “Hike!” The voice-activated game will begin slinging wobbly, poorly-thrown passes in the vicinity of preset trajectories. Whenever the ball is caught, you’ll hear an actual TV/radio soundbyte of an announcer from one of his career interceptions – over 75 soundbytes in all! On top of that, the Cutler robot will hang his head and cry “real” tears (you need to fill his head with water first).

Lovie Smith Checker Board
Sure, at first glance, there’s nothing odd about this, right? That is until you realize that every other NFL coach has a chess board to his name. Zing!

Oprah Show: Home Team Disadvantage
This would be a reoccurring series about Bears fans who’s hearts have been broken over the years. Figured Oprah is perfect since the show tapes in Chicago. These fans would discuss frustrations with the Bears as well as secret jealousies of Packer fans. Probably the occasional complex with Milwaukee as well.

Chicago Sucks! Toilet Paper
A little crude, perhaps. But just imagine the satisfaction and of wiping your behind with TP embossed with the Bears logo. “That take, b!tches,” you might even say. Talk about a stocking stuffer and I really think a roll of Chicago Sucks! TP offers that little added personal insight for those creepy door-to-door salesmen that come around selling you Vogue subscriptions and then use your bathroom. This will give them something to think about and also lets them know you’re probably not the type of hombre to mess with.

Other ideas are welcome in the comments section…

Merry Christmas!

And a happy New Year!

Vikings/Bears First Half Running Diary

I'm bored, so I figured I'd do a little running diary of the Vikings/Bears game. FYI - The only reason I'm watching this giant, frozen crap-fest is that it's important to the Packers.

7:35 - Man, I hate these two teams...we'll see how long this lasts as there is a South Park Christmas marathon on Comedy Central. Jay Cutler has always reminded me of Cartman.

7:40 - Would a tie help the Packers? I really don't want either team to win.

7:41 - Vikings fans wear some stupid outfits. Eric the Red would not be pleased.

7:42 - Jaws: "Brett Favre, the ultimate warrior." Ummm...no, there was only one Ultimate Warrior..actually maybe there was two.

7:46 - Percy Harvin TD. The. Bears. Still Suck.

7:50 - How long before Gruden says, "These teams don't like each other."?

7:51 - Text from Viking fan buddy: So. Much. Fun. Favre.

8:00 - So Favre's a "wily, old veteran" and "like a 23 year-old"? I'm so confused right now. Make it stop.

8:01 - Favre's healthy. He threw an INT. And I win an online sports betting wager.

8:04 - I wish Toby Gerhart would have blown Julius Peppers up on that interception. Make yourself useful, Tobias.

8:10 - It's like the Vikings are playing the Vikings, they aren't even mentioning the Bears.

8:14 - Bomb to Johnny Knox. Ugh. Double-Ugh.

8:17 - Toby Gerhart is a poor man's John Kuhn....like Bob Cratchit poor.

End of First Quarter

8:22 - Chris Harris just blew up Bob Cratchit. Tiny Tim might have felt that hit.

8:27 - Jay Cutler looks miserable. Then again, doesn't he always have that look on his face? I guess he can't be that miserable, he got away with a blatant intentional grounding.

8:31 - Is there any player in the history of football that Jon Gruden didn't love?....other than Keyshawn Johnson. Now there are coworkers, I wonder how awkward those staff meetings are.

8:32 - Favre got LIT. UP. Joe Webb, strap up. Side note: Bryant McKinnie is terrible.

8:39 - There is nothing to like about the Chicago Bears. I'm trying to think of something...anything...nope, nothing.

8:40 - Favre's return "Doubtful" We know that doesn't mean anything.

8:42 - Thanks a lot, Vikings. You could have at least pretended to show up. 17-7. Game over.

8:47 - The Vikings should start running the option, it might not work, but it'd be fun to watch.

8:48 - Gruden: "He doesn't know anything." I'm beginning to think you have a lot in common, Jon.

8:51 - This game is terrible...let's see what else is on...hmmmm...Bad Santa? (Link contains fairly un-Christmaslike language. Sorry, Grandma) "You want me to make you some sandwiches, Santa?"

8:55 - The Vikings have fallen really, really, really, extremely, drastically far in a short amount of time.

8:56 - Two minute warning. Two minutes until I go find something more worthwhile to do like....well, like anything else.

8:58 - How the hell do the Bears not know that offsetting penalties negate the play?!? Morons....and Jay Cutler pulls out his magic. I love watching him throw interceptions. They really are a thing of beauty. Seriously, that was a perfect throw to Asher Allen.

9:07 - It's a Christmas Miracle. HALFTIME.

9:16 - I don't think I would buy a Dodge Caravan from Dexter Morgan...on the other hand it might be the safe thing to do to stay off his radar....and I'm off to shovel. Night everyone.

Holding Out for a Hero (The Matt Flynn Tribute)

Where has our quarterback gone

With the season on the line?

Who's the unknown champion

To keep playoff hopes alive?

Will you be our white knight upon a fiery steed?

Late at night we toss and we turn and we dream of what we need

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be sure

And it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life

Sometime after 7 pm

Sunday on NBC

I’ll be reaching toward my big screen

To give you the courage that you need

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat

It’s gonna take a superman to beat BELICHEAT

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)!

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be sure

And it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

Up on the coast somewhere in the East

Where the ocean is somewhat blue

Lombardi will be up there above

Watching over you

Through the wind and the chill and the snow

And the New England crud

Let them feel your approach

With a fire in your blood!

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh for the fight

WE NEED A HERO! (Matt Flynn!)

We’re holding on for a hero to fight Sunday night

He’s gotta be sure

And it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life

Roary? And You Wonder Why You Fail....

"Hello, my name is Roary. Like all Lions, I have zero football talent whatsoever, but I do have a beautiful head of hair that demands respect in Detroit."

Well, at least he's respected in Detroit....but then again, does that really count for anything?

TurboDumps

I go to one game a year. I wish it were more at times, but I am thankful to get to Lambeau at least once. As if the gratuitous tweeting didn’t already indicate this, Sunday was my game. The seats come via an aunt, who owns season tickets. Like me, she only goes to one game and then sells the rest at face value (very classy). They are also excellent seats – almost eye level with the players, near the opposing bench and within spitting distance of the area where the kicker/punter warm up. On top of the close action, it makes for very intriguing player watching.

A couple of years ago Franklin and I witnessed the Packers blast the Colts in one of the best games of that season. But what I remember most about that day is Marvin Harrison sitting at the very end of the bench near the kickers. No big deal, right? Except that he completely alone, away from the other players, by himself. Quiet and observant. Never talking to anyone the entire game – just like this and this. To be honest, I couldn’t stop watching. On one hand, he might have simply been focused on the game, but to me, he just looked awkward and anti-social. Apparently he was like that in the locker room, too. Again, who knows the reasons for his behavior; all I know is that I couldn’t look away and it offered some unique insight of a player that I might not have seen on T.V.

Sunday I witnessed another player who caught my eye due to some unusual behavior – that of recently acquired 49er kicker Jeff Reed. Look that guy up sometime. Here is one of the most accurate kickers of all time with two rings. If you were a Super Bowl betting person, he would’ve been your guy. But this is not your run of the mill kicker. News outlets have labeled Reed as “quirky” and “eccentric.” Those terms are kind. I Google image-searched him and there are dozens of pictures of him with bleach-blonde wild clown hair looking like he was on spring break in Tijuana. I guess it’s not surprising he has had his share of off-the-field incidents, which probably led him to be released by the Steelers recently. Seriously though, take a look at this guy.

Sunday we saw Reed and at first glance of him in person, you can’t help but notice the size of the guy’s thighs – they are massive. According to his profile, he is 5’11 and 225 pounds. Sure, maybe his rookie year. Each of his legs has to be over 100 pounds – they are that huge. So big in fact that a rather big-boned lady in a tarp next to us cackled, “He’s got more cellulite than I do!” Classic. After gawking a little more at the massivicity (that’s a word, right?) of his bottom half, we nicknamed him “TurboDumps.” Because we’re immature and “ThunderThighs” would’ve been too obvious.

But this alone was not what made seeing TurboDumps so memorable – it was the fact he couldn’t solve the configuration of his jock strap for three hours. On numerous occasions, TurboDumps had his hands jammed down his pants (front and back – mostly back), furiously tugging and twisting and adjusting that of his undergarment puzzle. It was both shocking and hilarious and it went on all game about twenty feet from the lower level of section 125 in plain view. There were times when it appeared ol' TurboDumps had arranged things to his liking, but before you could say, “Yahtzee!” he dove right back into the complicated abyss. It even got to a point where I guess he decided he could no longer fly blind – TurboDumps literally pulled out the front of his pants and looked down at “the situation”. At this juncture, I pleaded, “Come on, man! There’s kids here!” (Tarp lady loved that.)

I wish there were a happy ending to this story, but the truth is, I have no idea if he ever successfully negotiated the mechanism. But he did make all his kicks. Maybe there was some method to his madness, after all.

1929: A Year to Remember

This Sunday the Packers will trot out their 1929 throwback uniforms, and I, for one, am incredibly excited. The 1929 jerseys will be worn to commemorate the franchise's first championship season. Seems like a good enough reason to me. By the way, any talk of jerseys always sends me running to The Green Bay Packers Uniform Database. "90 years of looking good while playing well" HELL. YEAH. Important tip: set aside some time to get lost in the awesomeness, and the blog is a must-read too.

After staring at the beautiful navy, yellow, and tan for longer than I care to admit, I realized that other than the stock market crash putting a screeching halt to the Roaring '20's, I didn't know much about the year 1929. So, I decided to hop in the hot tub, and check it out. Actually, I just headed over to the lazy man's World Book and took a look. Yes, yes, I know that I work in a library with countless volumes of historic information, but 1) plumbers don't like to play in their own toilets when they are done for the day and 2) LAZY.

So according to this venerable internet historian some really fascinating things happened in 1929...you know, other than the Packers first championship):

• Canadian women were invented: If you've ever known any Canadian dames (in the parlance of the times), this is a fantastic thing.
• A German airship flew around the world in 21 days: Up yours, Jules Verne.
• On December 3rd, Herbert Hoover announced that Americans had regained faith in the American economy: I've heard a couple presidents say that recently, the more things change...
• Popeye the Sailor Man first appeared: Spinach shortages worldwide were reported.
• That mustached bastard Stalin booted out Leon Trotsky: Soviet Collectivism was born. "I'll trade you one Lenin rookie card, for three Great Breakthrough cards" Not that kind of collectivism? Oh.

Perhaps the greatest of all events that occurred in 1929, other than Bob Newhart being born of course, is the first demonstration of the COLOR TV! That's right, H.E. Ives broadcast color images between New York and Washington. The rest, as they say is history, and Sunday afternoons have never been the same...well, maybe it took a few years for Sundays to change, but you get my point.

Therefore, to me at least, Sunday's throwback jersey will not only commemorate the first Packers championship, but also the beauty and glory that is the color TV. The color TV that allows me to watch the Packers in green and gold.

....of course it won't really matter, since Robert and I will be at the game watching in living color. So Sunday, enjoy your color TVs, and be glad you're seeing navy, yellow, and brown and not shades of black and white.