Be Prepared For When You Hear "Go Pack!"

Outside the friendly confines of Wisconsin, the Packer fan’s natural habitat, it is less common to encounter a Packer fan, than say when one is roaming the streets of Appleton. (While less common, the Packer fan’s habitat still extends further than any other NFL fan’s, I have anecdotal evidence of this, but also quantitative data in the sheer number of Packer bars around the world, estimated to be at 15,000 and counting) Upon discovering a fellow Packer in the wild, the customary greeting is, “Go Pack.” Nothing more is needed, or expected. Both individuals can go happily and proudly on their merry ways, knowing there are kindred spirits wandering the wilderness outside of the Motherland.

I live as close to a Packer fan’s home territory as possible, and I encounter some every now and then in my day-to-day activities. While the greeting is common knowledge, the response and acknowledgement to said greeting is open to interpretation and creativity. I came to realize this when a woman rollerbladed by me the other day, and yelled, “Go Pack!”. She sped off like Greg Jennings before I could acknowledge her. I realized I was caught off guard, and I vowed to be prepared when I come across a Packer fan in the wild again. After serious brainstorming, well, actually it was more of a light drizzle than a storm, I’ve come up with some suggestions for you to use when responding to a heartfelt, "Go Pack!":

The Raji: Notice how when Raji makes a big play he extends his arms and flicks his fingers calling for love from the fans? This is an excellent way to respond when someone gives you a, “Go Pack!”

The Slow Nod: Calm, confident…toeing the line of arrogance. You’ll look smooth with this Go Pack response.

The Shooter McGavin: This is for the highly excitable Packer fan. Upon hearing, “Go Pack!” you draw your six-shooters and start firing away at everything in sight.

The Dual Flex: This is for the intense Packer fan, I can see Robert using this one after 15 Red Bulls and 6 brats…Lift up both arms, and simply flex your biceps…this can be accompanied by a guttural, “RAAAAWR” if one is so inclined.

The Belt: You know it, you love it (or hate it), you just strap on Rodgers’s Title Belt, and nothing else needs to be done.

The Matrix: When Neo is “beginning to believe” he does this fantastic swinging of his arms, stops, looks at Mr. Smith, and beckons him to bring it on. This Go Pack reaction is a favorite of sci-fi and kung fu fanatics.

The Undertaker: This is perfect for when you and a fellow Packer fan are surrounded by enemies. You hear a "Go Pack!" and slowly draw your thumb across your neck while glaring at your opposition. Intimidation factor: HIGH

Of course another perfectly acceptable response to a "Go Pack!" is to just look your fellow Packer fan in the eye, and scream "Go Pack!" right back at them. The preceding are all good options, but I'm going to let you behind the curtain and tell you what my go to response to a "Go Pack!" will be moving forward.

The Bender: Don't you forget about me! Pop in your sweet diamond earring, raise your fist in the air, and just walk away.

Got any other ideas? Leave them in the Comments.

Pat's Spat

The spirits walk among us – oh yes. Some are good, some are evil and others just wander in a sad existence because they don’t know they’re dead. You may not believe, and that’s just fine, but try telling that to the 41% of people who claim to have had a ghostly encounter or the gifted few who can actually communicate with them.

Most spirits move to the afterlife as seamlessly as bacon does from the pan into the gullet. But once in a while, something upsets them and they return to resolve unfinished business. Such was the case Sunday, when the ghost of Pat Morita surfaced on defense, swept Brett Favre’s legs and prevented his miracle comeback against the Packers.

I know this because last Saturday night/Sunday morning at 3am, a group of paranormal investigators that I found via craigslist and I visited Lambeau Field in hopes of conjuring said Hollywood icon. You see, Morita was a huge Packer fan and coincidentally, there have been numerous reports of a small, warrior-like man practicing Crane kicks on the roof and waxing cars in the parking lot at night. If this were in fact the ghost of Pat Morita, we were hoping his spirit would help settle a bet whether Chuck Norris reportedly turned down the role of John Kreese because he did not want to portray a character that reinforced a negative stereotype of martial arts. If there was time, we’d probably ask what God’s like and stuff, too.

Wearing some makeshift karate robes and Danielsan bandanas, we set up nightvision cameras and motion sensors around the stadium and walked around with voice recorders, asking questions in hopes of collecting some EVPs (electronic voice phenomenon). We received nothing but white noise until a certain sensitive subject was mentioned. “Porkchop”, our medium with limited precog abilities (who also makes one helluva Braunschweiger spread btw), suddenly spoke up. “Quiet noob, he’s here!” he told me. We looked around…nothing. “Now, Robert! Make haste with your inquiries.”

I pulled out my note card with the Norris question, but something compelled me to ask another. “Pat, do you regret appearing alongside Brett Favre in Reggie’s Prayer?” I asked. Then, as clear as the moon was full, we heard the word “Re-venge…” And with that, all of our equipment went dead as if unplugged. It was so loud and distinct and otherwordly that Clint, our tech specialist, freaked out into the night and we have not heard from him since.

That was all we captured. All of Sunday and throughout the game, I pondered the night’s previous events. If finally became clear to me on the very last Vikings’ play of the game when Favre dropped back and fell to the ground missing out on the chance to hit his open receiver in the end zone to win the game. Think I’m kidding? Replay clearly shows (at 6:15) that Favre simply fell, as though he was on the receiving end of a leg sweep from an unseen entity. Was this the ghost of Pat Morita taking revenge against his former favorite player on his favorite team going to their arch nemesis? Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Talking Trash with Vikings Gab

It's that time of the season again, Vikings week. As such, I did a little back and forth with Adam over at Vikings Gab. He valiantly tried to defend his team, but in the end, it's always difficult to defend the Vikings. My responses are in green and his are in violet.

Well, it is that time once again Packer Ranter, when gravity itself could cease to exist and the only concern Vikings and Packers fans would have is how it will affect Sunday Night’s game. So, while my team is struggling to play up to their potential and your team is struggling to find 45 healthy guys to play football, it is time to start another round of trash talk. I have to wonder if you are hesitant about doing so, however, as every time we have done this segment to date your team has been on the losing end. If you were a superstitious person, I would completely understand your hesitance to even respond.

I am indeed superstitious, but I am well aware of the small corner of the cosmos that I inhabit, and I understand that nothing I do has any effect on the Packers. That said, I have sacrificed 2 chickens and done an interpretive dance just to be sure that karmic balance is reached. You’re correct in pointing out the Packers have been ravaged by injuries, but this week should see Clay Matthews and Ryan Pickett back, both who are immeasurably important to our defense, one against the run and one against the pass. Hopefully, this helps against AP and Brent. Speaking of injuries, are you excited about the Lito Sheppard era beginning in earnest in Minnesota? I gotta say, I am.

Sacrificed two chickens? I thought stuff like that was every day practice in Wisconsin. I wonder if Matthews and Pickett will be anywhere close to 100% to provide that much needed help. With scummy weather in line for Sunday Night this game could very well be decided on the ground, and we all know who is superior in that department. The one guy that worries me most in the ground game on your team is Marshawn Ly- oh, wait, never mind. Lito has played well for us so far, with the exception being last week, but luckily we are getting Chris Cook back to knock him down a notch on the depth chart. Solid running, solid defensive line play, and solid tackling is a formula for victory in this one, and all those things are something the Vikings are superior to the Packers in. Don’t worry about the cold weather though, we’ve kept the third place seat warm for you and you’ll be sitting in it on Monday.

Actually, Robert lives in WI, I live in Minneapolis. I tossed the chicken carcasses at Mall Of America Field (MOA Field? Seriously?) for good measure yesterday. You can probably still go pick them up if you’re looking for something to eat tonight. Meh, Matthews at 75% is more than enough to dominate your tackles, and Ryan Pickett shouldn’t have much trouble with…which one of your centers is starting Sunday? Oh never mind, it’s BJ Raji at nose tackle against your no-name center, and Pickett going against…Anthony Herrera, wow. Throw in Cullen Jenkins and the Packers have 982 lbs on the D-line, but sure, keep thinking you will be able to run all day. Brandon Jackson is no worse or better than Marshawn Lynch, so why mortgage the future with a midseason trade? I mean, I get why the Vikings did it, you’re desperate, but to throw away draft picks just isn’t sustainable, which Zygmunt will realize in the coming (read: next) years. Chris Cook going on a bum wheel against Greg Jennings…or any Packer receiver? I’ll take that walking away. You’re playing the cold weather card? I think I can hear the creaking in Favre’s joints from here, hopefully his texting hand is alright after the game. Ray Edwards is pretty much the only pressure you MIGHT get on Rodgers because Jared Allen has never had success against Chad Clifton. One question I have: does Ray Edwards practice all these cheap shots, or is he just inherently a dirty player?

I just don’t want you to get your hopes up, especially when it comes to the passing game. After all, the Vikings have been responsible for Drew Brees, Chad Henne, and Tony Romo having their lowest passing totals of the season. If Rodgers goes into a wet and sloppy Sunday Night game thinking he’ll be able to pass all over the Vikings, then he’s got another thing coming. And you KNOW Jackson isn’t running for 100 yards against us. With Percy Harvin, Randy Moss, and Adrian Peterson on the field, the Vikings should be able to put up enough points to beat Crosby’s four field goals. I’m not too high on our offensive line, but considering we have given up less sacks and our ground game is leap years better than yours… I think we’ll do just fine. Oh, and when Rodgers is running around like a chicken with his head cut off, just remember that karma has a way of reminding people why not to throw chicken carcasses at public buildings. Normally, however, karma is able to get that message to people by the time they graduate from junior high.

I’ll take any chicken running around with his head cut off that has 12 rushing TDs in two and a half seasons. Also, that chicken with a head cut off running around means Brandon Jackson doesn’t have to rush for 100 yards for the Packers to be successful. I believe it’s referred to as a mobile QB, which Favre can only be called if you’re referring to his ability to send dong shots on the fly with his cell. What was the Vikings record in those games where they held Brees, Henne, and Romo to their lowest passing totals? 1 and 3? Seems like odds I’d take. The Vikes got the best of the Packers last year at Lambeau, Robert and I witnessed it first hand, but things always change. You have a confidence that far exceeds your coaches ability, and the Packers have talent that far exceeds their mediocre record. The universe will be balanced out Sunday night, my Junior High Eastern Philosophy Course taught me that. As far as public buildings go, will Mall of America Field be left standing as a museum honoring the Vikings’ futility after they have moved to L.A.? If so, I’d probably go wander around those beautiful cement concourses for an hour or two. Packers 30 Vikings 21.

If you're in the mood, run over to Vikings Gab and talk a little trash yourself. Go Pack!

Take a Deep Breath....

Of course I have concerns about the Packers, but I’m more worried about our fans right now. I haven’t seen this much freaking out since my cousin tried to get his dog to wear a a Santa hat during Christmas ’04. The dog would not stop running around, squealing like someone was branding him with a hot poker. He stopped eating for a week and has since become incredibly skittish about being touched on the head.

It’s a long season, Packer fans. We’re going to need you cheering for these last ten games and with a little luck, perhaps some more. To help you cope with these panic attacks, I’ve compiled a list of symptoms that may help you decide if you are in fact having a panic attack and if so, how you can cope.

Common Symptoms of Panic Attack

• Raging heartbeat, like you’re seeing new NFL spokesperson Marisa Miller for the first time
• Feeling as though you 'can't get enough air’ as if BJ Raji himself were sitting on your chest
• Terror almost paralyzing like watching Hoarders. Seriously, have you seen that show? Shock and awe, man.
• Nervous, shaking, stress probably stemming from a Mason Crosby game-winning FG attempt. Actually nevermind - that’s everyone.
• Feeling of dread as though Clay Matthews mistook you for an opposing quarterback
• Lightheadedness or nausea, like when you polish off a case of Mad Dog 20/20 to impress a babe and then fall over as you finally approach her
• Trembling, sweating and shaking as though you’re in a stagnant line to use the urinal after shotgunning those beers in the parking lot. Was it really worth it?
• General fear, fright, afraid, anxious like going against Ted Thompson in a staring contest
• Hot flashes, or sudden chills like getting a December gust of wind in the face at Lambeau
• 'Pins and needles' tingling like sitting on your hands for an hour and then standing up
• Fearful that you're going to go crazy or are about to die. Well, if that’s the case you should probably see a doctor. The Ranter probably won’t be able to help.

But people – to get over panic attacks, you have to face your fears. If you stop watching and attending Packer games, the football odds are against you - there’s a real danger of becoming a recluse. You could wind up self medicating on cheese curds and living through your avatar, a feisty warrior fairy named Gorgathina who’s into hunting ligers and threeways.

There is hope.

A great man once said knowing is half the battle, and I just dropped some knowledge bombs above. Now I want you to drink a Mountain Dew, Red Bull or caffeinated drink of your choice. Caffeine is a known stimulant that makes you feel on top of the world. Finally, you’re going to rebuild your Packer pride by watching watch some highlights of Clay Matthews here. Feeling good now, aren’t you, now that you remember what a great organization we have? In fact, bookmark it and watch it any time you’re feeling an attack coming on.

This systematic approach to dealing with Packer-related panic attacks should give you, our fans, peace of mind and keep you as safe as Ted’s draft picks for the rest of the year. Good luck, people.

Did Hawkeye Steal That Jeep?

Where's the jeep?

?

I hate looking for stuff. I don’t like misplacing things and getting HULK-like mad while trying to sort through where I may have left it. I don’t like shopping which is essentially looking for stuff and then having to spend money on it when you find it. I absolutely hated “Where’s Waldo”. Just point me to Waldo, and tell the story as to why he’s constantly in these crazy situations…I’m guessing psychedelics have a lot to do with it. Look at what he’s wearing, no one in their right mind would wear those glasses? Wait a minute...

Lately, I feel like every Monday I’m stuck trying to look for the positives in the previous day’s Packer game. This is getting tiring, frustrating, and frankly, I’m sick of it. That said, I’m giving it one final shot.

After Sunday’s game the only thing I could think about was the injuries…the severity of them and the sheer number of them. The injuries Sunday reminded me of Korea three miles from the front (Damn, I love that movie. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading, watch, and return; I’ll wait.). Okay, so you get it, Packers =Mobile Army Surgical Hospital right now. Unfortunately, it is without the hijinks, hilarity, booze, fornication, and Hawkeye Pierce. Basically, it’s just the shitty parts: the injuries, the wounds, and the general malaise. In an effort to further make this comparison and to lighten up the atmosphere at 1 Ranter Place, Rantersville, United Republic of Rant, I thought I would find some M*A*S*H quotes. Then I realized that I had to go look for them…aaaaand I'm back to being pissed off, so I just used one of the top my head that seemed most applicable:

“What kind of team is this? Everyone is dropping like dead flies.”

Okay, that’s depressing, and like I said, I was here to find and rip the positives out of the open chest cavity of a depressing loss. Here goes: the Packers backups played well. That’s pretty simple and pretty positive. Desmond Bishop, Andrew Quarless, and Mike Neal stepped in and played solid games, Bishop being at the top of that group. If the goal of building your team is to have capable backups in the event your starters go down, then the Packers are in a good spot. Now, the problem Sunday is that the M*A*S*H filled up waaaaay faster than anyone could have been prepared for. At this point, we have to hope that reinforcements are on the way and the patients are healing quickly.

Just to be safe, we can also hope that in the future when McCarthy says, “I think it's important we go over the three basic principles: organization, discipline, and team work.” Someone steps up like Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones and says: “Excuse me, but do you mind if we limber up first?”

Teddy Legend

One time I really tried to make it in this world. The job was sales. The product was knives. It was a total pyramid scheme, but I didn’t care. I was motivated to kick ass and move up in the world and get a Honda.

And in the group interview in the basement of the Holiday Inn, I absolutely killed it. The beefcake sales manager and his greaseball henchman were instantly impressed with my skills, and held me back after the others were dismissed to say I was going to be their next star knife salesman of N.E. Wisconsin.

They told me to get a suit and cut my hair and show up the next morning with donuts. I got the suit and donuts alright, but told them the hair was off limits. They conceded, saying I was going to be a pretty good salesman. “You’ve got potential, Randy” the big one said. “It’s Robert” I corrected him.

I arrived in the morning sporting the best suit my local Goodwill had to offer. There were others. Some had coffee, some were sweating; we were all hungry and determined. We were told that we possessed the shared quality of loving money and we were natural-born salesmen who would finally have to chance to reach our hidden potential in life.

“I’m willing to bet you (re: squirrely fat man) could sell a box of mouse farts to a perfume shop if there was $20 in it for you. But you’re not going to have to. Our knives are the best in the world. They cut through copper pipes. They cut through pennies.”

The henchman cut through a penny. It wasn’t easy, but he did it. “A half a penny for half your thoughts?” he asked. We laughed, as all anxious men do when surprised by a bad joke.

“These knives never need sharpening or washing. They all have a lifetime warranty and they make whatever food you cut with them taste 1000% better. They ‘re that f#cking good and you’re gonna sell them by the boatload,” the big one said. “But today, I don’t want you to sell. I want you to give them away. You’ll each be getting a set of knives and a map. The map shows the location of a local celebrity. You are going to drive to their house and give them a set of our knives for free.” He waited for someone to ask him the reason for this, but no one did, so he continued.

“Why? Because famous people are highly influential. I mean, would you buy a set of knives if you saw Dan Shalhoub using them?” “The guy from Monk?” was asked. “No, Dan. His brother. The Shalhoubs are from Green Bay. Or how about Little Bastard, the tennis coach at Neenah high school or Dustin fricken Diamond? They are all on this list and more. You’ll all get someone different and you won’t know who it is until you get there.”

Thirty minutes later I was navigating a subdivision somewhere in DePere where the houses looked like castles and the golden retrievers roamed free (within the boundaries of underground electric fences). As I approached the destination of my mystery celeb, I recalled the highlights of our pitch – free knives, best in the world, cut through pennies, no strings attached, maybe tell a friend but no strings attached, completely free, etc.

I knocked on the door, my heart fluttering at the thought of Screech answering. It finally opened and my jaw hit the floor. No, it was not a dream but none other than Silverhair himself, standing just two feet away and staring down this rookie knife salesman.

After a couple seconds of silence, when Ted was about to shut the door on my new career, I sprung to life. In a string of incomplete sentences and prepositional phrases, I threw out everything Beefake taught us. And as I offered the set of knives to the Packers GM and prepared to walk away strong and proud, something strange happened. He flat-out refused them and went back to his life.

Nowadays, when I look from afar at my first sale that wasn’t, I can’t help but have a sense of respect for the way Thompson manages the Packers. While I don’t always agree with it, I kind of understand it. When I see him make decisions and football picks – or seemingly lack thereof according to some – I recall that fateful day when he declined those amazing, free knives that cut through copper. What rationale could he possibly have have? I mean, they were completely free! I guess Ted said it best when, after briefly considering the knives, looked at me completely deadpan and replied:

“No thanks, I’ll play the hand I got.”

U-G-L-Y. You Ain't Got No Alibi, You Ugly.

So my coma over, I wake up to a Packers loss to the Lions...no? The Packers won? They just won ugly? Well, I never would have known that after perusing the Twitterverse and blogosphere on Monday. Everywhere I turned, people were throwing themselves off cliffs like lemmings.

In order to talk some people back from the ledge, I tried to come up with some real world analogies that would help to frame what an ugly win means. Enjoy...or don't, the cliff is that way.

An ugly win is like ordering a steak, and getting an angus beef cheeseburger. Not as appetizing, but you still get red meat…and you get cheese too.

An ugly win is like getting busy in a Burger King bathroom. It’s not pretty, kind of nasty actually, but at least you got busy.

An ugly win is like going up to the bar and instead of the smoking-hot bartender in the daisy-dukes and tank top, you get the plain bartender in the sweater and baggy jeans. Not as hot, but she will always get you a drink with a smile, and at least she’s not the meathead bartender with the tribal tattoo armband who calls you “Bro”.

An ugly win is realizing there is a new Rant at the Packer Ranter but instead of being written by Robert, you find out it’s written by Franklin. Not as fulfilling, but at least you have a new Rant to read.

An ugly win is like ordering a PBR tall-boy and getting a Bud Light instead. It’s still wet, and it’s still beer. (Well, I think Bud Light is beer…can’t be sure, but I’m told it is. For this argument, we shall assume it is.)

An ugly win is like a normal win but without the style points…wait, style points mean nothing in the grand scheme of things? Huh. Robert should be alright then. BURN!

An ugly win is like mowing the lawn, yeah it sucks, and sometimes sucks pretty hard, but in the end it’s done, looks alright, and you can forget about it. Plus, you’ve got another week before the possibility arises that you have to do it all over again.

An ugly win is like a failed Lambeau Leap. Yeah sure, you bricked it in front of hundreds of thousands of Packer fans, but you still just did something that a Detroit Lion will never do. Well, two things actually: win and do a Lambeau Leap.

An ugly win is like having sausage or ham with breakfast. Sure, neither is comparable to a pile of bacon, but they are both delicious pork products that compliment a pile of eggs and hash browns.

An ugly win is like banging your head against the wall, it hurts and it probably looks stupid, but hopefully it knocks some sense into you.

An ugly win is something Tracy White…well, an ugly win is something Tracy White has never been a part of…so, bad analogy on my part.

An ugly win is just like a pretty win…they are both damn wins.

Friday Caption Contest #6

Glory days. We've all had them, although maybe not quite like this! Sure he's out this week with another injury, but that won't keep Matthew Stafford from getting punked.

Post your best caption and you'll not only be the envy of our modest yet awesome readership, you'll also receiving the coveted Tracy White Certificate of Excellence.

Only first submissions will considered - anything more is still awesome though! Good luck, and Go Pack!!
Update. We're giving this one to Ms. Quarter. We both LOL'd at her comment that suggested Stafford spiked (or roofied?) the girl's drink second from left. Well played!

The Silver Lining

So I wasn’t actually able to watch the game Monday night, and this is a great disappointment, because as a former denizen of Chicago, IL (or Pervertsville, ILL, as I like to say) I have watched sixty-three Packer-Bear showdowns on enemy territory (at home or in the vile temple of BEARphomet itself, Soldier Field) before I moved to De Pere in ’93, and I hope to see at least that many here in the bosom of Packerland before I am shuffled off to the big Meat-Packing Plant in the Sky. But I didn’t have a choice.

I knew the evening was trouble when I came home from the paper mill and I saw that the big screen I bought with my settlement money was gone. I admit that I was pissed off, because I was willing to put up with missing a finger and losing my favorite ring when I had a great big TV to watch the Packers on, but when I came home from work yesterday I didn’t have any TV at all and still only nine digits. Well, I knew exactly what happened, even before my wife told me – my son Ronny stole it.

See, Ronny has a troubled childhood. He was born in Chicago and lived there until he was fifteen, at which point we moved to here to De Pere. And I confess that he developed an affection for the Bears. I guess deep down inside I thought that if I never put it into words, if I never confronted him about it, it didn’t really exist. But it did, and so when he started school in Wisconsin he didn’t get along well with the other kids. He started spending summers in Door County, hobnobbing with transplanted drug addicts and Bears fans, and after that he was a lost cause. I love him, though, even if he is a colossal f#ck up who ruined my life, and so I still let him live at home.

The upshot to letting him live at home is that his daughter Annie lives with us. Annie is the smartest little girl you have ever seen, clever and kind-hearted and beautiful and innocent and lovely and angelic, and it is a real joy to raise her, since my son can’t be trusted to do it, and she just loves living with Nana and Papa. She will never wind up dancing at Beansnappers like her mother, if I have anything to say to it. Even if I am moldering in my grave I will heave my corpse out of the earth and shamble as the walking dead to block the door of Beansnappers. “Over my dead body,” I will moan.

So what does this have to do with the game, you might ask? Lony, you didn’t even see it, you might say. True, true. But look at it this way: My son Ronny is a f#ck-up. Only word that captures his every nuance. Still, that f#ck-up managed to produce Annie, the greatest gift this Packer Backer has ever received. And if that layabout long-haired loser son of mine can make a smart little girl like that, then surely even a sad sack of dingleBEARies can overcome the NFL odds and pull off some decent football once in a while. And if a smart little kid like Annie can overcome all the adversity that has so far plagued her short life to get five or six stickers EVERY WEEK in her kindergarten class, then clearly a team with such skill and grace as the Packers can correct what is obviously just an aberration, the universe factoring the remainder of the awe-inspiring calculus that created this season’s roster. I believe. Do you?

~Lony Olec

Grandma Loretta's Game Analysis

I woke up this morning eager to find out my Grandma Loretta's take on the Packers/Bears game last night.  She's usually got a pretty good view on all things Packers....and life in general as well.  As Slater says, she's a hip, hip, lady.

Now Loretta's a very level-headed fan. Doesn't get too high, doesn't get too low.  Doesn't overreact and start screaming, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" or "We're going to the Super Bowl!"

Well, I found a voicemail, an email, a tweet, a Facebook update, a fax, a letter, a telegram, a pony express delivery, and a cave painting from Grandma Loretta.  Did I mention she's an excellent communicator?

Each just said, "If you keep beating yourself like that, you'll go blind."

Huh, that's smartest thing I've heard yet...

Pregame Prep Talk

TROY: Hello everybody, I’m actor Troy Maclure, star of such Monday Night Football pregame shows as “Hank Williams: Beard of Truth” and “What Will Madden Say?”

But today I’d like to talk with you about rivalries. In the past, the only way to avoid to madness of a Packer-Bear rivalry was to drive to Canada and bask in the beauty of mother nature. But that’s all changed now. Thanks to years of ineptitude on Chicago’s part, even top NFL handicappers have been avoiding this game.

I’d like to introduce Dr. Nick Riveria.

DR. NICK: Hi everybody! Troy, would you like to watch the game and enjoy it, too?

TROY: I sure would, but won’t I have to pay outrageous street prices for a bag of grass that the stoners probably laced with LSD?

DR. NICK: Not anymore! All thanks to Clay Matthews. With six sacks already and a Bears offensive line with more voids than William Perry’s teeth, Matthews has the potential to continue making NFL history tonight!

TROY: Wow, Clay Matthews really delivers!

DR. NICK: That’s right! And be sure to watch Jay Cutler demonstrate that crying on Monday Night Football will not get you nominated for an Emmy.

TROY: As I said in the Erotic Adventures of Ron Jaworski, “I can’t wait to get me somma that!”

It Really Ties the Room Together

Should be plenty of these around on Tuesday morning. Please browse and take your pick. Orders will be taken directly by Soldier Field staff members.

The one below is just for the Vikings fans. It's more their style:



PS - The Bears Still Suck

Friday Caption Contest #5

Here's an interesting Bills fan we found in honor of this weekend's matchup. Rumor has it, it is Brian Brohm's uncle. That has not been confirmed yet. Post a funny, clever comment below and you could win an official Tracy White Certificate of Excellence with your name. Only your first submission received today will be considered. Good luck and Go Pack!!

Previous weekly winners include Rich Ward, ukpackersfan and JerseyAl (twice).
Update - Scheme Factory's first comment wins this week. Well played, sir! Email packerranter@yahoo.com to collect your certificate.

Congrats, John Kuhn. You're Moving Up the Rankings.

I was going to write something about how the Packers special teams played better than they have in years, but Jersey Al had me covered. In truth, I almost feel bad for the Eagles, they have no idea what they have done to themselves. The curse is real, and the curse is powerful…ask Mike Stock. Therefore, I decided why not write a little on my new 17th favorite Packer. (My rankings below #10 fluctuate weekly, daily, and hourly.) Congrats John Kuhn, you’ve moved into the top 20.

If I had a dollar for every touchdown that John Kuhn has scored for the Packers, I’d have, well…I’d have $7.00. Not exactly a windfall, but I’m still extremely excited to see what he’s going to bring to the table for the Packers this year with the injury to Ryan Grant.

The real issue is not the $7.00, I mean $7.00 buys a beer, which is always cool with me. Rather, it’s the initial investment into Kuhn that pays out the $7.00 that’s the impressive part. It’s tiny. He has 18 career rushing attempts…on those attempts he has scored 3 TDs. That means every 6th time he touches the ball, the Packers get 6 points. Kuhn is an even more dangerous scoring threat when he catches the ball; he has 4 TDs on 14 career receptions. He just scores TDs whenever the hell he touches the ball. This is a guy I can get behind.

Let’s be honest, though, Kuhn’s scoring proficiency is not THAT important to me or to the Packers for that matter. The real reason that I can’t wait for Kuhn’s increased role in the Packers offense is the fact that Kuhn has a one-syllable last name that is designed to be screamed out loud at the top of your lungs for an extended period of time. It’s fun in your living room, and it’s fun in the stadium: "KUUUUUUHN!" Plus, it will invariably lead to your idiotic, Bears fan brother-in-law or someone similar stopping, looking around, and asking, “Why are they booing? I thought the Packers just scored.”
“No, we did, it’s John KUUUUHN who scored. It’s pronounced Koon*.”
Puzzled look…“Why don’t they like him?”
“No, it’s not that they don't like...” {Sigh} “Apparently he hates cheese, bratwurst, and beer.”
“Is that right?”
“Yep.”

Anyway, moving past the idiocy of Bears fans, here’s a little glimpse into my Sunday existence moving forward, as I’m sure it will be for many others:

Don’t believe me? Watch this clip, and tell me you didn’t have a strong desire to stand up and yell, “KUUUUUUHN!” Can you say it? Can you say you don't want stand up and scream? That’s what I thought.

Wait, Kirk does yell, "KUUUUUHN!!!" right?....Yeah, I'm pretty sure he does.

*Note: The Packers even say it's pronounced this way, check his bio. Hilarious.

D-OH!

My buddy Dave is a die-hard Lions fan who’s been living with his girlfriend Darcy in Chicago for a few years. On Sunday during the Bears game, Dave had planned to jump off a 250 downtown watertower with a parachute that read “The Bears Still Suck” during the game. I just got the email – he (epic) failed.

This does not surprise me. Dave is a wild thrillseeker (cars, motorcycles, explosions, swingers parties, spicy foods), but just not a very good one. To enhance the experience of his extreme endeavors, he takes drugs (another addiction) and it’s because of this that things usually go wrong.

According to his master plan, this was going to be a standard “hop and pop” off the tower and into his dropzone – a nearby parking lot at Northwestern Law School that Darcy found on Google maps and figured would be fairly empty on gameday. Apparently, he climbed the tower with relative ease (it only took four Pink Floyd songs on his iShuffle, although one song was a 15-min. live version of “Shine on You Crazy Diamond”). Feeling good and powerful and literally atop the world, he popped more mushrooms. This turned out to be a bad idea.

While he was checking his chute one last time, a quarter mile above the streets, his vision got really blurry. He became overwhelmed by the situation and began hyperventilating. He tried to harness his Chi by standing on one leg and meditating but something broke his concentration – the sudden and intense roar of the crowd from Soldier Field. Well, Dave fell over and slid right off the side of that f#cking water tower. As he flailed around like a wounded duck, instinct took over and he pulled the chute and passed out. No joke.

Dave said he was awakened by a “wrecking ball to the chest/face”. He had plowed into a chimney in Cicero, five miles from the tower. Dave learned via his helmet cam that his arms tangled in a way that perfectly positioned his elliptical canopy to catch the wind and propel him at speeds of over 50 mph west through the city. Elliptical canopies, apparently, are used in highly competitive cross-country parachuting.

The email was sent by Darcy, who says Dave is currently in the hospital. Handcuffed to the bed. Seeking legal recommendations.

The roar of the crowd? The Calvin Johnson touchdown being overturned.

Time to Send a Message

There comes a time in every warrior’s life when they stand alone on the brink of battle. Thoughts race through his or her mind: “Am I ready?” “Can I do this?” “Will I survive?” “Is my boomstick loaded?” In the end, these questions mean nothing, as the warrior will engage…because that is what they are trained to do.

The Green Bay Packers stand on this brink. They are on a ridge overlooking the battlefield, and they are surveying their bloodthirsty enemies. The prognostificationizers say that their victory is imminent. I like that, but if that is the case, they need emerge from this battle and send a message like all warriors send after victory. That message needs to be clear, concise, and easy for the knuckle-draggers to understand.

I’ve thought long and hard about a message that all will understand…then it came to me while watching Ghostbusters II…specifically the parts with Vigo the Carpathian, Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, Vigo the Unholy, and also Vigo the Butch. In the Middle Ages, armies would put the heads of their fallen foes on spikes and display them for all their enemies to see. I see no reason why this can’t be the message that the Packers send:

Think of the photo-ops for the kids before games. People will be lining up in droves to see The Message. Each week it will grow by 4 to 5 spikes until the Super Bowl…with any luck this display of overt power will scare the AFC team from even showing up. (Every good warrior knows battle should only be a last resort when all other means have been exhausted)

They are the Packers, and you are like the buzzing of flies to them.

Tracy White Certificate of Excellence

We at the Packer Ranter are always looking for new ways to honor our beloved former special teams superhero. After his (unfortunately/ridiculously stupid) release, Franklin and I brainstormed several options and chose two rather large endeavors that while immensely challenging, would potentially appease Tracy and all his gloriousness.

My biopic Tracy White screenplay is currently under review at several major studios and despite the board of directors best attempts to avoid him, Franklin has been passionately lobbying for a Tracy White statue outside the Atrium by Lombardi. In the meantime, we’ve created the Tracy White Certificate of Excellence via a noble suggestion on the Twitters (thanks Midwestfan).

These will be given out to those rare Packer fans who possess extraordinary qualities that we believe would make Tracy proud – caption contest winners and other great feats to be determined by the Packer Ranter Tracy White Subcommittee.

Good luck to all throughout the season. May the eye of the Tracy be with you.

Friday Caption Contest #4

We could not resist the urge to post this gem of everyone's favorite motivator and LB coach, Kevin Greene. Should be another good one. Special thanks to Midwestfan for sending it to us.

Only first submissions received today will be considered. No cash prize this time around, BUT I am designing an original "Tracy White Certificate of Excellent" for the winner! Good luck!

Previous weekly winners include Rich Ward, ukpackersfan and JerseyAl (no, you don't have to be a Tweeter to win).

Update: Jersey Al gets it again. One of the greatest movie lines ever, reinterpreted for one of the greatest guys of all time. It just works so well. His TWCE is in (e)mail.

Meet Your Neigbor

In an effort to better understand what makes Packer fans tick in our Packer Neighborhood, I have come up with a list of questions that, in my humble opinion, will tell you everything you’ll ever need to know about the people behind the scenes of the numerous and exceptional Packers’ blogs. These are the folks Robert and I read on a daily basis and you should too if you call yourself a fan.

Up next: Jayme Joers, die hard Packer fan, USC Trojan Fan, and Manchester United Supporter, from Random Musings on the World of Sports. In addition to her blog, Jayme is a contributor at BrentFavre.com, and a moderator at CheeseheadTV.com. Jayme crushed these questions much like Alex, Brian, and Aaron before her. It appears the Packers blogosphere is in good hands...as I'm sure you already knew.

1) If you woke up in the middle of the night, and Ted Thompson was standing over your bed watching you sleep, what would you offer him to drink? (that's the polite thing to do) Why? There’s always a glass of water next to my bed. I’m one of those middle of the night water drinkers. But he probably wouldn’t want it as he tends to like new things, not old (veteran) water. Therefore he’d have to settle with some Mad Housewife wine. Its delicious, has a great name and almost always in my fridge.

2) What's your favorite '80s hair band, and how do you relate them to the Packers? (This is relative. you may hate 80's hair bands, but if you had to choose one, who would it be) Does Journey count as a hair band? Cause they’re my favorite 80s band. And as someone who now has a long distance love affair with the packers, I think Faithfully was written for us. If Journey does not count as a hair band, then start counting them!

3) Which cheddar is beddar: mild, medium, or sharp? Subquestion: How the hell does California think they can make cheese? Sharp. Best, best, BEST grilled cheese sandwich is sharp cheddar on sourdough. California – once my home for some years – thinks it can make cheese because it thinks it can do anything regardless or not if it’s true.

4) If John Rambo, in his prime of First Blood Part II, played for the Packers, which position would he play? Is he Pro Bowl material, or just a serviceable player? Does it make me weird if the only Stallone movie I have ever seen is Copland? And let me just say, that I do not think Sheriff Heflin would make the Packers.

5) Ty Webb or Jeffrey Lebowski? That rug really tied the room together.

6) If you woke up tomorrow and the Packers ceased to exist and no one but you remembered them, how would you convince everyone they are the greatest organization in sports? I’m not sure if I’d want to live in that world. Would there be no ice cream or puppy dogs in this world too? Just take away all the good things. Anyways….I’m a very persuasive person. I would travel the land, much like Johnny Appleseed, and tell people of the magical day the Packers held Barry Sanders to negative one yards in a play off game (I’m assuming that the Lions still exist in this world as only good things have been taken away). If that doesn’t convince people then they don’t deserve to exist and I would banish them.

7) Don Hutson basically invented the receiver position, what's your favorite invention: the Cheesehead, the truck-bed tailgate, or the Green Bay Sweep? Tailgate. I don’t eat meat, but is there anything better than drinking outside? And at a sporting event? No. There’s not.

Some bonus questions as I'm sure inquiring minds want to know:

8) Who has better hair, you or Clay Matthews? That’s a tough one. We both have the golden locks that only the sun directly over USC can provide. I’m going to have to go with Clay. He doesn’t seem to get helmet/hat hair. And I do. Side note, while searching for pictures of Clay’s hair, I found an awesome picture, that I attached, cause I think its quite a gem.

9) What do you miss most about Wisconsin, other than the obvious of being able to watch the Packers on TV without ordering Sunday Ticket or going to a bar? (as transplant myself, I actually enjoy the necessity of going to a bar to watch the game on Sunday every now and then) I can’t think of just one thing that I miss the most so here’s my list: 1. Lake Michigan, 2. How drinking at anytime during the day is acceptable. 3. My sister. 4. Cheese Curds. 5. Bob Uecker.

Another side note. When I lived in San Francisco, we found this great sports bar called Old Pros in Palo Alto. The Owner/Manager loved the packers and always made sure that I had sound for the Packers games. He also gave me great drink specials and got me Ronnie Lott’s tickets to the SF/GB game that year. I liked that bar. Like I said, I am very persuasive.

10) A rumor was recently brought to our attention on the latest episode of Cheesehead Radio. The rumor insinuates that Robert and I are actually two nerdy teenagers blogging from our parents' basements. While I assure you this is not the case... and both of us do quite well with the ladies, thank you very much, we have data (largely anecdotal, but some quantitative) that indicates that some of our readers could use a little help in this department. What does it take to sweep a highly knowledgeable Packer fan off her feet.... other than raspberry kamis and PBR, of course? One of the most romantic things that ever happened to me: in 06 the Packers were playing the Vikings in a night game. The same night a man I was seeing was flying into Chicago and needed me to pick him up at the airport. It was toward the beginning of our relationship and he was not a big sports fan. We listened to the game on the radio for the drive home and arrived back at my place as GB was driving down field late in the game. Trying not to be a freak, I started to get ready to get out of the car, even though I didn’t think I’d make it up the stairs before the game ended. He put his arm out and said, “let’s wait and see what happens. Don’t want you to miss this.” I melted.

Excellent answers, Jayme.  And, no it doesn't make you weird that you haven't seen any Sly Stallone movies other than Copland. However, I would suggest taking this long holiday weekend and watching "Rocky 1-6" and "Rambo 1-4"...that should get you up to speed. For extra credit, check out "Over the Top", the 3rd best arm-wrestling movie of all time.

The old man said, "Take any rug in the house."

Thanks, Jayme.

Thwarted!

As dorky as it sounds when I say/type it, I play fantasy football… and I like it!

Fantasy football offers the same kind of love/hate relationship as, say, a bottle of Wild Turkey. Sure, it tastes amazing and can make you feel on top of the world. But too much and you’ll get angry and incoherent and later wake up in the frozen food section of the grocery store by the chuckling prepubescent teenager snapping pictures of you on his camera phone.

Last year I had just about enough of it. Despite my best efforts, I somehow ended up in three leagues and was talked into joining a fourth – with friends from ten years ago who I hadn’t seen for at least five. What’s worse – only half of these guys actually cared to check their lineups more than twice/season. Total slackers, agreed, yet I was committed.

The thing you have to understand is that with four fantasy teams, you essentially have every player worth having. In other words, you root for everyone and thus no one at the same time – this is a TERRIBLE place to be. I became so frustrated by the situation that I chugged a beer, ran into the garage and tried to lift the back end of my Tercel off the ground (I swear it moved).

Then came the revelation. The only way to undermine this stupid league, get guys I wanted, and avoid all responsibility was simple – I had to draft ALL Packers.

However, this turned out to be much harder than anticipated.

All the rankings seemed to agree that Jennings, Rodgers and Grant were the top 20. With the 5th pick in a 12-team league, I was in a baaaad spot to get all three. I knew I could snag #85 and #12 but the big question was, would #25 come back to me in round 3? After my “reach” for Jennings in the first followed by Rodgers in the second, the chat smackers were onto me. Yet Grant was still on the board and suddenly only two picks away! But wouldn’t you know it, the f#@$*#g Muffin Tops grabbed Grant and followed it up with a heartbreaking, “How you like me know Greenfeeld!?” (He is a notoriously bad speller).

I sank into a minor depression as I went to my next best available, Donald Driver, and it was a piece of cake to get the rest of my guys. Yes, I had all Packers but it was just incomplete with Brandon Jackson and John Kuhn in my RB spots. Believe it or not, I did finish 4-9 (that’s with a bye week!) and I did the math and would’ve gone 7-6 and made the playoffs had Grant fallen to me…sigh. This quote from American Beauty (1999) seems to sum things up nicely.

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.”

Friday Caption Contest #3

Hopefully you know the drill – the funniest caption comment judged by us gets a buck via PayPal. Only your first submission today will be considered. Now let’s have some fun!

Franklin's Grade for Seattle vs. Green Bay

I noticed that everyone enjoys doing a grade of recent Packers games, I mean, this guy even grades the graders…consider my MIND. BLOWN, dude. So, anyway, I thought I would throw my two cents in. I give the Green Bay/Seattle tilt an A+. But like most stuff here at the Ranter, I have a little different take on things…

Many important factors went into this highest of marks.

1) The Company in My Living Room: Unfortunately it is few and far between these days, but my Packer game viewing partner was none other than Robert Greenfield. Yep, that’s right, Robert made the journey across the land of cheese and beer, and spent the weekend maneuvering the enemy territory of Minneapolis.

2) The Topics of Conversation: In addition to being able to watch the game, Robert and I were able to discuss the results of our fantasy football draft that had taken place earlier in the evening. Not much tops watching a Packer game and comparing the rosters of my squad,“The White Outs”, and Robert’s, “Fields of Green and Gold”. (FYI – The White Out’s is better)

3) The Food: Robert and I decided to go whole hog on the meal for the game. Actually, we went whole cow and destroyed two steaks that dripped with juicy goodness. Mrs. Greenfield, just so you don’t worry, even through the meat-drunkenness that soon followed, we still ate our veggie kabobs.

4) The Libations: Generous helpings of beer and single-malt always lead to high marks.

5) The Game: Truth be told, the conversation, the booze, and the meat sweats kind of overshadowed the actual game for me. However, if I can see Aaron Rodgers pilot a bombing run right into Greg Jennings’ outstretched hands, and I can stand and give a guttural, “HI-YO!” at the top of my lungs to start the game, then I’m happy. I’m easy to please, I know.

6) The Grading Process: The fact that so many other people I read and respect give out grades for each game, means I don’t have to. And let me tell you, I am nothing if I don’t have the ability to shirk off work.

Hmmm....interesting, I might have just convinced myself to bump it up to an A++ at this point, and it’s only a meaningless preseason game....it was a damn good Saturday.

Friday Caption Contest #2

Welcome back to Friday...I love Fridays, and you should too because the Packer Ranter is once again giving away a cash prize for the funniest caption comment for the picture below as judged by Robert and myself! Only your first submission received today will be considered, so put your best caption foot forward.

The winner will receive 100 pennies in the form of one dollar payable via PayPal. Yeah, I know it’s only a dollar, but it’s more about the pride of winning and enjoying some Friday fun. Plus, what else are you doing that you can’t spare a minute to submit something? No. Really. What else else are you doing? That's what I thought...

...and, yes, that IS a purse Mooch is holding.

Trash Talking with Vikings Gab

So last year in a shameless attempt to garner more hits, I would occasionally go to opposing team's fan sites and talk a little smack before the game. To my surprise, one of those sites - VikingsGab - contacted me to take things a little further. We had a fun little smackoff and although the Vikes beat us last year, I feel good I won that battle of words.

To my further surprise, they contacted me again for Round 2 and I gladly accepted. Below is the exchange, which definitely got heated...quickly. As my thanks for the invitation, I let him have the last words and man, did he take advantage with some cheap shots. Clearly, I got under his skin - muhahaha. My comments are in green and his are in purple. I'm apparently getting killed on their site in the comments section, so I'd love to know your thoughts.

Before we start this war of Internet words, I’m going to go out on a limb and say we can agree on two things: 1) The Packers and Vikings are the only legit contenders to the NFC North crown and 2) Of those two teams, the Packers clearly have the upper hand. With this year’s NFL MVP at the helm, the reigning defensive MVP on the other side of the ball and weapons across the board, the 2010 Packers have enough firepower and chip on their collective shoulders to make a serious run (while running over the Vikings in the process).

I can agree with your prediction #1, at this point, but #2 is completely ridiculous. If by “upper hand” you mean a pair of over-the-hill corners, an offensive line that will eventually be hated for how often they let your “NFL MVP” get killed, and a #1 rush defense that is sitting in jail… yup, you got the upper hand. I just don’t buy it. The Vikings are oozing with talent. Brett Favre will be back throwing to one of the best pass catching crews in the league, with Adrian Peterson on a war path, and a defense that takes no prisoners. But, the offseason isn’t over yet, and your team can still improve… by picking up some players that the Vikings cut.

I find it interesting that you’re citing age as a factor when you’re pleading for a 50-year old to come and save your team…again. But I admire your willingness to welcome Favre back, knowing full well you’ll get screwed while the window of opportunity gets that much smaller. Isn’t it amazing that “despite” our O-line that Rodgers put up 4400+ yards and 30 TDs? And how much does it just burn you that Ryan Grant had a good of year as your coveted Adrian Peterson? I’d also like to remind you of the hierarchy of castoffs – the Vikings get first dibs on the Packer castoffs followed by the Bears and the Lions. That’s the way it’s always been and always will be.

I agree, it is amazing that Mr. Rodgers had those types of numbers instead of being wheeled out on a cart, the way your O-Line was jumping out of the way of pass rushers. Staying healthy for two years in a row will be a challenge for your “MVP” considering that Bulaga isn’t quite enough attention paid to a woeful O-Line. Grant had 1,253 yards and 11 touchdowns with 11 touchdowns in addition to 197 receiving yards. Peterson? A mere 1,383 yards with 18 touchdowns and 436 receiving yards. Do the math, then consider that Peterson’s numbers were considered a “down year” and you’re still telling me they are just as good as each other? Oh, and Grant’s recent concussion issues should go a long way towards proving that theory. With or without Favre, the Vikes are the superior team. I don’t know that I would brag about your castoffs going to your division opponents only to come back and beat you. On the plus side, though, you don’t have to play the Bucs this year so there’s an extra win and a little less embarrassment, eh?

Like all great teams, our offensive line got significantly better as the season progressed. With Bulaga (stud in the making by the way) now in the mix and Tauscher back at RT, you are going to be surprised. Just wait. I said Grant had as good of year as Peterson in 2009. Sure, AP got all the goal-line carries to stack up the TD totals, but his YPC was exactly the same as Grant’s at 4.4. The big difference was that AP coughed the ball up seven times (losing six!) while Grant only fumbled once all year back in week two. Hell, AP fumbled more in the Saints game alone than Grant did all season. I guess what I’m saying is that #28 fumbles. A lot. You’re telling me that doesn’t enter the conversation when comparing the two? But clearly you’re going to have to pay Peterson like the cover boy he is. And since you’re throwing all your cash at Favre like he’s a cheap stripper, I wonder if you’ll have any left over to pay him (and Rice)?

It is true that the Vikings are a stacked team and NEXT YEAR have some decisions to make as to whom they will pay how much, I must say that it is a good problem to have and that we won’t simply let our best players walk away like the Pack did with Kampman. Plus, we can keep our players out of jail. I think your statement should have read “throwing cash at Brett Favre like a Green Bay defensive back does to hookers.” The fact is that the Packers are not a deep team. If Rodgers, Grant, any offensive lineman, or one of your ancient defensive backs gets injured/suspended/arrested then Packers fans will be screaming the “sky is falling” and rightfully so. The Vikings have incredible depth behind their incredible starting talent and this alone is enough to make them the favorite of the North.

LOL…sorry, but I’m still laughing… OK I’ll stop. For a second there, you managed to make the Vikings sound 2% classy. But then I remembered this the same team known for popularizing the Whizzinator, the Love Boat and diuretic steroids – not to mention proud home to Randy Moss, Jared Allen and now Brett Favre, who played you like a fool, by the way, getting almost $10 million-dollar overnight because of a rumor. Don’t let Sage’s brilliant performance against the Rams 3rd team rosy the view of your backup QB situation…and Tobias Gerhart is no Chester Taylor (speaking of letting good players go). Come what may, the Green Bay Packers do not panic. Just look at how we handled Favre. I completely disagree with your depth statement and you could play the injury card with anybody. The fact is the Packers have players on the verge of breakouts on all sides of the ball – not to mention we are the youngest team in all of football. What does that mean for the rest of the division? Neck pains, mostly. You ever look up for a decade? It hurts.

The Packers fumbled four times, including one from Ryan Grant which was lost, in their first preseason game. Just thought I would point that out. Our hands were tied in letting Taylor go because we were a “final four” team last year, something that didn’t apply to the Packers because Aaron Rodgers decided to play hacky sack with the football in overtime of a playoff game. Gerhart may be a rookie, but he is still a better backup than the Packers have without a doubt. “Verge of breakouts” sounds like preseason hype that will soon be put to the test, and probably fail. In all reality, the Packers are a formidable opponent this year (just like every year) and it will be fun watching the race for the crown. They’re still a bunch of low-life, no-talent, cheese eating losers… but why be uncivil about this? Have a fun season, PackerRanter. We’ll do this again in week six after your O-line has fallen apart, your fans are using injuries as an excuse for your 2-4 record, three more players have been arrested, Aaron Rodgers has followed in his predecessor’s footsteps and forced his way out of that frozen hell hole, your secondary is allowed to start filing for social security, and Ryan Grant has been exposed for the imposter that he is and has fallen back down into the ranks of sub-mediocrity. SKOL!