International House of Quinn

Bob Dylan said, “When Quinn the Eskimo gets here, everybody’s gonna jump for joy.”

Well, Franklin Hillside says, “When Quinn the Pancaker gets here, everybody’s gonna run and hide!”

I love pancakes….and I love blocking. Combining the two together into a Pancake Block makes me giddy, and in case you were wondering, a pancake block is one in which the blocker flattens a defender and buries him in the turf.

August 1st marks the day Quinn "The Pancake” Johnson begins his assault on would-be tacklers across the NFL. Does Johnson get the moniker, Pancaker, because, much like pancakes, he is awesome? Seriously, pancakes are awesome, what other food has an international house? No, he will from here forward be known as Pancaker because in his final season at LSU, Johnson was credited for 70 pancake blocks and looks to continue with the Packers where he left off in college. Think about that. It means he averaged just over 5 blocks a game last year where he took a defender to the ground.

Now, I didn’t jump to this nickname without some thought. I read also read this:

He excels at blowing linebackers out of the hole

After reading this draft pick analysis, I contemplated dubbing Johnson: Whale Spout or Blow Hole, but for some reason the evolutionary miracle of a whale’s breathing just can’t live up to the fluffy, syrup-covered goodness of a pancake. I thought about Lava-Spewing Volcano Man-Freak, but a pancake still beats a volcano 9 out of 10 times in a fair fight.

And so, enter Quinn "The Pancake" Johnson.

The song, The Mighty Quinn, ends with the line: “You’ll not see nothing like the Mighty Quinn.” Yessir, Mr. Dylan. I’m looking forward to it.

Introducing the Camping Man

There's a new toy in town.

With such positive feedback about the Corey in Madison’s action figure idea, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to develop a 2D prototype of Aaron "The Camping Man" action figure!

As a genuine work-in-progress (that I’m pretty proud of), I would describe the Camping Man as rugged, resourceful and friendly – kind of a GI Joe meets Lambeau. "From the backyard to the North woods, it’s the perfect camping complement for any young Packer fan or any Packer fan simply young at heart," one could say.

You’ll notice he is donned in green and gold attire, and I would assume that any outfit The Camping Man wears would reflect the Packers colors. Underneath that outfit and painted on his plastic body is a manly, black, Under Armor one-piece that showcases both toughness and pride (maybe there will be a limited-edition Green Bay Packers American Gladiators-style suit someday). Possible accessories include the fire, plate ‘o burgers, wieners on a stick, fishing hat and machete for blazing trails through tall grass an’ such.

As far as size goes, I’m thinking the Camping Man would be 12 inches tall. That’s not too small as to get overlooked and not too big that it would fall into doll status. And since this is a camping-specific action figure, either he simply glows in the dark or if you say, “Guide me Camping Man!”, his eyes become two miniature flashlights. Yes!

I honestly believe AK would be proud of this one.

Wisconsin Pilgrimage

This is our 100th Rant, and there is zero going on with the Packers, so I thought I’d share a WI pilgrimage that is near-and-dear to my heart. Now this isn’t a pilgrimage to Mecca, this is more like a pilgrimage to a low level holy site, comparable to a short journey to the local shrine or the unmarked tomb of a moderately famous imam. This little jaunt that I take a few times a year ends in Cumberland, WI, and it involves two of my favorite things: a temple of bratwurst and heaping piles of cavatilles. You don’t know what cavatilles are? For shame…I will explain.

The Hillside elders live in a beautiful home on Beaver Dam Lake in Cumberland and there are not many better places to visit. The downstairs living room is a shrine to the Packers, complete with a 3x5-ft. bar mirror of Lambeau, lamps and mugs adorn the shelves and tables. Chairs and pictures are spread around the room; Grandma Hillside loves her Packers. However, it is not solely the family and lake that draws one to Cumberland, although if you wanted, Lucille would probably watch a Packer game with you if you mentioned me. The draw for any true Wisconsinite and lover of food to “The Island City” is Louie’s Finer Meats and The Tower House, Bona Casa Foods, and Sammy’s Pizza.

Louie’s Finer Meats is quite simply an amazing, family-run, meat emporium. You name it; they’ve probably got it, including 50+ types of bratwurst. They make beer brats, cranberry brats, the Badger brat (onion, garlic, mozzarella, pimento), jalapeno and cheddar brats, and the Packer brat, made with the ‘kraut already inside along with some good ol’ Wisconsin Cheddar. They even have a Viking brat which just goes to show you that a) no one’s perfect and b) Louie Sr. is a shrewd businessman. In addition to a number brats that would take four seasons of tailgating to plow through, they have meats galore. Steaks, chops, loins, breasts, and bacon cut as thick as your wrist, pretty much whatever you need. Also, if you look at the reflection in the stainless steel of the refrigerated display case just right, you can see a sign on a pad-locked cooler that says: “The Ol’ 96er”. Bring plenty of coolers when you go because you will always leave with more than you anticipated, and you will be a better person for it.

Cumberland was a popular destination for Italian immigrants, and a visit to Cumberland is not complete without visiting at least one of the trifecta of Italian restaurants in town. Following behind Grandpa Hillside’s Sedan de Ville as he inches through town toward either The Tower House, Bona Casa, or Sammy’s Pizza is harsh punishment when all you want to do is bury your face in a plate of cavatilles. You may think I mean cavatelli, but I assure you that I don’t. While the two types of pasta are similar, the Cumberland-evolved version is slightly different in that it is a solid noodle rather than simply folded over. I have never found somewhere outside of Cumberland that sells cavatilles, and maybe that is why they have such a hold over me. Each of the three restaurants’ cavatilles have a slightly different sauce, but you cannot go wrong with any, and they all come with a choice of meatballs or Italian sausage. You will be missing out if you don’t go for the sausage, mark my words. Now, if you are pressed for time and can't spend all day sampling fat, doughy noodle dishes, then I suggest you make a beeline for Sammy’s. In addition to the cavatilles, you can get a Miller Lite in the old-school 8 oz. glasses and, in true Wisconsin style, a portion of the dining room is a shrine to the Packers. The wall of Sammy’s is covered with photos of Sammy with current and former Packers, from Bart Starr to Greg Jennings…most of which are autographed. Beautiful!

Fill a cooler with meat and eat cavatilles, drink a beer, and admire a fantastic collection of autographed Packers’ photos and you'll be very glad you made the pilgrimage to Cumberland, Wisconsin, The Island City.

From My Goiber to Yours

GOIBER (n.) An acronym, which stands for "Greenfield's Observations, Inventions, Brainstorms & Experiments Room." Also known as my basement.

It’s been said that everyone has at least one great idea. Not to brag, but I’ve had two so far (the endless bag of money and flying cars). When it comes to ideas related to the Packers and football, I can’t think of a better group to poll than the greatest fans in the world.

A few weeks ago, I requested that our readers volunteer their great Packer inventions to share. I was pleasantly surprised there are so many creative Packer fans out there. I’m happy to say you answered the call. Here is a list of the top Packer inventions as submitted by fans of the Ranter – all equal value in originality and awesomeness.

Ice Cup Holders – Graham, Wisconsin native, now in the Chicago suburbs
Like some of the best Packer ideas, this one was inspired right at Lambeau at the below-freezing 2007 NFC Championship game. Here’s how Ice Cup Holders came about in Graham’s own words:

As I was sitting (standing) sipping my beer and yelling loudly, my beer seemed to get colder. It occurred to me that this is not normally the progression of events when drinking a beer… Then it occurred to me. Sure I’m in Green Bay, the best place in the world, but how could I bring a little Green Bay to others.

Just think of the pleasure to millions of fans whose beer gets colder DURING the game. Then you can go get two beers, put one in your beer cooling cup holder and drink one while your other is getting COLDER.

Now if that doesn’t put you in the mood for a cold one, I’m not sure what will. I’m seriously considering pursuing a prototype for Ice Cup Holders in my GOIBER. Thanks Graham!

Green Bay Packer Crackers – John in Wauwatosa
“Green Bay Packer Crackers” is the only thing that John wrote, and why not? It doesn’t need a whole lot of explanation.

Seriously, this invention is absolutely brilliant in its simplicity. In all honesty, I’m kind of surprised I haven’t seen this anywhere yet. You could be onto something, John. And crackers go with cheese so well!

Aaron Kampman “The Camping Man” Action Figure – Corey in Madison
This idea apparently came from my AJ Hawkman post last month and a lifelong affinity for camping. Corey in Madison noted that Aaron Kampman is from the Midwest, looks like an outdoorsy fellow and is also a very charitable person. This makes him not only a good role model, but also a potential toy.

I always brought my GI Joe’s camping when I was little but my son just isn’t into them. He’s such a huge Packers fan that I think an Aaron Kampman action figure would really make him happy when we go up North.

And what little boy wouldn’t be happy with a toy molded in the form of a future Packer HOFer? What would make this invention even sweeter would be like a series of outdoor outfits you could dress AK in (the Hunter, the Camper, the Hunter/Gatherer, etc.). But maybe dress-up gets a little too Barbie, eh? Thanks, Corey!

40-oz Koozies – John in Wauwatosa
They make ‘em for 12-oz bottles and cans, why not a 40-ozer? This is the second zinger from Wauwatosa John and another gem. Just imagine the envy of your friends as you carry around your O.E. in a mega Packer koozie. Well done, John, well done indeed. Let's party sometime, btw.

Leg-Mounted Brat Holders – Franklin Hillside of the Original Packer Ranter
This isn’t your ordinary Leg-Mounted Brat Holder; this one is mounted right inside your pants! …You know, to help your legs stay warm during cold games.

As each holder would potentially hold four brats, if you double your Leg-Mounts, you’ve doubled your brats (eight!!). Not only will you be saving money from not having to buy your meat at the game, but you can also make new friends as you pass them out to your Lambeau neighbors. (Optional kraut dispenser clips to the inside of your jacket.)

I’ll merely echo Franklin’s words when I say, “Yes!!!!” to the Leg-Mounted Brat Holders.

Greatness Probably Tastes Like Butter Pecan

I believe it was Marlon Brando who once said, “Acting is like a 3-gallon vat of ice cream. Sure, you can devour the whole thing in one sitting, but you’ll still want more. Who’s hungry?”

Call him a diva, call him what you will, it’s clear that Favre’s sweet tooth for acting ice cream might never be satisfied. But what is the genesis for such a lifelong obsession of playing the world for his personal stage? Not so much a “what” as a “whom.” That’s right, it was the Minister of Defense himself, Reginald Howard White.

Back in 1997, with the help of a few friends and higher calling, Reggie White created a little moving picture called “Reggie’s Prayer.” With an inspirational plotline and star-studded cameos from the likes of the good M.C. Hammer and the great Pat Morita, this movie seemed destined for Transformers-like box office success. However, audiences didn’t flock to the cineplexes for whatever reasons despite critical success on Amazon.com like this review from “Artist & Author” near Mt. Baker, WA.

“The movie maintains its excitement to the climax when Reggie fights the bad guys and then tracks down a kidnapped team member into the Oregon wilderness to try to rescue the boy.”

(Sidebar: Replace "Reggie" and "boy" with "Arnold" and "daughter" and you have the plot for Commando!)

In this clip, Holmgren, playing the director of custodial arts, is explaining to coach Reggie a play he and his “son” came up with in 1979 called “The Left Coast Special.” Reggie surveys the play and aptly responds, “Looks like the quarterback option.” Both lines are delivered very straightforward and pretty naturally to be honest – I felt like I was watching a documentary at times. However, the next line at the 54 second mark, is arguably the greatest line of all time.

The script calls for Brett, or Burt the idiot custodial sidekick here, to say, “A play can have two names you know.” Now, there are numerous routes an actor might take. A student of the Stanislavski system would have labored over this line for weeks, relentlessly inquiring and pursuing the creative development of the scene in artistic self-reflection. Another performer might travel down Strasberg’s method approach, diving to the greatest depths of his character’s essence, resulting in a psychological embrace where there was no longer any semblance of Brett, only Burt the janitor.

I’m not sure what path Brett took, but he delivers this line with such brilliance, they could’ve made a 10-part Ken Burns fictional documentary about Burt the janitor entitled Awesome and it still wouldn’t have captured the greatness. I’m sorry, the written word is a poor excuse for the excellence of that line. Much like the Matrix, it must be seen. Again, the 54 second mark. Watch it and then watch it again.

You can only imagine the accolades he received after this film was released. Best Supporting Actor in a Faith-based Film. Best Newcomer in a Professional Athlete’s Pet Project (Category: Film). You can only imagine the realization of his special hidden talent – that of acting – dawning on Favre and the hunger for more. Look at us now, over 10 years later, still reflecting on a great debut performance. So while we may not agree with everything he does off the field, at least now we can understand it.

Somewhere, Brando is tipping his spoon to Brett.

Larry Fitzgerald Knows Smooth When He Sees It

Last post-season, I enjoyed watching two things: 1) The Vikings getting beat and 2) Larry Fitzgerald.

Fitz’ postseason numbers were unbelievable: 30 receptions for 546 yards and 7 TDs, including 127 yards and 2 TDs in the Super Bowl. He basically carried Arizona on his back and came within a miracle catch by Santonio Holmes of being Super Bowl MVP. I think few would argue he is the best receiver in the league following that performance. That’s why this little nugget he tweeted yesterday made me giddy:

Just finished the workout today with greg jennings, Jerry Rice,Marcus & the guys.4 being 46 jerry wasnt in too bad of shape 4 an old man lol

Not only was Greg Jennings working out with the best receiver in the game yesterday, he was working out with the second best receiver in the game ever. (Sorry, Jerry, Don Hutson is #1)

As if this wasn’t exciting enough, Fitzgerald then dropped this little beauty:

@DSoHigh Greg Jennings routes are smooth as a babys butt lol. Packer Fans have alot to look foward to this season

Now, I’m not sure who @DSoHigh is, or why he's getting the update on GJ's smoothness, but that is a great quote. A quote that should continue the ever-growing excitement for what Greg Jennings is going to do this season.

Routes as smooth as a baby's butt....NIIIIICE.

Summer Road Trip

I once saw John Jurkovic at Rainbow Falls waterpark in Plover. I asked him why he went there instead of Noah’s Ark in the Dells. He smiled and said, “So I won’t get recognized.” Then he walked away. John Jurkovic, master of the subtle humor.

The reason I got to thinking about Rainbow Falls, Noah’s Ark’s redheaded step-brother, was because in about a month and half I will be traversing Central Wisconsin and meeting up with fellow Ranter, Robert, in Green Bay for a little training camp excitement. The long and straight journey across Wisconsin on Hwy 29 doesn’t take me past the waterpark because a) it's on Hwy 51 and b) it doesn't exist anymore, but having grown up in North Central Wisconsin, summer drives in that part of the state always remind me of piling into Carrie Olsen’s older sister’s station wagon and heading to “The Falls” for a day of intense sunburn and ingesting massive amounts chlorine. Actually now that I think about it, it might have Carrie Olsen’s older sister that I remember so fondly…

Anyway, getting back to training camp. It’s a rare thing that you will find me admitting that I don’t know something, especially voluntarily and not under duress, but I don’t know what attending training camp is all about. I am a newbie, if you will. And as such, I need to know the important stuff. Stuff like:

Are there concessions, or …let me get to the point, do they sell beer or can I bring a cooler of my own?
Can I give a kid with a bike $20 to stand by me and sneak in a picture when the players ride the bikes to practice?
Can I sit next to Aaron Rodgers’ special-lady, or is it lady-friend?
Can I sit close enough to hear Mike Trgovac screaming at the D-line?
What is the tailgating scene like?
What’s the best possible entry point for sneaking into the Don Hutson Center if practice is inside?
I’m looking for anyone out there to answer these questions or just to give me some tips on how to maximize my enjoyment factor. If you’ve got some training camps under your belt, leave a comment or send an email to packerranter@gmail.com and tell me what I need to know.
Back by popular demand:
Tracy White Fact of the Day: Tracy White’s Middle School had to hire a 3rd groundskeeper to repair the divots he was leaving when tackling opposing players.

AJ Hawkman - Get it?

Yes, superheroes are among things besides the Packers I am also obsessed with (Packers still are #1 mind you). By the end of the year, I hope to Photoshop the entire team into X-Men-like characters - maybe they'll even make a (better) movie out of these someday.

Because his last name is also an impressive animal, I choose AJ as the first (only took like a day). No, I won’t always just be relying on last names of players for inspiration. I will always try and capture the essence of the player. Like Mason Crosby, for instance, might be a robot sasquatch with a laser sight on his foot. Or Aaron Kampman might be a warrior monk, because he is currently an (online) student at Dallas Theological Seminary. I’m thinking Donald Driver will be an insane clown or a dentist, because he is always smiling.

Why do I do this? Because I don’t want to be delivering pizzas forever. I figure if I hone my skills now by the time the job opens up for that big ad agency, I’ll be primed to make a splash. But, whatever happens in life, it's good to know the Ranter is always there.

Sister Maggie Has Some Advice for Wilf

Sister Margaret Kalinowski once told a girl in my class, “The only thing a desperate girl gets is the Clap…and well-deserved it is.”

It is now official. What has been rampant speculation for months, has now been let out in the open like a rank pair of socks…..Vikings owner, Zygi Wilf, is a 10th grade girl. Wilf told an invite-only crowd of season ticket holders at a “State of the Vikings” address that Brett Favre’s future with the team is completely up to him. This was already the case, as no coach, teammate, or GM tells Favre what to do, but now it came from the mouth of his future boss.

This is downright hilarious. The Vikings have now clipped off any man-parts they had left and thrown them to Favre and Bus Cook to play with. Personally, voluntarily clipping off my man parts would be my last, desperate act as a living, breathing human being, but not for the Vikings.

The ramifications of this statement by Wilf are tremendous. He has elevated a player, not even on the roster, above all the players, coaches, management, and ownership, essentially saying we will wait for him and welcome him with open arms at any time and adjust our plan to his desires. Can you imagine any player the Packers would even remotely consider doing this for? I will grant this concession, the Vikings struggle to sell tickets, so maybe he is being brought in fill seats and sell jerseys, but to sell your soul as an organization to make a couple bucks is the sign of an impending downfall of epic proportions, a downfall that will land in suburban L.A.

Meanwhile, their best defensive player, Antoine Winfield, (sorry, you mulleted meathead, it’s true) is sitting out and waiting to get a deal done while they try to whore themselves out to a washed-up, prima donna QB. It’s short-sighted, disrespectful to their fans (who don’t really know any better anyway), and I absolutely love it.

The Packer Ranter offers this to Zygi Wilf: If you wish to let the inmates run your asylum that is your business. However, I can caution you that you are opening a can of worms that you cannot begin to fathom. Favre is manipulative and selfish and you will ultimately reap what you sow. Do you really think Darrell Bevell and Childress can control him? He’s already proven that is not the case by refusing Major Dad’s request to attend OTAs. Having said this, I, Franklin Hillside, heartily endorse your decision to turn control of your organization to Brett Favre and Bus Cook. That’s two W’s for the Pack next year and lots of antibiotics for Vikes’ fans.

Wish I Had Thought of That

I know what you're thinking - "That guy's gonna make a million dollars off those panties! I wish I had thought of that!" Don't worry, there's great ideas out there for you too, people, if you just think hard enough.

Most readers don’t know that I’m actually an semi-profession inventor. Sure, everyone has a decent brainfart once in a while like a “Jump to Conclusions” mat or the next great beer bong. But I like to think I’m a little more advanced than your casual idea-puker. I’ve actually placed in invention contents, met with invention submission companies (scam, btw) and routinely submit ideas to companies around the world. I’ve even sold my own line of pizza toppings for a brief stint in ’04.

I’ve always been passionate about ideas and future trends. So much in fact, I took two semesters of business entrepreneurship at UW LaCrosse in the 90s (I was later asked to leave after bankrolling cribbage tournaments in Laux Hall). I guesstimate that I’ve had over 200 inventions in the last 15 years, and almost half of those were original ideas, which is pretty solid. There’s even an area in my basement devoted just to these undertakings called “Greenfield’s Observations, Inventions, Brainstorms & Experiment Room” (GOIBER for short). There you’ll find dozens upon dozens of sketches, prototypes and failed experiments ranging all the way from science and technology to tupperware and underwear.

As having toyed with developing Packer underwear myself, I can tell you straight up that the “Cheese Chick” underwear pictured here is one of the best versions I’ve seen in a long time. Totally beats out the “Javon Walker Was Here” thong and the “There’s a Brat in my Boxers!” boxers. And it just goes to show that the best ideas are not always invented by some Turd Ferguson at MIT, but by people like you and me (hey, that rhymes!).

If you have a great idea or invention related to the Packers you’d like to share, email us at packerranter@yahoo.com. Include your name, a one-paragraph summary of the invention and send along any supporting material (drawings, designs, etc.). We’ll post them in an upcoming story. Cheers from the GOIBER! ~R.G.

The Buck Stops Here

The hubbub erupting from a small corner of Packer world this morning is that Brett Favre will be on the premiere of Joe Buck Live tonight at 8 pm on HBO. I can’t imagine watching Joe Buck for an hour, and it becomes even more nauseating to think that, in addition to Buck, you would also have to listen to Favre for an hour. HBO and Joe Buck have another problem. The problem being: Joe Buck’s show, and Favre’s (presumed) “feel sorry for me” interview, goes up against something on HBO’s own family of networks that will ensure no one watches it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the last hour of the 8th greatest Western of all time is playing on Cinemax East from 8:00-9:00. See if this rings any bells: “Regulators! Mount up” Nope, not the Warren G song, it’s this. Yep, good luck Joe and Brett, you’re up against Young Guns. With Emilio Estevez, Keifer Sutherland, Lou Diamond Philips, and Charlie Sheen, not to mention to Jack Palance as the nemesis, you aren’t coming out on top no matter how big of a “gunslinger” (couldn't resist) you are. It’s a shame HBO is setting Joe Buck up for this immediate failure, I would have liked to have seen it be more drawn out.

You’re still thinking that you’d rather watch the Favre interview, complete with requisite excuses for retire, un-retire, retire, un-retire? Maybe I need to refresh your memory about the ending of the movie. It is a classic Western setup with the protagonists holed up in a house and surrounded by their enemies, in this case the U.S. Calvary, bounty hunters, various lawmen, and an angry Jack Palance. If this wasn’t enough to get you excited, here’s a quote from William H. Bonney leading up to the final confrontation (which turns out to be bloody and over-the-top. Nice.)

“Hey, Peppin. I see you got Charley Crawford down there with you.”
“Yeah, that's right, Bonney. We got a whole..”
[Billy the Kid shoots Charley Crawford]
“Hey, Peppin. Charley Crawford's not with you anymore.”

Simple and funny, yet incredibly intimidating.

You know the rest, escaping the burning house in a trunk, slow-motion gunplay and screaming, and finally Emilio Estevez’ amazing shot from up on a horse, right between Jack Palance’s eyes from about 50 yards away. You now have the Ranter’s permission to go search YouTube for any and all, Young Guns clips, I’m not so naïve as to believe you have not done so already.

Enjoy, the movie tonight.... wait, you’re still trying to figure out the top 7 Westerns of all time aren’t you?

Update: Franklin's Top 7 Westerns of all time

1. The Searchers (aka The Lions looking for a win)
2. The Good, The Bad and the Ugly (aka The Packers, The Vikings, and the Bears)
3. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (aka Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings)
4. The Magnificent Seven (aka The Packers Front Seven)
5. Unforgiven (aka Brett Favre on the Vikes)
6. Rio Bravo
7. Tombstone (aka Cutler's Future in Chicago)

The Leg Cross

Are you sick and tired of traditional standing? Do you want to look great and be comfortable while observing people, places and things? Or, have you ever just wanted to keep urination at bay for extended periods of time?

Then try the Leg Cross! Founded by Packers GM Ted Thompson, the Leg Cross is a revolutionary way to achieve comfort and style while in the upright position. Forget standing – that started thousands of years ago by Neanderthals. 9 out of 10 people agree, it’s about time for something new.

No assembly required!! If you’re right-handed, chances are you’ll be right-legged too. Without moving your left foot, simply move your right foot over and plant it on the other side – the Leg Cross is that easy!

And the great thing about the Leg Cross is that you can accentuate the casual coolness of the look by either placing your hands in your pockets or behind your back (as shown). But NEVER cross your arms in front. As TT says, “The arm cross in front combined with the leg cross is a contradictory pose. You’re saying ‘I’m relaxed’ with your feet but declare ‘I’m uncomfortable’ with your arms. It’s like drafting a punter in the 3rd round – it just doesn’t make sense and I honestly feel bad anytime I see someone in that ludicrous pose. It’s not necessarily because they look stupid, it’s that they don’t even know any better.”

Take it from the Ranter – the Leg Cross will make you the envy of your peers. You’ll never go back to free standing again.

Words of Wisdom From The Butts

Warning! Oversimplification to follow! If you like talk of X’s and O’s, fluid hips, and nose tackle/inside linebacker twists then you may be disappointed…but hopefully slightly entertained.

The defensive scheme shift and overabundance of stories about it prompted me to take a brief, but extremely enjoyable trip down memory lane recently, back to my first practice of tackle football. I vividly remember three things about that day: 1) walking by one of the parked school buses and seeing the driver, Otto before there was an Otto, rocking out, air guitar and all, to Poison’s Don’t Need Nothing But a Good Time 2) the smell of the locker room: a combination of stale sweat, dirt and grass, and Old Spice deodorant and 3) Coach DeWayne Butts. Coach DeWayne Butts (he pronounced it DEEE-wanye) was about 70 years old in everyone’s best estimation, but no one really knew for sure because no one talked to him or even saw him anywhere but the football field. All we knew was that he was our defensive coach, he yelled a lot, and smelled funny (In college, I came to realize that he had smelled like E&J Brandy after I asked a girl I met at a party why she smelled like Coach Butts) That didn’t go well.

That first day, I’ll admit, I was truly green. I knew very little about the X’s and O’s of team football, I watched the Packers on Sundays, but my Grandma Beatrice, whom I was living with, hated all announcers (still does) and made me watch on mute. The only thing I knew was playground football. Through the course of the drills, I somehow got identified as a linebacker, 3rd string. That was fine with me since I didn’t know what I was doing anyway. While the 1st team offense and 2nd team defense were scrimmaging, one of the linebackers got hurt, and I see Coach Butts storm towards me. He grabs my facemask and literally throws me into the huddle while the play is being called. I line up roughly where I thought I should be, the ball is snapped, and I get bowled over by the fullback, Nick Kromlich, the biggest, strongest kid in my grade. Laying on the ground with the wind knocked out me, I hear Coach Butts screaming, “Get up, Hillside! Do it again!” Same play, same result. I didn’t even know where he came from this time. Coach Butts screaming is now getting progressively louder…and angrier. Next play, I avoid the fullback, but get knocked on my ass by the tight end. It’s now becoming a game for the offense, see who can knock Hillside down. Before I can get my feet under me, I’m being lifted off the ground by my facemask.

For the next 3 minutes, I am treated to Coach Butts' face two inches from mine, assailing me with insults, verbally abusing my ancestors, and spraying my giant coke bottle glasses with Copenhagen spittle. I honestly can feel the tears coming, but I hold them back and then he lowers his voice and whispers something in my ear that I’ll never forget: “You smack someone in the mouth, Hillside, he’ll think twice about coming back.” I look up at him and he smiles a crooked, slightly maniacal smile, breathing E&J on me, and screaming, “Do it again!”

I watch him as he trots of the field, and think, ‘That, man, is crazier than a Viking fan believing their own hype, but I’ll be damned if he’s going to yell at me again.” The ball is snapped, and I don’t even wait to see where it’s going, I find Kromlich and make a straight line for him. The next thing I know, his helmet is laying 4 yards away, and he is curled up in the fetal position. I stand up, slightly woozy, and walk toward the huddle, only to have my facemask grabbed by Coach Butts again….Are you kidding me, what’d I do this time?

He screamed, “HILL-side! That’s how you play DEE-fense, kid! It ain’t f#$%ing rocket science! Smack ‘em in the mouth! HI-YO!”

After that, I spent the whole season at linebacker. I rarely knew exactly where I was supposed to be, but I can you tell you that I took his words to heart, and I didn’t do half bad.

Am I naïve enough to think that this is the case in the NFL? Nah, not at all. But sometimes, in the midst of all the hoopla about scheme, position change, and whatnot; we forget that it’s still a game, and sometimes the only way to play D is to line up and smack someone in the mouth, something that was distinctly lacking last year.

I have heard that saying alot since that day, but it never seems to carry the same weight without a semi-crazy, possibly tipsy, 70 year old man screaming it at you. Thanks, Coach Butts.

Stop Smiling, You're Not Happy!

It’s May 29th and as of right now, the Packers season apparently hinges on the happiness of one Aaron Allan Kampman. His refusal to share his feelings with the hordes has taken on a mythic tone. He’s unhappy, nervous, uneasy, scared, terrified, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, rewhlemed, and just plain whelmed. I can’t find anything to read other than speculation as to why he has continued his silence.

Obviously like you, I’m not sure why he doesn’t want to talk, could it be because the questions would be something along the lines of how Kramer visions marriage:“You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know, how about you, how was your day?” That sounds brutal, especially standing at your locker with 40 people lobbing those questions at you. Could it be because he doesn’t have a good enough feel for it yet? Could it be because he’s got about 20 other people answering for him anyway? Ted Thompson, Mike McCarthy, Kevin Greene, Aaron Rodgers…and the list goes on.

Adding fuel to the fire is this. People are worrying about Kampman’s happiness and somehow this would be solved by getting rid of him and adding a prima donna who is demanding to be traded from a team that has taken care of him for his entire career? I don’t grasp the thinking there. Having read CheeseheadTV for awhile, I realize that Aaron says a lot of things tongue-in-cheek, so maybe this is along those lines. Hopefully, it will be addressed in the CheeseheadTV/Packerslounge/Railbird Central/Tundravision - EXTRAVAGANZA tonight. (Hope I got everyone. Seriously, that is awesome. )

The thing that stood out to me in all of this “Aaron Kampman Emotional Well-Being Assessment” doesn’t even directly relate to AK. It came out of Greg Bedard’s notes from Thursday’s OTAs:

“Everybody was raving about the way CB Al Harris is adjusting to the new
scheme.”

WHAT?!? Al Harris was penciled in to be one of the defensive stars to be an immediate casualty of the 3-4 switch, how can he be doing this? He’s old. He’s strictly a bump-and-run cover corner. There is zero chance he can adjust to the zone required in a 3-4. You can choose to believe me or not, but I suspected that Harris would be okay, because it comes down to one simple fact: Al Harris is a good football player. Given time, he can learn to adjust his game and apply his talents to new things. (Apparently he didn’t need much time). Good football players and good athletes in general can change, adapt, and even improve…over time. Kampman is, as you know, a good football player, I'd put him at 2nd best on the defense behind Charles "Ravenswood"son. He needs a little time, and I’m sure this time will be his Zoloft. He will start talking to people again, smiling, and doing his patented one-armed fist pumps with more frequency than ever before. Until that time, I’m not going to worry about the perceived depths of his depression, and I don't think you should either....unless he doesn't talk today, then I'm really going to freak out.

Update: I swear I used the Seinfeld reference before I read this. Dang it.

Great moves!

I visited Robert the other day, and we sat in his mom's basement having Old Milwaukees and and gnawing on venison jerky. Great combo that day, bad the next. He started flipping through the channels, and Saturday Night Fever was on...well, that got us talking about moves. John Travolta had them then, and we started thinking about great Packers' moves. Here's a sampling of what we came up with:

The Hurdle - One of D the Dragon's favorite Packers of all-time is William Henderson, I have a hard time arguing with that. A good fullback is fun to watch, and even more fun when they touch the ball every now and then. It was rare that Will "The Bull" ever took a handoff, but he was a very good receiver out of the backfield. It's hard to stop a freight train that's got a head of steam and Henderson was definitely a freight train, would-be tacklers usually would attempt to take him down by going for the legs. Whoop! You missed! As big as he was, William Henderson was a world class hurdler...of opponents. Rarely did the first guy take him down, he usually had to watch from the ground as Henderson leaped over his prone, embarrassed form. While it may not have been high, rather an exaggerated spread of his legs, it usually got Henderson another few yards. Great move!

The Four-Yard Shimmy - One of Robert's favorite players is Donald Driver, again, no arguments from this guy. Driver is a favorite of mine too. He's tough, hard-working, and is a great example to the young receivers on the Packers. Would Greg Jennings be as good without Driver? Just something to ponder. Like The Hurdle, my favorite Driver move both evades tacklers and makes them look stupid. Driver seems to be able to sense where defenders are all over the field even if they are coming at him from behind, couple this with his tremendous athleticism, and he usually avoids the first two defenders attempting to tackle him. #80 plants his downfield foot, and he jumps back about 2 yards, while chuckling to himself as two guys go flying by in front of him. A quick push-off and Driver always gains four more yards than he maybe should have. This sometimes gets him drilled by the third and fourth tacklers, but Drive feels no pain. Great move!

The Heat-Seeker - While a lot of these offensive moves were done to evade defenders, Ahman Green had another approach...actually, it was the complete opposite to avoiding tackles. The Batman would break through the line and actively seek out other jerseys. If you didn't have Green and Gold on and you were in Green's way, Ahman was going right through you. This is an attitude you rarely see in a running back anymore, and I, for one, miss it. Watch this for some great Ahman Green highlights, The Heat-Seeker is on display at the 0:44 mark, against the Vikings no less. Great move!

The Ten-Yard Pump - Forget the most recent move of waffling on retirement, go back a few years when 'ol number 4 could still take off downfield to pick up a few yards when no one was open or the pocket broke down. This was a toss-up for me, as I used to love when he would hand the ball off but then continue his part of the play by doing a fake jump pass even though everyone in the stadium knew he had handed the ball off. Seriously, did this ever work? I didn't and don't care, I still love it. My favorite Favre move was when he took off downfield, eyes always on receivers, and when anyone took an angle to tackle him he would pull back the ball and fake a pass....when he was ten yards downfield! Invariably, linebackers, linemen, and d-backs would all stop and get ready to make a break on the ball regardless of the fact that Favre couldn't throw it anyway as he was way over the line of scrimmage. He made so many guys look foolish with that move. During one game, I can remember Jon Madden showing the replay of it about 10 times laughing so hard at the defense he was spitting up turducken on the telestrator. Great move!

The Club - This move is legendary, surely a favorite of ALL football fans. When you can sense the split second a tackle is off-balance and then swat him out of the way with one arm like he was a fly, you have perfected a move that few others can attempt, let alone perform with success. Reggie White's signature move's beauty is unparalleled. It really was amazing to watch...I'm getting goosebumps thinking about it. Legendary move!

Got anymore? Let's hear 'em. Fill the offseason void with positives!

Birds of a Feather

I haven’t given the latest Favre nonsense much thought, not real high on my priority list to be completely honest. To be sure, everyone has an opinion and I am no different: Fade away, man, fade away. Certainly didn’t take me longer than 5 minutes to reach that conclusion. However, it took me a full hour to find a parallel individual that has walked/is walking the similarly strange path that Favre is on. I didn’t actively do this, in fact, it was about as passive as it could be in the sense that I was in my living room while the TV was on VH1. Don’t judge me. Anyway, after Rock of Love: Floor of Motel 6 was on, VH1 Behind the Music came on. Too lazy to change the channel, I just left it on and went back to reading this. Gradually, I started being pulled away from the book to the train wreck that was developing on the TV. Behind the Music: Whitney Houston. As I began paying more attention, it became apparent that it is a strange version of deja vu. Laugh if you want, but the similarities between Whitney Houston and Brett Favre are numerous….and sad.

• Both have reached the pinnacles of their respective careers garnering multiple awards and accolades
• Both have been media darlings throughout most of their careers, often having their shortcomings glossed over, until recently
• Both have had brief acting careers, Houston with Dances with Nuke LaLoosh and Favre with Derek Zoolander
• Both reached their peak in the mid-to-late 90s, both being two of the most recognizable and adored people in their respective fields
• Both have battled drug problems, one slightly more than the other
• Both tend to cry when placed in front of a camera
• Both surround themselves with family and hangers-on who have an incredibly negative impact on their lives, decisions, etc., but, hey, that’s their prerogative
• Both are becoming increasing irrelevant, and finding it hard to take
• And last but not least, both are absolutely crazy at this point...

I guess not entirely last, both make me wish I hadn't spent any of my existence thinking about the aforementioned similarities. {Sigh}

There Shall Be No Truce!

Occasional Thought: Growing up I always wondered what it would be like to play for the Packers. Now I wonder what it would be like just to play. Sometimes being an adult stinks.

Brett Favre is apparently meeting with Vikings braintrust Major Dad Childress and Wario this week. Brett Favre is simultaneously destroying whatever good graces still left in the tank with the Packer faithful.

Some fans – notably those in the TT fan club – have already said more than their goodbyes to Favre. Other fans – notably those in the BFF club – will always revere #4 no matter how many rivals he plays for. Me, I’m somewhere in the middle but definitely lean more toward the QB than the GM despite the fact both are VIPs in both GB and the NFL.

But I honestly thought Favre’s career was over after last year’s embarrassing finish with the Jets. I told myself, “I can’t blame the guy for taking one more shot. In fact, it might be kind of fun to see one more run by the Ironman in a non-NFC, non-threatening team.” With the news he is meeting with the Vikings, my tune is rapidly shifting. If he ends up wearing purple this year, you can bet the big screen you will see fans more singularly irate…more ridiculously hell-bent with revenge…more ravenously lust-filled for his destruction…basically, you’d see a stadium full of Bravehearts where Favre’s the evil Longshanks or 60,000+ Glenn Closes where Favre’s the cheating Michael Douglas. Maybe it’s half and half. Whatever, you get the idea.

Please Brett, just walk away from this one. In your quest to destroy TT, you are creating thousands and thousands of fans who would equally want to see you destroyed. Things can end now peacefully and without bitterness. I cannot say the same will happen if you go to MN. As my main man Yoda once said, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” That suffering, for you my friend, will be having to see Green Bay claim another NFC North title in 2009. After all, they are the Vikings, and we are the Packers.

Franklin Hillside Packer Bar

A wise man once said, "A man's home is his castle." Well, if that's true, then a man's Packer bar is his Bat Cave. With the economy in the tank, the library business is booming, no one wants to buy books, they just want to borrow them. Which means that by extension, the book repair business has been booming. I'm fine with this for two reasons 1) it allows me more time to sit in the library basement working and watching old Packer game tapes and 2) it has allowed me the opportunity to purchase a permanent residence. Unfortunately, it is not this place, (remember that house across from Lambeau Robert?) but it is still a decent home. Since this is my first home purchase, I qualify for the homebuyers' $8,000 tax credit. HI-YO!!! Now some people would use that money to redo the kitchen or bathroom, or put on a new roof, go on vacation or even just save it for a rainy day, but not me. All in good time. I'm taking all $8,000 and putting in a Packer bar in my basement. Since I live in Minnesota, this will be my refuge from the Purple and Gold.

Now for those other homebuyers out there, or even those of you just interested in putting in a Packer bar, I have put together the essentials needed to make it a shrine to Sunday afternoons. It even falls right into the $8,000 budget. For those of you who already have Packer bars, let me know what I've left out that you have found essential. I wish it was September.

If you are going to have a true Packer bar, it starts from the ground up. What's on the ground? Carpet. Pick up a roll @ $4.39/square ft. If it's good enough for the Pro Shop, isn't it good enough for you? I'm going with the 12X14 ft. roll for $778.08.

Next, you"ll need bar stools. I'm getting 4 of these bad boys from the Pro Shop. $139.95 each for a total of $559.80. Plop down on these and you'll want the game to go into multiple overtimes.

Obviously, you need a bar. I'm going with this oak beast, and I love the foot rail too. Not Packer specific, but that will change...It runs $1,599.oo

Everybody needs to see their Leinie's, New Glarus, Lite, or Old Mo'. Not much classier than these Mission-style bar lamps. I'm ordering three at $134.95 for a total of $404.85 of beer-viewing goodness.

In addition to the stools, you'll need somewhere to pass out...or have guests sit. To each his own. I'm going with this cushy sofa and this leather recliner.

The sofa is $699.95 and the recliner is $995.95 for a total of $1695.90.

A good Packer bar needs some legendary images on the

wall. #1 on my list is this framed Ice Bowl Sneak print for $165. I also added two more framed prints of Lombardi to complete the set. $165 each for a total of $495.

A Fathead? Why not? Classic "G". Enough said. $89.

You have to drink out of something right? I love these Lambeau Field pint glasses. I'm going with 10 @ $9.95 for a total of $99.50. Toss in 6 martini glasses for $65.70 and 6 wine glasses for $59.70. Total: $224.90

Gotta keep the hunger at bay, have some chips and dip from this tray for only $14.95. For the healthy eater, here's a veggie tray for $45.95. Got 'em both for $60.90.

Wow, took me awhile to notice this. What better place to spill your drinks cheering for another Rodgers to Driver TD than this helmet coffee table? A steal for $549.95.

If you've been keeping track, you'll notice I (or you) have $1542.62 left of my tax credit. Not anymore. 50" of Packer viewing pleasure for only $1,499.

$43.62 left over....Gone. Come on over, all are welcome.

My 2nd Date With a Bears Fan

Occasional Thought: There are things in life that are flexible. The Packers are not one of those things.

You see that watch pictured? I have one exactly like it – given to me on my 30th birthday by my godfather Stew, who used to take me to games when I was growing up. Fun fact about Stew – he has no hair from the knees down. As an insurance salesman for 20 years, he wore long, black dress socks and I think they rubbed off all his leg hair. His brother Arnie is the total opposite…hairiest legs since George the Animal Steele. Anyway, it’s my nicest (and only) watch and I thought it was an appropriate for a date night. Didn't think it would lead to the bar heckling my date.

Last we left off, Connie and I had just finished our first blind date after meeting online. We had dinner, watched a movie and played a little get-to-know-ya (no, not that kind). All of this happened with neither her affinity for the Bears nor my dedication for the Packers ever coming up. It was the polar opposite the second time around at Anduzzis. Halfway through the second High Life, I’m rambling on about this invention I once had for an office army knife and she busts out of nowhere, gesturing toward the watch, “So just how big of a Packer fan are you?”

“Pretty damn big,” I reply. “Just how big of a Bear fan are you?” I ask.

Connie smiles, stands up and announces, “Jay Cutler! Best quarterback in the division!”
She was immediately met by an entire bar of BOOS from the Green Bay locals, including me. “I’ve been living in Green Bay for two years. I’m used to it. It’s all good fun most of the time,” she tells me.

We debate Rodgers versus Cutler for another half hour and all she can hang her hat on is the 4500+ yards he threw for last year. I nail her in every other stat imaginable and top if off with Rodgers’ outstanding professionalism for three years as Favre’s backup whereas Cutler basically whined his way out of Denver. Game. Set. Match.

It was fun because it never got ugly. Maybe this will work out? After all, just think of all the odd couples over the years. Ashton and Demi. Billy Bob and Angelina. Madonna and A-Rod. Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. Michael Jackson and McCaulay Culkin. OK, forget the last one.

Curse of Tracy White Lifted

Special teams just doesn't get the attention it deserves, much like Donny Kerabatsos. That said, I have a deep affinity for special teams and special teams players. It might be because special teams play is about hard work and desire as much skill and talent. Ignoring, or at least devaluing special teams last year was a large contibutor to the Packers 6-10 record. The crowning (or actually whatever the negative equivalent to crowning is...beheading?) moment of this neglect was the release of Special Team Player of the Century, Tracy White.

This is why the Clay Matthews' pick is fantastic for the Packers. Not only do they get a starting OLB opposite A. Kampman, they get the best special teams player in the draft, and he immediately becomes the best special teams player on the team...well, outside of Braveleg Crosby. Matthews work ethic and desire trasnformed him from walk-on to star in his time at USC. Special teams play was a huge part of that:

"Obviously, coming in as a walk-on, I knew I'd have to make my name through
special teams. I was able to be co-special teams player (of the year) for
the past three years. And that does sit well with many NFL teams in the fact
that they're only allowed to dress so many players and a lot of them need to
contribute on special teams. And that's what I consider my bread and butter
and that's what got me to where I am today and to be able to play
linebacker. It's just something I really appreciate and understand the value of and would love to do for years to come."

You cannot read that and not get excited to have this kid on the team 1) lining up on D with Kampman, Barnett, and Hawk and 2) flying down the field with reckless abandon destroying all those standing in his way. I mean, he looks like a Spartan...not a Trojan.

Tracy White fact of the day: Tracy White does not get impressed. Ever. He saw Clay Matthews III play and was impressed.

BJ Raji Haiku

I woke up nervous

I woke up with butterflies

I didn't sleep much

Haunted with bad dreams

Of some more wide receivers

We didn't quite need

But that darn TT

Surprised not only this guy

But most Packer fans

The ninth overall

And first pick for the Packers

Is a guy we need

This is not a joke

This is the real deal my friends

Raji is all ours

This is a dream pick

Which has to please everyone

On many levels

Whatever happens

The day belongs to GB

And some to TT

With the Number 9 Pick.....

My Ranter colleague, John Johnson, affectionately know around here as “The Company Man”, as he has never disagreed with Packers' management under Ted Thompson, recently suggested I use The Packer Ranter as a platform for an incredibly devious draft-altering tactic. Being a man of tremendous integrity (as is Johnson usually), I dismissed him immediately. But after mulling it over for some time, I have become convinced that the idea has significant merit. It seems that Johnson has become enamored with Alabama tackle, Andre Smith....with good reason. Four months ago, he was best player in the draft and the #1 overall pick; a couple bumps along the road in the past few months have tattooed a question mark on his chest. Johnson’s suggestion is as follows: someone needs to drop a little false information to scare off the 8 teams ahead of the Packers.

You’d think it would be hard to scare off 8 teams from a stud offensive lineman, but all these teams are going to need is just a little push, they are already scared as hell of screwing up their pick. Continuing in the vein of fake Facebook friend requests and leaking false failed drug tests, I have already emailed the front offices of the Lions, Rams, Chiefs, Seahawks, Browns, Bengals, Raiders, and Jaguars the following memo:

General Manager:
I feel it is important to let you know that I recently saw a certain draft prospect from Alabama get arrested in downtown Minneapolis along with an official from the Minnesota Vikings. I understand that NFL teams are not allowed to host players at this time, so I am unsure why the Vikings are violating NFL Policy (you may want to contact the Commissioner about this). But I digress, I was driving and saw said prospect trying to run from the police officers chasing him. He was visibly winded and out-of-shape, and could not push a female police officer off his chest when she tackled him (she may have weighed all of 110 lbs.) I feel it is important for you to know this, as you are facing a very important decision for you and your franchise. I implore you to make the right one; do not draft this prospect with your first round pick. Getting arrested a week before the draft should ensure that you remove him from your draft board. Apparently, his new agent has done a good job of covering this story up, but you can never trust an agent, am I right? Good luck to you and your team in the future.

Franklin Hillside
Concerned NFL Fan

My message to Ted Thompson immediately following the above emails:

Ted,
Taken care of. You can thank The Ranter and me for the next 10 years.

Franklin

Sign Up Now

By far, the toughest ticket in pro sports is for the Green Bay Packers. Every game at Lambeau Field has been sold out since 1960. That’s almost 50 years of diehard dedication from the best fans in the world. And that’s despite having the smallest local TV market in the NFL.

With about 80,000 postcards like this one being sent out every year to hopeful fans, there’s over a 100-year wait to receive season tickets. 100 years! I mean, what other team has such dedication that people actually list family members in their will as recipients of their future season tickets? Frankly that impresses the hell out of me.

There’s other NFL squadrons with waiting lists, too. Eight other teams have waiting lists more than five years with the next-longest wait at about 30 years for Redskins tickets. That’s admirable, but nowhere near 100 years admirable. And 13 teams have no waiting list at all, including the Cowboys. And they brand themselves as America’s team? I don’t think so.

So how does one sign up? According to Packers.com, to add a name to the list, send a written request and include the name, address, phone number and the number of tickets requested (limit four) to:

Packers Ticket Office
P.O. Box 10628
Green Bay, WI 54307-0628

Good luck! Our great-great grandchildren will thank us.

Too Much Mandex, Not Enough Football

There are a many ridiculous things that occur leading up to the NFL draft. Team shrinks asking prospects about their parents' divorce and then being surprised when they don't necessarily feel like talking about it. Teams posing as women on Facebook and MySpace to try and learn about prospects' internet presence (this is seriously hilarious: "Oh, yeah, I work as a scout for an NFL team. What do I scout? Ummm...you know.....well, I pretend to be a woman and send them friend requests on Facebook and MySpace; I'm a character scout." Wow.). Leaking of drug test info...that is (allegedly) wrong. GMs trying to mislead other GMs about who they are impressed or unimpressed with. Sure, this all ends up being mildly entertaining (it would be better is they released the results of the friend requests), and it fills the time between free agency and the draft, but there is one utterly ridiculous thing that needs to be eliminated from the Draft Hoopla. This is not negotiable. It happens at the Combine and is even worse at College Pro Days.

Watch this and see if you can guess what I'm talking about.

Seeing one of the great physical comedians of our time and the Swayz' encased like a sausage from the waist down would be painful if it weren't so damn funny (that is seriously one of Farley's best skits, in my not-so-humble opinion). The combine and pro days offer this same painful viewing without any of the side-splitting laughter. Is it too much to ask these guys to wear some looser-fitting gear, like a pair of sweatpants? Spandex is for bikers and swimmers....and cheerleaders, not for grown men and definitely not for grown men who are on TV. That is, unless you are trying to get a laugh or biking through the French Alps like this guy.

In fact as long as we're changing things, why doesn't the NFL make these little show-and-tell days actually worth something? Have these guys strap on a helmet and some shoulderpads. I mean, what difference does it make if you can run fast in a straight line without your gear on? You don't see many game situations where guys are shirtless and wearing bike shorts....thank god. As long as we're at it, why don't we put two other guys out there to chase them, if they catch him, they can tackle him. Game situation here, fellas.

If you can't tell, I'm getting very tired of waiting for the draft. Hopefully, I can think of something more positive for my next Rant than whining about mandex.

Just who is Duke Preston?

For the second move of the seemingly long and uneventful offseason, the Packers acquired guard/center Duke Preston. You might already know a little about this guy – he’s built like a tank (6’5, 326), versatile on the line and McCarthy thinks “he's more of an athlete.” (Glad to hear we’re finally getting the athletes.) But I wanted to get beyond his American beauhunk frame and delve a little into the personal side of Mr. Duke. Like, what’s his favorite color? Mac or PC? Has he ever had a bratwurst? If he could only have one superpower, what would it be and why? You know, the usual.

I’m assuming Duke’s been pretty busy with the offseason workouts and cruising College Ave. in Appleton because he hasn’t responded to my emails yet. That’s OK because I was still able to pluck a few nuggets from the world wide interweb.

His full name is Raymond Newton Preston III (“Duke” was definitely the right call.) He’s a San Diego native, who lettered all four years in football and baseball – even was all-academic, which had to please Packer management. Duke’s dad actually played 9 years in the NFL with the Chargers. Here’s his 1980 Topps rookie card, currently selling for around $10 in mint condition on ebay – that tells you he was a decent player.

While pursuing his speech communications degree at Illinois, Duke played behind an all-American center in Luke Butkus. Luke never panned out as a pro and is a Bears O-line coach now. And if “Butkus” sounds familiar – and of course it does – it’s because Luke is the nephew of Mr. Dick himself. And everyone remembers Dick Butkus as the amiable owner of Klawicki’s, the apartment diner in the hit series “My Two Dads.” According to IMDB and vague memories from the late 80s, Dick left the show after three years (undisclosed reasons) and the show got canned soon after, meaning the Butkus was undoubtedly the show’s ubiquitious impetus. But I’m getting sidetracked here.

So how much of an impact is Duke Preston going to have on the Packers? No clue. But I can tell you he is one of the best golfers in the NFL, his favorite athlete ever in the world was Muhammed Ali, and he frequently dreams about going to school naked. (note: I could not confirm the dreams part, but hasn’t everyone had that dream at one point?) Everybody say, “Hi, Duke!”

You Made a Draft Machine Out of a DeLorean?

Days until the draft.....too many. It is so dead in the Packer news department that Packer nation furiously took it upon itself to analyze the Cutler-to-Chicago trade upside down and inside out and from every angle in between, basically beating it to within inches of its death. The Journal Sentinel has even taken to following Aaron Rodgers' time off (it looks like he's having fun if you are wondering) and comparing him to Jay Fiedler. Gag me.

We are also to the point of the off-season where "experts'" and wannabe experts' third and fourth mock drafts are coming out following the College Pro Days. Do I enjoy these mock drafts? Sort of, and I enjoy mocking them, as well. They are an excellent piece of fiction to peruse while waiting for the real thing. But it has now gone too far with the advent of The Draft Machine. Now every Tom, Bears fan, and Harry can create their own mock draft and submit it to ESPN. I can only imagine the presentation of this idea to ESPN management went something like:

"Have you ever wanted to be as irrelevant as Todd McShay? Have you ever wanted to not have to care about being wrong like Don Banks? Do you wish you could pretend to tell the future and have people listen like to you like Mel Kiper Jr.? Do you believe you can read the minds of 32 NFL general managers like Mike Mayock? Of course you do, and so will the masses, have I got just the thing for you: The ESPN Draft Machine."

Great Scott! PLEASE make it stop! ESPN used to be about sports news, can we get back to that simpler time? Not only did you just have to move the coffin that Kiper Jr. sleeps in during the day deeper into the bowels of The Leader to make room for a new server, you are cheapening all the REAL work these draft guys do. They do excellent research and are very talented evaluators, let them be the "experts" and stop making them do mock drafts, in fact remove mock drafts from your site and programming altogether. They are pointless, rampant speculation. Keep the mock drafts in an arena for mocking, like blogs! At least on a blog, people usually write a defense of their picks, The Draft Machine is just-drag-and-drop. Even for something as pointless as a Mock Draft, that's lazy. Draft Day, where are you????

Thank God for baseball right now!

Update: Don Banks at SI agrees with me, let these guys do more of this. Please!

My Date with a Bears Fan

A couple weeks ago, I opened the cyber door to my dating life. Things had been on the slower end and my normally golden charm at the bars was being met with rudeness and complete ignorance (as in I was being ignored completely). I will admit that maybe I was reaching by frequenting St. Norbert’s and UWGB bars, but it feels like yesterday that I was right in the mix with the twenty-somethings. (Just when did I become so uncool?) Little did I realize that there were thousands of singles in the greater Green Bay area alone who shared my frustrations with today’s scene. Enter the world of internet dating.

Within a week of posting my profile, I had already gotten almost 100 views (chicks still dig the hair!), several questions and even an invitation to play some sort of real-life Dungeons & Dragons in Oshkosh (do I look like I play D&D…wtf!). Despite some lame inquiries and casual interest, I still hadn’t gotten that mutual agreement to meet. That is, until Connie contacted me.

Connie is a 36-year old Taurus with a passion for cooking and a penchant for movies starring Jason Statham. And oh yeah – she’s a diehard fan of the Chicago Bears. Normally I would’ve discarded the email like an empty beer can but Connie was actually pretty smokin’ and the readers unanimously voted that I should give it a shot anyway (amazing response people, thanks). So I bit my lip, traded my Carhartt’s for Dockers and met her and a couple of her friends for dinner to be followed by Death Race on Blu-ray.

During the days leading up to the date, I constantly wavered between how I would react to the first mention of Chicago or some snide comment toward Brett Favre. My Packer pride runs deeper than most oceans so there would definitely be the possibility of a reaction somewhere between agitated and outraged. I decided to challenge myself by not bringing up football lest football be brought up. If it was mentioned, I would sternly yet calmly announce my unwavering allegiance to the greatest organization man has ever known, the Green Bay Packers. This would clearly establish my zealous nature and hopefully deter any negative Packer/positive Bear comments and thus the conversation/date from getting ugly.

Thankfully, it never got to that point. In between the salad, the meatloaf, the high school stories, the impressions of Balki from Perfect Strangers (don’t ask) and Mad Max-like car races, neither the Packers nor the Bears ever came up. Connie was really outgoing and friendly, and she seemed genuinely interested in my theory of comparing high school to the real world and how it’s between the Rock and Vin Diesel as to who’s today’s Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In the end, we hugged and agreed to go out again. “A sportsbar” was decided. This could get interesting…

Positively Lombardi Avenue

My biggest problem with the internet is that is gives everyone a voice. Now bear with me here because that statement has a huge fundamental flaw. Let me clarify, my biggest problem with the internet is that it gives every unintelligent, humorless, unattractive person a voice. You may also see a flaw with that statement, but just look at the picture to your left and you will be corrected. There are voices yammering over every imaginable issue, but I’m confining my editorial to the Packers and those who are sharing their thoughts on them. I’m even limiting this in scope, it’s not the blogs or news sites….it’s the “Comments” sections of these sites. For example, my favorite from yesterday:

“Need MAY play a part? Bafoon.”

Of course there’s the obligatory:

“Your an idiot” Truly.

Seriously, it’s like the Simpson Dumbening out there.

The anger and idiocy that is festering in these comments sections is appalling. I mean aren’t we all, in the grand scheme of things, on the same side? I guess not.

Criticizing, complimenting, or commenting on things in the past was done in such a more thoughtful and classy manner. In the 20th Century, editorial sections of newspapers were full of thoughtful opinions. Then in 1965 Bob Dylan knocked public criticism out of the park when he recorded Positively Fourth Street. Dylan slammed those who had criticized his gradual shift from folk to rock and roll. Seriously, listen to the song again…talk about being harsh. Despite ripping his detractors, he was eloquent and made it easy to listen to, it hit #7 on the Billboard Charts. There is a lesson to be learned from the greatest songwriter ever here, one that I can learn from as well. If you’re going to make a comment about the Packers, or a member of the team, think about if first. Add a fact or stat to your scathing commentary, or make it funny….but at the very least check the spelling. We all have opinions, but people are more likely to listen to you if you have some semblance of intelligence, a catchy tune….or good looks.

Check It Out - We Can Talk!

“Say something,” Mike said.
“OK. Something!” Ted replied. Both men laughed as they played with their new Nokia headsets.

“Ok clever guy. Now say, ‘I think Mike McCarthy is a pimp,” Mike said.
“I think… Ted Thompson is a pimp,” Ted responded, barely able to keep a straight face.
“Cheater!” Mike replied, also on the verge of losing it.

This playful banter apparently continued for a good 20 minutes before the official “Meet the Staff: The Men Behind The Jockstraps” session began. But why not? It’s been all work for two of the biggest faces of the organization this Packer offseason, so it was fitting they got a chance to goof around during a time when human cheddar wheel outfits, green and gold body paint and Leinenkugels flow like Boone’s Farm.

Of course, I’m talking about Fan Fest 2009. Though this Ranter was stuck delivering pizzas Sunday (weekends = $$$ for drivers), I did drive by Lambeau 3-4 times to catch a glimpse of the fun. Also, I wasn’t too concerned because I know like 6 people who went – each of whom I promised a ‘Large 1-topping’ voucher if they emailed me all the juicy details.

So far, only one responded: Tanker, my roommate at wrestling camp in ’87 at UW Stevens Point. Now, Tanker’s got a huge melon (and body to go with it), but as we all know, that doesn’t always translate to a huge IQ (otherwise, blue whales and cows would be geniuses), so most of the information I get has to be taken with a grain of salt. But, he usually comes through in the end. For instance, he told me that McCarthy wore a purple and teal suit. Sound weird, I know, but turns out to be legit. Just look at the picture.

That was pretty sweet gossip, but it gets even better. After Fan Fest, Tanker wound up at Anduzzi’s where Ted Thompson and some other suits (not nec. purple/teal) were gnawing on wings. Tanker tells me that he overheard Thompson, rather tipsy off whiskey/diets, say, “We need bush.” Take that for whatever it’s worth, but isn’t it rather interesting that the Packers officially signed CB Jarrett Bush to a 3-year deal Monday? Hmmm? Thanks for the scoop, Tanker. It's good to have guys like you on the front lines.

The Packer Family Spectrum

At first glance, it would seem that the Packer family is firmly entrenched in two camps, much like the Hatfields and McCoys. Fussin' and a feudin' over one, Theodore Thompson. One side believes he is the Devil incarnate, sent to banish the Packers to season after season of filth and despair. The other side believes he is a man worthy of worship and unquestioning loyalty, and questioning his judgment is sacrilege against the holiest of holies, Lord Lambeau. This is a convenient way of labelling your extended Packer family. I, however, after careful deliberation have devised a more exacting spectrum of the Packer family. This spectrum is a seven-member family, and since most well-run families are matriarchal, it is capped on both ends by strong, opinionated sisters: Great Aunt Florence and Grandma Beatrice.

1. Great Aunt Flo - There has never been anything that has ever made Flo happy. "You didn't buy anything?" "You bought too much." "Why did you get that? It's junk." Pretty much sums up how one extreme side of fans feel about the TT-run Packers. Nothing will be good enough until he is gone, they would rather lose than have him be GM, much like Flo would rather be miserable than not.


2. Cousin Kelly - Unfortunately, Kelly has low self-esteem and to counteract that, she tends to sleep with any guy she meets. She tries to keep up with her boarding school classmates from out East, sometimes she gets a date, but not two. Cousin Kelly is like the Packer fans who want to spend every last dollar on the new free agent class, getting new players just makes them feel better about themselves even for a short time.


3. Dad - Dad is fiscally responsible and sees no need to go out and buy new tools when the ones he has are working fine... and are cheaper. But he just can't figure out young people nowadays and why you would ever rely on them to do anything. Dad is the Packer fan who sees no need to overpay free agents, but he can't get over how damn young the team is, and he is utterly fixated on Justin Harrell. He will never let it go.


4. Cool Uncle Phil - Uncle Phil is the guy you always look forward to seeing at the Family Reunion. He's easy to talk to and can relate to pretty much everybody. Give him a beer and he'll talk Packers for days. Uncle Phil is the Packer fan who never gets too high or too low, he can understand each argument and tactfully present a counterpoint without resorting to petty insults.


5. Younger brother - The younger brother is a sixth year senior at UW, but it's alright. He plays bass in a jam band and gotten busted for possession twice, but it's alright. Classes and his thesis are going alright. Bro' is the Packer fan who is pretty sure things are going alright, he's not in any hurry and he thinks the best things are yet to come. A late night jam session can bring out the contemplative side, like what if we would have gotten Moss? But he forgets about it soon enough. It's alright.


6. Grandpa Ernie - Grandpa Ernie is a product of the Great Depression and veteran of WWII. He believes in saving money and not being frivolous. He also believes in leading through strict discipline, that's how his Sergeant did it and Lombardi too, he should know he watched him. Grandpa Ernie is the Packer fan who believes in sticking to your guns, once you make a choice you stick to it, you don't overpay anyone and run a tight ship. A certain veteran leader would have been nice for Ernie, but no one is bigger than the platoon.


7. Grandma Beatrice - There has never been a happier woman than Grandma Beatrice. She is cheerful and unflappable, even in the face of disaster like a burnt turkey at Thanksgiving or a season-ending injury. "We'll just order Chinese." or "It'll give the backup a chance to shine." Beatrice is the Packer fan who supports the team no matter what. The TT-run Packers are doing great and making all the right moves. "The best thing about 6-10 is we can improve next year."

All Packer fans fit somewhere into this spectrum, where are you?

Update: I had a few fingers of The Glenlivet (really any Glen'll do) while writing this, so I had to change a few typos. I also forgot to mention please, please use this to label any and all members of the Packer family, even if you have to call them a mutant cross between Cousin Kelly and Grandpa Ern.